A week goes by and it seems like my life changes completely. Here’s a random sampling of what’s been going on:

**It’s my husband’s 25th birthday!!! Go here to wish him a happy birthday.

**Remember the library job? Well, I got offered the position. The salary offered was pretty much what I’m making now (except without my new raise), and he wouldn’t budge on that. Still, I was all set to take the position but found out other things that made the offer much less acceptable.

1. I wouldn’t get benefits for three months. We are not currently in a position to be able to go without benefits. Remember the emergency room? Yeah, I wouldn’t want to pay for that out of pocket.

2. I would be paying $150 more per month on insurance premiums. So my salary dropped even further.

3. I would only get 10 vacation days per year (I get 22 where I’m at now), and they wouldn’t start accruing for three months. Also, I would get no sick days—instead, I’d have to use vacation days if I got sick. (At ASU I get 12 sick days per year).

4. The guy who made the offer was just sketchy on too many things. I realized I would have no idea what I was getting into, and by the time I found out, it would be too late to do anything about it.

For these reasons and others, I declined the offer. I was a little sad, because I truly want to work in a library, but I don’t regret my decision. So I guess that means I made the right choice. It’s back to the job search for me.

**Some hard things are going on with my family right now. I guess you could say my dad got ‘fired’ from the best part of his job. He still has his job, but without the cool part. And the person who did the ‘firing’ is my mom’s direct boss. It hurts a lot to hear that my dad was sobbing after he got the news. The hardest thing is that there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s hard for me to see the people I love in pain. I’ve been praying a lot for them.

**I went to the doctor, and it seems like she really knows what she’s doing. They drew blood to check out my thyroid. We’ll see how things go with that.

**Something unbelievable—my coworker/supervisor apologized for her behavior on Friday. I wasn’t expecting that at all, but it was great of her to do it. Things are much less tense around here. Crazy.

stuff

1. I feel very bad about the following:

My coworker/supervisor (When I was hired, she was my direct supervisor. Now we're pretty much coworkers even though she still treats me as though she's my supervisor. When I get my raise and title change, I will consider her a coworker and act that way.) said something to me and a coworker that made us feel like we're being babysat.

Later, I was about to make the comment to her, "I wonder if I should tell coworker/supervisor that her comments make me feel like a peon." I didn't get the words out of my mouth because coworker/supervisor walked into the room. I snapped my mouth shut and felt like a jerk.

Especially when coworker/supervisor said, "Why do you guys always get quiet when I walk into a room?" (I don't know what she's referring to when she says 'always'.) "I'm not dumb. I know you do it." I had no comment. I just felt so stupid and ashamed, because though I don't always do it, in this instance she was dead on. I was talking about her. And I shouldn't have been.

My relationship with this woman was already strained. Now she thinks I'm sitting around talking about her all the time. Sigh. When the title change comes, I will just interact with her much less. Or when I get a new job. Whichever comes first.

2. I finally called a doctor today. Last night I was coughing and scratching my face so hard that I woke up out of a dead sleep. I thought I was having an allergic reaction of some kind. Maybe I was, and it was the last straw. I'm tired of sneezing all day long. I'm tired of itchy eyes, throat, nose, mouth, lips. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of depression. Sick and d*** tired of all these things. So I made the call. Of course, I probably won't get in to see a doctor for a few weeks, but at least I made the first move.

I still need to call my counselor and get an appointment, but I guess I'll focus on one thing at a time.

3. I like to make lists.

4. It is currently 3pm. I get to go home in two hours! tick tick tick tick....

blue is blue and so am i

I am at work about to have a breakdown. I can’t say it’s just one thing causing this. It’s more of a combination; a stress cocktail, if you will. I’m just to the point where I can’t take it anymore.

I can’t take one more night of doing nothing more than watching TV or movies when I get home from work. But the problem is that I have no energy or desire to do anything else. I do feel guilty about doing nothing else, though. Oh yes! A better person would keep in touch with their friends, keep their house clean, spend quality time with their spouse, do volunteer work somewhere – so say my thoughts. I don’t measure up to these standards at all. I don’t even try to.

