puppy love

Oh my. I am messed up!

First, I guess I should say that we got a puppy last night. But today I’m not feeling so good about it. Where to begin?

I guess I’ll start by saying that once you get married, people begin pressuring you and asking you when you’re going to have kids—this has been my experience, anyway. And now that nearly a year has gone by in our marriage, some people have even wondered whether our marriage is okay. (Marital trouble cited as the reason we aren’t having kids yet.) For the record, our marriage is more than okay. I have the best husband in the world.

However, there are specific reasons why I am not ready for children yet. I know what these reasons are, and my husband knows. That’s all that matters to me. No one else needs to be involved.

But what does this have to do with a puppy? Well, the same reasons I’m not ready for children are causing me to feel not ready for a dog, either. Every time I’m around the puppy, I feel happy and excited. She’s a doll. But when I am not in her presence, I have major second thoughts and feel dreadful.

The reason I am messed up is this: How come I didn’t know I wasn’t quite ready for a dog YESTERDAY before we got the dog? Could have been useful information. Because now I just don’t know what to do. I’m torn. I love this dog. My husband loves this dog. But every time I think about it logically, my senses tell me I shouldn’t keep this dog. Which should be a good enough answer—if I feel so weird about it, I probably am not ready for a dog.

At the same time, though, I often get buyer's remorse. I don't know for sure why, but I do. Sometimes I feel sad about a purchase even though it was the right thing at the right time. It's confusing.

The crappy thing is that we are getting quite emotionally attached to it. I know I’ll really be letting my husband down if I decide to take her back to the rescue. He loves her and doesn’t have any of the same hang-ups I do. However, he is being absolutely awesome about this. He hasn’t gotten upset even once about the fact that I’ve been pushing for a dog for months, and now when it finally happens I change my mind. He just tells me he wants me to be happy.

And I don’t feel deserving of that. It’s making me teary-eyed just thinking about how lucky I am to have a husband like that. I’m very confused. I don’t know what to do about it, but a decision must be made. I’m just glad my husband will support my decision no matter what it is. He’s the best.

medical emergencies

In one month I have seen enough doctor’s offices and emergency medical centers to last me a lifetime. John has been having several unexplained infections. Right after Christmas we spent a full day in an Urgent Care in Las Vegas. John had a sinus infection and swimmer’s ear, which, if you’ve ever had it, you know how painful it is! Right after that we both got sick. I think we caught colds from the runny-nosed kids at the Urgent Care.

The Sunday before last we ended up in Urgent Care again, this time in a nice Scottsdale location. (We were in and out in under an hour – such a change from our Nevada experience.) This time, John was diagnosed with several conditions and given more antibiotics.

Where were we the very next Sunday (i.e., yesterday)? In the emergency room. It was actually quite scary. John woke up and couldn’t breathe or swallow – his throat was closing up. I threw on some clothes and frantically drove him to the emergency room. It turns out that not breathing is a true emergency. We didn’t even have to wait in the waiting room for one second. He was ushered to the back immediately. (I’ve waited with friends in the ER for hours, so it was kind of scary to have it treated as an actual emergency, when so many other people with emergencies wait and wait.)

Well, it turns out John has yet ANOTHER infection, this time in his throat. He was instructed to throw away the antibiotics he was already taking, given a new antibiotic and some steroids to reduce the swelling. And we were sent on our merry way.

He’s doing okay now; the swelling is almost gone. But I am just worried. Why is his immune system doing so poorly? What is really going on? And how many more urgent cares/emergency rooms will we be visiting before we find out?

When I worry about his health it makes John feel guilty. He doesn’t want me to have to worry about him. But I do. Most of the time I am positive that we will be able to figure this thing out and get him healthy again. But there are moments when I fear. And times when I ask, Lord how long?

He’ll be okay. At least we have each other through this trial. And that, along with major praying, is the biggest comfort I have.

random conversation of the day

John: I guess I could get a Trinity t-shirt.
Me: Someday you're going to have too many t-shirts.
John: Yeah. And someday I'm going to be famous. And I'll auction my t-shirts on e-bay like William Shatner's kidney stone.

deep in the heart of texas

To the woman who looked breathtakingly gorgeous with perfect hair and makeup even after a two-hour flight to San Antonion: I hate you.

Here I am in San Antonio, enjoying every minute of my stay. Last night we went to dinner and then walked along the river. Beautiful. Maybe it's because I grew up in Nevada where all the buildings are either new, fake, or shabby (or often a combination of the three), but I truly appreciate the architecture here. The buildings are so rich in history and originality. I could see myself living in a place like this.

