Friday, September 30, 2005
I watched an old movie last night – Cover Girl – a cheesy 1940s musical, but it only cheered me up a bit. I also decided to work out with weights, which made me feel better also. But I was still feeling pretty down, so I brought out my guitar and played all the sad songs I know how to play. That helped a lot. I’ve gotta remember to play more—my spirit was considerably lifted by singing and playing.
But the thing that helped most is that J talked with me for a long time. I think we both needed to talk, actually. And now I’m feeling 100% better. J is so good, and I feel very blessed to have him. And I have some direction for what I can work on to be a better wife. So…I’m back to feeling good, just like I knew I would.
I forgot to post that the other night J talked in his sleep again! It’s so fascinating to me. This time I didn’t say a word to him. He talked extensively in Albanian for about 5 minutes, and then switched over to Italian for the next 10 minutes. I don’t know what he was saying, but it was strange to listen to, because it sounded like a robot or something, just talking and talking. I think I heard the words heart attack, meat, and then a big list of vegetables and foods. Other than that, it was all greek to me.
The other day J said to me, “So what kind of dog do you want?” Is he softening? :)
Okay, last thing -- I realized in my car this morning on the way to work that I forgot to put deodorant on. Isn't that the worst feeling? (Or am I the only one who has forgotten such a vital thing?!)
Thursday, September 29, 2005
I’m sad today. I just need to put my feelings out there; I’m sure I’ll get over them shortly. Right now my thoughts and feelings are a jumble.
I had a nightmare last night. I woke up sad and didn’t know why. Then I remembered the contents of the nightmare. It was a sad dream and I couldn’t shake the feelings, even knowing it was just a dream.
I hate my job. The $9,000 raise I got in June increased my job satisfaction for a while, but now I’m back to empty again. My job is fairly thankless, the mistakes I make are pointed out abundantly, I’m constantly behind in my work, and I’ve had just about enough of it. At least I can say that I am learning new things and that I enjoy some of what I do. That’s probably the saving grace of the whole thing. I can last 7-8 more months, and then I want to be out of here. (Don’t tell anyone I work with, though.)
I’m lonely. I feel like I’m drifting along with no purpose and no reason to keep going. Today I just want to give up. I won’t, and I’m sure I’ll feel better soon, but today that’s how I feel. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe I should see a counselor like I keep telling myself I will...
Sigh. I guess it's hot chocolate and old movies for me tonight. Maybe that'll help. Maybe not.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Which I did. I’m so glad I waited to get married to the right person for me. I’m so glad I married JJ, the man of my dreams who sweeps me off my feet every single day. :)
Friday, September 23, 2005
Thursday, September 22, 2005
"hello. I'm just wondering about how you identify yourself. Do you define yourself as a wife just because it's a new part of who you are or do you truly feel that this is your new identity and you've left the rest behind? Sorry if this seems too intense or personal, but I'm just wondering from a feminist perspective. Good luck with the depressing days, I know how those go."
Interesting question and not too personal. Calling my blog “mrs ronk” definitely calls attention to my status as a wife. I think my reasons for identifying myself that way were really a combination of things.
For one, I was sick of my old blog site, and wanted a new one with a new name. This blog was created pretty much on a whim. My husband already had a site at blogger, which is what inspired me to switch over to blogger. His diary is “big ronk”. We had just gotten married when I started this blog, and it occurred to me to do a kind of twist on his blog. That part of it seemed natural—I didn’t have to agonize for days over the name and end up choosing some blog name I might later regret. (My former blog name—cryondemand—was based on my favorite musician and my emotional state at the time. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
I liked the name, and identifying myself as ‘mrs ronk’ doesn’t make me feel that I left my old identity behind at all. I’m still me. However, for me, getting married has changed my identity somewhat. My role as wife is very important to me and I’m not afraid to admit that. I’m not trying to hide my new identity as ‘wife’ nor let it obscure the other parts of me.
I do consider myself a feminist in some ways. Just ask my husband who has to deal with my diatribes sometimes! The funny thing is, in many cases I prefer the title ‘Ms.’, and my last name isn’t actually Ronk. So…what’s in a name?
I hope that clears it up. Thanks for asking.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Low of the day: I walked around on ASU campus today. I usually spend my day hovering over a computer screen and don’t venture onto the campus much. But today I did. Ironically, I did so to attend a class about general health—exercise, eating right, etc. They gave us a pedometer and then pumped us up for being healthy. Then I walked back to my office building, noticing all the beautiful young girls who are skinny, blond, and have perfect hair and makeup. It was completely depressing and cancelled all the benefits of the class I just took. Do you have to be under 21 and born with the right genes in order to be what’s hot right now? Sigh. Why I should care, I’m not sure. But I do. I want to be someone that people think ‘wow’ when they look at me. Today I just feel old and slightly unattractive. I’m sure I’ll get over it, and there are certainly more important things to think about…
High of the day: Something clicked for me today. It’s a very personal thing, and I’m not sure I could explain it even if I wanted to. So I’ll just say that I prayed for something this morning, something very specific. I prayed to understand a concept I’ve been wondering about and working on. Later on today I read something on lds.org -- a small paragraph that hit me like lightning. Suddenly I understood the concept like I never had before. Not only that, but I realized that my prayer had been answered. It might sound like a small thing, but it's a concept I felt was vitally important for me to understand right now. And now I do.
