endearing things

I think I got this idea from Jamie's blog a long time ago.

Things I do that others might find annoying but my husband is required to find endearing:

1. I throw my dirty clothes on the bedroom floor.
2. I make sarcastic remarks at commercials and tv programs I find cheesy or implausible. I do this a lot.
3. I sometimes talk during movies in the theatre.
4. My brain doesn't process sound very quickly. So I ask, "huh?" and "what?" way too often.
5. I pout when my feelings are hurt. And they get hurt way too often. (just ask John)
6. I talk like a baby. All my sisters do it. My brother, too. The year I turned 26, my sister who was then 11 said, "I twenty-six. I talk wike baby." It's an annoying yet strangely addicting behavior.
7. I quote movies all the time. "I know, right?"
8. I say "wah" when I am sad.

Annoying. But endearing too, right?

the things that matter

I just got back from the wedding and reception of one of my best friends -- TK. It was a beautiful reception. I was impressed that she could make a church cultural hall look so elegant. Kudos to her; she always was creative like that. And seeing her so happy made me happy too.

A few old friends were there, and it was so wonderful to see them again. It was almost like old times. Almost. I started to get a little sad, knowing that we're leaving all our friends and family in just two months.

TK's wedding was in the Mesa LDS temple, and it brought back memories from my wedding. I knew that I was marrying the right man; I was so happy. And I was completely overwhelmed that day by the strong feeling that God loves me. I wasn't expecting that, but it was just one of those things that I suddenly knew. I knew that God loved me, and I knew that John loved me. What else mattered? It was the best day of my life, and the best decision I ever made.

self portrait challenge -- eye of my storm

Here's my self portrait for the week, my first one ever. This one is called 'eye of my storm'. My weekend was rough; this week has been hard, but between all that, on Monday evening, I experienced a reprieve. John and I sat on our balcony, holding hands and talking about the future as we stared out at the view we wouldn't be seeing for much longer -- Camelback mountain where John proposed, the golf course, the lone palm tree off in the distance. Things have been rough both before and since, but for that one moment all was right.

To see more self portrait entries, go here.

the reason is you

Two years ago today, John and I were married in the Las Vegas temple. It’s hard to believe we’ve been married two years already, yet I feel as though I’ve been with him forever. Anyone who knows us can see that we’re MFEO; there’s no one who understands me or loves me better than John does, we both have our ‘quirky’ sense of humor, and we can entertain each other for hours on a road trip. I’m more comfortable with him than with anyone else I’ve ever known.

I waited a long time to find the right man to marry, and there were times when I lost hope that he was actually out there. But John came along and made the wait so worth it.

I love you sweetie. You’re truly my soul mate.
xoxoxoxox

love

So remember that one time when I said I would share a picture of the valentine card I made for John? Well, I'm finally doing that. Just remember that it's pretty much my first attempt at paint ever. But I like it anyway, flaws and all:

And you know what John got me? This:

If you know me, you know this was the perfect gift. I'm romantic, and I love poetry. So the combination was perfect. Now I just need to light a fire in our unused fireplace and have John read love poems to me. (Thus far he hasn't.) But anyway, that was our Valentine's day.

dark day

My emotions have been all over today, but right now I am down. I woke up that way; must have been my dreams. But I feel so useless. So utterly pointless. I'm scared of some of the changes that are coming up in the near future. I haven't blogged much about any of those changes, because...well, because. I will soon.

Anyway, it's days like this that make me wish I had never heard the word depression before and didn't know a thing about it. Just this morning I was feeling thankful for the things that depression had given me--things like compassion and patience. It has made me humble and brought me closer to God. For those things I am thankful. But right now I don't feel so very thankful for what feels like a curse.

I'm off to spend time with a dear friend on her birthday. She's a relatively new friend, but her love and understanding has helped me survive some dark days. Her capacity for compassion is incredible; I want to be like her when I grow up.

John is off doing some important things, but I can't wait to see him tonight. His love for me is also quite amazing to me. Having someone love me that much has definitely helped me make it through the tough times. I will feel better soon, I know it. But I'm glad I have him to love me through it until I do.

happy arizona day

And happy Valentine's day, too. I found this cartoon, and it made me think of my husband. He loves his diet soda. And I love him, so it all works out.