Yes, depression is seriously hindering my ability to accomplish anything or feel good about anything. I feel like I’m wearing cement shoes. Any simple task feels like I’m being asked to climb a mountain. I’m tired of feeling empty. I’m tired of feeling tired. I’m tired of feeling that my life is worthless.

I need help but I don’t know where to start. My counselor is good, but I’ve tapered off my visits. My doctor dispenses prescriptions like they’re candy, so I don’t want to get a prescription from her – she’d give one to a drug addict. I want real help and advice, not just her signature on a piece of paper. Not that I’m opposed to medication; I just want to make sure it’s is warranted before I go that route. Which means getting a new doctor, which means waiting weeks to get in to see her, which means that in the meantime, I suffer.

I guess I just needed to write this out so I don’t have an actual breakdown at work. I hope I can find a solution here so that I don’t feel this way anymore. Thanks for “listening.” Writing it out really does help.

"And if you carry me tonight
I would be strong enough to fight
And when you're weak and can't go on
I'd be the bed you lay upon"

i'm so lucky

Okay. I have to mention the amazing gift my husband gave me for my birthday. He has gone above and beyond what I ever expected for my birthday. I was simply amazed when I opened it.

A while before he gave the gift to me, he told me I was really going to like it. Then I found out he was keeping it at his mom's house, which made it seem like a large item. A piece of furntiure? I wondered, but couldn't figure it out.

Finally, on the day we got back from San Antonio, he gave me this:



Yes, my husband gave me a mandolin for my birthday!!! I could not have been more surprised or excited about a gift. John knows me so well! The interesting thing is, I had only mentioned in passing that someday I'd like to learn to play the mandolin. But that was enough for him to search around online for hours, finding a mandolin for me so that I could fulfill my dream!

I am still amazed that I have such a perceptive, sweet husband. He took the time to figure out what I like, spent a lot of time finding what I liked, and then purchased it for me. I ended up with a truly unique birthday present--a gift specifically for me. And that means so much to me.

I guess this is an entry where I get to be sappy and say that I found the perfect person for me. I have been blessed in so many ways since getting married...I can hardly count them. In six days we'll have been married eleven months, and while it's hard to believe so much time has passed, the saying is true that time flies when you're having fun. And we certainly are.

I know I'm not a perfect wife--I know it too well. But I have a husband who loves me anyway and lets me become something better. And I don't take this for granted. I definitely know I've got a good thing.

working for a living

So much stuff to blog about! It’s all starting to pile up. This week has been interesting; a lot has changed.

First, the job search. Right before my birthday I decided to take some action. A coworker had given me an ad for a library job at a small trade college. So I applied. An hour later, the guy called to ask if he could interview me. I was stunned—this had never happened to me before.

In fact, I was a little suspicious at first. When I asked what kind of library position it was and what I’d be doing (the ad didn’t say), the man said, “Oh, you know. The same stuff you do in any library.” Hmmm.

But I agreed to an interview, which I had on Monday. It soon became apparent why the man had no idea what I’d be doing in the library: he is the director of the school and probably doesn’t set foot in the library. Also, the college usually has two librarians on staff, but they have none currently. So the interview was odd, to say the least.

He asked maybe three questions about my qualifications as a librarian (One of them was actually, “You know the Dewey decimal system, right?" The Dewey decimal system is really the least of a librarian’s worries.), gave me a tour of the college, then said, “So, is this a place you want to work for?”

Actually, it is. The library is small. Small enough to have personal contact with each and every patron (the college has 400 students). Small enough that I would be involved in every aspect of librarianship: collections development, circulation, reference, budget, etc. I don’t know for sure whether I would enjoy working at this particular college, but it would definitely be a great thing to put on my resume.

Oh, and to make the position full-time (the library is only part-time), they would have me teach English 101 classes. This prospect is both exciting and scary. A few years ago I was in a teacher certification program to teach English, but I realized I don’t have what it takes to teach English to high schoolers. Do I have what it takes to teach it to college students? I don’t know. But at the same time, the challenge sounds interesting…

THEN, on Wednesday, my boss came to me and said, “I know you’re considering another job, but before you take it, talk to me first, because I’m working on a title change and a raise for you.” Wow. Later in the day she told me that it would be about a 10% raise. That combined with the raise that everyone gets in March (6%, I think) would be a pretty good salary change.

