Thursday, December 22, 2005
Me: Can I turn on my sound machine?
J: No; I hate it so much.
Me: But how will I sleep if I don’t turn it on?
J: Watch Dr. Phil.
Me: What for?
J: I hear he can help with stuff like that.
Me: Uhhh…(speechless again!)
J: But wait. What about the pinewood derby?
Me: (what the…!!!?) Well, what about the pinewood derby?
J: Shouldn’t we be getting ready for it?
Me: No. Goodnight.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
My hairstylist did an amazing job two months ago, giving me a fabulous haircut. To me it felt edgy, sexy, and fairly natural (natural, that is, after I showered out the “poof” she styled my hair into.) I was so happy and impressed, but I knew that it was most likely a one-time fluke.
So after she cut my hair last weekend, I nearly cried I was so sad. I look mousy, babyish. Dull. I don’t even know how to describe what makes this cut bad; I can’t tell what she did differently. I just know that two months ago I felt sexy, and today I feel bland and not worth a second look. And my self-esteem has taken a dive because of it.
But I don’t understand how the same stylist could do such a bad job when she did so well the first time. And I don’t even know how to explain what I actually want, because I don’t know what the difference is!
So I look in a mirror and feel bad. I feel very, very unattractive. And I would love to kick my hairstylist.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Friday, December 16, 2005
Andrew Bird was so amazing and unusual, however, that (in my opinion) he outperformed Nickel Creek, and their show was just a little bit lacking by comparison. And Nickel Creek was very good, don’t get me wrong. Andrew Bird just blew me away and was such a pleasant surprise. I’d see him live again.
Anyway, I was talking to a friend about how lucky I am to have such a thoughtful, perceptive husband who thinks to do something like that for me, and she told me it’s beyond lucky: that I found a rare, wonderful man. I couldn’t agree more; it’s just a little overwhelming to know that someone that good happened to me.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Rides were ridden. Churros were eaten (but not enough of them. There’s never enough churro eating.) We got sick as dogs and kept on pushing and shoving at Disneyland anyway. We were beyond exhausted and kept getting up at 6am anyway.
John met Mickey.
We met Pluto.
And yes, on our last day there, we finally met the pardoned turkey. Our work at Disneyland was done.
So until next time, we truly overloaded on Disneyland. I’ve had my fill for the next few years, anyway!
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
I told John about my dream.
Me: Interpret this dream for me.
John: Um...we're meant to be together no matter what?
Monday, December 12, 2005
Then at church on Sunday, we had a lesson on forgiveness in Sunday school. John and I are in a “couples” Sunday School class, and it’s an 8-week course on how to be a better spouse. I have really enjoyed it. But anyway, the lesson was on forgiveness, and I realized that I desperately needed forgiveness for the way I had been treating my husband. And I realized that resentment was poisoning me and I needed to stop.
So after church we talked…and talked…and talked. I think it went amazingly well. I’m proud of the way were able to talk about difficult and somewhat painful topics without getting defensive or angry. We’ve worked hard to be able to interact this way. Anyway, from this conversation I learned how much I’ve been hurting my husband by my actions. And I learned what a remarkable and wonderful husband I have. When he understood the concern I had, he hugged me. And then he said something like, “I won’t tell you that things will be better; you will see it in my actions.” I know he means it.
And I mean it too. I felt terrible when I learned how I’ve been hurting my husband, and I don’t want to do that anymore.
To top it all off, at the end of the day, my husband presented me with a card. Our nine-month anniversary is today (yeah!), and the card was a sweet Christmas card that contained an early Christmas/anniversary present: tickets to go see Nickel Creek on Wednesday! I was shocked. First, he noticed that I love Nickel Creek, second he noticed that they were going to be in town. Third, he did something about it! Wow. I felt so loved. He’s the best. Truly.
Friday, December 09, 2005
It didn’t feel like Thanksgiving, waking up at 6am and eating a substandard breakfast at the hotel continental breakfast. It’s a free breakfast, so beggars can’t be choosers, but they didn’t even serve name-brand cereal. I was forced to eat “Tasty Flakes” or something.
We made it to Disneyland just before its opening. A few of us had gotten there earlier and held our place in line, but we felt a little awkward when the 5 people in line were joined by about 15 people. Sorry, all you people behind us in line. We’re a big family.
Surprisingly, Grandma and Frank were nowhere to be seen. I pictured them back at their hotel, snuggling in bed together, enjoying their time alone. Kind of cute, if a little weird to picture your grandma as a newlywed. In reality, though, I think what really happened is that Frank was tired and Grandma couldn’t get him out of bed.
So our first ride was Splash Mountain, and some of us, including me and John, got SOAKED! Two rides later we were on Pirates of the Caribean and got soaked again! Seriously, my underwear felt squishy. I sat down and left a butt print behind when I got up. The wetness was unpleasant, but we pressed onward. By the end of the day, we had ridden just about all the major rides.
We did sneak a nap in during the middle of the day, though. The plan was to nap during the day so we could stay at Disneyland until midnight. But after the nap we felt more disoriented than rested.
