Join the revolution!

We did something I never saw myself agreeing to – we bought a Playstation2 on Monday. Why did I agree to this? I hate video games, I hate the killing games they make, I hate how my brother spent most of his childhood in front of a computer screen.

But, I LOVE Dance Dance Revolution!!! John and I have been contemplating the purchase of a treadmill for exercise. But a treadmill is very expensive and very large. So…I came up with the idea of buying DDR for our exercise. Two days later, (on Monday of this week) we came home from BestBuy with all the materials needed.

I was (and still am) so excited! It's the most brilliant invention ever. And we’ve been playing it faithfully ever since we bought it. I don’t have much coordination, so DDR is pretty challenging for me, but it’s so fun! I never thought I would enjoy exercise this much. Here's to losing weight while having loads of fun.

Anyway, if you know us in real life, come over and play with us! Consider yourself invited.

K is for...

S'mee gave me this lovely assignment, which is to share 10 things that are important to me that start with the letter 'K.'

If you'd like to play too, leave me a comment and I'll assign you a letter. In your blog you'll write 10 things that start with that letter that are important to you and explain why. Easy!

Here goes mine:

Keepsakes – I’m very bad at printing photographs and displaying them, but because of recent events where our hard drive was destroyed along with many photos, I’m going to change my ways!

Kissing – Well, who doesn’t like kissing? But I like it even more. :) Good thing John is such a good kisser. Hee!

Kin – What can I say? My family is my life.

Kids – I’ve always felt a special bond with kids. We just relate. I love holding babies, playing with kids, reading to them, and generally hanging out.

Kittens – There’s not much cuter than a baby kitty. Or a baby anything.

Kites – Kites are fun to fly. It’s also fun to be at the park on a perfect, sunny day with someone you love. Kite is optional.

Kindness – I would like to be as kind and loving as most people believe I am. I don't think kindness can ever be overemphasized.

Knowledge – I love learning new things. I love school so much I’m still going! I always joked to my mom that I would be a professional student. I guess I wasn’t really joking.

Kicks – I’m known for saying “I’ll kick him in the head (or other body part best not named)” when I’m mad at someone. So three cheers for kicks!

Knitting – After trying to learn to knit for a year in Bulgaria, I realize that it’s much easier to learn in English. I finally know how. Of course, I actually like crocheting more, but that doesn’t begin with ‘K’, does it?

i think i'm right

This was in the Ariozona Republic on April 8th, and it makes me mad:

Biodesign chief sets challenges

As a drug-company executive for 17 years, George Poste knew the perils of slumping sales: less money for research, slower growth and possible layoffs. Now, as head of the Biodesign Institute at Arizona State University, Poste wants his staff to face the same consequences. Under him, each researcher must generate $225 in federal or private grants for each square foot of space he or she occupies or lose lab space and maybe points in a performance review. It's not the typical accountability measure in academe, but Poste makes no apologies.

"That is tragically the Darwinian model," Poste said. Those who can't compete shouldn't be carried by other researchers or the university, he said. "(Otherwise) it's a form of academic welfare. Dispense with it."

So basically, if your research makes lots of money, you’re good, but if it doesn’t, you’re gone. This is exactly the type of corporate crap that I think will be the downfall of universities. Researching everything (even the non-money makers) is important, but I think it’s even more important in the medical field.

What this means is that potentially important medical discoveries may never be made because they aren’t going to make millions of dollars for the university.

This is good for ASU’s budget. Not so very good for humanity.

this post is dedicated to the one i love

My husband graduates with his MPA today, and I'm so proud of him. I just had to post and say congrats to him! He won the award for best scholar-citizen in Public Affairs, AND he's at the top of his class GPA-wise. Not only do I think he's extraordinary, but so do all the professors in the School of Public Affairs.

I married one brilliant, accomplished, scholarly man! Which makes me smart as well for marrying him. :)

Yay John-John! Congratulations on your amazing achievements so far. This is just one small stepping stone toward many, many more amazing and wonderful things. Know that I couldn't be prouder of you, your accomplishments, or who you are.

love,
HJ

hallelujah

We have air conditioning again; finally! No more hanging out at the mall for us. We can sit around in our own living room on a Friday evening and not lose five pounds of sweat.

Thanks to my husband's latest post, I am now craving Mexican food in a big way. As John knows, though, it doesn't take much to get me craving Mexican food. But it's Cinco de Mayo, so there's no way you're going to find me in a Mexican restuarant tonight...too bad.

Have a lovely weekend, all.

evil empire strikes back

You are not going to believe this. I can hardly belive it myself. We went to Wal-Mart two days in A ROW this week! I'd offer excuses, but...the truth is, we're guilty. We patronized Wal-Mart twice in one week. Feel free to throw stones (if you are without sin yourself!).

i feel good

The other day my husband told me I have good shoulders. No one has ever told me that before.

And I'm not sure why, but the compliment has really stuck with me. It makes me happy every time I think of it. I'm smiling right now, as a matter of fact.

more down than up

Today is somewhat of a down day.

Maybe it's because we came back from my parents' house yesterday after spending time with all the siblings at my sister's wedding. I love and miss my family. I wish we all lived closer to each other.

Maybe it's because I feel (again; this happens periodically) that I have no purpose in life. The things I think about on a daily basis: exercising, eating healthy, what I'm going to make for dinner, what part of the house I'm going to clean, building my relationship with my husband, improving my spirituality, making new friends and building the friendships I already have.

That's a pretty good list of what I think about during any given day. But you know what? It's boring! Where are the grand plans for changing the world or at least making a difference in the world? Where, in the midst of cleaning house, making dinner, and exercising, is ME?

Am I making any sense? My life is a checklist, and sometimes I'm pretty good at getting all the checks done in one day, but it doesn't really fulfill me in the long term. What the heck am I looking for? Why am I not content?

Sorry. Just venting. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

you're fired!

I had a dream last night that I was on The Apprenctice, only it wasn't Donald Trump on the show, it was ASU President . We were all competing as we worked on the 'task' in order to win favor with him.

All I know is, I was terrified of him! He notices every detail, every little flaw. He expects nothing less than perfection. (I should know; in a round about way, I work for him.) I just find it funny that subconsciously I put our president in the position of Donald Trump. (I can see him saying to me, "You're fired!") I think that image would only be funny to someone who currently goes to ASU.

I'm sure he won't read my blog and find out what his employee is saying about him. Why would he? Though he seems to have time for EVERYTHING under the sun including googling himself on the internet, he surely wouldn't care what people think of him. Andf he does care, he has to know already that people are intimidated by him.

(If you're reading this, please don't fire me.)

new career path

A while back my career goal was to become a librarian. In fact, I even went to the trouble to get a master's degree in library science. But that was before a year's worth of rejection from all the library jobs I applied to. (With the exception of one offer, which I rejected. So I guess it wasn't unilateral rejection.)

But anyway, lately I've been rethinking my career choice. The appeal of being a librarian grows dimmer and dimmer as I see cities slash library budgets right and left. The "shushing" librarian stereotype is alive and well. And libraries, instead of being at the forefront of knowledge and the heart of the community (as I believe they should be), are being rendered obsolete by Borders bookstore and the world wide web.

I can see the writing on the wall. Do I think libraries will ever dissapear permanently? No. But I do think they need a major overhaul to make them more relevant in this day and age. Some libraries are doing a pretty good job of that, but so many of them are as traditional as ever.

Where does this leave me? So far, without a job that I can wake up every day and be excited about. The last few days I've done some serious soul searching. What do I really want to do with my life?

You know what I came up with? Please do not laugh, because I'm serious. Personal trainer. I had actually thought about this career in the past, but it was more of a fleeting thought that didn't last long because I didn't think I could do it, especially because I really didn't have any experience in it. But in the last few weeks as I've been doing SparkPeople, I've learned a few things. 1. With motivation and desire, I can accomplish a whole lot. 2. I love exercise. 3. I love getting other people excited about exercise and eating right.

Maybe that's not much of a reason to embark on a brand new career path. I'm not sure yet. But I'm serious enough about it that I enrolled in two ASU courses this summer -- a nutrition course and an exercise science course. I just want to get a feel for what I might be getting into if my life veered off in this new direction. Oh, plus I'm taking a bellydancing class and a yoga/pilates class. Fun? Absolutely.

The best thing of all is that John supports me in this 100%. He always does. He doesn't laugh at my random career plans or complain about the fact that I might have to get yet another degree. (Maybe that's because I support him 100% in his desire to get yet another degree. But his will be a PhD while mine would most likely be a BS or at the most an MS degree.)

But right now this is all a what if. I don't know for sure WHAT I'm going to be doing in the next while. But I do know that I can't continue working at my current job without at least a goal and a plan for getting there. I feel that even if becoming a personal trainer isn't in the stars for me, at least I'm exploring and trying new things, and I know I'll stumble across the right career for me. Maybe I already have. It's worth exploring.

--H

think about it

The Karate Kid. Has a better movie ever been made? I dare you to think of one.

deathly sick but getting better

I went to the Dr. on monday and found out what is wrong with me -- I have pneumonia. Yikes. And, I gave it to my husband. :( So while I'm finally on the upswing and getting better, my husband is coughing and wheezing at home.

The worst of it was when we were in Nevada this weekend with my family. John started showing symptoms on Friday, and we slept most of the weekend instead of doing much with the family. :( Then on Sunday, when we were supposed to drive back to AZ, neither of us could do it. So I called in sick on Monday and we drove back then. We still felt crappy, but somehow John managed to get us back home.