So I haven’t heard back from the library job yet. If I don’t get it, I’m at least getting a good raise at my current job. If I do get offered the other position, then I’ll have to do some thinking. Mostly because the interviewer never once told me what the salary would be. He said that he would discuss salary next time we talk, which is pretty annoying. Will the salary there be enough? The husband and I are trying to recover from a financially difficult year, and I don’t know if we’re at a point where I can take a pay cut.

But anyway, it’s nice to know that I’m valued at my current place of employment, even if it isn’t my ideal job. It’s also nice to know that there are people out there who would jump at the chance to interview me for a library job.

If nothing else, this week has boosted my confidence. My work is valued. I’ll be able to find the right job for me, I know it. And, the craziest thing of all is this: My annual salary after the raise will be more than double what it was when I started here five years ago. Ha!

puppy update

Go see a picture of our new puppy at my husband’s blog. Be sure to comment, too, because he’s sure no one reads his blog anymore.

As for the puppy update, she is definitely growing on us. What’s strange is that she doesn’t really make noise. Just slight whimpering when we leave her alone, but she quits when she realizes we’re not coming back. She is also very stubborn. If she doesn’t want to pee, she won’t, even if she’s been holding it all night long. Unless she’s on our carpet and then peeing is a perfectly suitable idea.

Last night we put a little doggie t-shirt on her that my coworker gave me. So cute. The more time goes by, the less inclined I am to take her back. How can you kick someone out of your house that you dressed in preemie clothes? You can’t, that’s what.

Anyway, I have so many things to blog about, including the incredible gift my husband gave me for my birthday and some potential big changes that are in the works for me. But I’ll save the news for another day when I’ve got time to write the details.

puppy love

Oh my. I am messed up!

First, I guess I should say that we got a puppy last night. But today I’m not feeling so good about it. Where to begin?

I guess I’ll start by saying that once you get married, people begin pressuring you and asking you when you’re going to have kids—this has been my experience, anyway. And now that nearly a year has gone by in our marriage, some people have even wondered whether our marriage is okay. (Marital trouble cited as the reason we aren’t having kids yet.) For the record, our marriage is more than okay. I have the best husband in the world.

However, there are specific reasons why I am not ready for children yet. I know what these reasons are, and my husband knows. That’s all that matters to me. No one else needs to be involved.

But what does this have to do with a puppy? Well, the same reasons I’m not ready for children are causing me to feel not ready for a dog, either. Every time I’m around the puppy, I feel happy and excited. She’s a doll. But when I am not in her presence, I have major second thoughts and feel dreadful.

The reason I am messed up is this: How come I didn’t know I wasn’t quite ready for a dog YESTERDAY before we got the dog? Could have been useful information. Because now I just don’t know what to do. I’m torn. I love this dog. My husband loves this dog. But every time I think about it logically, my senses tell me I shouldn’t keep this dog. Which should be a good enough answer—if I feel so weird about it, I probably am not ready for a dog.

At the same time, though, I often get buyer's remorse. I don't know for sure why, but I do. Sometimes I feel sad about a purchase even though it was the right thing at the right time. It's confusing.

The crappy thing is that we are getting quite emotionally attached to it. I know I’ll really be letting my husband down if I decide to take her back to the rescue. He loves her and doesn’t have any of the same hang-ups I do. However, he is being absolutely awesome about this. He hasn’t gotten upset even once about the fact that I’ve been pushing for a dog for months, and now when it finally happens I change my mind. He just tells me he wants me to be happy.

And I don’t feel deserving of that. It’s making me teary-eyed just thinking about how lucky I am to have a husband like that. I’m very confused. I don’t know what to do about it, but a decision must be made. I’m just glad my husband will support my decision no matter what it is. He’s the best.

medical emergencies

In one month I have seen enough doctor’s offices and emergency medical centers to last me a lifetime. John has been having several unexplained infections. Right after Christmas we spent a full day in an Urgent Care in Las Vegas. John had a sinus infection and swimmer’s ear, which, if you’ve ever had it, you know how painful it is! Right after that we both got sick. I think we caught colds from the runny-nosed kids at the Urgent Care.

