Wednesday, February 22, 2006

A week goes by and it seems like my life changes completely. Here’s a random sampling of what’s been going on:

**It’s my husband’s 25th birthday!!! Go here to wish him a happy birthday.

**Remember the library job? Well, I got offered the position. The salary offered was pretty much what I’m making now (except without my new raise), and he wouldn’t budge on that. Still, I was all set to take the position but found out other things that made the offer much less acceptable.

1. I wouldn’t get benefits for three months. We are not currently in a position to be able to go without benefits. Remember the emergency room? Yeah, I wouldn’t want to pay for that out of pocket.

2. I would be paying $150 more per month on insurance premiums. So my salary dropped even further.

3. I would only get 10 vacation days per year (I get 22 where I’m at now), and they wouldn’t start accruing for three months. Also, I would get no sick days—instead, I’d have to use vacation days if I got sick. (At ASU I get 12 sick days per year).

4. The guy who made the offer was just sketchy on too many things. I realized I would have no idea what I was getting into, and by the time I found out, it would be too late to do anything about it.

For these reasons and others, I declined the offer. I was a little sad, because I truly want to work in a library, but I don’t regret my decision. So I guess that means I made the right choice. It’s back to the job search for me.

**Some hard things are going on with my family right now. I guess you could say my dad got ‘fired’ from the best part of his job. He still has his job, but without the cool part. And the person who did the ‘firing’ is my mom’s direct boss. It hurts a lot to hear that my dad was sobbing after he got the news. The hardest thing is that there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s hard for me to see the people I love in pain. I’ve been praying a lot for them.

**I went to the doctor, and it seems like she really knows what she’s doing. They drew blood to check out my thyroid. We’ll see how things go with that.

**Something unbelievable—my coworker/supervisor apologized for her behavior on Friday. I wasn’t expecting that at all, but it was great of her to do it. Things are much less tense around here. Crazy.

Friday, February 17, 2006


1. I feel very bad about the following:

My coworker/supervisor (When I was hired, she was my direct supervisor. Now we're pretty much coworkers even though she still treats me as though she's my supervisor. When I get my raise and title change, I will consider her a coworker and act that way.) said something to me and a coworker that made us feel like we're being babysat.

Later, I was about to make the comment to her, "I wonder if I should tell coworker/supervisor that her comments make me feel like a peon." I didn't get the words out of my mouth because coworker/supervisor walked into the room. I snapped my mouth shut and felt like a jerk.

Especially when coworker/supervisor said, "Why do you guys always get quiet when I walk into a room?" (I don't know what she's referring to when she says 'always'.) "I'm not dumb. I know you do it." I had no comment. I just felt so stupid and ashamed, because though I don't always do it, in this instance she was dead on. I was talking about her. And I shouldn't have been.

My relationship with this woman was already strained. Now she thinks I'm sitting around talking about her all the time. Sigh. When the title change comes, I will just interact with her much less. Or when I get a new job. Whichever comes first.

2. I finally called a doctor today. Last night I was coughing and scratching my face so hard that I woke up out of a dead sleep. I thought I was having an allergic reaction of some kind. Maybe I was, and it was the last straw. I'm tired of sneezing all day long. I'm tired of itchy eyes, throat, nose, mouth, lips. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of depression. Sick and d*** tired of all these things. So I made the call. Of course, I probably won't get in to see a doctor for a few weeks, but at least I made the first move.

I still need to call my counselor and get an appointment, but I guess I'll focus on one thing at a time.

3. I like to make lists.

4. It is currently 3pm. I get to go home in two hours! tick tick tick tick....

Friday, February 10, 2006

blue is blue and so am i

I am at work about to have a breakdown. I can’t say it’s just one thing causing this. It’s more of a combination; a stress cocktail, if you will. I’m just to the point where I can’t take it anymore.

I can’t take one more night of doing nothing more than watching TV or movies when I get home from work. But the problem is that I have no energy or desire to do anything else. I do feel guilty about doing nothing else, though. Oh yes! A better person would keep in touch with their friends, keep their house clean, spend quality time with their spouse, do volunteer work somewhere – so say my thoughts. I don’t measure up to these standards at all. I don’t even try to.

Yes, depression is seriously hindering my ability to accomplish anything or feel good about anything. I feel like I’m wearing cement shoes. Any simple task feels like I’m being asked to climb a mountain. I’m tired of feeling empty. I’m tired of feeling tired. I’m tired of feeling that my life is worthless.

I need help but I don’t know where to start. My counselor is good, but I’ve tapered off my visits. My doctor dispenses prescriptions like they’re candy, so I don’t want to get a prescription from her – she’d give one to a drug addict. I want real help and advice, not just her signature on a piece of paper. Not that I’m opposed to medication; I just want to make sure it’s is warranted before I go that route. Which means getting a new doctor, which means waiting weeks to get in to see her, which means that in the meantime, I suffer.

I guess I just needed to write this out so I don’t have an actual breakdown at work. I hope I can find a solution here so that I don’t feel this way anymore. Thanks for “listening.” Writing it out really does help.