Now I'm feeling a little better. I went on a 15 minute walk today and felt pretty okay afterward. By next week I should be back to my normal self.

Oh, and for anyone wondering, I didn't get the library job. I'm feeling pretty discouraged about that, so that's pretty much all I'm going to say about it at this point.

i'm sort of alive

I'm alive, but only barely. I got sick again. Yes, again.

Coughing, high fever, achy, sleepy. This time I went to my doctor and asked for blood tests to be done to figure out what's going on. I mean, first I get bronchitis, then the fake strep throat thing, then the rash, and now this.
I usually have a healthy immune system, getting sick maybe once a year. But this is three times in little over a month. Something is definitely going on here.

To top it all off, I still don't have a handle on my depression. Maybe the sickness is making it worse, or maybe the depression is lowering the defeneses of my immune system. Either way, I'm tired of being sick, and I'm tired of being sad.

In other news, we already got part of our tax return back -- and the tax deadline hasn't even happened yet! What?!!! What's going on here? Usually I'm in the line of cars trying to drop off my tax envelope at the Post Office before midnight hits on tax day. But, thanks to my husband, he did it all for us over a week ago. Yay!

This weekend we're off to Nevada to see my sister go through the temple for the first time and then have her bridal shower. Two weeks later we'll be going back for her wedding. Then all of us will be married but the youngest, who turns 17 today!

Okay, time to go sleep off some of this sickness.

Happy Easter everyone.

striped lobster

I’ll bet you are dying to know how the tanning salon went, aren’t you?

Well, imagine the whitest, ghostly person you can think of, and that’s me. I entered the tanning salon and found myself amongst bronze beauties. Boy did I feel out of place! The tan girl in front of me was assigned to a tanning bed for 12 minutes. The very tan attendant (whose ample bosoms, not adequately covered, were also very bronze) took one look at me and set the timer for 5 minutes.

It was weird. I felt entombed with a death ray that was slowly adding years to my skin. But that’s just me being overdramatic. I’ve always been opposed to tanning, especially tanning beds. My reasons are pretty shallow – I don’t ever want my skin to look leathery and old. It was news to me that tanning is used for medical purposes!

Anyway, after two sessions at 5 minutes, they felt I had moved up in the world and could handle 6 minutes. No problem, right? Ha! Let’s just say that certain parts of my body that never see the light of day are now bright red. I’m a lobster; actually, a striped lobster! The tanning light bulbs gave me a nice stripe on my…rear.

i'm off to the tanning bed!

I went to the doctor today because I had these weird red splotches all over my stomach. She says they were caused by the antibiotics I was taking for my strep throat. But guess what the remedy is? Sunlight. I have to expose the rash to sunlight. What the heck? Have you ever heard of that?

But she showed me the picture in a book, and the guy in the picture had a stomach that looked an awfully lot like mine. And I read in the book that the cure is sunlight. So now…I’m going to go to a tanning salon for the first time in my life. (I don’t really want to expose my stomach to the light of day…yet.)

Guess what, though? While at the doctor’s office I weighed in, and I’ve lost two more pounds! I've been eating healthy as well as exercising five times a week, and it's paying off. My praise of SparkPeople grows and grows. I’m so very proud of myself and I feel so much better. Yay for me.

what if i found my dream job?

Advil has become my new best friend. When I was sick (about 5 days) I took an Advil every 5 hours or so to keep my temperature down. Now that’s past, but a sinus headache has taken its place. So every time I lie down, a pain hits me in the eye. It’s like somebody is stabbing me in the eye with a pencil. So it’s either not lie down and get no sleep, or take an Advil at night. Then I wake up in the middle of the night after the medicine wears off with more stabbing pains…so I hit the Advil yet again. One of these days I won’t be taking a million pills a day, I hope. I’d tell you how many I’m taking right now, but you wouldn’t believe me—or you’d think I was dying of something. Surely.

Anyway, IN OTHER NEWS: I interviewed this morning for my perfect job. It couldn’t be more made for me, and I hope I conveyed that in the interview. The job would be as a children/youth librarian at the local public library. Totally me! I would work at the children’s reference desk, plan and carry out story time and other activities, create brochures & other promotional stuff. And not only that, the position would include creating and maintaining web pages. I would be in heaven doing this. The salary is pretty good, too.

I didn’t want to talk about it or post about it beforehand, because I didn’t want to jinx it. I still don’t. But I did my best at the interview, and that’s really all I can do. I came out of the interview feeling pretty good. The scary part of the interview? The first thing they made me do was pick a book and a finger puppet and do an impromptu story time in front of the three interviewers. Yikes! But I did okay…probably not the best story time they’ve ever seen, because I’ve never actually done one before, but okay.

Even if I don’t get this job I feel more hopeful now. I can and will find the right job for me. If I had my way it would have happened a long time ago, but I’ll accept what comes my way and be thankful when it does happen.

out sick yet again

My blog has been seriously neglected lately, but for good reason. I got sick again. Maybe it was strep throat, but maybe not. Whatever it was, it kicked my butt. I’m still trying to fight off a horrible cough, but at least I can go to work and exercise again.

That’s right, I said exercise! I have been doing at least 10 minutes or more of exercise every weekday (until I got sick). Now I’m back at it. This week I’m moving up to 20-30 minutes of exercise. I’m still going strong on SparkPeople. I got a few of my family members to do it with me, and we’ve created quite a team. We race each other for points, but mostly we encourage each other to make small healthy changes in our lifestyle. It’s great.

And you know what? I’ve lost two pounds so far. My clothing already looks less bad on me. I feel very empowered to accomplish this goal and many others.

At the same time, some of my goals are pretty tough to accomplish. So much so that I get discouraged sometimes. And sometimes I wish I weren’t so goal oriented; that I could live and enjoy and just be. But everything turns into a goal for me, and I get tired of my life being one long checklist. Sigh. I guess I’m a little down today. It happens. Thanks for listening.

found a spark

I came to a dramatic conclusion the other day. I'm tired of looking bad in my clothing, and I decided to do something about it. I've thought that a million times before, but this time I was serious.

So I joined SparkPeople. Ever heard of it? It's really the most awesome tool to come along for weight loss, exercise, healthy lifestyle, and goal setting. I love it. If you are thinking about losing weight, finding and sticking to lifestyle changes, or wanting to set up exercise into your schedule, join SparkPeople.
First off, it's free, and it offers awesome tools and helps for achieving your goals. I've only been a member for three days, but already I can tell a huge difference in my attitude and motivation. The guy who created this site truly wants to help people. His story is inspiring. I probably sound like an infomercial, but I can't help it. I'm inspired and I want to pass on the love!

Anyway, I am planning to lose 15 pounds in the next four months. It's not a lot of weight, but it's enough that I had to get serious in order to get into a healthy mindset. I'm making life changes and I am dang proud of myself for doing it.

I'll probably update on my progress from time to time.

Okay, I'm off to get ready to go to Tucson to celebrate my anniversary! Happy St. Patrick's day, and have a great weekend...

love lives here

Today marks the first day of our second year of marriage.

Our first anniversary was yesterday, and it was nice. It was Sunday, so we woke up late, went to church, and then ate a low-key meal and watched Back to the Beach together. Not exciting, I suppose. But it was nice to spend time together, knowing that we’ve been married a year, and that more great years are coming.

We didn’t have our frozen wedding cake to eat (it’s in my parents’ freezer, alas), so we took two Reese’s peanut butter cups, said cheers, and ate them up.

We’re also planning to go spend a night at a hotel on the 17th, which will be the day when we celebrate a little more; possibly going out of town, definitely lounging in a hotel and visiting museums and such.

But even if we don’t do that, yesterday was enough. I am blessed. I found my true love and I’ve had him for a year. Year two begins today.

tagged

Wow, S’mee tagged me for this fun little questionaire. Thanks!!!

Four Jobs I Have Had in My Life:

1) Recreation counselor – One of the funnest jobs I’ve ever had. I just played games and made crafts with kids. I became the Battleship and Connect Four champion.
2) Hostess at the coffee shop at the Virgin River Casino in Mesquite, NV – Oh my, how I hated that job and the black pants and pink shirt. And the evil waitresses. Let’s not forget the time I spilled an entire pitcher of water on my mother!
3) Server at Denny’s – Boy, was I moving up in the world! From hostess to server. Let’s just say that my boss was Ghengis Khan and never bought new food supplies until they were all gone and customers were complaining. What?!!!
4) Janitor/Custodian at the BYU – I had to get up at 4 in the morning for this job. I slept through many a class and got my worst grade ever during this time period.

Four Movies I Watch Over and Over:

1) What about Bob? – This movie is a classic, but it doesn’t explain why my husband and I can watch it so many times.
2) Napoleon Dynamite – But my lips hurt real bad!
3) Parent Trap I-IV – My husband doesn’t share the love, but my sisters do!
4) Gidget – I love this movie.

Four Places I've Lived:

1) Overton, Nevada – For the first 18 years of my life.
2) Provo, Utah – The college years.
3) Sofia and Burgas, Bulgaria – LDS Mission.
4) Bejing, China – Taught English there for a short time after getting my degree and not having any direction whatsoever.

Four TV shows you love to watch:

I don’t love TV much, but…
1) Everwood – Before it got trashy, like everything does. Yeah, it’s on the WB, but it used to be good.
2) 24 – I’ve only watched this one once, if you can believe it. But I liked it.
3) The Biggest Loser – Saw this one a couple of times. Pretty good.
4) The Great Race – Watched it once. I’d watch it again.