Then we were right back at it—pushing and shoving our way through the park. Thanksgiving day was just plain crowded. I don’t mind a small crowd, but Disneyland can be ridiculous. Especially when we got caught at the end of a parade, walking 50 steps an hour, or when John and I were caught between a Mickey siting and a million screaming kids; well…me no likey.
We also managed to eat a Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant near Disneyland. Let’s just say it was pretty good for having been cooked in a restaurant made to serve hundreds of old people some really cheap food. In other words, imagine eating Thanksgiving dinner at Denny’s, and you’ve got a picture of our dinner. But it was fun to be all together, and the food wasn’t horrible.
I don’t think we quite made it until midnight that night, but we were close. I do know we rode Big Thunder Mountain three times in a row, all within the space of about 10 minutes. We love screaming on that ride. For some reason (Howdy partners. This here is the wildest ride in the WILDERNESS!), it’s a family favorite.
So we went to bed tired, knowing we’d be up at 6am again the next morning. To be continued…
Picture of the day. Here’s John and I in line for the Matterhorn. Can you tell we are still wet?
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Disneyland, Day 1 (Wednesday)
Our hotel is seriously 30 feet from the gate to Disneyland. It may smell weird and have a crappy continental breakfast, but it’s all about location.
My dad took my neice Sareny to Downtown Disney, and immediately bought her a sweatshirt. We didn’t see that one coming…The rest of us joined them a little later, but I wasn’t so impressed. It’s just a dubiously Disney themed outdoor mall that’s overpriced simply because it’s right by Disneyland. I don’t think so.
We met my grandma’s husband Frank for the first time. She got married in a whirlwind romance (can that really happen in your 70s?) – they started dating in August; got married in October. Frank is nice enough, but I think everyone – including my grandma! – is comparing him to my grandpa who died about three years ago. Competing with a memory is difficult, I’m sure. My sister Cassidy actually started crying (not in front of him, of course). She cannot really come to terms with my grandma loving any man other than my grandpa.
We exchanged Disneyland “surprises” that first day. Every time we go to Disneyland, we make each other some kind of surprise related to Disneyland. Sometimes we get a little elaborate, but it’s fun! Cassidy & her fiancé James created a cute Mickey maze, and made Mickey cookies. My dad made lists of all the ‘hidden mickeys’ in Disneyland (A hidden mickey, for those of you who are wondering, is, in a nutshell: Within the Disneyland park are strategically arranged items, like dinner plates on a table, that resemble Mickey's head. They're usually semi-hidden, and fun to find.), and offered prizes to those who found the most hidden mickeys. Hillari & Alexis made a fun word game. Jake & Liz gave us the Indiana Jones decoder pins. John and I created a photo book that contained several pictures taken at Disneyland. The first picture is a close-up and they had to guess where in Disneyland the picture was taken before they turn the page and see. For example, do you know where this picture was taken?:
Here's the answer:
We ended the evening at a restaurant down the street to celebrate my sister Cassidy’s 21st birthday. John secretly got the waiter to bring out desert and sing Happy Birthday. Good times. Good food.
Oh yes, and let's not forget that we argued back and forth over which ride would be first the next morning. We finally agreed on Splash Mountain, and then went to bed knowing we'd be getting up at 6am the next morning!
To be continued…
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
And just because I can, and because I just pulled out these wedding pictures, I leave you with a photo from my second reception, held in an art gallery in Scottsdale. (Photo taken by TK.) In the picture we are in a small gathering of friends and family, exchanging rings for the benefit of those who were not able to be with us in the temple on our wedding day. It was a surprisingly touching moment, because we both got to share our feelings about each other. The gouged wall behind us is actually a piece of art hanging on the wall.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
I’ve been seeing the chiropractor for pain in my forearm, and as a treatment, she massages this icy hot type of gel onto my arm. That night, while sitting on the couch, J randomly started kissing my arm. Keep in mind this is not typical behavior. It’s not like he kisses my arm on a regular basis, but for some reason, he did that day. In fact, he kissed it several times.
Then, a minute later he turned to me with lips puckered and said, “Why are my lips numb?” I laughed and laughed when I realized he had been kissing on my icy hot. Hee hee.
Monday, November 07, 2005
I just saw the most amazing movie this weekend. It's called New York Doll, and it blew me away.
The film is a documentary that centers around Arthur "Killer" Kane, a founding member of the influential band the New York Dolls, but this is not a movie about a glam-rock band. The band broke up a few short years after its inception, and Kane struggled to find his niche in life, eventually joining the LDS church, but this is not a film about religion. This is a film about the beauty and humanity of one man.
If you have the chance, see this film! I guarantee you will not be disappointed. Right now it's only available in the NYC, LA, SLC, and Phoenix areas, though it is expanding to other areas soon. If you live in AZ, it's showing at Harkins Centerpoint in Tempe. Go see this movie. And then tell me what you think.
Monday, October 31, 2005
We are a handsome Italian couple, no? In any case, good times were had by all. And, at the end of the evening, my niece accomplished something I haven't been able to do even once in my life:
Amazing! I was fully impressed.
Friday, October 28, 2005
I finally did it—I saw the counselor. And I haven’t felt this good in a long time. I was able to talk through a lot of things, and she was very optimistic about the eventual outcome of this whole counseling thing. Because of that, I feel so much better about the issues and problems I’ve been worried about. It was as if the words I spoke lifted a weight right off my chest. I’m so glad I finally called.