My writing class is tonight, so the Valentine's celebration will not begin until about 8pm tonight when I get home. I am bringing home delicious mediterranean food from one of our favorite restaurants -- Phoenicia Cafe.

And then while we're eating, we might as well watch LOST, even though TV watching is so anti romantic and all that. But...it's LOST!

Anyway, today I am thankful I married John. He is so good to me. We are soul mates if ever there were any. He is my life and my love, and I have truly been blessed to have him.

Happy Valentine's day, sweetie. I love you so hard!

be my valentine

I had a brilliant idea for Valentine's day. I wanted to make something for John, and I came up with a great idea. I've been feeling crafty lately, so I decided I wanted to make him something homemade. I've also been working on a homemade painted card, and I'll post a picture of it soon. It's my first attempt at painting anything at all, so...let's just say it's a little primitive. But I'm proud of it.

So last night found me in Joann fabric, searching for the right fabric for the project and at the same time collecting things I would need -- bobbins, pins, thread, etc. (I have no supplies for sewing at all.) This was all fine until I saw an ex-boyfriend. He's the one that I am embarrassed to have dated. It just feels so awkward to see him. Not to mention that the last time we saw each other (at least a year ago ago), we both pretended we didn't know each other.

This time, we were about two feet apart when we saw each other. By then, there was no way to pretend. We said hi, he's getting married, blah blah blah. I felt so very awkward. Then he starts asking about my project, saying, "Come with me. Let me show you a few things."

I did NOT want my ex-boyfriend to help me with my husband's valentine present, nor did I want him giving me tips about fabric or sewing. Thank goodness my husband called right that moment. He was having a sort of emergency. So I said, "Good to see you. Congrats. I've gotta go." And I left the store.

I tried two other stores for something cool or unusual. But nothing spoke to me at all. So you know where I ended up? The grocery store. I bought my valentine present at a grocery store. It's not homemade. But there's always next year, right?!! At least he gets a homemade card...

a marriage like that

A good marriage is when you can open up your whole soul, and your spouse sees not only the weaknesses and failings, but also the beauty that is there and loves you for it (and despite it). Even more, he sees the potential waiting there and inspires you to become it.

I am thankful to be blessed with a marriage like that.

beautiful things

I have a beautiful wedding ring. My husband picked well. And although I told him to spend only a reasonable amount on the ring, he didn't listen to me. As a result, I wear a gorgeous ring on my finger every day.

Even the jewelers, who see flashy jewelry all the time, react to my ring. I picked it up from the jeweler yesterday after having it cleaned, and the jeweler gasped when he opened the box. They always have that reaction to my ring. He said, "Wow. You are lucky."

Yes, I am. And he has no idea how much. Because guess what? The size or price of a wedding ring doesn't say much about the quality of the marriage or of the devotion of the man who gives it to you. So it is lucky indeed that I not only received one of the most beautiful rings ever (thanks, sweetie), but also married one of the best men I know.

Actually, I don't call it 'luck', I call it blessed. And I am.

missing the one i love

Went on a walk today and listened to the iPod -- Iron and Wine, Lion’s mane. The sound and lyrics make me feel sad. Especially when my beloved is flying on an airplane hundreds of miles from here.

and love is the scene i render
when you catch me wide awake
and love is the dream you enter
though i shake & shake & shake you
and love's the best endeavor
waiting in the lion's mane
-------

gonna change my way of thinking

I've been feeling so nostalgic the past few days. Maybe it's because an old friend is in town visiting. But my mood has bordered on the sad.

We watched a LOST episode last night (Season 2, baby!) and Hurley was scared that everything was about to change. Locke said, "Change is good." Hurley replied, "Everyone says that, but it's not true."

Is change a good thing? There are times when I love change. I've moved five times in the past five years. I loved living in China on a whim. I love thinking that in one year we'll be in an entirely new place so that John can get his PhD.

The hard part about change is the way it affects relationships. One of my best friends moved to Washington a few years ago. My siblings got married and started having kids. My parents are getting older. I don't see my friends from college anymore. I got married, and friends I used to hang out with several times a week I'm lucky if I see once a month. Things just change.