Four Websites you visit daily:

Geez, I don’t have any interesting ones…hotmail, yahoo, people’s blogs…
1) asu.edu – Yeah, I have to.
2) Maybe I’m a nerd, but I go here a lot. I love the public libraries.
3) I don’t visit it daily, but it’s fun: readymademag.com
4) Used to visit but don’t anymore: ericdsnider.com

Four of My Favorite Foods:

1) Bread – There is no food I love more than good bread. I could eat it all day, every day.
2) Hummus – Though it seems to be the most gas causing substance known to humankind (TMI?), I love it.
3) Feta cheese – On salads, pizza, and bread; in my favorite Bulgarian food banitsa; feta cheese is worth its weight in gold.
4) Prosciutto and melon – Hey, it sounds weird, but my husband introduced me to it, and it’s good. Actually, I like any Italian food he makes.

Four Places I'd rather be right now:

1) Home in bed with my sweet husband. :)
2) In NV with the whole family.
3) In Europe with the husband, visiting Italy, Albania, and Bulgaria.
4) On a cruise (to anywhere but Alaska) with the husband.

Four folks to pass this on to:

1) Johnny, the husband.
2) TK, the friend.
3) penguinconqueso, another friend.
4) Eden, friend from way back.

Thanks! And have fun.

i want to feel like myself again

Okay, TK and kimbo! You are right—a week is too long to go without writing. Thanks for caring. :) The truth is, I was a zombie all last week. And that’s not much of an exaggeration.

I’m on new medications, and they are making me so tired that I can hardly function. One of the medications is for allergies, and sleepiness is one of the symptoms. So I finally stopped taking that. But guess what? The allergy symptoms came back full force, and surprisingly are EVEN WORSE than being tired all the time. So I went back on the medicine and made an appointment to see my doctor.

I just want to feel normal again. If that’s even possible. My husband says he doesn’t think I’ve been myself for at least nine months, and I don’t know that I can disagree…

A week goes by and it seems like my life changes completely. Here’s a random sampling of what’s been going on:

**It’s my husband’s 25th birthday!!! Go here to wish him a happy birthday.

**Remember the library job? Well, I got offered the position. The salary offered was pretty much what I’m making now (except without my new raise), and he wouldn’t budge on that. Still, I was all set to take the position but found out other things that made the offer much less acceptable.

1. I wouldn’t get benefits for three months. We are not currently in a position to be able to go without benefits. Remember the emergency room? Yeah, I wouldn’t want to pay for that out of pocket.

2. I would be paying $150 more per month on insurance premiums. So my salary dropped even further.

3. I would only get 10 vacation days per year (I get 22 where I’m at now), and they wouldn’t start accruing for three months. Also, I would get no sick days—instead, I’d have to use vacation days if I got sick. (At ASU I get 12 sick days per year).

4. The guy who made the offer was just sketchy on too many things. I realized I would have no idea what I was getting into, and by the time I found out, it would be too late to do anything about it.

For these reasons and others, I declined the offer. I was a little sad, because I truly want to work in a library, but I don’t regret my decision. So I guess that means I made the right choice. It’s back to the job search for me.

**Some hard things are going on with my family right now. I guess you could say my dad got ‘fired’ from the best part of his job. He still has his job, but without the cool part. And the person who did the ‘firing’ is my mom’s direct boss. It hurts a lot to hear that my dad was sobbing after he got the news. The hardest thing is that there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s hard for me to see the people I love in pain. I’ve been praying a lot for them.

**I went to the doctor, and it seems like she really knows what she’s doing. They drew blood to check out my thyroid. We’ll see how things go with that.

**Something unbelievable—my coworker/supervisor apologized for her behavior on Friday. I wasn’t expecting that at all, but it was great of her to do it. Things are much less tense around here. Crazy.

stuff

1. I feel very bad about the following:

My coworker/supervisor (When I was hired, she was my direct supervisor. Now we're pretty much coworkers even though she still treats me as though she's my supervisor. When I get my raise and title change, I will consider her a coworker and act that way.) said something to me and a coworker that made us feel like we're being babysat.

Later, I was about to make the comment to her, "I wonder if I should tell coworker/supervisor that her comments make me feel like a peon." I didn't get the words out of my mouth because coworker/supervisor walked into the room. I snapped my mouth shut and felt like a jerk.

Especially when coworker/supervisor said, "Why do you guys always get quiet when I walk into a room?" (I don't know what she's referring to when she says 'always'.) "I'm not dumb. I know you do it." I had no comment. I just felt so stupid and ashamed, because though I don't always do it, in this instance she was dead on. I was talking about her. And I shouldn't have been.

My relationship with this woman was already strained. Now she thinks I'm sitting around talking about her all the time. Sigh. When the title change comes, I will just interact with her much less. Or when I get a new job. Whichever comes first.

2. I finally called a doctor today. Last night I was coughing and scratching my face so hard that I woke up out of a dead sleep. I thought I was having an allergic reaction of some kind. Maybe I was, and it was the last straw. I'm tired of sneezing all day long. I'm tired of itchy eyes, throat, nose, mouth, lips. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of depression. Sick and d*** tired of all these things. So I made the call. Of course, I probably won't get in to see a doctor for a few weeks, but at least I made the first move.

I still need to call my counselor and get an appointment, but I guess I'll focus on one thing at a time.

3. I like to make lists.

4. It is currently 3pm. I get to go home in two hours! tick tick tick tick....

blue is blue and so am i

I am at work about to have a breakdown. I can’t say it’s just one thing causing this. It’s more of a combination; a stress cocktail, if you will. I’m just to the point where I can’t take it anymore.

I can’t take one more night of doing nothing more than watching TV or movies when I get home from work. But the problem is that I have no energy or desire to do anything else. I do feel guilty about doing nothing else, though. Oh yes! A better person would keep in touch with their friends, keep their house clean, spend quality time with their spouse, do volunteer work somewhere – so say my thoughts. I don’t measure up to these standards at all. I don’t even try to.

Yes, depression is seriously hindering my ability to accomplish anything or feel good about anything. I feel like I’m wearing cement shoes. Any simple task feels like I’m being asked to climb a mountain. I’m tired of feeling empty. I’m tired of feeling tired. I’m tired of feeling that my life is worthless.

I need help but I don’t know where to start. My counselor is good, but I’ve tapered off my visits. My doctor dispenses prescriptions like they’re candy, so I don’t want to get a prescription from her – she’d give one to a drug addict. I want real help and advice, not just her signature on a piece of paper. Not that I’m opposed to medication; I just want to make sure it’s is warranted before I go that route. Which means getting a new doctor, which means waiting weeks to get in to see her, which means that in the meantime, I suffer.

I guess I just needed to write this out so I don’t have an actual breakdown at work. I hope I can find a solution here so that I don’t feel this way anymore. Thanks for “listening.” Writing it out really does help.

"And if you carry me tonight
I would be strong enough to fight
And when you're weak and can't go on
I'd be the bed you lay upon"

i'm so lucky

Okay. I have to mention the amazing gift my husband gave me for my birthday. He has gone above and beyond what I ever expected for my birthday. I was simply amazed when I opened it.

A while before he gave the gift to me, he told me I was really going to like it. Then I found out he was keeping it at his mom's house, which made it seem like a large item. A piece of furntiure? I wondered, but couldn't figure it out.

Finally, on the day we got back from San Antonio, he gave me this:



Yes, my husband gave me a mandolin for my birthday!!! I could not have been more surprised or excited about a gift. John knows me so well! The interesting thing is, I had only mentioned in passing that someday I'd like to learn to play the mandolin. But that was enough for him to search around online for hours, finding a mandolin for me so that I could fulfill my dream!

I am still amazed that I have such a perceptive, sweet husband. He took the time to figure out what I like, spent a lot of time finding what I liked, and then purchased it for me. I ended up with a truly unique birthday present--a gift specifically for me. And that means so much to me.

I guess this is an entry where I get to be sappy and say that I found the perfect person for me. I have been blessed in so many ways since getting married...I can hardly count them. In six days we'll have been married eleven months, and while it's hard to believe so much time has passed, the saying is true that time flies when you're having fun. And we certainly are.

I know I'm not a perfect wife--I know it too well. But I have a husband who loves me anyway and lets me become something better. And I don't take this for granted. I definitely know I've got a good thing.

working for a living

So much stuff to blog about! It’s all starting to pile up. This week has been interesting; a lot has changed.

First, the job search. Right before my birthday I decided to take some action. A coworker had given me an ad for a library job at a small trade college. So I applied. An hour later, the guy called to ask if he could interview me. I was stunned—this had never happened to me before.

In fact, I was a little suspicious at first. When I asked what kind of library position it was and what I’d be doing (the ad didn’t say), the man said, “Oh, you know. The same stuff you do in any library.” Hmmm.

But I agreed to an interview, which I had on Monday. It soon became apparent why the man had no idea what I’d be doing in the library: he is the director of the school and probably doesn’t set foot in the library. Also, the college usually has two librarians on staff, but they have none currently. So the interview was odd, to say the least.

He asked maybe three questions about my qualifications as a librarian (One of them was actually, “You know the Dewey decimal system, right?" The Dewey decimal system is really the least of a librarian’s worries.), gave me a tour of the college, then said, “So, is this a place you want to work for?”