And in other news, my parents and sister are coming into town this weekend. We’re going to see my niece dressed up at her ‘Trunk-or-treat’ (costume still TBD), attend Sparky’s FestDevil, and perhaps have our own murder mystery party…should be an interesting weekend.
I’m so glad it’s Friday! Someone walked into our office just now with plates of sandwiches and fruit—always a welcome sight, but quite the party on a Friday afternoon. Our office is frequently the recipient of leftover food from catered meetings. Yum. What a way to end the week.
Have a good weekend!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Anyway, sorry for the inconvenience--to all you real people, please keep commenting! I appreciate all of your comments.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
The rabbit was litter box trained, friendly, sweet. I e-mailed the lady but I was too late. She had given it to someone else, but by then we had already named the rabbit, for crying out loud. She was mine, and then suddenly she wasn’t.
I don’t think you can understand how sad I was when I didn’t get this rabbit. Probably it’s for the best, but I’ve been confused and sad lately, and I thought maybe Geraldine would help me feel better. I’m sad. But it’s not really because I didn’t get Geraldine. I’m just a little lost right now.
Monday, October 24, 2005
I didn’t participate during 2003 or 2004 because of grad school—I would have gone crazy. I was so looking forward to NaNoWriMo 2005 so I could write my second novel. But November 1 is fast approaching, and I find that my heart just isn’t in it. I want to do it—the thrill of writing a novel in a month (along with 20,000 other people!) and knowing that you accomplished something that difficult and big, well, there’s nothing like that feeling.
So what’s keeping me from signing up? Why am I not dreaming up plots, developing characters, and listening in on other people’s conversations for inspiration? (Haha. Listening in on conversations is fun to do, and often quite inspirational!) It’s plain my heart isn’t in it, and I can’t write 50,000 words in one month without a whole lot of conviction and heart. I almost quit halfway through the month (when I had written 25,000 words already!) the first time I participated, so I KNOW that NaNoWriMo is not for the faint of heart.
If something changes by November 1, then I’ll go at it full force! I guess I just don’t know why I’m so lethargic about it…Anyone out there thinking of participating this year? Anyone willing to try and help psych me up for this?
Oh, p.s. This shirt makes nanowrimo awfully tempting...
So NOW who's with me? For those about to write, we salute you.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
The good news is that I have consistently worn my step counter, and have increased my daily average by 500 steps each week. So that means this week I’m up to 6,500 steps per day. (When I first started, my average was 4,000 steps a day.) That probably doesn’t sound like much to many of you, but it involves me taking a 20-minute walk every day at lunch. I’ve also started doing a weight workout once a week—the goal is at least twice a week, but we’re talking baby steps here. I’m pretty proud of my efforts in this realm.
The eating has not gone as well. I somehow manage to sabotage myself at every turn. I eat yogurt and a granola bar for breakfast, fruits and veggies for snacks, a healthy lunch, and then I pig out in the evening on greasy Mexican food takeout and top it off with ice cream. I get nowhere doing that. Probably because of this, my stomach looks as big as before (or bigger). I get discouraged.
You know what else is discouraging? The instructors of my health and wellness class. The nutrition expert is chubby. The exercise expert is built like a linebacker, and not all of that is muscle. Are they not following their own advice? Because at the end of this course, I want to look and feel a little better than I did when I started. I’m discouraged, but I’m not giving up.
Tonight, one of my best friends will be dyeing my hair. Saturday I’m getting it cut. And someday very soon, I’m hopefully going to be wearing these . Or these.
And very soon I’m going to call a counselor for my emotional health. I’ve been trying to make the call for a couple of weeks now, but I’m scared. I know I need it, it’s just hard for me to pick up the phone and do it. But it’s time. I want to make myself and my marriage into something better, and I know this is the way to do it. I’m just scared of revealing my thoughts and feelings to someone—I have a problem being vulnerable. (Hence, why I need to get counseling in the first place.)
It sounds funny—a person (me) who puts a blog up for anyone to stumble upon is scared to reveal her true thoughts and feelings. But it’s different on a blog. I edit my thoughts here. I don’t generally blog about the bad stuff, or the problems I have, or the emotional mess I am sometimes. Can you see why this would be a problem in a marriage? My fear of revealing my true self sometimes prevents me from being a full, true partner to my husband, and that is not acceptable to me. I think a counselor can help me with that. There are more issues to deal with, but that is a big one. (Wow...I wasn’t even sure where to start with counseling, but writing it out has pointed out one of my main problems!)
Anywho, I’m still alive. I’m working on my goals, and I’m trying to become a better person (both inside and out). I’m just getting exhausted by the effort.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Friday, October 07, 2005
As I said before, I’m taking a class on health and nutrition, and I’ve made changes in my lifestyle. I walk A LOT more than I ever did. On my lunch hours I take walks instead of sit at my desk. I’ve started working out with weights a couple times a week. I’ve also stopped eating candy and junk during the day and have exchanged them for fruit and vegetable snacks.
