i will get better

The doctor called to tell me that my hormones are not out of whack. They are completely normal. So that is not the reason I have had such emotional turmoil for the past few months. Perhaps it is the serotonin that is messed up in my brain.

I almost wouldn't believe that there could be a simple, logical reason for such an illogical and emotionally painful condition. People sometimes ask me why I am depressed, but the truth is that I often don't know. Other people don't understand why I am so sad when my life is so blessed. And the truth is that I don't know that either; that is part of the cruel irony of depression--that while the golden sun of good fortune is smiling its rays down upon you, you can't feel it at all. I feel like I have missed out on beautiful and wonderful moments of my life because depression robbed me of my ability to see and know and feel.

I have finally sought real help (again) for this condition, because I don't want to miss out on any more moments. I don't want to look back and read page after page of sad and confused journal entries. I don't want that anymore--not that I ever did want that, but now I realize I want something better, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get that something better.

So I wait for the treatment to kick in. I wait and I hurt and I fight back tears and pray. I am humbled. I wait some more. I know that one of these days the fog will start to lift and I won't have to try so very hard to smile or appear happy. And perhaps there will be a magical day when I can just *be* and enjoy the beautiful moments of my life.

dark day

My emotions have been all over today, but right now I am down. I woke up that way; must have been my dreams. But I feel so useless. So utterly pointless. I'm scared of some of the changes that are coming up in the near future. I haven't blogged much about any of those changes, because...well, because. I will soon.

Anyway, it's days like this that make me wish I had never heard the word depression before and didn't know a thing about it. Just this morning I was feeling thankful for the things that depression had given me--things like compassion and patience. It has made me humble and brought me closer to God. For those things I am thankful. But right now I don't feel so very thankful for what feels like a curse.

I'm off to spend time with a dear friend on her birthday. She's a relatively new friend, but her love and understanding has helped me survive some dark days. Her capacity for compassion is incredible; I want to be like her when I grow up.

John is off doing some important things, but I can't wait to see him tonight. His love for me is also quite amazing to me. Having someone love me that much has definitely helped me make it through the tough times. I will feel better soon, I know it. But I'm glad I have him to love me through it until I do.

setting goals for my health

I wish I could find a doctor I had any faith in. I've been experiencing some vertigo/dizziness problems. I went to the doctor today because I am sick of this feeling.

She checked my ears for an inner ear problem and checked my eyes to see if it was a nervous system problem. I guess it wasn't that, because her only advice was: "Rest your eyes every 15-20 minutes."

Thanks. That's $10 advice I could have dispensed to myself. My only other option is to go with the advice of my chiropractor, and drink a special detox beverage. She thinks my hormones are out of whack, and a good detox would clear things right up.

What do I think? I think I need to treat myself to a strict regimen of exercise 5x a week (no excuses!), and seek out a new counselor. The exercise because of all its healing properties, and the counselor because I need a sounding board and because I want to learn to think in new ways. Healthy ways.

I really think exercise is the key to many, many problems in life. Exercise is better than many (if not most) prescription drugs at curing ills. Why I'm not strict about doing it, I haven't figured out. But that's going to change. I'm going to treat exercise like a prescription. It takes longer than swallowing a pill, but I know for me it's just as necessary.

So, along with my house-cleaning habits, I'm going to add exercise in.

today is a gift

I'm exhausted. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically spent and there's pretty much nothing left. There are many explanations and reasons for why I am at this juncture, but what matters is this: it's time to take care of me.

And on a happy note, it seems that I have lost 3 pounds. I had given up on trying, which may be the secret here. I've tried for overall healthy, and tried to be active, but I stopped counting every single calorie that I ate. And that's when I finally lose weight...Interesting.

fast moving blues

I need a paper journal to record thoughts like these.

I can’t hold it together anymore. I realized that I am not working toward any goals, and I’m not accomplishing much of anything. I worry incessantly about things outside my control. I don’t do much about the things within my control.

I’m struggling. Not sure what to do about it. I want to run and keep on running. But I probably won’t.

blue girl

I'm feeling a little better today. I got home yesterday and my husband had cleaned up the house, emptied the dishwasher, and taken out the trash. How wonderful is he? I knew those things needed to be done, but I just didn't have the energy for them. I'm so blessed to have a husband who saw that I was struggling and did something thoughtful to help out.

My visiting teacher came over last night, and when she asked the requisite question, "How are you doing?" I responded with, "Great. Everything is fine." And everything wasn't fine. The ache in my chest was still there. When you come to my house once a month or so and stay for 15 minutes and then ask me how I'm doing, how in the world would you expect me to answer that question honestly? I'm just going to say everything's A-OK. This is more a lesson to me than pointing a finger at her. I have visit taught many women and I probably missed out on how they were really doing because I didn't take time to be their friend.