The Sunday before last we ended up in Urgent Care again, this time in a nice Scottsdale location. (We were in and out in under an hour – such a change from our Nevada experience.) This time, John was diagnosed with several conditions and given more antibiotics.

Where were we the very next Sunday (i.e., yesterday)? In the emergency room. It was actually quite scary. John woke up and couldn’t breathe or swallow – his throat was closing up. I threw on some clothes and frantically drove him to the emergency room. It turns out that not breathing is a true emergency. We didn’t even have to wait in the waiting room for one second. He was ushered to the back immediately. (I’ve waited with friends in the ER for hours, so it was kind of scary to have it treated as an actual emergency, when so many other people with emergencies wait and wait.)

Well, it turns out John has yet ANOTHER infection, this time in his throat. He was instructed to throw away the antibiotics he was already taking, given a new antibiotic and some steroids to reduce the swelling. And we were sent on our merry way.

He’s doing okay now; the swelling is almost gone. But I am just worried. Why is his immune system doing so poorly? What is really going on? And how many more urgent cares/emergency rooms will we be visiting before we find out?

When I worry about his health it makes John feel guilty. He doesn’t want me to have to worry about him. But I do. Most of the time I am positive that we will be able to figure this thing out and get him healthy again. But there are moments when I fear. And times when I ask, Lord how long?

He’ll be okay. At least we have each other through this trial. And that, along with major praying, is the biggest comfort I have.

random conversation of the day

John: I guess I could get a Trinity t-shirt.
Me: Someday you're going to have too many t-shirts.
John: Yeah. And someday I'm going to be famous. And I'll auction my t-shirts on e-bay like William Shatner's kidney stone.

deep in the heart of texas

To the woman who looked breathtakingly gorgeous with perfect hair and makeup even after a two-hour flight to San Antonion: I hate you.

Here I am in San Antonio, enjoying every minute of my stay. Last night we went to dinner and then walked along the river. Beautiful. Maybe it's because I grew up in Nevada where all the buildings are either new, fake, or shabby (or often a combination of the three), but I truly appreciate the architecture here. The buildings are so rich in history and originality. I could see myself living in a place like this.

And this morning I slept in until just before the continental breakfast went away, took a bath, and read my new Lemony Snicket book. I'm just lounging (which I enjoy immensely) until John finishes his assessment. Tonight we'll hit the town and celebrate my birthday in style.

This is my first trip to Texas, and so far I love it. However, I'm a little confused by the fact that nobody has that exaggerated Texan accent I expected them to have. Do the people who leave the state of Texas feel the need to prove where they're from by drawling big time? Or is that accent just from a different region in Texas?

Well, better go. Off to do more lounging. :)

all work and no play makes jack a dull boy

My birthday was a success. I got many lovely presents from coworkers, friends, and family. And I still have John’s present(s) to look forward to. :)

Two of my good friends came over last night and we ate Oreganos takeout, had too much junk food, and watched The Parent Trap. So fun! Then my friend TK spent the night so I wouldn’t have to be alone on my birthday, which was so nice of her. I needed it, too. I was kind of sad not having John around on my birthday. Being alone would have been a bit too much.

Plus, during the middle of the night I had a dream about that Danny kid from The Shining. I distinctly heard “Redrum! Redrum!” coming from somewhere in the house. It woke me up, and at that moment I was never so glad to have someone else in the house with me.

And this afternoon I’m off to San Antonio to meet up with my sweet husband. I can’t wait. In fact, I’m sitting here at work unable to concentrate. I just want to be with my husband again. I missed him way too much.

happy birthday to me!

Today is my birthday, and it’s been wonderful so far. (Apart from waking up in the morning with no one to cuddle next to. :( Which reminds me—without my husband’s built-in heater I had to wear pajamas, socks, AND warm up a rice bag to take to bed with me.)

Anyway, several items of interest.

1. A coworker gets bonus points after this conversation:

Her: How old are you turning?
Me: 31.
Her: WHAT??!!! I thought you were 22 or 23!