I’m doing these things because I want to look good, not necessarily because I want to be healthy. Everyone always says “I’m doing it to be healthy”, not “I want to look hot.” But hey, I’m not afraid to admit it.
I found a cool hairstyle that I want, and I’m going to dye my hair darker brown and put red highlights in it. I’m getting new glasses (The ones I wear are at least two years old. And I am unable to wear contacts for the time being). I’m going to get up early enough to do my hair every day rather than put it in a ponytail like I usually do.
I even plan to get a new wardrobe, though that part will be tricky—I don’t exactly have any money in my budget for that…We’ll see. Get this, I even bought some manicure equipment and am going to do my nails and toenails on a regular basis.
I’m serious about this. I’m tired of feeling unattractive. I want to feel sexy. Could this have something to do with the fact that my birthday is approaching faster than ever? Probably. Let’s face it, I’m turning 31 in three months. 30 was okay, because it just rounds out the 20s. But 31, that means I’m IN my 30s. Yikes! I don’t want to look like a middle-aged housewife or something. Not that there’s danger of that right now…I’m just majorly into prevention in this instance.
It doesn’t help that JJ is turning 25 this year. He loves to remind me that I’m practically his grandma. :) Okay, he’s not that bad. But still. Here’s what I want. When people see us, I want them to think I’m younger than he is. So far, people think of us as the youngster married couple. What they don’t know won’t hurt them! I just want to keep it that way.
So anyway, I’ll keep you posted on the looking good goal. I’ll even post pictures of my hair when I get it done. Thanks for listening, and don't think I'm too vain!
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Not that I don’t plan to leave soon. It’s time for me to become a librarian, and I know it. The good thing is that JJ and I sat down together this past weekend and discussed our dreams and goals. We each wrote out the things we are working toward, and it seems so much more real now that the goals are in black and white. So things at work are bearable because I have a game plan.
I’ll probably be writing in here about some of those goals. In fact, if I weren’t so busy/lazy all the time, I’d be writing in here a lot! Nearly every day something happens to me and I wonder, “Should I blog about that?” I practically have an incident all typed out in my head while it’s simultaneously happening to me.
Speaking of “Should I blog about that?”, something funny happened to me yesterday at the public library. When I told the story to JJ, he laughed like crazy and voted no on me blogging about it. Here’s a hint: it involves bathrooms and me not being able to hold it…but, I guess I’ll have a little propriety and not post it. Even though it’s funny!
Friday, September 30, 2005
I watched an old movie last night – Cover Girl – a cheesy 1940s musical, but it only cheered me up a bit. I also decided to work out with weights, which made me feel better also. But I was still feeling pretty down, so I brought out my guitar and played all the sad songs I know how to play. That helped a lot. I’ve gotta remember to play more—my spirit was considerably lifted by singing and playing.
But the thing that helped most is that J talked with me for a long time. I think we both needed to talk, actually. And now I’m feeling 100% better. J is so good, and I feel very blessed to have him. And I have some direction for what I can work on to be a better wife. So…I’m back to feeling good, just like I knew I would.
I forgot to post that the other night J talked in his sleep again! It’s so fascinating to me. This time I didn’t say a word to him. He talked extensively in Albanian for about 5 minutes, and then switched over to Italian for the next 10 minutes. I don’t know what he was saying, but it was strange to listen to, because it sounded like a robot or something, just talking and talking. I think I heard the words heart attack, meat, and then a big list of vegetables and foods. Other than that, it was all greek to me.
The other day J said to me, “So what kind of dog do you want?” Is he softening? :)
Okay, last thing -- I realized in my car this morning on the way to work that I forgot to put deodorant on. Isn't that the worst feeling? (Or am I the only one who has forgotten such a vital thing?!)
Thursday, September 29, 2005
I’m sad today. I just need to put my feelings out there; I’m sure I’ll get over them shortly. Right now my thoughts and feelings are a jumble.
I had a nightmare last night. I woke up sad and didn’t know why. Then I remembered the contents of the nightmare. It was a sad dream and I couldn’t shake the feelings, even knowing it was just a dream.
I hate my job. The $9,000 raise I got in June increased my job satisfaction for a while, but now I’m back to empty again. My job is fairly thankless, the mistakes I make are pointed out abundantly, I’m constantly behind in my work, and I’ve had just about enough of it. At least I can say that I am learning new things and that I enjoy some of what I do. That’s probably the saving grace of the whole thing. I can last 7-8 more months, and then I want to be out of here. (Don’t tell anyone I work with, though.)
I’m lonely. I feel like I’m drifting along with no purpose and no reason to keep going. Today I just want to give up. I won’t, and I’m sure I’ll feel better soon, but today that’s how I feel. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe I should see a counselor like I keep telling myself I will...
Sigh. I guess it's hot chocolate and old movies for me tonight. Maybe that'll help. Maybe not.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Which I did. I’m so glad I waited to get married to the right person for me. I’m so glad I married JJ, the man of my dreams who sweeps me off my feet every single day. :)
Friday, September 23, 2005
Thursday, September 22, 2005
"hello. I'm just wondering about how you identify yourself. Do you define yourself as a wife just because it's a new part of who you are or do you truly feel that this is your new identity and you've left the rest behind? Sorry if this seems too intense or personal, but I'm just wondering from a feminist perspective. Good luck with the depressing days, I know how those go."