Monday, September 19, 2005
We were both in bed last night and it was really late, 11:30-ish (okay, late for me!). Suddenly, John is talking.
J: It’s all paid for.
H: What’s all paid for?
J: The resort.
H: Are we going to a resort? (I’m suddenly wishing that it’s true and he has booked a resort for us, even though logically I know he has not.)
J: We’re already there.
H: Oh. How nice.
Pause…I am about to drift to sleep again.
J: I need some little pillows. Call the front desk and have them send some.
H: I’ll call tomorrow. It’s late.
J: No, call now. They’re open 24 hours.
In other news, I had a sort of down weekend. I’ve just been worried about a few things, and by Sunday I was feeling pretty depressed. I was at church by myself (my husband had class all day) and all I wanted to do was run home and go back to bed. I didn’t though. I stayed, and I’m so glad I did. Several people shared personal stories, and it made me realize that everyone has trials and God is there to get me through mine. I’m going to be okay.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Behold the subconscious interior of my husband's random brain. (He's J and I'm H):
J: He shouldn’t sleep until September.
H: Who shouldn’t?
J: The guy in the green shirt.
J: Because, then he could be in the Guinness Book of World Records.
H: Who is this guy?
J: Just some guy.
H: He’s wearing a green shirt?
J: Yeah. In the picture. But he probably has other shirts.
H: Yeah. But maybe he just has one shirt.
J: That would be sad.
H: Would you give him some of your shirts?
J: Uh…yeah. But I don’t have his address.
J: Swipes frantically at his ear.
H: What’s wrong?
J: There was a frog in my ear.
H: No there wasn’t.
J: Yes there was.
H: Well, where did it go?
J: It hopped off.
H: Are you going to catch it?
J: Right now?
H: Yeah, if you want to.
J: No. It’ll be there in the morning.
Suddenly there is a loud knocking…sounds like it’s coming from the neighbor below us, but it’s hard to tell, and in light of J being so out of it, I am a little scared.
H: What was that?
J: The frog.
H: No, it wasn’t.
J: Yes it was.
H: Can we keep the frog as a pet?
J: Yeah. If it’s not poisonous. Do you have hard feet?
H: Yeah. Why?
J: If you touch a poisonous frog your skin will get soft.
J: Yeah. I stepped on a poisonous frog once and that’s what happened to my feet.
H: Uh…But seriously, what was that noise earlier?
J: I thought it was the frog.
J: While shuddering: Ow. I wish they’d give me some room.
J: These people. There’s tons of room and they’re crowding me.
H: Where are you?
J: On campus.
J: Shudders again. Ow. Stupid bicycle. I hate bicycles.
J: Shudders again: Ow!
H: What happened?
J: I tripped on a crack in the sidewalk.
H: (At this point I figured I better get him away from this painful dream.) J, it’s okay. You’re not on campus, you’re in bed with me.
J: No I’m not.
H: Yes you are. Don’t you feel me touching you?
J: Yeah; you’re on campus with me.
H: No, we’re in bed. Let’s go to sleep now.
J: But first we need to go to the job fair at the MU. Is it 3 yet?
H: No. It’s nighttime. We should go to bed and you can go to the job fair tomorrow.
J: But what if the job is taken?
H: It won’t be.
J: For credit card, please press one.
J: It’s a gas pump. Gas is expensive.
Somehow I finally got JJ to go to sleep. (Well, I think he was sleeping already, but I got him to settle down and stop talking!) I’ve heard of sleepwalking, but sleep talking is new to me. It’s a very strange phenomenon. It can be pretty entertaining…the stuff that randomly comes out of his head.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
I did enjoy seeing deer, skunk, turkey, and other wildlife. I enjoyed the beautiful sunsets that swept across the canyon, making the already beautiful rock formations turn even more brilliant colors. I like taking hikes and enjoying the peacefulness of nature. I also enjoyed sitting around the campfire (in my brand new camping rocking chair bought for me by my dear husband) and reading a book.
Here's what I don't love about camping: Not showering for three days. Loading up a bunch of crap that you have to set up once you get there so that you have a makeshift house. Only it's not a house, it's a nylon tent with an air mattress inside, and dirt gets everywhere and you can't stand up straight in your little 'house'. It almost always involves freezing at night. You also pack up a bunch of food and cooking paraphernalia and utensils. Then you get to make the meals on this little stove all the while ignoring the dirt everywhere. And THEN, three days later, you have to take it all apart and pack it all up again. Then it's home again, where you get to unload it all.
Somehow that's just not my idea of fun. It sounds like something for a masochist. Give me a hotel and breakfast in bed; that's what I'm all about!
Camping rant aside, I did have fun. Here's the proof:
This is me and J at a scenic part of the Grand Canyon. If we look a little dirty and gross and smelly, that's because we are! I'm holding our adorable niece who loved camping and loved US even more--we are her favorite aunt and uncle, hands down. :)