How she could think that, I don’t know. But it sure made my day.

2. Nobody noticed that I dyed my hair yesterday. Which is funny, considering the ordeal that it was. I’m sure TK will be mad at me for what I say, but I’m writing it anyway. My friend TK is kind enough to dye my hair for free. She is not a professional, and in her words, “You get what you pay for.”

I wanted my hair dyed to cover up the few gray hairs I have. It’s my birthday—no gray hairs! However, after we finished dyeing my hair, I looked in the mirror, and the gray hairs were still there on my head! I had no choice but to pull them out one by one.

The other problem is that the dye not only dyes my hair, but also my scalp and part of my face. No amount of scrubbing afterward gets it out. Time alone resolves that problem. Meanwhile, I look like leprosy has erupted on my head.

And then nobody can even tell a change has occurred with the color of my hair. Oh well. What can you do? But it’s my birthday, so I don’t care. I look hot today, and that’s all that matters.

our first night apart

I drove my husband to the airport this morning so he could fly to New York for a fellowship assessment. This is officially the first night since we got married that I (and he) will be sleeping alone. :( It’s going to be so weird. The bed will feel so empty.

The only sad thing is, my birthday is tomorrow, so I won’t get to be with him on my birthday. And I want to have a good birthday.

BUT, the good news is that I'm hanging out with my girlfriends Wednesday night, and then Thursday I fly to San Antonio to meet John (he has an assessment for a second fellowship in San Antonio), and we’ll celebrate my birthday together in Texas. :)

And I’ve already received some awesome presents—My sister got me Parent Trap I & II, and it’s difficult to explain to you how gleeful I was to get this present. Parent Trap II has never even been SOLD before; it was on TV only (which may explain to you the quality of that film…), and I’ve wanted to watch it for a long time, but just didn’t have it. So, yeah…time for a PT I-IV party!!!

My mother-in-law gave me a Victoria’s Secret gift card, which yielded me the best bra ever!

And my grandpa-in-law (is that correct?) gave me money.

And I wasn’t even expecting presents. I love my birthday!!!

i'm finally updating!

Okay, major update since I haven’t posted for so long.

Jury duty. I managed to be dismissed from the jury, probably because I admitted that it is possible I would trust the testimony of a police officer more than I would trust a regular person’s testimony. I knew when I said it that it might get me dismissed, but I said it because I truly think I might. It would be a subconscious thing, but it could happen.

And so, after spending most of that day sitting around in a lobby doing nothing, I was sent on my way, having done my duty to humanity (as a juror, at least. And only for the next year and a half.).

Work. My work situation is terrible. I have been so busy I go home at night and collapse. I’ve worked overtime this week, worked my butt off, and ultimately spend all my energy at a place I have no desire to be at. This is why I haven’t posted in a while, and also why I haven’t been looking for a new job. I just haven’t had the time and energy.

But you know what? Next week, I’m making time. I don’t care anymore that these things HAVE to get done at work. I’m taking a lunch. I’m going home at 5pm. I will not let this job suck me in for another year. I job search. End of story.

Life. I finally admitted to myself that I’m dealing with depression again. I guess I hoped that ignoring it would make it go away. Guess what? Ignoring didn’t help. So now I have to find a way out. Here’s what I’m going to try:

1. I’m changing my diet and exercise. I’m cutting out sugars and adding veggies, fruits, and a multi-vitamin. I’m going to go walking on my lunch hour at least twice a week. I’ll also do an exercise video at home once a week. I’ve started eating healthier this week, and I’m already noticing a difference in how I feel.

2. I’m going to start getting enough sleep. That will be a major help to me.

3. I’m job searching and won’t quit until I am working for a new employer.

4. I’m reading a book about how to make cognitive and behavioral changes. Depressed people have thought processes and behaviors that help keep them depressed, so I’m going to work on changing those things about me.

That’s my initial plan. I don’t want to set TOO many goals, because I tend to do that and then not accomplish much of anything.

The good news: I went to Victoria’s Secret and bought a fabulous bra, fabulous enough to make up for the bra I recently lost.