Actually, it is. The library is small. Small enough to have personal contact with each and every patron (the college has 400 students). Small enough that I would be involved in every aspect of librarianship: collections development, circulation, reference, budget, etc. I don’t know for sure whether I would enjoy working at this particular college, but it would definitely be a great thing to put on my resume.

Oh, and to make the position full-time (the library is only part-time), they would have me teach English 101 classes. This prospect is both exciting and scary. A few years ago I was in a teacher certification program to teach English, but I realized I don’t have what it takes to teach English to high schoolers. Do I have what it takes to teach it to college students? I don’t know. But at the same time, the challenge sounds interesting…

THEN, on Wednesday, my boss came to me and said, “I know you’re considering another job, but before you take it, talk to me first, because I’m working on a title change and a raise for you.” Wow. Later in the day she told me that it would be about a 10% raise. That combined with the raise that everyone gets in March (6%, I think) would be a pretty good salary change.

So I haven’t heard back from the library job yet. If I don’t get it, I’m at least getting a good raise at my current job. If I do get offered the other position, then I’ll have to do some thinking. Mostly because the interviewer never once told me what the salary would be. He said that he would discuss salary next time we talk, which is pretty annoying. Will the salary there be enough? The husband and I are trying to recover from a financially difficult year, and I don’t know if we’re at a point where I can take a pay cut.

But anyway, it’s nice to know that I’m valued at my current place of employment, even if it isn’t my ideal job. It’s also nice to know that there are people out there who would jump at the chance to interview me for a library job.

If nothing else, this week has boosted my confidence. My work is valued. I’ll be able to find the right job for me, I know it. And, the craziest thing of all is this: My annual salary after the raise will be more than double what it was when I started here five years ago. Ha!

puppy update

Go see a picture of our new puppy at my husband’s blog. Be sure to comment, too, because he’s sure no one reads his blog anymore.

As for the puppy update, she is definitely growing on us. What’s strange is that she doesn’t really make noise. Just slight whimpering when we leave her alone, but she quits when she realizes we’re not coming back. She is also very stubborn. If she doesn’t want to pee, she won’t, even if she’s been holding it all night long. Unless she’s on our carpet and then peeing is a perfectly suitable idea.

Last night we put a little doggie t-shirt on her that my coworker gave me. So cute. The more time goes by, the less inclined I am to take her back. How can you kick someone out of your house that you dressed in preemie clothes? You can’t, that’s what.

Anyway, I have so many things to blog about, including the incredible gift my husband gave me for my birthday and some potential big changes that are in the works for me. But I’ll save the news for another day when I’ve got time to write the details.

puppy love

Oh my. I am messed up!

First, I guess I should say that we got a puppy last night. But today I’m not feeling so good about it. Where to begin?

I guess I’ll start by saying that once you get married, people begin pressuring you and asking you when you’re going to have kids—this has been my experience, anyway. And now that nearly a year has gone by in our marriage, some people have even wondered whether our marriage is okay. (Marital trouble cited as the reason we aren’t having kids yet.) For the record, our marriage is more than okay. I have the best husband in the world.

However, there are specific reasons why I am not ready for children yet. I know what these reasons are, and my husband knows. That’s all that matters to me. No one else needs to be involved.

But what does this have to do with a puppy? Well, the same reasons I’m not ready for children are causing me to feel not ready for a dog, either. Every time I’m around the puppy, I feel happy and excited. She’s a doll. But when I am not in her presence, I have major second thoughts and feel dreadful.

The reason I am messed up is this: How come I didn’t know I wasn’t quite ready for a dog YESTERDAY before we got the dog? Could have been useful information. Because now I just don’t know what to do. I’m torn. I love this dog. My husband loves this dog. But every time I think about it logically, my senses tell me I shouldn’t keep this dog. Which should be a good enough answer—if I feel so weird about it, I probably am not ready for a dog.

At the same time, though, I often get buyer's remorse. I don't know for sure why, but I do. Sometimes I feel sad about a purchase even though it was the right thing at the right time. It's confusing.

The crappy thing is that we are getting quite emotionally attached to it. I know I’ll really be letting my husband down if I decide to take her back to the rescue. He loves her and doesn’t have any of the same hang-ups I do. However, he is being absolutely awesome about this. He hasn’t gotten upset even once about the fact that I’ve been pushing for a dog for months, and now when it finally happens I change my mind. He just tells me he wants me to be happy.

And I don’t feel deserving of that. It’s making me teary-eyed just thinking about how lucky I am to have a husband like that. I’m very confused. I don’t know what to do about it, but a decision must be made. I’m just glad my husband will support my decision no matter what it is. He’s the best.

medical emergencies

In one month I have seen enough doctor’s offices and emergency medical centers to last me a lifetime. John has been having several unexplained infections. Right after Christmas we spent a full day in an Urgent Care in Las Vegas. John had a sinus infection and swimmer’s ear, which, if you’ve ever had it, you know how painful it is! Right after that we both got sick. I think we caught colds from the runny-nosed kids at the Urgent Care.

The Sunday before last we ended up in Urgent Care again, this time in a nice Scottsdale location. (We were in and out in under an hour – such a change from our Nevada experience.) This time, John was diagnosed with several conditions and given more antibiotics.

Where were we the very next Sunday (i.e., yesterday)? In the emergency room. It was actually quite scary. John woke up and couldn’t breathe or swallow – his throat was closing up. I threw on some clothes and frantically drove him to the emergency room. It turns out that not breathing is a true emergency. We didn’t even have to wait in the waiting room for one second. He was ushered to the back immediately. (I’ve waited with friends in the ER for hours, so it was kind of scary to have it treated as an actual emergency, when so many other people with emergencies wait and wait.)

Well, it turns out John has yet ANOTHER infection, this time in his throat. He was instructed to throw away the antibiotics he was already taking, given a new antibiotic and some steroids to reduce the swelling. And we were sent on our merry way.

He’s doing okay now; the swelling is almost gone. But I am just worried. Why is his immune system doing so poorly? What is really going on? And how many more urgent cares/emergency rooms will we be visiting before we find out?

When I worry about his health it makes John feel guilty. He doesn’t want me to have to worry about him. But I do. Most of the time I am positive that we will be able to figure this thing out and get him healthy again. But there are moments when I fear. And times when I ask, Lord how long?

He’ll be okay. At least we have each other through this trial. And that, along with major praying, is the biggest comfort I have.

random conversation of the day

John: I guess I could get a Trinity t-shirt.
Me: Someday you're going to have too many t-shirts.
John: Yeah. And someday I'm going to be famous. And I'll auction my t-shirts on e-bay like William Shatner's kidney stone.

deep in the heart of texas

To the woman who looked breathtakingly gorgeous with perfect hair and makeup even after a two-hour flight to San Antonion: I hate you.

Here I am in San Antonio, enjoying every minute of my stay. Last night we went to dinner and then walked along the river. Beautiful. Maybe it's because I grew up in Nevada where all the buildings are either new, fake, or shabby (or often a combination of the three), but I truly appreciate the architecture here. The buildings are so rich in history and originality. I could see myself living in a place like this.

And this morning I slept in until just before the continental breakfast went away, took a bath, and read my new Lemony Snicket book. I'm just lounging (which I enjoy immensely) until John finishes his assessment. Tonight we'll hit the town and celebrate my birthday in style.

This is my first trip to Texas, and so far I love it. However, I'm a little confused by the fact that nobody has that exaggerated Texan accent I expected them to have. Do the people who leave the state of Texas feel the need to prove where they're from by drawling big time? Or is that accent just from a different region in Texas?

Well, better go. Off to do more lounging. :)

all work and no play makes jack a dull boy

My birthday was a success. I got many lovely presents from coworkers, friends, and family. And I still have John’s present(s) to look forward to. :)

Two of my good friends came over last night and we ate Oreganos takeout, had too much junk food, and watched The Parent Trap. So fun! Then my friend TK spent the night so I wouldn’t have to be alone on my birthday, which was so nice of her. I needed it, too. I was kind of sad not having John around on my birthday. Being alone would have been a bit too much.

Plus, during the middle of the night I had a dream about that Danny kid from The Shining. I distinctly heard “Redrum! Redrum!” coming from somewhere in the house. It woke me up, and at that moment I was never so glad to have someone else in the house with me.

And this afternoon I’m off to San Antonio to meet up with my sweet husband. I can’t wait. In fact, I’m sitting here at work unable to concentrate. I just want to be with my husband again. I missed him way too much.

happy birthday to me!

Today is my birthday, and it’s been wonderful so far. (Apart from waking up in the morning with no one to cuddle next to. :( Which reminds me—without my husband’s built-in heater I had to wear pajamas, socks, AND warm up a rice bag to take to bed with me.)

Anyway, several items of interest.

1. A coworker gets bonus points after this conversation:

Her: How old are you turning?
Me: 31.
Her: WHAT??!!! I thought you were 22 or 23!

How she could think that, I don’t know. But it sure made my day.

2. Nobody noticed that I dyed my hair yesterday. Which is funny, considering the ordeal that it was. I’m sure TK will be mad at me for what I say, but I’m writing it anyway. My friend TK is kind enough to dye my hair for free. She is not a professional, and in her words, “You get what you pay for.”

I wanted my hair dyed to cover up the few gray hairs I have. It’s my birthday—no gray hairs! However, after we finished dyeing my hair, I looked in the mirror, and the gray hairs were still there on my head! I had no choice but to pull them out one by one.