"And if you carry me tonight
I would be strong enough to fight
And when you're weak and can't go on
I'd be the bed you lay upon"

Monday, February 06, 2006

i'm so lucky

Okay. I have to mention the amazing gift my husband gave me for my birthday. He has gone above and beyond what I ever expected for my birthday. I was simply amazed when I opened it.

A while before he gave the gift to me, he told me I was really going to like it. Then I found out he was keeping it at his mom's house, which made it seem like a large item. A piece of furntiure? I wondered, but couldn't figure it out.

Finally, on the day we got back from San Antonio, he gave me this:

Yes, my husband gave me a mandolin for my birthday!!! I could not have been more surprised or excited about a gift. John knows me so well! The interesting thing is, I had only mentioned in passing that someday I'd like to learn to play the mandolin. But that was enough for him to search around online for hours, finding a mandolin for me so that I could fulfill my dream!

I am still amazed that I have such a perceptive, sweet husband. He took the time to figure out what I like, spent a lot of time finding what I liked, and then purchased it for me. I ended up with a truly unique birthday present--a gift specifically for me. And that means so much to me.

I guess this is an entry where I get to be sappy and say that I found the perfect person for me. I have been blessed in so many ways since getting married...I can hardly count them. In six days we'll have been married eleven months, and while it's hard to believe so much time has passed, the saying is true that time flies when you're having fun. And we certainly are.

I know I'm not a perfect wife--I know it too well. But I have a husband who loves me anyway and lets me become something better. And I don't take this for granted. I definitely know I've got a good thing.

Friday, February 03, 2006

working for a living

So much stuff to blog about! It’s all starting to pile up. This week has been interesting; a lot has changed.

First, the job search. Right before my birthday I decided to take some action. A coworker had given me an ad for a library job at a small trade college. So I applied. An hour later, the guy called to ask if he could interview me. I was stunned—this had never happened to me before.

In fact, I was a little suspicious at first. When I asked what kind of library position it was and what I’d be doing (the ad didn’t say), the man said, “Oh, you know. The same stuff you do in any library.” Hmmm.

But I agreed to an interview, which I had on Monday. It soon became apparent why the man had no idea what I’d be doing in the library: he is the director of the school and probably doesn’t set foot in the library. Also, the college usually has two librarians on staff, but they have none currently. So the interview was odd, to say the least.

He asked maybe three questions about my qualifications as a librarian (One of them was actually, “You know the Dewey decimal system, right?" The Dewey decimal system is really the least of a librarian’s worries.), gave me a tour of the college, then said, “So, is this a place you want to work for?”

Actually, it is. The library is small. Small enough to have personal contact with each and every patron (the college has 400 students). Small enough that I would be involved in every aspect of librarianship: collections development, circulation, reference, budget, etc. I don’t know for sure whether I would enjoy working at this particular college, but it would definitely be a great thing to put on my resume.

Oh, and to make the position full-time (the library is only part-time), they would have me teach English 101 classes. This prospect is both exciting and scary. A few years ago I was in a teacher certification program to teach English, but I realized I don’t have what it takes to teach English to high schoolers. Do I have what it takes to teach it to college students? I don’t know. But at the same time, the challenge sounds interesting…

THEN, on Wednesday, my boss came to me and said, “I know you’re considering another job, but before you take it, talk to me first, because I’m working on a title change and a raise for you.” Wow. Later in the day she told me that it would be about a 10% raise. That combined with the raise that everyone gets in March (6%, I think) would be a pretty good salary change.

So I haven’t heard back from the library job yet. If I don’t get it, I’m at least getting a good raise at my current job. If I do get offered the other position, then I’ll have to do some thinking. Mostly because the interviewer never once told me what the salary would be. He said that he would discuss salary next time we talk, which is pretty annoying. Will the salary there be enough? The husband and I are trying to recover from a financially difficult year, and I don’t know if we’re at a point where I can take a pay cut.

But anyway, it’s nice to know that I’m valued at my current place of employment, even if it isn’t my ideal job. It’s also nice to know that there are people out there who would jump at the chance to interview me for a library job.

If nothing else, this week has boosted my confidence. My work is valued. I’ll be able to find the right job for me, I know it. And, the craziest thing of all is this: My annual salary after the raise will be more than double what it was when I started here five years ago. Ha!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

puppy update

Go see a picture of our new puppy at my husband’s blog. Be sure to comment, too, because he’s sure no one reads his blog anymore.

As for the puppy update, she is definitely growing on us. What’s strange is that she doesn’t really make noise. Just slight whimpering when we leave her alone, but she quits when she realizes we’re not coming back. She is also very stubborn. If she doesn’t want to pee, she won’t, even if she’s been holding it all night long. Unless she’s on our carpet and then peeing is a perfectly suitable idea.

Last night we put a little doggie t-shirt on her that my coworker gave me. So cute. The more time goes by, the less inclined I am to take her back. How can you kick someone out of your house that you dressed in preemie clothes? You can’t, that’s what.

Anyway, I have so many things to blog about, including the incredible gift my husband gave me for my birthday and some potential big changes that are in the works for me. But I’ll save the news for another day when I’ve got time to write the details.