Anyway, I'm still not 100% back to happy, but I think I'm a little better.

blue to the bone

So I dropped the two classes I was going to take this summer -- fitness and nutrition. It wasn't the right time, and I don't feel like doing homework at the moment. Nor do I feel like paying $100 for one textbook.

Good riddance. Now I can focus my attention on...what? I always come back to this. I like to read books. I like to watch movies. I like to exercise. I like to eat. I'm working toward getting fit and losing the weight I gained this past year. Because of that I am loving exercise more than I ever thought possible. But after that, then what? I don't really have any goals. I go home at night and I play on the Internet because I can't think of anything better to do.

This entry is quickly turning into a sad one, and I didn't mean for that to happen. I just feel so lost right now. I feel like I'm missing out on something important.

tgif

I finally did it—I saw the counselor. And I haven’t felt this good in a long time. I was able to talk through a lot of things, and she was very optimistic about the eventual outcome of this whole counseling thing. Because of that, I feel so much better about the issues and problems I’ve been worried about. It was as if the words I spoke lifted a weight right off my chest. I’m so glad I finally called.

And in other news, my parents and sister are coming into town this weekend. We’re going to see my niece dressed up at her ‘Trunk-or-treat’ (costume still TBD), attend Sparky’s FestDevil, and perhaps have our own murder mystery party…should be an interesting weekend.

I’m so glad it’s Friday! Someone walked into our office just now with plates of sandwiches and fruit—always a welcome sight, but quite the party on a Friday afternoon. Our office is frequently the recipient of leftover food from catered meetings. Yum. What a way to end the week.

Have a good weekend!

when you're young you get sad

Geraldine is the made up name for a rabbit that I almost had. A couple of days ago I got an email from a lady who couldn’t keep her rabbit any longer and was giving it away to a good home. (Through freecycle. You should check it out if you’ve never heard of it—it’s like recycling; you give other people the stuff you don’t want anymore.)

The rabbit was litter box trained, friendly, sweet. I e-mailed the lady but I was too late. She had given it to someone else, but by then we had already named the rabbit, for crying out loud. She was mine, and then suddenly she wasn’t.

I don’t think you can understand how sad I was when I didn’t get this rabbit. Probably it’s for the best, but I’ve been confused and sad lately, and I thought maybe Geraldine would help me feel better. I’m sad. But it’s not really because I didn’t get Geraldine. I’m just a little lost right now.

hey, it's all one big crapshoot anywho

My plan to look good isn’t going quite as well as I had hoped.

The good news is that I have consistently worn my step counter, and have increased my daily average by 500 steps each week. So that means this week I’m up to 6,500 steps per day. (When I first started, my average was 4,000 steps a day.) That probably doesn’t sound like much to many of you, but it involves me taking a 20-minute walk every day at lunch. I’ve also started doing a weight workout once a week—the goal is at least twice a week, but we’re talking baby steps here. I’m pretty proud of my efforts in this realm.

The eating has not gone as well. I somehow manage to sabotage myself at every turn. I eat yogurt and a granola bar for breakfast, fruits and veggies for snacks, a healthy lunch, and then I pig out in the evening on greasy Mexican food takeout and top it off with ice cream. I get nowhere doing that. Probably because of this, my stomach looks as big as before (or bigger). I get discouraged.

You know what else is discouraging? The instructors of my health and wellness class. The nutrition expert is chubby. The exercise expert is built like a linebacker, and not all of that is muscle. Are they not following their own advice? Because at the end of this course, I want to look and feel a little better than I did when I started. I’m discouraged, but I’m not giving up.

Tonight, one of my best friends will be dyeing my hair. Saturday I’m getting it cut. And someday very soon, I’m hopefully going to be wearing these . Or these.


And very soon I’m going to call a counselor for my emotional health. I’ve been trying to make the call for a couple of weeks now, but I’m scared. I know I need it, it’s just hard for me to pick up the phone and do it. But it’s time. I want to make myself and my marriage into something better, and I know this is the way to do it. I’m just scared of revealing my thoughts and feelings to someone—I have a problem being vulnerable. (Hence, why I need to get counseling in the first place.)

It sounds funny—a person (me) who puts a blog up for anyone to stumble upon is scared to reveal her true thoughts and feelings. But it’s different on a blog. I edit my thoughts here. I don’t generally blog about the bad stuff, or the problems I have, or the emotional mess I am sometimes. Can you see why this would be a problem in a marriage? My fear of revealing my true self sometimes prevents me from being a full, true partner to my husband, and that is not acceptable to me. I think a counselor can help me with that. There are more issues to deal with, but that is a big one. (Wow...I wasn’t even sure where to start with counseling, but writing it out has pointed out one of my main problems!)

Anywho, I’m still alive. I’m working on my goals, and I’m trying to become a better person (both inside and out). I’m just getting exhausted by the effort.