And this morning I slept in until just before the continental breakfast went away, took a bath, and read my new Lemony Snicket book. I'm just lounging (which I enjoy immensely) until John finishes his assessment. Tonight we'll hit the town and celebrate my birthday in style.

This is my first trip to Texas, and so far I love it. However, I'm a little confused by the fact that nobody has that exaggerated Texan accent I expected them to have. Do the people who leave the state of Texas feel the need to prove where they're from by drawling big time? Or is that accent just from a different region in Texas?

Well, better go. Off to do more lounging. :)

all work and no play makes jack a dull boy

My birthday was a success. I got many lovely presents from coworkers, friends, and family. And I still have John’s present(s) to look forward to. :)

Two of my good friends came over last night and we ate Oreganos takeout, had too much junk food, and watched The Parent Trap. So fun! Then my friend TK spent the night so I wouldn’t have to be alone on my birthday, which was so nice of her. I needed it, too. I was kind of sad not having John around on my birthday. Being alone would have been a bit too much.

Plus, during the middle of the night I had a dream about that Danny kid from The Shining. I distinctly heard “Redrum! Redrum!” coming from somewhere in the house. It woke me up, and at that moment I was never so glad to have someone else in the house with me.

And this afternoon I’m off to San Antonio to meet up with my sweet husband. I can’t wait. In fact, I’m sitting here at work unable to concentrate. I just want to be with my husband again. I missed him way too much.

happy birthday to me!

Today is my birthday, and it’s been wonderful so far. (Apart from waking up in the morning with no one to cuddle next to. :( Which reminds me—without my husband’s built-in heater I had to wear pajamas, socks, AND warm up a rice bag to take to bed with me.)

Anyway, several items of interest.

1. A coworker gets bonus points after this conversation:

Her: How old are you turning?
Me: 31.
Her: WHAT??!!! I thought you were 22 or 23!

How she could think that, I don’t know. But it sure made my day.

2. Nobody noticed that I dyed my hair yesterday. Which is funny, considering the ordeal that it was. I’m sure TK will be mad at me for what I say, but I’m writing it anyway. My friend TK is kind enough to dye my hair for free. She is not a professional, and in her words, “You get what you pay for.”

I wanted my hair dyed to cover up the few gray hairs I have. It’s my birthday—no gray hairs! However, after we finished dyeing my hair, I looked in the mirror, and the gray hairs were still there on my head! I had no choice but to pull them out one by one.

The other problem is that the dye not only dyes my hair, but also my scalp and part of my face. No amount of scrubbing afterward gets it out. Time alone resolves that problem. Meanwhile, I look like leprosy has erupted on my head.

And then nobody can even tell a change has occurred with the color of my hair. Oh well. What can you do? But it’s my birthday, so I don’t care. I look hot today, and that’s all that matters.

our first night apart

I drove my husband to the airport this morning so he could fly to New York for a fellowship assessment. This is officially the first night since we got married that I (and he) will be sleeping alone. :( It’s going to be so weird. The bed will feel so empty.

The only sad thing is, my birthday is tomorrow, so I won’t get to be with him on my birthday. And I want to have a good birthday.

BUT, the good news is that I'm hanging out with my girlfriends Wednesday night, and then Thursday I fly to San Antonio to meet John (he has an assessment for a second fellowship in San Antonio), and we’ll celebrate my birthday together in Texas. :)

And I’ve already received some awesome presents—My sister got me Parent Trap I & II, and it’s difficult to explain to you how gleeful I was to get this present. Parent Trap II has never even been SOLD before; it was on TV only (which may explain to you the quality of that film…), and I’ve wanted to watch it for a long time, but just didn’t have it. So, yeah…time for a PT I-IV party!!!

My mother-in-law gave me a Victoria’s Secret gift card, which yielded me the best bra ever!

And my grandpa-in-law (is that correct?) gave me money.

And I wasn’t even expecting presents. I love my birthday!!!

i'm finally updating!

Okay, major update since I haven’t posted for so long.

Jury duty. I managed to be dismissed from the jury, probably because I admitted that it is possible I would trust the testimony of a police officer more than I would trust a regular person’s testimony. I knew when I said it that it might get me dismissed, but I said it because I truly think I might. It would be a subconscious thing, but it could happen.

And so, after spending most of that day sitting around in a lobby doing nothing, I was sent on my way, having done my duty to humanity (as a juror, at least. And only for the next year and a half.).