The bad news: I went up a size since last year, and we’re not talking cup size. :( Another reason why I will be exercising from now on.

In other news: I am taking a Chinese calligraphy class, which I just started today. I can’t tell you how excited I am about it. I’ve tried to get into this class for two years, and I’m finally taking it! I guess you could say it’s been a dream of mine. I’ll let you know how it goes.

And that’s all for now. Have a good weekend!

my civic duty

I think there's only one thing worse than going to work on a Monday morning: going to JURY DUTY on a Monday morning.

But that's where I'll be. :)

p.s. I'm back. I've been sick and didn't really felt like posting, but I'll do better now.

more late night conversations

Background to this conversation: John snores, so I have a sound machine that makes “white noise” to drown out the snoring. John hates the sound machine.

Me: Can I turn on my sound machine?
J: No; I hate it so much.
Me: But how will I sleep if I don’t turn it on?
J: Watch Dr. Phil.
Me: What for?
J: I hear he can help with stuff like that.
Me: Uhhh…(speechless again!)
……………………

Me: Goodnight.
J: But wait. What about the pinewood derby?
Me: (what the…!!!?) Well, what about the pinewood derby?
J: Shouldn’t we be getting ready for it?
Me: No. Goodnight.

story of my life

I have put off writing this entry because of how angry I get just thinking about it. There aren’t words for the disgust and frustration I feel after getting a haircut last weekend. (And just how many times do I have to get a bad haircut, huh? Where is the justice? Where is the reprieve? Why can’t I have nice hair FOR ONCE?!!!)

My hairstylist did an amazing job two months ago, giving me a fabulous haircut. To me it felt edgy, sexy, and fairly natural (natural, that is, after I showered out the “poof” she styled my hair into.) I was so happy and impressed, but I knew that it was most likely a one-time fluke.

So after she cut my hair last weekend, I nearly cried I was so sad. I look mousy, babyish. Dull. I don’t even know how to describe what makes this cut bad; I can’t tell what she did differently. I just know that two months ago I felt sexy, and today I feel bland and not worth a second look. And my self-esteem has taken a dive because of it.

But I don’t understand how the same stylist could do such a bad job when she did so well the first time. And I don’t even know how to explain what I actually want, because I don’t know what the difference is!

So I look in a mirror and feel bad. I feel very, very unattractive. And I would love to kick my hairstylist.

nickel creek p.s.

p.s. I meant to add in my last post: We were so close to the stage that I could see that Sean Watkins has a lisp. The venue was standing room only :( but I truly enjoyed being so close to the musicians.

post-concert thoughts.

I meant to give a report on the Andrew Bird & Nickel Creek concert we went to on Wednesday. It was simply amazing. Andrew Bird was the opening act, and John and I had heard some of his songs, but they are NOTHING compared to his performance live. I was in love with his voice from the time that he opened his mouth. I tried to think of a word that could describe what I loved about it, and all I came up with was pure. Andrew Bird’s voice is clear and pure and doesn’t need any backup. But, if you read my husband’s blog, he described all the interesting instruments he used. Amazingly talented man. Wow. Just wow.

Andrew Bird was so amazing and unusual, however, that (in my opinion) he outperformed Nickel Creek, and their show was just a little bit lacking by comparison. And Nickel Creek was very good, don’t get me wrong. Andrew Bird just blew me away and was such a pleasant surprise. I’d see him live again.

Anyway, I was talking to a friend about how lucky I am to have such a thoughtful, perceptive husband who thinks to do something like that for me, and she told me it’s beyond lucky: that I found a rare, wonderful man. I couldn’t agree more; it’s just a little overwhelming to know that someone that good happened to me.

the disney report, days 3, 4, and 5

Well, to sum it all up:

Rides were ridden. Churros were eaten (but not enough of them. There’s never enough churro eating.) We got sick as dogs and kept on pushing and shoving at Disneyland anyway. We were beyond exhausted and kept getting up at 6am anyway.

John met Mickey.
























We met Pluto.


















And yes, on our last day there, we finally met the pardoned turkey. Our work at Disneyland was done.


















So until next time, we truly overloaded on Disneyland. I’ve had my fill for the next few years, anyway!