Interesting question and not too personal. Calling my blog “mrs ronk” definitely calls attention to my status as a wife. I think my reasons for identifying myself that way were really a combination of things.
For one, I was sick of my old blog site, and wanted a new one with a new name. This blog was created pretty much on a whim. My husband already had a site at blogger, which is what inspired me to switch over to blogger. His diary is “big ronk”. We had just gotten married when I started this blog, and it occurred to me to do a kind of twist on his blog. That part of it seemed natural—I didn’t have to agonize for days over the name and end up choosing some blog name I might later regret. (My former blog name—cryondemand—was based on my favorite musician and my emotional state at the time. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
I liked the name, and identifying myself as ‘mrs ronk’ doesn’t make me feel that I left my old identity behind at all. I’m still me. However, for me, getting married has changed my identity somewhat. My role as wife is very important to me and I’m not afraid to admit that. I’m not trying to hide my new identity as ‘wife’ nor let it obscure the other parts of me.
I do consider myself a feminist in some ways. Just ask my husband who has to deal with my diatribes sometimes! The funny thing is, in many cases I prefer the title ‘Ms.’, and my last name isn’t actually Ronk. So…what’s in a name?
I hope that clears it up. Thanks for asking.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Low of the day: I walked around on ASU campus today. I usually spend my day hovering over a computer screen and don’t venture onto the campus much. But today I did. Ironically, I did so to attend a class about general health—exercise, eating right, etc. They gave us a pedometer and then pumped us up for being healthy. Then I walked back to my office building, noticing all the beautiful young girls who are skinny, blond, and have perfect hair and makeup. It was completely depressing and cancelled all the benefits of the class I just took. Do you have to be under 21 and born with the right genes in order to be what’s hot right now? Sigh. Why I should care, I’m not sure. But I do. I want to be someone that people think ‘wow’ when they look at me. Today I just feel old and slightly unattractive. I’m sure I’ll get over it, and there are certainly more important things to think about…
High of the day: Something clicked for me today. It’s a very personal thing, and I’m not sure I could explain it even if I wanted to. So I’ll just say that I prayed for something this morning, something very specific. I prayed to understand a concept I’ve been wondering about and working on. Later on today I read something on lds.org -- a small paragraph that hit me like lightning. Suddenly I understood the concept like I never had before. Not only that, but I realized that my prayer had been answered. It might sound like a small thing, but it's a concept I felt was vitally important for me to understand right now. And now I do.
Monday, September 19, 2005
We were both in bed last night and it was really late, 11:30-ish (okay, late for me!). Suddenly, John is talking.
J: It’s all paid for.
H: What’s all paid for?
J: The resort.
H: Are we going to a resort? (I’m suddenly wishing that it’s true and he has booked a resort for us, even though logically I know he has not.)
J: We’re already there.
H: Oh. How nice.
Pause…I am about to drift to sleep again.
J: I need some little pillows. Call the front desk and have them send some.
H: I’ll call tomorrow. It’s late.
J: No, call now. They’re open 24 hours.
In other news, I had a sort of down weekend. I’ve just been worried about a few things, and by Sunday I was feeling pretty depressed. I was at church by myself (my husband had class all day) and all I wanted to do was run home and go back to bed. I didn’t though. I stayed, and I’m so glad I did. Several people shared personal stories, and it made me realize that everyone has trials and God is there to get me through mine. I’m going to be okay.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Behold the subconscious interior of my husband's random brain. (He's J and I'm H):
J: He shouldn’t sleep until September.
H: Who shouldn’t?
J: The guy in the green shirt.
J: Because, then he could be in the Guinness Book of World Records.
H: Who is this guy?
J: Just some guy.
H: He’s wearing a green shirt?
J: Yeah. In the picture. But he probably has other shirts.
H: Yeah. But maybe he just has one shirt.
J: That would be sad.
H: Would you give him some of your shirts?
J: Uh…yeah. But I don’t have his address.
J: Swipes frantically at his ear.
H: What’s wrong?
J: There was a frog in my ear.
H: No there wasn’t.
J: Yes there was.
H: Well, where did it go?
J: It hopped off.
H: Are you going to catch it?
J: Right now?
H: Yeah, if you want to.
J: No. It’ll be there in the morning.
Suddenly there is a loud knocking…sounds like it’s coming from the neighbor below us, but it’s hard to tell, and in light of J being so out of it, I am a little scared.
H: What was that?
J: The frog.
H: No, it wasn’t.
J: Yes it was.
H: Can we keep the frog as a pet?
J: Yeah. If it’s not poisonous. Do you have hard feet?
H: Yeah. Why?
J: If you touch a poisonous frog your skin will get soft.
J: Yeah. I stepped on a poisonous frog once and that’s what happened to my feet.
H: Uh…But seriously, what was that noise earlier?
J: I thought it was the frog.
J: While shuddering: Ow. I wish they’d give me some room.
J: These people. There’s tons of room and they’re crowding me.
H: Where are you?
J: On campus.
J: Shudders again. Ow. Stupid bicycle. I hate bicycles.