When I was a missionary in Bulgaria and it was nearly time for me to come back home, I was so excited to go home to my family, but so sad to leave all my friends in Bulgaria behind. I wished so much that I didn't have to give up one to have the other. But that's the way it is. You leave one place and leave friends behind, but you make new friends in the place you go to.

I think Locke is right. Change is a good thing. It brings many new experiences and friends into my life that I wouldn't have otherwise. I just sometimes wish I could stop time and keep everyone I love with me forever.

totally embarrassing story alert

I love the library. I love self-help books. I love self-help books about relationships even more. I can’t help myself--I always have and probably always will. (Sometimes my husband puts up with reading a relationship book together, sometimes not. I think he’s a saint for doing it at all.)

So yesterday at the library I picked out three different relationship books. At 8:55 I ran to the front of the library so that I could use the automated checkout before it shut down at 9pm, because I didn’t really want the librarians to see my picks. I may love self-help relationship books, but I do understand that they are cheesy if not overtly embarrassing.

The automated checkout was already off, so I got in line at the circulation desk. Of course, the guy who helped me is a member of my church and knows me. I think he even said, “Hi, Sister Ronk.”

Oh my. I was bright red as he checked my books out to me. One title, ‘16 Ways to Love your Lover’, is NOT what the title sounds like! At all! It’s really a book about the Myers-Briggs personality types and how that fits into relationships. Slightly boring--NOT racy like the title suggests! Another book had a picture of a silhouetted couple on the cover, their faces close together, moving in for a kiss. Again, makes the book look much racier than it actually is.

As soon as he handed me the books, I speed-walked it out of there, red-faced and totally humiliated. I will never be able to look him in the face again.

so happy together

So my husband got me an iPod. How good to me is he?!

It makes me so happy to have music with me whenever I want it. I was listening to music and walking around campus yesterday, and it felt strange, as though I had a life soundtrack following me around. Wouldn't that be cool?

But it's making me rethink a few things. I used to think that I would never want to own music without also physically owning a CD with album art and stuff. Now? I think it's just wasteful and cumbersome to have such a large collection of CDs sitting around.

Also, I just don't think I need to collect hundreds of books anymore. I love books. But I no longer feel the need to own them. Which is a good thing, because I don't want to haul around millions of boxes of books for the rest of my life.

Anyway, I'm one small step away from falling asleep at my desk right now. If I could go home, I would. The good news is, I'm not working tomorrow!!

So happy Friday. And have a great weekend.

i feel good

The other day my husband told me I have good shoulders. No one has ever told me that before.

And I'm not sure why, but the compliment has really stuck with me. It makes me happy every time I think of it. I'm smiling right now, as a matter of fact.

post-concert thoughts.

I meant to give a report on the Andrew Bird & Nickel Creek concert we went to on Wednesday. It was simply amazing. Andrew Bird was the opening act, and John and I had heard some of his songs, but they are NOTHING compared to his performance live. I was in love with his voice from the time that he opened his mouth. I tried to think of a word that could describe what I loved about it, and all I came up with was pure. Andrew Bird’s voice is clear and pure and doesn’t need any backup. But, if you read my husband’s blog, he described all the interesting instruments he used. Amazingly talented man. Wow. Just wow.

Andrew Bird was so amazing and unusual, however, that (in my opinion) he outperformed Nickel Creek, and their show was just a little bit lacking by comparison. And Nickel Creek was very good, don’t get me wrong. Andrew Bird just blew me away and was such a pleasant surprise. I’d see him live again.

Anyway, I was talking to a friend about how lucky I am to have such a thoughtful, perceptive husband who thinks to do something like that for me, and she told me it’s beyond lucky: that I found a rare, wonderful man. I couldn’t agree more; it’s just a little overwhelming to know that someone that good happened to me.

dream interpretation

The other day I dreamed I was married to some creep and was in the middle of a messy divorce. John was my divorce lawyer. It turns out that my divorce lawyer and I have an affair.

I told John about my dream.