The other problem is that the dye not only dyes my hair, but also my scalp and part of my face. No amount of scrubbing afterward gets it out. Time alone resolves that problem. Meanwhile, I look like leprosy has erupted on my head.

And then nobody can even tell a change has occurred with the color of my hair. Oh well. What can you do? But it’s my birthday, so I don’t care. I look hot today, and that’s all that matters.

our first night apart

I drove my husband to the airport this morning so he could fly to New York for a fellowship assessment. This is officially the first night since we got married that I (and he) will be sleeping alone. :( It’s going to be so weird. The bed will feel so empty.

The only sad thing is, my birthday is tomorrow, so I won’t get to be with him on my birthday. And I want to have a good birthday.

BUT, the good news is that I'm hanging out with my girlfriends Wednesday night, and then Thursday I fly to San Antonio to meet John (he has an assessment for a second fellowship in San Antonio), and we’ll celebrate my birthday together in Texas. :)

And I’ve already received some awesome presents—My sister got me Parent Trap I & II, and it’s difficult to explain to you how gleeful I was to get this present. Parent Trap II has never even been SOLD before; it was on TV only (which may explain to you the quality of that film…), and I’ve wanted to watch it for a long time, but just didn’t have it. So, yeah…time for a PT I-IV party!!!

My mother-in-law gave me a Victoria’s Secret gift card, which yielded me the best bra ever!

And my grandpa-in-law (is that correct?) gave me money.

And I wasn’t even expecting presents. I love my birthday!!!

i'm finally updating!

Okay, major update since I haven’t posted for so long.

Jury duty. I managed to be dismissed from the jury, probably because I admitted that it is possible I would trust the testimony of a police officer more than I would trust a regular person’s testimony. I knew when I said it that it might get me dismissed, but I said it because I truly think I might. It would be a subconscious thing, but it could happen.

And so, after spending most of that day sitting around in a lobby doing nothing, I was sent on my way, having done my duty to humanity (as a juror, at least. And only for the next year and a half.).

Work. My work situation is terrible. I have been so busy I go home at night and collapse. I’ve worked overtime this week, worked my butt off, and ultimately spend all my energy at a place I have no desire to be at. This is why I haven’t posted in a while, and also why I haven’t been looking for a new job. I just haven’t had the time and energy.

But you know what? Next week, I’m making time. I don’t care anymore that these things HAVE to get done at work. I’m taking a lunch. I’m going home at 5pm. I will not let this job suck me in for another year. I job search. End of story.

Life. I finally admitted to myself that I’m dealing with depression again. I guess I hoped that ignoring it would make it go away. Guess what? Ignoring didn’t help. So now I have to find a way out. Here’s what I’m going to try:

1. I’m changing my diet and exercise. I’m cutting out sugars and adding veggies, fruits, and a multi-vitamin. I’m going to go walking on my lunch hour at least twice a week. I’ll also do an exercise video at home once a week. I’ve started eating healthier this week, and I’m already noticing a difference in how I feel.

2. I’m going to start getting enough sleep. That will be a major help to me.

3. I’m job searching and won’t quit until I am working for a new employer.

4. I’m reading a book about how to make cognitive and behavioral changes. Depressed people have thought processes and behaviors that help keep them depressed, so I’m going to work on changing those things about me.

That’s my initial plan. I don’t want to set TOO many goals, because I tend to do that and then not accomplish much of anything.

The good news: I went to Victoria’s Secret and bought a fabulous bra, fabulous enough to make up for the bra I recently lost.

The bad news: I went up a size since last year, and we’re not talking cup size. :( Another reason why I will be exercising from now on.

In other news: I am taking a Chinese calligraphy class, which I just started today. I can’t tell you how excited I am about it. I’ve tried to get into this class for two years, and I’m finally taking it! I guess you could say it’s been a dream of mine. I’ll let you know how it goes.

And that’s all for now. Have a good weekend!

my civic duty

I think there's only one thing worse than going to work on a Monday morning: going to JURY DUTY on a Monday morning.

But that's where I'll be. :)

p.s. I'm back. I've been sick and didn't really felt like posting, but I'll do better now.

more late night conversations

Background to this conversation: John snores, so I have a sound machine that makes “white noise” to drown out the snoring. John hates the sound machine.

Me: Can I turn on my sound machine?
J: No; I hate it so much.
Me: But how will I sleep if I don’t turn it on?
J: Watch Dr. Phil.
Me: What for?
J: I hear he can help with stuff like that.
Me: Uhhh…(speechless again!)
……………………

Me: Goodnight.
J: But wait. What about the pinewood derby?
Me: (what the…!!!?) Well, what about the pinewood derby?
J: Shouldn’t we be getting ready for it?
Me: No. Goodnight.

story of my life

I have put off writing this entry because of how angry I get just thinking about it. There aren’t words for the disgust and frustration I feel after getting a haircut last weekend. (And just how many times do I have to get a bad haircut, huh? Where is the justice? Where is the reprieve? Why can’t I have nice hair FOR ONCE?!!!)

My hairstylist did an amazing job two months ago, giving me a fabulous haircut. To me it felt edgy, sexy, and fairly natural (natural, that is, after I showered out the “poof” she styled my hair into.) I was so happy and impressed, but I knew that it was most likely a one-time fluke.

So after she cut my hair last weekend, I nearly cried I was so sad. I look mousy, babyish. Dull. I don’t even know how to describe what makes this cut bad; I can’t tell what she did differently. I just know that two months ago I felt sexy, and today I feel bland and not worth a second look. And my self-esteem has taken a dive because of it.

But I don’t understand how the same stylist could do such a bad job when she did so well the first time. And I don’t even know how to explain what I actually want, because I don’t know what the difference is!

So I look in a mirror and feel bad. I feel very, very unattractive. And I would love to kick my hairstylist.

nickel creek p.s.

p.s. I meant to add in my last post: We were so close to the stage that I could see that Sean Watkins has a lisp. The venue was standing room only :( but I truly enjoyed being so close to the musicians.

post-concert thoughts.

I meant to give a report on the Andrew Bird & Nickel Creek concert we went to on Wednesday. It was simply amazing. Andrew Bird was the opening act, and John and I had heard some of his songs, but they are NOTHING compared to his performance live. I was in love with his voice from the time that he opened his mouth. I tried to think of a word that could describe what I loved about it, and all I came up with was pure. Andrew Bird’s voice is clear and pure and doesn’t need any backup. But, if you read my husband’s blog, he described all the interesting instruments he used. Amazingly talented man. Wow. Just wow.

Andrew Bird was so amazing and unusual, however, that (in my opinion) he outperformed Nickel Creek, and their show was just a little bit lacking by comparison. And Nickel Creek was very good, don’t get me wrong. Andrew Bird just blew me away and was such a pleasant surprise. I’d see him live again.

Anyway, I was talking to a friend about how lucky I am to have such a thoughtful, perceptive husband who thinks to do something like that for me, and she told me it’s beyond lucky: that I found a rare, wonderful man. I couldn’t agree more; it’s just a little overwhelming to know that someone that good happened to me.

the disney report, days 3, 4, and 5

Well, to sum it all up:

Rides were ridden. Churros were eaten (but not enough of them. There’s never enough churro eating.) We got sick as dogs and kept on pushing and shoving at Disneyland anyway. We were beyond exhausted and kept getting up at 6am anyway.

John met Mickey.
























We met Pluto.


















And yes, on our last day there, we finally met the pardoned turkey. Our work at Disneyland was done.


















So until next time, we truly overloaded on Disneyland. I’ve had my fill for the next few years, anyway!

dream interpretation

The other day I dreamed I was married to some creep and was in the middle of a messy divorce. John was my divorce lawyer. It turns out that my divorce lawyer and I have an affair.

I told John about my dream.

Me: Interpret this dream for me.
John: Um...we're meant to be together no matter what?

hands down, my husband is the best

What an interesting weekend we had. I pretty much acted like a jerkface to my husband. Or, as I started saying after we watched part of Elf, I’m a cotton-headed ninny muggins. I tried not to act that way, but the more I tried, the worse it got. I had built up some resentment, and instead of talking about it, I acted not very nice. Yeah, not the best thing to do.

Then at church on Sunday, we had a lesson on forgiveness in Sunday school. John and I are in a “couples” Sunday School class, and it’s an 8-week course on how to be a better spouse. I have really enjoyed it. But anyway, the lesson was on forgiveness, and I realized that I desperately needed forgiveness for the way I had been treating my husband. And I realized that resentment was poisoning me and I needed to stop.

So after church we talked…and talked…and talked. I think it went amazingly well. I’m proud of the way were able to talk about difficult and somewhat painful topics without getting defensive or angry. We’ve worked hard to be able to interact this way. Anyway, from this conversation I learned how much I’ve been hurting my husband by my actions. And I learned what a remarkable and wonderful husband I have. When he understood the concern I had, he hugged me. And then he said something like, “I won’t tell you that things will be better; you will see it in my actions.” I know he means it.

And I mean it too. I felt terrible when I learned how I’ve been hurting my husband, and I don’t want to do that anymore.

To top it all off, at the end of the day, my husband presented me with a card. Our nine-month anniversary is today (yeah!), and the card was a sweet Christmas card that contained an early Christmas/anniversary present: tickets to go see Nickel Creek on Wednesday! I was shocked. First, he noticed that I love Nickel Creek, second he noticed that they were going to be in town. Third, he did something about it! Wow. I felt so loved. He’s the best. Truly.

the disney report, day 2

Disneyland, Day 2 (Thursday)

It didn’t feel like Thanksgiving, waking up at 6am and eating a substandard breakfast at the hotel continental breakfast. It’s a free breakfast, so beggars can’t be choosers, but they didn’t even serve name-brand cereal. I was forced to eat “Tasty Flakes” or something.