J: Shudders again: Ow!
H: What happened?
J: I tripped on a crack in the sidewalk.
H: (At this point I figured I better get him away from this painful dream.) J, it’s okay. You’re not on campus, you’re in bed with me.
J: No I’m not.
H: Yes you are. Don’t you feel me touching you?
J: Yeah; you’re on campus with me.
H: No, we’re in bed. Let’s go to sleep now.
J: But first we need to go to the job fair at the MU. Is it 3 yet?
H: No. It’s nighttime. We should go to bed and you can go to the job fair tomorrow.
J: But what if the job is taken?
H: It won’t be.
J: For credit card, please press one.
J: It’s a gas pump. Gas is expensive.
Somehow I finally got JJ to go to sleep. (Well, I think he was sleeping already, but I got him to settle down and stop talking!) I’ve heard of sleepwalking, but sleep talking is new to me. It’s a very strange phenomenon. It can be pretty entertaining…the stuff that randomly comes out of his head.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
I did enjoy seeing deer, skunk, turkey, and other wildlife. I enjoyed the beautiful sunsets that swept across the canyon, making the already beautiful rock formations turn even more brilliant colors. I like taking hikes and enjoying the peacefulness of nature. I also enjoyed sitting around the campfire (in my brand new camping rocking chair bought for me by my dear husband) and reading a book.
Here's what I don't love about camping: Not showering for three days. Loading up a bunch of crap that you have to set up once you get there so that you have a makeshift house. Only it's not a house, it's a nylon tent with an air mattress inside, and dirt gets everywhere and you can't stand up straight in your little 'house'. It almost always involves freezing at night. You also pack up a bunch of food and cooking paraphernalia and utensils. Then you get to make the meals on this little stove all the while ignoring the dirt everywhere. And THEN, three days later, you have to take it all apart and pack it all up again. Then it's home again, where you get to unload it all.
Somehow that's just not my idea of fun. It sounds like something for a masochist. Give me a hotel and breakfast in bed; that's what I'm all about!
Camping rant aside, I did have fun. Here's the proof:
This is me and J at a scenic part of the Grand Canyon. If we look a little dirty and gross and smelly, that's because we are! I'm holding our adorable niece who loved camping and loved US even more--we are her favorite aunt and uncle, hands down. :)
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Well anyway, tonight was a close call. I was in the left-hand turning lane in the middle of the intersection when the light turned yellow. I looked at the cars coming toward me, and they were slowing down. So I turned left. However, a truck decided last minute to speed up through the intersection, which meant he was speeding toward me. We barely missed colliding, my heart nearly exploded out of my chest, and then I thanked God that one more time I was spared.
The whole experience taught me to watch my language. If we had collided and I had died, my last words on this earth would have been, "Holy hell!"
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
2. To Christie and others who wondered why I cried for four hours straight:
It's a long story. I had the flu at the time, which for some reason exaggerated my emotions. I was dealing with some personal issues (and still am) that caused me significant distress at the time.
My mistake was that I should have talked to my husband about several things, but I didn't. For several weeks I kept my feelings to myself until one fateful day they ALL spilled out and wouldn't stop coming for four hours. I have since realized my mistake and have taken to dealing with issues as they arise, rather than keeping them to myself. I guess it's a part of being married that I'm just learning about. A part of the human experience that I'm just learning about!
Thanks for your concern, though. I'm doing much better these days.
3. To TK: I miss you and your blog!
4. To my husband, who is my proven soul mate: To have your love and honesty is everything to me. xoxoxo.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
Meanwhile, it's time to up the exercise and cut down on the fried and sugary foods, stat! I guess it's going to be a slow recovery if I look pregnant. Yikes!
In other news, JJ and I finally have friends! Couple friends! I'll post soon with the details.
Friday, August 12, 2005
But I think I'm getting better anyway. My poor husband has just started with the worst of it. He slept almost all day yesterday. But, lovely husband that he is, he stayed awake long enough to clean the kitchen. You would have had to see the kitchen to understand how wonderful my husband is for doing that. Especially while sick. We were both sick all week and let dishes and trash pile up. Our rice cooker sat with rice in it all week until mold started growing in it. Eww! The rest of the kitchen wasn't much better. But JJ cleaned it, bless his heart. I got home from work yesterday and decided it was time to face the nastiness of the kitchen. But when I went in, all I saw were sparkling countertops! Bless you, JJ. Bless you.
In other news, I am on a campaign to get JJ healthy. He doesn't yet know what I have planned, but basically we are going to start exercising daily, eating many more fruits and vegetables and NOT eating out anymore, losing weight, and learning some relaxation techniques. If we're diligent about it, I feel certain we'll both become healthier. I just stepped on a scale at the Dr.'s office, and I'm about 10 pounds overweight, which isn't much, but it's enough for me to know I need to make some changes. I'm very motivated to make these changes, and I hope JJ will be too. He's been too sick; otherwise I would have talked to him about the new plan. Hopefully this weekend.
You know, I should be a researcher. Somebody should pay me to research. I'm good at it, that's all I'm saying.
Okay, have a fabulous weekend, and I will too.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
But I'm back and posting.