Work. My work situation is terrible. I have been so busy I go home at night and collapse. I’ve worked overtime this week, worked my butt off, and ultimately spend all my energy at a place I have no desire to be at. This is why I haven’t posted in a while, and also why I haven’t been looking for a new job. I just haven’t had the time and energy.

But you know what? Next week, I’m making time. I don’t care anymore that these things HAVE to get done at work. I’m taking a lunch. I’m going home at 5pm. I will not let this job suck me in for another year. I job search. End of story.

Life. I finally admitted to myself that I’m dealing with depression again. I guess I hoped that ignoring it would make it go away. Guess what? Ignoring didn’t help. So now I have to find a way out. Here’s what I’m going to try:

1. I’m changing my diet and exercise. I’m cutting out sugars and adding veggies, fruits, and a multi-vitamin. I’m going to go walking on my lunch hour at least twice a week. I’ll also do an exercise video at home once a week. I’ve started eating healthier this week, and I’m already noticing a difference in how I feel.

2. I’m going to start getting enough sleep. That will be a major help to me.

3. I’m job searching and won’t quit until I am working for a new employer.

4. I’m reading a book about how to make cognitive and behavioral changes. Depressed people have thought processes and behaviors that help keep them depressed, so I’m going to work on changing those things about me.

That’s my initial plan. I don’t want to set TOO many goals, because I tend to do that and then not accomplish much of anything.

The good news: I went to Victoria’s Secret and bought a fabulous bra, fabulous enough to make up for the bra I recently lost.

The bad news: I went up a size since last year, and we’re not talking cup size. :( Another reason why I will be exercising from now on.

In other news: I am taking a Chinese calligraphy class, which I just started today. I can’t tell you how excited I am about it. I’ve tried to get into this class for two years, and I’m finally taking it! I guess you could say it’s been a dream of mine. I’ll let you know how it goes.

And that’s all for now. Have a good weekend!

my civic duty

I think there's only one thing worse than going to work on a Monday morning: going to JURY DUTY on a Monday morning.

But that's where I'll be. :)

p.s. I'm back. I've been sick and didn't really felt like posting, but I'll do better now.

more late night conversations

Background to this conversation: John snores, so I have a sound machine that makes “white noise” to drown out the snoring. John hates the sound machine.

Me: Can I turn on my sound machine?
J: No; I hate it so much.
Me: But how will I sleep if I don’t turn it on?
J: Watch Dr. Phil.
Me: What for?
J: I hear he can help with stuff like that.
Me: Uhhh…(speechless again!)
……………………

Me: Goodnight.
J: But wait. What about the pinewood derby?
Me: (what the…!!!?) Well, what about the pinewood derby?
J: Shouldn’t we be getting ready for it?
Me: No. Goodnight.

story of my life

I have put off writing this entry because of how angry I get just thinking about it. There aren’t words for the disgust and frustration I feel after getting a haircut last weekend. (And just how many times do I have to get a bad haircut, huh? Where is the justice? Where is the reprieve? Why can’t I have nice hair FOR ONCE?!!!)

My hairstylist did an amazing job two months ago, giving me a fabulous haircut. To me it felt edgy, sexy, and fairly natural (natural, that is, after I showered out the “poof” she styled my hair into.) I was so happy and impressed, but I knew that it was most likely a one-time fluke.

So after she cut my hair last weekend, I nearly cried I was so sad. I look mousy, babyish. Dull. I don’t even know how to describe what makes this cut bad; I can’t tell what she did differently. I just know that two months ago I felt sexy, and today I feel bland and not worth a second look. And my self-esteem has taken a dive because of it.

But I don’t understand how the same stylist could do such a bad job when she did so well the first time. And I don’t even know how to explain what I actually want, because I don’t know what the difference is!

So I look in a mirror and feel bad. I feel very, very unattractive. And I would love to kick my hairstylist.

nickel creek p.s.

p.s. I meant to add in my last post: We were so close to the stage that I could see that Sean Watkins has a lisp. The venue was standing room only :( but I truly enjoyed being so close to the musicians.

post-concert thoughts.

I meant to give a report on the Andrew Bird & Nickel Creek concert we went to on Wednesday. It was simply amazing. Andrew Bird was the opening act, and John and I had heard some of his songs, but they are NOTHING compared to his performance live. I was in love with his voice from the time that he opened his mouth. I tried to think of a word that could describe what I loved about it, and all I came up with was pure. Andrew Bird’s voice is clear and pure and doesn’t need any backup. But, if you read my husband’s blog, he described all the interesting instruments he used. Amazingly talented man. Wow. Just wow.

