Friday, July 29, 2005

on the eve of destruction

I lost it last night and cried and cried into my pillow. I couldn't help it. Today is another day, but so far I just feel sad. My life has been reduced to this: work eight hours at a moderately stressful job, go home, read a book so I don’t have to think about anything else, then try (unsuccessfully) to find food in the house, go out and get fast food, eat, go to sleep. Get up at 7am and start it all over again. Seriously, that’s it. I cannot continue with this for much longer.

Once again, I know it’s me who has to change. Circumstances will come and go, but I’m the only one who can make myself happy. But all those theories (that I’ve always believed in) are a bit harder to put into practice when hard times come knocking at the door.

It’s stupid—I’m feeling sorry for myself when in fact I shouldn’t be thinking about myself at all. It’s time to work on my attitude, I know it. But first, perhaps I’ll hole up in bed and watch movies all weekend and eat myself into oblivion. That’s my coping mechanism of choice.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

close to breaking point

I haven't posted for a while because I didn't want to be a downer. But I have to get words out.

J's mom is not doing well at all. She is now staying with us. J is at a breaking point, I can tell. I can't do much to help, and I'm stuck here at work all day worrying. I am nearly at a breaking point myself, but I want to stay strong for my husband. I just don't know how much longer I can.

The truth is, I'm worried too. I'm scared, I'm sad, I don't know what to do either.

I know God is watching out for us. I know deep down we can make it through this trial too, but at the moment it sure doesn't feel like it. I just feel so helpless right now. Sigh. And once again, I feel better for having written it down. We're going to make it. I've never faced such a difficult trial, but I've never had such a wonderful person right next to me to lean on, either.

Monday, July 18, 2005

busy weekend, busy week

This weekend didn't do the job of resting me up for the coming week. Friday after work, John and I went to visit his mom in the hospital (she was in a serious car accident last week...needless to say it's been a hard week, but she's doing okay now.).

After that we went to John's favorite restaurant (soon to be my favorite too--I am in love with their chips, and as far as I'm concerned, the chips are what make or break a mexican restaurant.), Los Olivos, and had dinner followed by fried ice cream. Yum.

We then saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which was surprisingly better than I thought it would be. It deviated from the book a bit, and went in a different direction from the original (which I love), but it was fun and unique. It's quirky, weird, and has Tim Burton's signature all over it. Overall, I think it's a movie worth seeing.

Saturday I got up pretty early and cleaned our house from top to bottom (it needed it!). Necessary, but not very relaxing. I finished around 4pm, showered, and then John got home from his all-day class. We went back to the hospital to visit his mom again, and stayed until 9pm. By the time we bought food and brought it home, I was exhausted. We watched part of a movie, and then I went to bed to read a bit. Here's the part where JJ and I had a disagreement that didn't get resolved until the next day. I didn't get to sleep until probably 1am.

Then it's up for church, bright and early Sunday morning. I had to go by myself because John had another all-day class. Boy was it lonely to sit by myself at church. :( After church I took a nap, the only thing that saved me from utter exhaustion. We spent the evening at my sister and brother-in-law's house, which was mucho fun. We played games and played with my adorable niece. Good times.

But now it's Monday, and I don't want to be here at work! Not at all. I need a vacation and I need one soon...

Friday, July 08, 2005

serious, contemplative entry

Since my last entry I’ve been doing some serious thinking about myself. I haven’t been very proud of some of my recent behavior (as I said in a previous post), and I realized I’ve been acting very selfishly. What I wanted was for things to change, but I didn’t understand that it was me who had to change. I was very frustrated, so I did some searching and found an article and a book.

The article I found-- “Divine Designs of Marriage”, by Laura Brotherson-- really spoke to me. It is from an LDS perspective, but I think the concepts can be pretty universal. This article has changed my perspective completely. If you’re married, check it out!

One thing the author says is, “Personal growth is not optional in marriage.” I noticed that! When I was single, I didn’t have to face some of my weaknesses like I do now, because now someone I love is affected by them.

She also says, “Accepting our spouse unconditionally may be one of the greatest lessons our spouse can help us learn.” If this isn’t the truth, I don’t know what is. Of course, that should be a given in marriage, but it just wasn’t sinking in for me. Plus, the way she words this lets me know that accepting someone unconditionally is a process we learn; it’s not necessarily inherent or easy.

Basically what I got from the article is that we’re imperfect, but we can learn to love each other unconditionally (which will allow us both to learn and grow at our own pace). And even though it’s not always easy, we can learn to meet each other’s needs if we’re willing to stretch and grow and work at it. (Meeting each other’s needs doesn’t always come naturally!) I have a long way to go, but I now have a starting point and something to work toward, and that makes me happy.

Anyway, I feel much happier than I did. Basically I was wallowing in self-pity, and I’m not going to do that anymore. The book I found Bonds that Make us Free: Healing our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves is helping me see what I need to change about myself and how to change it. (It’s serialized on the internet if you want to read the whole thing.) I haven't read very far into it, but it's amazing so far.

I’m serious about changing. I’m committed to becoming the person I know I should be. For myself and for my husband and future family, I will make whatever difficult changes are necessary.


p.s. Go visit my husband’s blog and say hi. He would love it. (And he also has more pictures of us over there.)

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

fourth of july weekend

The weekend ended way too quickly, even though I got Monday off. Here’s what we did:

Friday we went out to dinner.

Saturday we cleaned the house and then saw the movie Bewitched. (Don’t bother—the movie is harmless but boring. I kept focusing on making sure my bum didn’t fall asleep in the hard chairs rather than on the actual movie itself.)

Sunday was church, then finally introducing John to the magic of Parent Trap III and IV (He loved them, I know he did!) and then hanging out with John’s mom.

Monday we went “golfing” with my sister Hillari and BIL Keith and the favorite (and only) niece, Sareny. I say “golfing” because we just went to the golf course and played around in the chipping and putting area. I have to say, golfing was a LOT more fun than I expected it to be. Not that it’ll be my new favorite pastime, but…I won’t knock it as much as I used to. We then ate lunch, watched Hitch, an exasperating movie about a witch in heels who wins herself a handsome, charming, loving man even though she has no redeeming features beyond her beautiful face and gorgeous body. Oh, wait. That’s not the REAL story—it was actually about a surprisingly unspoiled, nice millionaire/goddess who falls in love with an average Joe. Either way, though, not the best movie ever. We ended the evening by watching the fireworks from our porch swing. Lovely.

The whole weekend was interspersed with episodes that I can’t fully explain. I acted childish and selfish and I think damaged my husband’s emotional well-being even though I set out intending to do the opposite.

Today I feel kind of dejected and sad. I try so hard to be a good wife, but the reality is I fall far short of good.

Friday, July 01, 2005

what if this is as good as it gets?

I need some serious distractions. And I'm going to think of some right now.

1. Exercise--maybe I'll take up swimming.
2. Get a pet--I'm sure the husband will say no.
3. Volunteer somewhere--maybe at an animal shelter, since a pet is out.
4. Guitar--with daily practice I might improve.
5. Write--Nah. I'm not motivated enough. I'll wait for November, I guess.
6. Connect with my friends more often--yes. This would be good.
7. Take up a daily scripture reading project--I'm sure this would help me immensely. I'm sure of it.