Monday, August 01, 2005
J's mom is also feeling a little better and was able to go home on Saturday. I'm still very worried about her. We still just aren't sure what, if anything, is wrong...which is scary.
Basically I (and I think John too) was wiped out this weekend from stress and everything else. We slept in until 10:30 on Saturday, which felt marvelous. Mostly I did what I said I was going to do--sit around and watch movies and gorge myself on food. However, I'm not sure how good that was for my depression. It felt good at the time, but yet...didn't really help the situation any.
It wasn't until John suggested shopping for books at my favorite thrift store (Deseret Industries) on Saturday night that I started feeling a little better. Firstly, because we got out of the house--I'd been in there since Friday afternoon, and it was time to shower and get out! Secondly, because D.I. always makes me feel better. I can't really explain why. And THIRDLY, because I knew my husband suggested it in part to cheer me up. Which it did! He rocks. I found some good books, too.
Sunday I was still down and had to leave Church after Sacrament meeting. Just couldn't do the rest. And for the rest of the day John and I cuddled and watched TV movies galore--Rookie of the Year, Dumb and Dumber, Speed, The Truman Show. How can you not feel better after that?
Anyway, life is still really hard, but I feel like we can make it. It feels like the worst is over.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Once again, I know it’s me who has to change. Circumstances will come and go, but I’m the only one who can make myself happy. But all those theories (that I’ve always believed in) are a bit harder to put into practice when hard times come knocking at the door.
It’s stupid—I’m feeling sorry for myself when in fact I shouldn’t be thinking about myself at all. It’s time to work on my attitude, I know it. But first, perhaps I’ll hole up in bed and watch movies all weekend and eat myself into oblivion. That’s my coping mechanism of choice.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
J's mom is not doing well at all. She is now staying with us. J is at a breaking point, I can tell. I can't do much to help, and I'm stuck here at work all day worrying. I am nearly at a breaking point myself, but I want to stay strong for my husband. I just don't know how much longer I can.
The truth is, I'm worried too. I'm scared, I'm sad, I don't know what to do either.
I know God is watching out for us. I know deep down we can make it through this trial too, but at the moment it sure doesn't feel like it. I just feel so helpless right now. Sigh. And once again, I feel better for having written it down. We're going to make it. I've never faced such a difficult trial, but I've never had such a wonderful person right next to me to lean on, either.
Monday, July 18, 2005
After that we went to John's favorite restaurant (soon to be my favorite too--I am in love with their chips, and as far as I'm concerned, the chips are what make or break a mexican restaurant.), Los Olivos, and had dinner followed by fried ice cream. Yum.
We then saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which was surprisingly better than I thought it would be. It deviated from the book a bit, and went in a different direction from the original (which I love), but it was fun and unique. It's quirky, weird, and has Tim Burton's signature all over it. Overall, I think it's a movie worth seeing.
Saturday I got up pretty early and cleaned our house from top to bottom (it needed it!). Necessary, but not very relaxing. I finished around 4pm, showered, and then John got home from his all-day class. We went back to the hospital to visit his mom again, and stayed until 9pm. By the time we bought food and brought it home, I was exhausted. We watched part of a movie, and then I went to bed to read a bit. Here's the part where JJ and I had a disagreement that didn't get resolved until the next day. I didn't get to sleep until probably 1am.
Then it's up for church, bright and early Sunday morning. I had to go by myself because John had another all-day class. Boy was it lonely to sit by myself at church. :( After church I took a nap, the only thing that saved me from utter exhaustion. We spent the evening at my sister and brother-in-law's house, which was mucho fun. We played games and played with my adorable niece. Good times.
But now it's Monday, and I don't want to be here at work! Not at all. I need a vacation and I need one soon...
Friday, July 08, 2005
The article I found-- “Divine Designs of Marriage”, by Laura Brotherson-- really spoke to me. It is from an LDS perspective, but I think the concepts can be pretty universal. This article has changed my perspective completely. If you’re married, check it out!
One thing the author says is, “Personal growth is not optional in marriage.” I noticed that! When I was single, I didn’t have to face some of my weaknesses like I do now, because now someone I love is affected by them.
She also says, “Accepting our spouse unconditionally may be one of the greatest lessons our spouse can help us learn.” If this isn’t the truth, I don’t know what is. Of course, that should be a given in marriage, but it just wasn’t sinking in for me. Plus, the way she words this lets me know that accepting someone unconditionally is a process we learn; it’s not necessarily inherent or easy.
Basically what I got from the article is that we’re imperfect, but we can learn to love each other unconditionally (which will allow us both to learn and grow at our own pace). And even though it’s not always easy, we can learn to meet each other’s needs if we’re willing to stretch and grow and work at it. (Meeting each other’s needs doesn’t always come naturally!) I have a long way to go, but I now have a starting point and something to work toward, and that makes me happy.
Anyway, I feel much happier than I did. Basically I was wallowing in self-pity, and I’m not going to do that anymore. The book I found Bonds that Make us Free: Healing our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves is helping me see what I need to change about myself and how to change it. (It’s serialized on the internet if you want to read the whole thing.) I haven't read very far into it, but it's amazing so far.