We made it to Disneyland just before its opening. A few of us had gotten there earlier and held our place in line, but we felt a little awkward when the 5 people in line were joined by about 15 people. Sorry, all you people behind us in line. We’re a big family.

Surprisingly, Grandma and Frank were nowhere to be seen. I pictured them back at their hotel, snuggling in bed together, enjoying their time alone. Kind of cute, if a little weird to picture your grandma as a newlywed. In reality, though, I think what really happened is that Frank was tired and Grandma couldn’t get him out of bed.

So our first ride was Splash Mountain, and some of us, including me and John, got SOAKED! Two rides later we were on Pirates of the Caribean and got soaked again! Seriously, my underwear felt squishy. I sat down and left a butt print behind when I got up. The wetness was unpleasant, but we pressed onward. By the end of the day, we had ridden just about all the major rides.

We did sneak a nap in during the middle of the day, though. The plan was to nap during the day so we could stay at Disneyland until midnight. But after the nap we felt more disoriented than rested.

Then we were right back at it—pushing and shoving our way through the park. Thanksgiving day was just plain crowded. I don’t mind a small crowd, but Disneyland can be ridiculous. Especially when we got caught at the end of a parade, walking 50 steps an hour, or when John and I were caught between a Mickey siting and a million screaming kids; well…me no likey.

We also managed to eat a Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant near Disneyland. Let’s just say it was pretty good for having been cooked in a restaurant made to serve hundreds of old people some really cheap food. In other words, imagine eating Thanksgiving dinner at Denny’s, and you’ve got a picture of our dinner. But it was fun to be all together, and the food wasn’t horrible.

I don’t think we quite made it until midnight that night, but we were close. I do know we rode Big Thunder Mountain three times in a row, all within the space of about 10 minutes. We love screaming on that ride. For some reason (Howdy partners. This here is the wildest ride in the WILDERNESS!), it’s a family favorite.

So we went to bed tired, knowing we’d be up at 6am again the next morning. To be continued…

Picture of the day. Here’s John and I in line for the Matterhorn. Can you tell we are still wet?

the disney report, day 1

I’m finally getting around to our vacation play-by-play. Disneyland during Thanksgiving is not recommended. It’s crowded. It’s germ filled. (Which is why I took so long to post—I’ve been sick!) But we did it, and we survived. This is the report:

Disneyland, Day 1 (Wednesday)

Our hotel is seriously 30 feet from the gate to Disneyland. It may smell weird and have a crappy continental breakfast, but it’s all about location.

My dad took my neice Sareny to Downtown Disney, and immediately bought her a sweatshirt. We didn’t see that one coming…The rest of us joined them a little later, but I wasn’t so impressed. It’s just a dubiously Disney themed outdoor mall that’s overpriced simply because it’s right by Disneyland. I don’t think so.

We met my grandma’s husband Frank for the first time. She got married in a whirlwind romance (can that really happen in your 70s?) – they started dating in August; got married in October. Frank is nice enough, but I think everyone – including my grandma! – is comparing him to my grandpa who died about three years ago. Competing with a memory is difficult, I’m sure. My sister Cassidy actually started crying (not in front of him, of course). She cannot really come to terms with my grandma loving any man other than my grandpa.

We exchanged Disneyland “surprises” that first day. Every time we go to Disneyland, we make each other some kind of surprise related to Disneyland. Sometimes we get a little elaborate, but it’s fun! Cassidy & her fiancé James created a cute Mickey maze, and made Mickey cookies. My dad made lists of all the ‘hidden mickeys’ in Disneyland (A hidden mickey, for those of you who are wondering, is, in a nutshell: Within the Disneyland park are strategically arranged items, like dinner plates on a table, that resemble Mickey's head. They're usually semi-hidden, and fun to find.), and offered prizes to those who found the most hidden mickeys. Hillari & Alexis made a fun word game. Jake & Liz gave us the Indiana Jones decoder pins. John and I created a photo book that contained several pictures taken at Disneyland. The first picture is a close-up and they had to guess where in Disneyland the picture was taken before they turn the page and see. For example, do you know where this picture was taken?:

.

.

.

.

.

.

Here's the answer:

We ended the evening at a restaurant down the street to celebrate my sister Cassidy’s 21st birthday. John secretly got the waiter to bring out desert and sing Happy Birthday. Good times. Good food.

Oh yes, and let's not forget that we argued back and forth over which ride would be first the next morning. We finally agreed on Splash Mountain, and then went to bed knowing we'd be getting up at 6am the next morning!

To be continued…

Happy Thanksgiving!!

We're off to the happiest place on earth to spend Thanksgiving with 50,000 of our closest friends. My husband sent me this link this morning. It's nice to know that we'll also get to see the pardoned turkey during our stay at Disneyland!

And just because I can, and because I just pulled out these wedding pictures, I leave you with a photo from my second reception, held in an art gallery in Scottsdale. (Photo taken by TK.) In the picture we are in a small gathering of friends and family, exchanging rings for the benefit of those who were not able to be with us in the temple on our wedding day. It was a surprisingly touching moment, because we both got to share our feelings about each other. The gouged wall behind us is actually a piece of art hanging on the wall.

hot kisses

I went to the chiropractor yesterday, and it reminded me of something that happened last time I went…

I’ve been seeing the chiropractor for pain in my forearm, and as a treatment, she massages this icy hot type of gel onto my arm. That night, while sitting on the couch, J randomly started kissing my arm. Keep in mind this is not typical behavior. It’s not like he kisses my arm on a regular basis, but for some reason, he did that day. In fact, he kissed it several times.

Then, a minute later he turned to me with lips puckered and said, “Why are my lips numb?” I laughed and laughed when I realized he had been kissing on my icy hot. Hee hee.

new york doll

Before I post anything else, I have to say this:

I just saw the most amazing movie this weekend. It's called New York Doll, and it blew me away.

The film is a documentary that centers around Arthur "Killer" Kane, a founding member of the influential band the New York Dolls, but this is not a movie about a glam-rock band. The band broke up a few short years after its inception, and Kane struggled to find his niche in life, eventually joining the LDS church, but this is not a film about religion. This is a film about the beauty and humanity of one man.

If you have the chance, see this film! I guarantee you will not be disappointed. Right now it's only available in the NYC, LA, SLC, and Phoenix areas, though it is expanding to other areas soon. If you live in AZ, it's showing at Harkins Centerpoint in Tempe. Go see this movie. And then tell me what you think.

this is halloween everybody make a scene

We did indeed have a murder mytery party with my family. It was scandalous, but luckily nobody had an affair with either of my parents (though my sister did supposedly kiss my fiance). I had never done one of those before, and I found that it was much more fun than I thought it would be. Here we are as Tara Misou and her fiance Rocco Scarfazzi:

We are a handsome Italian couple, no? In any case, good times were had by all. And, at the end of the evening, my niece accomplished something I haven't been able to do even once in my life:

Amazing! I was fully impressed.

I have a ghost story just in time for Halloween, but I'm going to save it for next post. :) Until then, goodnight.

tgif

I finally did it—I saw the counselor. And I haven’t felt this good in a long time. I was able to talk through a lot of things, and she was very optimistic about the eventual outcome of this whole counseling thing. Because of that, I feel so much better about the issues and problems I’ve been worried about. It was as if the words I spoke lifted a weight right off my chest. I’m so glad I finally called.

And in other news, my parents and sister are coming into town this weekend. We’re going to see my niece dressed up at her ‘Trunk-or-treat’ (costume still TBD), attend Sparky’s FestDevil, and perhaps have our own murder mystery party…should be an interesting weekend.

I’m so glad it’s Friday! Someone walked into our office just now with plates of sandwiches and fruit—always a welcome sight, but quite the party on a Friday afternoon. Our office is frequently the recipient of leftover food from catered meetings. Yum. What a way to end the week.

Have a good weekend!

we eat ham and jam and spam a lot!

That's it. Enough with the spam already. I am now turning on the comment feature that makes it so if you're going to comment on my site, you have to type in the word you see. This should prevent any more spam from happening. Some of the spam seemed harmless, but a pornography one pushed me over the edge. (I delete the spam comments, so that's why I'm ranting away about spam and you don't see what I'm talking about anywhere on my site.)

Anyway, sorry for the inconvenience--to all you real people, please keep commenting! I appreciate all of your comments.

love,
HJ

when you're young you get sad

Geraldine is the made up name for a rabbit that I almost had. A couple of days ago I got an email from a lady who couldn’t keep her rabbit any longer and was giving it away to a good home. (Through freecycle. You should check it out if you’ve never heard of it—it’s like recycling; you give other people the stuff you don’t want anymore.)

The rabbit was litter box trained, friendly, sweet. I e-mailed the lady but I was too late. She had given it to someone else, but by then we had already named the rabbit, for crying out loud. She was mine, and then suddenly she wasn’t.

I don’t think you can understand how sad I was when I didn’t get this rabbit. Probably it’s for the best, but I’ve been confused and sad lately, and I thought maybe Geraldine would help me feel better. I’m sad. But it’s not really because I didn’t get Geraldine. I’m just a little lost right now.