Andrew Bird was so amazing and unusual, however, that (in my opinion) he outperformed Nickel Creek, and their show was just a little bit lacking by comparison. And Nickel Creek was very good, don’t get me wrong. Andrew Bird just blew me away and was such a pleasant surprise. I’d see him live again.

Anyway, I was talking to a friend about how lucky I am to have such a thoughtful, perceptive husband who thinks to do something like that for me, and she told me it’s beyond lucky: that I found a rare, wonderful man. I couldn’t agree more; it’s just a little overwhelming to know that someone that good happened to me.

the disney report, days 3, 4, and 5

Well, to sum it all up:

Rides were ridden. Churros were eaten (but not enough of them. There’s never enough churro eating.) We got sick as dogs and kept on pushing and shoving at Disneyland anyway. We were beyond exhausted and kept getting up at 6am anyway.

John met Mickey.
























We met Pluto.


















And yes, on our last day there, we finally met the pardoned turkey. Our work at Disneyland was done.


















So until next time, we truly overloaded on Disneyland. I’ve had my fill for the next few years, anyway!

dream interpretation

The other day I dreamed I was married to some creep and was in the middle of a messy divorce. John was my divorce lawyer. It turns out that my divorce lawyer and I have an affair.

I told John about my dream.

Me: Interpret this dream for me.
John: Um...we're meant to be together no matter what?

hands down, my husband is the best

What an interesting weekend we had. I pretty much acted like a jerkface to my husband. Or, as I started saying after we watched part of Elf, I’m a cotton-headed ninny muggins. I tried not to act that way, but the more I tried, the worse it got. I had built up some resentment, and instead of talking about it, I acted not very nice. Yeah, not the best thing to do.

Then at church on Sunday, we had a lesson on forgiveness in Sunday school. John and I are in a “couples” Sunday School class, and it’s an 8-week course on how to be a better spouse. I have really enjoyed it. But anyway, the lesson was on forgiveness, and I realized that I desperately needed forgiveness for the way I had been treating my husband. And I realized that resentment was poisoning me and I needed to stop.

So after church we talked…and talked…and talked. I think it went amazingly well. I’m proud of the way were able to talk about difficult and somewhat painful topics without getting defensive or angry. We’ve worked hard to be able to interact this way. Anyway, from this conversation I learned how much I’ve been hurting my husband by my actions. And I learned what a remarkable and wonderful husband I have. When he understood the concern I had, he hugged me. And then he said something like, “I won’t tell you that things will be better; you will see it in my actions.” I know he means it.

And I mean it too. I felt terrible when I learned how I’ve been hurting my husband, and I don’t want to do that anymore.

To top it all off, at the end of the day, my husband presented me with a card. Our nine-month anniversary is today (yeah!), and the card was a sweet Christmas card that contained an early Christmas/anniversary present: tickets to go see Nickel Creek on Wednesday! I was shocked. First, he noticed that I love Nickel Creek, second he noticed that they were going to be in town. Third, he did something about it! Wow. I felt so loved. He’s the best. Truly.

the disney report, day 2

Disneyland, Day 2 (Thursday)

It didn’t feel like Thanksgiving, waking up at 6am and eating a substandard breakfast at the hotel continental breakfast. It’s a free breakfast, so beggars can’t be choosers, but they didn’t even serve name-brand cereal. I was forced to eat “Tasty Flakes” or something.

We made it to Disneyland just before its opening. A few of us had gotten there earlier and held our place in line, but we felt a little awkward when the 5 people in line were joined by about 15 people. Sorry, all you people behind us in line. We’re a big family.

Surprisingly, Grandma and Frank were nowhere to be seen. I pictured them back at their hotel, snuggling in bed together, enjoying their time alone. Kind of cute, if a little weird to picture your grandma as a newlywed. In reality, though, I think what really happened is that Frank was tired and Grandma couldn’t get him out of bed.

So our first ride was Splash Mountain, and some of us, including me and John, got SOAKED! Two rides later we were on Pirates of the Caribean and got soaked again! Seriously, my underwear felt squishy. I sat down and left a butt print behind when I got up. The wetness was unpleasant, but we pressed onward. By the end of the day, we had ridden just about all the major rides.

We did sneak a nap in during the middle of the day, though. The plan was to nap during the day so we could stay at Disneyland until midnight. But after the nap we felt more disoriented than rested.

Then we were right back at it—pushing and shoving our way through the park. Thanksgiving day was just plain crowded. I don’t mind a small crowd, but Disneyland can be ridiculous. Especially when we got caught at the end of a parade, walking 50 steps an hour, or when John and I were caught between a Mickey siting and a million screaming kids; well…me no likey.