I’m serious about changing. I’m committed to becoming the person I know I should be. For myself and for my husband and future family, I will make whatever difficult changes are necessary.
p.s. Go visit my husband’s blog and say hi. He would love it. (And he also has more pictures of us over there.)
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Friday we went out to dinner.
Saturday we cleaned the house and then saw the movie Bewitched. (Don’t bother—the movie is harmless but boring. I kept focusing on making sure my bum didn’t fall asleep in the hard chairs rather than on the actual movie itself.)
Sunday was church, then finally introducing John to the magic of Parent Trap III and IV (He loved them, I know he did!) and then hanging out with John’s mom.
Monday we went “golfing” with my sister Hillari and BIL Keith and the favorite (and only) niece, Sareny. I say “golfing” because we just went to the golf course and played around in the chipping and putting area. I have to say, golfing was a LOT more fun than I expected it to be. Not that it’ll be my new favorite pastime, but…I won’t knock it as much as I used to. We then ate lunch, watched Hitch, an exasperating movie about a witch in heels who wins herself a handsome, charming, loving man even though she has no redeeming features beyond her beautiful face and gorgeous body. Oh, wait. That’s not the REAL story—it was actually about a surprisingly unspoiled, nice millionaire/goddess who falls in love with an average Joe. Either way, though, not the best movie ever. We ended the evening by watching the fireworks from our porch swing. Lovely.
The whole weekend was interspersed with episodes that I can’t fully explain. I acted childish and selfish and I think damaged my husband’s emotional well-being even though I set out intending to do the opposite.
Today I feel kind of dejected and sad. I try so hard to be a good wife, but the reality is I fall far short of good.
Friday, July 01, 2005
1. Exercise--maybe I'll take up swimming.
2. Get a pet--I'm sure the husband will say no.
3. Volunteer somewhere--maybe at an animal shelter, since a pet is out.
4. Guitar--with daily practice I might improve.
5. Write--Nah. I'm not motivated enough. I'll wait for November, I guess.
6. Connect with my friends more often--yes. This would be good.
7. Take up a daily scripture reading project--I'm sure this would help me immensely. I'm sure of it.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Me: I can't sleep.
JJ: Did I hear you? (an inside joke; he's obviously still conscious at this point)
Me: Yes, you heard me. What am I supposed to do?
JJ: (long, long pause....) Do a whole bunch of pull-ups. That'll make you tired.
Me: I can't even do one pull-up! Besides, where am I going to do these pull-ups?
JJ: On a pull-up bar.
Me: We don't have one.
JJ: Should we get one?
He went on in his delusional rambling for a while until I finally saw the futility of having a conversation with him, and I miraculously fell asleep.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
I'm starting to realize what my love languages are, though I'm not certain. (When are we going to finish reading the 5 Love Languages book, huh my dearest husband?) I would like to find out JJ's love language as well. So without taking the test, my guess is that my love languages are quality time and physical touch.
When I don't feel that I get enough of those things, I start to feel insecure. And that is when I start acting like a confusing brat. I have got to figure out a healthy, constructive way of communicating my needs, because the current method is definitely NOT working.
I'm just lucky my husband is so good to me anyway. I've been thinking about him all day today, about how blessed I am to have found such a good man. He truly deserves an award for putting up with me sometimes.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
My husband cuddles with me every night and morning. I can't tell you how safe and how loved I feel because of this. Recently we had a sort of fight, and had stopped talking to each other for a while (I hate it when this happens, but...). When we went to bed, we put our arms around each other and it wasn't long before we were talking again. I love the time I get to spend cuddling with JJ.
I love when my husband and I are sitting next to each other and he reaches over and touches me on the leg or arm. It's not a major thing, but every time he does it, I feel very reassured and loved.
JJ is also very patient. Don't get me wrong, he's got a temper--as do I. But he is always willing to listen to me, to work things through, and to go along with my quirky thought process.
My husband is generous. If I ask him for something, he will do it without questioning me. I am so blessed in this respect. If there's a way to make me happy, he will do it. It's definitely something I can learn from him. I love my husband very much, but sometimes my selfishness gets in the way of doing good for him. JJ is very unselfish in giving to me. And I love him for it.
Sometimes I can be pretty needy, and JJ doesn't get annoyed by it. Instead, he hugs me, or says he loves me for the millionth time that day, or does whatever I need to feel reassured. Bless him for that, because sometimes I just need reassurance.
I'm not saying our relationship is perfect. We have problems just like everybody else, some of them more difficult than others. But I cannot say it strongly enough--I married an incredible man and I am blessed beyond measure because of it.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
"Because they'll make you get new boobs."
I didn't know whether to be flattered that he didn't want me to have better boobs, or offended that he doesn't think my boobs are good enough for the exotic dancer lifestyle (though I know for a fact they're NOT!). I went with the former. He loves me the way I am, and that's all I care about.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Anyway, the wedding of our two friends Logan and Karen was beautiful. It was nice to hear a wedding ceremony other than our own, because I hardly heard a word of my own ceremony I was so happy and excited that day! We also got to see my sister Dooz run in a track meet. And visit with my grandparents and other family.
But all in all, it was an exhausting trip that I'm glad is over. I'm just grateful my husband puts up with me. He's a good man, that JJ.