NaNoWriMo blues

In the year 2002, I participated in NaNoWriMo. If you haven’t heard of it, that stands for National Novel Writing Month. November is the month, and in 2002, I wrote a whole novel during the month of November. It is an accomplishment I am quite proud of, because it definitely wasn’t easy.

I didn’t participate during 2003 or 2004 because of grad school—I would have gone crazy. I was so looking forward to NaNoWriMo 2005 so I could write my second novel. But November 1 is fast approaching, and I find that my heart just isn’t in it. I want to do it—the thrill of writing a novel in a month (along with 20,000 other people!) and knowing that you accomplished something that difficult and big, well, there’s nothing like that feeling.

So what’s keeping me from signing up? Why am I not dreaming up plots, developing characters, and listening in on other people’s conversations for inspiration? (Haha. Listening in on conversations is fun to do, and often quite inspirational!) It’s plain my heart isn’t in it, and I can’t write 50,000 words in one month without a whole lot of conviction and heart. I almost quit halfway through the month (when I had written 25,000 words already!) the first time I participated, so I KNOW that NaNoWriMo is not for the faint of heart.

If something changes by November 1, then I’ll go at it full force! I guess I just don’t know why I’m so lethargic about it…Anyone out there thinking of participating this year? Anyone willing to try and help psych me up for this?

Oh, p.s. This shirt makes nanowrimo awfully tempting...

So NOW who's with me? For those about to write, we salute you.

hey, it's all one big crapshoot anywho

My plan to look good isn’t going quite as well as I had hoped.

The good news is that I have consistently worn my step counter, and have increased my daily average by 500 steps each week. So that means this week I’m up to 6,500 steps per day. (When I first started, my average was 4,000 steps a day.) That probably doesn’t sound like much to many of you, but it involves me taking a 20-minute walk every day at lunch. I’ve also started doing a weight workout once a week—the goal is at least twice a week, but we’re talking baby steps here. I’m pretty proud of my efforts in this realm.

The eating has not gone as well. I somehow manage to sabotage myself at every turn. I eat yogurt and a granola bar for breakfast, fruits and veggies for snacks, a healthy lunch, and then I pig out in the evening on greasy Mexican food takeout and top it off with ice cream. I get nowhere doing that. Probably because of this, my stomach looks as big as before (or bigger). I get discouraged.

You know what else is discouraging? The instructors of my health and wellness class. The nutrition expert is chubby. The exercise expert is built like a linebacker, and not all of that is muscle. Are they not following their own advice? Because at the end of this course, I want to look and feel a little better than I did when I started. I’m discouraged, but I’m not giving up.

Tonight, one of my best friends will be dyeing my hair. Saturday I’m getting it cut. And someday very soon, I’m hopefully going to be wearing these . Or these.


And very soon I’m going to call a counselor for my emotional health. I’ve been trying to make the call for a couple of weeks now, but I’m scared. I know I need it, it’s just hard for me to pick up the phone and do it. But it’s time. I want to make myself and my marriage into something better, and I know this is the way to do it. I’m just scared of revealing my thoughts and feelings to someone—I have a problem being vulnerable. (Hence, why I need to get counseling in the first place.)

It sounds funny—a person (me) who puts a blog up for anyone to stumble upon is scared to reveal her true thoughts and feelings. But it’s different on a blog. I edit my thoughts here. I don’t generally blog about the bad stuff, or the problems I have, or the emotional mess I am sometimes. Can you see why this would be a problem in a marriage? My fear of revealing my true self sometimes prevents me from being a full, true partner to my husband, and that is not acceptable to me. I think a counselor can help me with that. There are more issues to deal with, but that is a big one. (Wow...I wasn’t even sure where to start with counseling, but writing it out has pointed out one of my main problems!)

Anywho, I’m still alive. I’m working on my goals, and I’m trying to become a better person (both inside and out). I’m just getting exhausted by the effort.

speaking of manicures

I purchased a nail buffer at the store yesterday. The buffer has two sides - one buffs, the other shines. I tried it on myself and was amazed at how nice my nails looked. I demonstrated it to JJ by trying it out on one of his fingers. He was fascinated. Next thing I know, I'm buffing and shining all his fingernails at his request. ;)

you're so vain, you probably think this post is about you

I have a goal to look good. Actually, the goal is to look damn good. Is that shallow? JJ tells me it’s not a shallow goal, but I feel a bit vain verbalizing it. However, feeling vain is not enough to stop me. I’m very focused on this.

As I said before, I’m taking a class on health and nutrition, and I’ve made changes in my lifestyle. I walk A LOT more than I ever did. On my lunch hours I take walks instead of sit at my desk. I’ve started working out with weights a couple times a week. I’ve also stopped eating candy and junk during the day and have exchanged them for fruit and vegetable snacks.

I’m doing these things because I want to look good, not necessarily because I want to be healthy. Everyone always says “I’m doing it to be healthy”, not “I want to look hot.” But hey, I’m not afraid to admit it.

I found a cool hairstyle that I want, and I’m going to dye my hair darker brown and put red highlights in it. I’m getting new glasses (The ones I wear are at least two years old. And I am unable to wear contacts for the time being). I’m going to get up early enough to do my hair every day rather than put it in a ponytail like I usually do.

I even plan to get a new wardrobe, though that part will be tricky—I don’t exactly have any money in my budget for that…We’ll see. Get this, I even bought some manicure equipment and am going to do my nails and toenails on a regular basis.

I’m serious about this. I’m tired of feeling unattractive. I want to feel sexy. Could this have something to do with the fact that my birthday is approaching faster than ever? Probably. Let’s face it, I’m turning 31 in three months. 30 was okay, because it just rounds out the 20s. But 31, that means I’m IN my 30s. Yikes! I don’t want to look like a middle-aged housewife or something. Not that there’s danger of that right now…I’m just majorly into prevention in this instance.

It doesn’t help that JJ is turning 25 this year. He loves to remind me that I’m practically his grandma. :) Okay, he’s not that bad. But still. Here’s what I want. When people see us, I want them to think I’m younger than he is. So far, people think of us as the youngster married couple. What they don’t know won’t hurt them! I just want to keep it that way.

So anyway, I’ll keep you posted on the looking good goal. I’ll even post pictures of my hair when I get it done. Thanks for listening, and don't think I'm too vain!

you think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys?

Okay, my last entry was quite a rant, wasn’t it? What I failed to mention is that there are some days when I accomplish very little at work. I can’t focus, and I don’t get much done. I get grouchy and less pleasant on those days, and Tuesday was one of them. I also didn’t mention that my supervisor is one of the nicest human beings out there. She really doesn’t know that her actions are hurtful.

Not that I don’t plan to leave soon. It’s time for me to become a librarian, and I know it. The good thing is that JJ and I sat down together this past weekend and discussed our dreams and goals. We each wrote out the things we are working toward, and it seems so much more real now that the goals are in black and white. So things at work are bearable because I have a game plan.

I’ll probably be writing in here about some of those goals. In fact, if I weren’t so busy/lazy all the time, I’d be writing in here a lot! Nearly every day something happens to me and I wonder, “Should I blog about that?” I practically have an incident all typed out in my head while it’s simultaneously happening to me.

Speaking of “Should I blog about that?”, something funny happened to me yesterday at the public library. When I told the story to JJ, he laughed like crazy and voted no on me blogging about it. Here’s a hint: it involves bathrooms and me not being able to hold it…but, I guess I’ll have a little propriety and not post it. Even though it’s funny!

bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll be sun

Annie was right…tomorrow did bring sunshine back to my life. Amazing.

I watched an old movie last night – Cover Girl – a cheesy 1940s musical, but it only cheered me up a bit. I also decided to work out with weights, which made me feel better also. But I was still feeling pretty down, so I brought out my guitar and played all the sad songs I know how to play. That helped a lot. I’ve gotta remember to play more—my spirit was considerably lifted by singing and playing.

But the thing that helped most is that J talked with me for a long time. I think we both needed to talk, actually. And now I’m feeling 100% better. J is so good, and I feel very blessed to have him. And I have some direction for what I can work on to be a better wife. So…I’m back to feeling good, just like I knew I would.

*******************

I forgot to post that the other night J talked in his sleep again! It’s so fascinating to me. This time I didn’t say a word to him. He talked extensively in Albanian for about 5 minutes, and then switched over to Italian for the next 10 minutes. I don’t know what he was saying, but it was strange to listen to, because it sounded like a robot or something, just talking and talking. I think I heard the words heart attack, meat, and then a big list of vegetables and foods. Other than that, it was all greek to me.

*******************

The other day J said to me, “So what kind of dog do you want?” Is he softening? :)

*******************

Okay, last thing -- I realized in my car this morning on the way to work that I forgot to put deodorant on. Isn't that the worst feeling? (Or am I the only one who has forgotten such a vital thing?!)

the sun'll come out, tomorrow

I’m sad today. I just need to put my feelings out there; I’m sure I’ll get over them shortly. Right now my thoughts and feelings are a jumble.

I had a nightmare last night. I woke up sad and didn’t know why. Then I remembered the contents of the nightmare. It was a sad dream and I couldn’t shake the feelings, even knowing it was just a dream.

I hate my job. The $9,000 raise I got in June increased my job satisfaction for a while, but now I’m back to empty again. My job is fairly thankless, the mistakes I make are pointed out abundantly, I’m constantly behind in my work, and I’ve had just about enough of it. At least I can say that I am learning new things and that I enjoy some of what I do. That’s probably the saving grace of the whole thing. I can last 7-8 more months, and then I want to be out of here. (Don’t tell anyone I work with, though.)