Me: Interpret this dream for me.
John: Um...we're meant to be together no matter what?

hands down, my husband is the best

What an interesting weekend we had. I pretty much acted like a jerkface to my husband. Or, as I started saying after we watched part of Elf, I’m a cotton-headed ninny muggins. I tried not to act that way, but the more I tried, the worse it got. I had built up some resentment, and instead of talking about it, I acted not very nice. Yeah, not the best thing to do.

Then at church on Sunday, we had a lesson on forgiveness in Sunday school. John and I are in a “couples” Sunday School class, and it’s an 8-week course on how to be a better spouse. I have really enjoyed it. But anyway, the lesson was on forgiveness, and I realized that I desperately needed forgiveness for the way I had been treating my husband. And I realized that resentment was poisoning me and I needed to stop.

So after church we talked…and talked…and talked. I think it went amazingly well. I’m proud of the way were able to talk about difficult and somewhat painful topics without getting defensive or angry. We’ve worked hard to be able to interact this way. Anyway, from this conversation I learned how much I’ve been hurting my husband by my actions. And I learned what a remarkable and wonderful husband I have. When he understood the concern I had, he hugged me. And then he said something like, “I won’t tell you that things will be better; you will see it in my actions.” I know he means it.

And I mean it too. I felt terrible when I learned how I’ve been hurting my husband, and I don’t want to do that anymore.

To top it all off, at the end of the day, my husband presented me with a card. Our nine-month anniversary is today (yeah!), and the card was a sweet Christmas card that contained an early Christmas/anniversary present: tickets to go see Nickel Creek on Wednesday! I was shocked. First, he noticed that I love Nickel Creek, second he noticed that they were going to be in town. Third, he did something about it! Wow. I felt so loved. He’s the best. Truly.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

We're off to the happiest place on earth to spend Thanksgiving with 50,000 of our closest friends. My husband sent me this link this morning. It's nice to know that we'll also get to see the pardoned turkey during our stay at Disneyland!

And just because I can, and because I just pulled out these wedding pictures, I leave you with a photo from my second reception, held in an art gallery in Scottsdale. (Photo taken by TK.) In the picture we are in a small gathering of friends and family, exchanging rings for the benefit of those who were not able to be with us in the temple on our wedding day. It was a surprisingly touching moment, because we both got to share our feelings about each other. The gouged wall behind us is actually a piece of art hanging on the wall.

serious, contemplative entry

Since my last entry I’ve been doing some serious thinking about myself. I haven’t been very proud of some of my recent behavior (as I said in a previous post), and I realized I’ve been acting very selfishly. What I wanted was for things to change, but I didn’t understand that it was me who had to change. I was very frustrated, so I did some searching and found an article and a book.

The article I found-- “Divine Designs of Marriage”, by Laura Brotherson-- really spoke to me. It is from an LDS perspective, but I think the concepts can be pretty universal. This article has changed my perspective completely. If you’re married, check it out!

One thing the author says is, “Personal growth is not optional in marriage.” I noticed that! When I was single, I didn’t have to face some of my weaknesses like I do now, because now someone I love is affected by them.

She also says, “Accepting our spouse unconditionally may be one of the greatest lessons our spouse can help us learn.” If this isn’t the truth, I don’t know what is. Of course, that should be a given in marriage, but it just wasn’t sinking in for me. Plus, the way she words this lets me know that accepting someone unconditionally is a process we learn; it’s not necessarily inherent or easy.

Basically what I got from the article is that we’re imperfect, but we can learn to love each other unconditionally (which will allow us both to learn and grow at our own pace). And even though it’s not always easy, we can learn to meet each other’s needs if we’re willing to stretch and grow and work at it. (Meeting each other’s needs doesn’t always come naturally!) I have a long way to go, but I now have a starting point and something to work toward, and that makes me happy.

Anyway, I feel much happier than I did. Basically I was wallowing in self-pity, and I’m not going to do that anymore. The book I found Bonds that Make us Free: Healing our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves is helping me see what I need to change about myself and how to change it. (It’s serialized on the internet if you want to read the whole thing.) I haven't read very far into it, but it's amazing so far.

I’m serious about changing. I’m committed to becoming the person I know I should be. For myself and for my husband and future family, I will make whatever difficult changes are necessary.

hjkr

p.s. Go visit my husband’s blog and say hi. He would love it. (And he also has more pictures of us over there.)