We also managed to eat a Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant near Disneyland. Let’s just say it was pretty good for having been cooked in a restaurant made to serve hundreds of old people some really cheap food. In other words, imagine eating Thanksgiving dinner at Denny’s, and you’ve got a picture of our dinner. But it was fun to be all together, and the food wasn’t horrible.

I don’t think we quite made it until midnight that night, but we were close. I do know we rode Big Thunder Mountain three times in a row, all within the space of about 10 minutes. We love screaming on that ride. For some reason (Howdy partners. This here is the wildest ride in the WILDERNESS!), it’s a family favorite.

So we went to bed tired, knowing we’d be up at 6am again the next morning. To be continued…

Picture of the day. Here’s John and I in line for the Matterhorn. Can you tell we are still wet?

the disney report, day 1

I’m finally getting around to our vacation play-by-play. Disneyland during Thanksgiving is not recommended. It’s crowded. It’s germ filled. (Which is why I took so long to post—I’ve been sick!) But we did it, and we survived. This is the report:

Disneyland, Day 1 (Wednesday)

Our hotel is seriously 30 feet from the gate to Disneyland. It may smell weird and have a crappy continental breakfast, but it’s all about location.

My dad took my neice Sareny to Downtown Disney, and immediately bought her a sweatshirt. We didn’t see that one coming…The rest of us joined them a little later, but I wasn’t so impressed. It’s just a dubiously Disney themed outdoor mall that’s overpriced simply because it’s right by Disneyland. I don’t think so.

We met my grandma’s husband Frank for the first time. She got married in a whirlwind romance (can that really happen in your 70s?) – they started dating in August; got married in October. Frank is nice enough, but I think everyone – including my grandma! – is comparing him to my grandpa who died about three years ago. Competing with a memory is difficult, I’m sure. My sister Cassidy actually started crying (not in front of him, of course). She cannot really come to terms with my grandma loving any man other than my grandpa.

We exchanged Disneyland “surprises” that first day. Every time we go to Disneyland, we make each other some kind of surprise related to Disneyland. Sometimes we get a little elaborate, but it’s fun! Cassidy & her fiancé James created a cute Mickey maze, and made Mickey cookies. My dad made lists of all the ‘hidden mickeys’ in Disneyland (A hidden mickey, for those of you who are wondering, is, in a nutshell: Within the Disneyland park are strategically arranged items, like dinner plates on a table, that resemble Mickey's head. They're usually semi-hidden, and fun to find.), and offered prizes to those who found the most hidden mickeys. Hillari & Alexis made a fun word game. Jake & Liz gave us the Indiana Jones decoder pins. John and I created a photo book that contained several pictures taken at Disneyland. The first picture is a close-up and they had to guess where in Disneyland the picture was taken before they turn the page and see. For example, do you know where this picture was taken?:

.

.

.

.

.

.

Here's the answer:

We ended the evening at a restaurant down the street to celebrate my sister Cassidy’s 21st birthday. John secretly got the waiter to bring out desert and sing Happy Birthday. Good times. Good food.

Oh yes, and let's not forget that we argued back and forth over which ride would be first the next morning. We finally agreed on Splash Mountain, and then went to bed knowing we'd be getting up at 6am the next morning!

To be continued…

Happy Thanksgiving!!

We're off to the happiest place on earth to spend Thanksgiving with 50,000 of our closest friends. My husband sent me this link this morning. It's nice to know that we'll also get to see the pardoned turkey during our stay at Disneyland!

And just because I can, and because I just pulled out these wedding pictures, I leave you with a photo from my second reception, held in an art gallery in Scottsdale. (Photo taken by TK.) In the picture we are in a small gathering of friends and family, exchanging rings for the benefit of those who were not able to be with us in the temple on our wedding day. It was a surprisingly touching moment, because we both got to share our feelings about each other. The gouged wall behind us is actually a piece of art hanging on the wall.

hot kisses

I went to the chiropractor yesterday, and it reminded me of something that happened last time I went…

I’ve been seeing the chiropractor for pain in my forearm, and as a treatment, she massages this icy hot type of gel onto my arm. That night, while sitting on the couch, J randomly started kissing my arm. Keep in mind this is not typical behavior. It’s not like he kisses my arm on a regular basis, but for some reason, he did that day. In fact, he kissed it several times.

Then, a minute later he turned to me with lips puckered and said, “Why are my lips numb?” I laughed and laughed when I realized he had been kissing on my icy hot. Hee hee.