I’m lonely. I feel like I’m drifting along with no purpose and no reason to keep going. Today I just want to give up. I won’t, and I’m sure I’ll feel better soon, but today that’s how I feel. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe I should see a counselor like I keep telling myself I will...

Sigh. I guess it's hot chocolate and old movies for me tonight. Maybe that'll help. Maybe not.

jail bird

I recently found out that an ex-boyfriend is now in jail. I laughed pretty hard when I heard, and then felt guilty about laughing at someone else’s misfortune. Most likely my laughter was really covering my horrible embarrassment at ever having dating him. What was I thinking? And how did my friends stand by and let me make such crazy decisions? Perhaps they had faith I would eventually come to my senses?

Which I did. I’m so glad I waited to get married to the right person for me. I’m so glad I married JJ, the man of my dreams who sweeps me off my feet every single day. :)

p.s.

Read my husband's latest entry. Isn't he sweet? I feel like my honor has been defended. :)

a rose by any other name

Chemist for now asked me a question in the comments for my previous post:

"hello. I'm just wondering about how you identify yourself. Do you define yourself as a wife just because it's a new part of who you are or do you truly feel that this is your new identity and you've left the rest behind? Sorry if this seems too intense or personal, but I'm just wondering from a feminist perspective. Good luck with the depressing days, I know how those go."


Interesting question and not too personal. Calling my blog “mrs ronk” definitely calls attention to my status as a wife. I think my reasons for identifying myself that way were really a combination of things.

For one, I was sick of my old blog site, and wanted a new one with a new name. This blog was created pretty much on a whim. My husband already had a site at blogger, which is what inspired me to switch over to blogger. His diary is “big ronk”. We had just gotten married when I started this blog, and it occurred to me to do a kind of twist on his blog. That part of it seemed natural—I didn’t have to agonize for days over the name and end up choosing some blog name I might later regret. (My former blog name—cryondemand—was based on my favorite musician and my emotional state at the time. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

I liked the name, and identifying myself as ‘mrs ronk’ doesn’t make me feel that I left my old identity behind at all. I’m still me. However, for me, getting married has changed my identity somewhat. My role as wife is very important to me and I’m not afraid to admit that. I’m not trying to hide my new identity as ‘wife’ nor let it obscure the other parts of me.

I do consider myself a feminist in some ways. Just ask my husband who has to deal with my diatribes sometimes! The funny thing is, in many cases I prefer the title ‘Ms.’, and my last name isn’t actually Ronk. So…what’s in a name?

I hope that clears it up. Thanks for asking.

what's your 20?

Vent of the day: Work is overwhelming me! I’m going crazy with all there is to do. I am in the middle of about 5 projects, and NONE of them are wrapping themselves up. Meanwhile, all my other regular work is piling up. Sigh. I don’t get paid enough for this.

Low of the day: I walked around on ASU campus today. I usually spend my day hovering over a computer screen and don’t venture onto the campus much. But today I did. Ironically, I did so to attend a class about general health—exercise, eating right, etc. They gave us a pedometer and then pumped us up for being healthy. Then I walked back to my office building, noticing all the beautiful young girls who are skinny, blond, and have perfect hair and makeup. It was completely depressing and cancelled all the benefits of the class I just took. Do you have to be under 21 and born with the right genes in order to be what’s hot right now? Sigh. Why I should care, I’m not sure. But I do. I want to be someone that people think ‘wow’ when they look at me. Today I just feel old and slightly unattractive. I’m sure I’ll get over it, and there are certainly more important things to think about…

High of the day: Something clicked for me today. It’s a very personal thing, and I’m not sure I could explain it even if I wanted to. So I’ll just say that I prayed for something this morning, something very specific. I prayed to understand a concept I’ve been wondering about and working on. Later on today I read something on lds.org -- a small paragraph that hit me like lightning. Suddenly I understood the concept like I never had before. Not only that, but I realized that my prayer had been answered. It might sound like a small thing, but it's a concept I felt was vitally important for me to understand right now. And now I do.

room service!

Okay, this JJ dream was too funny not to post.

We were both in bed last night and it was really late, 11:30-ish (okay, late for me!). Suddenly, John is talking.

J: It’s all paid for.
H: What’s all paid for?
J: The resort.
H: Are we going to a resort? (I’m suddenly wishing that it’s true and he has booked a resort for us, even though logically I know he has not.)
J: We’re already there.
H: Oh. How nice.
Pause…I am about to drift to sleep again.
J: I need some little pillows. Call the front desk and have them send some.
H: I’ll call tomorrow. It’s late.
J: No, call now. They’re open 24 hours.
H: Uhh….

In other news, I had a sort of down weekend. I’ve just been worried about a few things, and by Sunday I was feeling pretty depressed. I was at church by myself (my husband had class all day) and all I wanted to do was run home and go back to bed. I didn’t though. I stayed, and I’m so glad I did. Several people shared personal stories, and it made me realize that everyone has trials and God is there to get me through mine. I’m going to be okay.

transcripts from JJ's dream

My husband sometimes slips into a dream state at night where he is almost certainly asleep but fully able to carry on conversations. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever witnessed. It happened again a couple of nights ago, and for your viewing pleasure, I wrote out nearly word for word our converstations.

Behold the subconscious interior of my husband's random brain. (He's J and I'm H):

J: He shouldn’t sleep until September.
H: Who shouldn’t?
J: The guy in the green shirt.
H: Why?
J: Because, then he could be in the Guinness Book of World Records.
H: Who is this guy?
J: Just some guy.
H: He’s wearing a green shirt?
J: Yeah. In the picture. But he probably has other shirts.
H: Yeah. But maybe he just has one shirt.
J: That would be sad.
H: Would you give him some of your shirts?
J: Uh…yeah. But I don’t have his address.
…………………..
J: Swipes frantically at his ear.
H: What’s wrong?
J: There was a frog in my ear.
H: No there wasn’t.
J: Yes there was.
H: Well, where did it go?
J: It hopped off.
H: Are you going to catch it?
J: Right now?
H: Yeah, if you want to.
J: No. It’ll be there in the morning.
Suddenly there is a loud knocking…sounds like it’s coming from the neighbor below us, but it’s hard to tell, and in light of J being so out of it, I am a little scared.
H: What was that?
J: The frog.
H: No, it wasn’t.
J: Yes it was.
H: Can we keep the frog as a pet?
J: Yeah. If it’s not poisonous. Do you have hard feet?
H: Yeah. Why?
J: If you touch a poisonous frog your skin will get soft.
H: Really?
J: Yeah. I stepped on a poisonous frog once and that’s what happened to my feet.
H: Uh…But seriously, what was that noise earlier?
J: I thought it was the frog.
……………………….
J: While shuddering: Ow. I wish they’d give me some room.
H: Who?
J: These people. There’s tons of room and they’re crowding me.
H: Where are you?
J: On campus.
J: Shudders again. Ow. Stupid bicycle. I hate bicycles.
J: Shudders again: Ow!
H: What happened?
J: I tripped on a crack in the sidewalk.
H: (At this point I figured I better get him away from this painful dream.) J, it’s okay. You’re not on campus, you’re in bed with me.
J: No I’m not.
H: Yes you are. Don’t you feel me touching you?
J: Yeah; you’re on campus with me.
H: No, we’re in bed. Let’s go to sleep now.
J: But first we need to go to the job fair at the MU. Is it 3 yet?
H: No. It’s nighttime. We should go to bed and you can go to the job fair tomorrow.
J: But what if the job is taken?
H: It won’t be.
………………….
J: For credit card, please press one.
H: What?
J: It’s a gas pump. Gas is expensive.
…………………

Somehow I finally got JJ to go to sleep. (Well, I think he was sleeping already, but I got him to settle down and stop talking!) I’ve heard of sleepwalking, but sleep talking is new to me. It’s a very strange phenomenon. It can be pretty entertaining…the stuff that randomly comes out of his head.

camped out

Hooray for showers and running water and beds that are not filled with air! We spent a four-day weekend at the Grand Canyon this Labor Day, and it was nice. I'm not big into camping, and I feel certain that J isn't either, even though he continues to insist that he loves it...

I did enjoy seeing deer, skunk, turkey, and other wildlife. I enjoyed the beautiful sunsets that swept across the canyon, making the already beautiful rock formations turn even more brilliant colors. I like taking hikes and enjoying the peacefulness of nature. I also enjoyed sitting around the campfire (in my brand new camping rocking chair bought for me by my dear husband) and reading a book.

Here's what I don't love about camping: Not showering for three days. Loading up a bunch of crap that you have to set up once you get there so that you have a makeshift house. Only it's not a house, it's a nylon tent with an air mattress inside, and dirt gets everywhere and you can't stand up straight in your little 'house'. It almost always involves freezing at night. You also pack up a bunch of food and cooking paraphernalia and utensils. Then you get to make the meals on this little stove all the while ignoring the dirt everywhere. And THEN, three days later, you have to take it all apart and pack it all up again. Then it's home again, where you get to unload it all.

Somehow that's just not my idea of fun. It sounds like something for a masochist. Give me a hotel and breakfast in bed; that's what I'm all about!

Camping rant aside, I did have fun. Here's the proof:

This is me and J at a scenic part of the Grand Canyon. If we look a little dirty and gross and smelly, that's because we are! I'm holding our adorable niece who loved camping and loved US even more--we are her favorite aunt and uncle, hands down. :)

--hj