Wednesday, October 19, 2005

hey, it's all one big crapshoot anywho

My plan to look good isn’t going quite as well as I had hoped.

The good news is that I have consistently worn my step counter, and have increased my daily average by 500 steps each week. So that means this week I’m up to 6,500 steps per day. (When I first started, my average was 4,000 steps a day.) That probably doesn’t sound like much to many of you, but it involves me taking a 20-minute walk every day at lunch. I’ve also started doing a weight workout once a week—the goal is at least twice a week, but we’re talking baby steps here. I’m pretty proud of my efforts in this realm.

The eating has not gone as well. I somehow manage to sabotage myself at every turn. I eat yogurt and a granola bar for breakfast, fruits and veggies for snacks, a healthy lunch, and then I pig out in the evening on greasy Mexican food takeout and top it off with ice cream. I get nowhere doing that. Probably because of this, my stomach looks as big as before (or bigger). I get discouraged.

You know what else is discouraging? The instructors of my health and wellness class. The nutrition expert is chubby. The exercise expert is built like a linebacker, and not all of that is muscle. Are they not following their own advice? Because at the end of this course, I want to look and feel a little better than I did when I started. I’m discouraged, but I’m not giving up.

Tonight, one of my best friends will be dyeing my hair. Saturday I’m getting it cut. And someday very soon, I’m hopefully going to be wearing these . Or these.

And very soon I’m going to call a counselor for my emotional health. I’ve been trying to make the call for a couple of weeks now, but I’m scared. I know I need it, it’s just hard for me to pick up the phone and do it. But it’s time. I want to make myself and my marriage into something better, and I know this is the way to do it. I’m just scared of revealing my thoughts and feelings to someone—I have a problem being vulnerable. (Hence, why I need to get counseling in the first place.)

It sounds funny—a person (me) who puts a blog up for anyone to stumble upon is scared to reveal her true thoughts and feelings. But it’s different on a blog. I edit my thoughts here. I don’t generally blog about the bad stuff, or the problems I have, or the emotional mess I am sometimes. Can you see why this would be a problem in a marriage? My fear of revealing my true self sometimes prevents me from being a full, true partner to my husband, and that is not acceptable to me. I think a counselor can help me with that. There are more issues to deal with, but that is a big one. (Wow...I wasn’t even sure where to start with counseling, but writing it out has pointed out one of my main problems!)

Anywho, I’m still alive. I’m working on my goals, and I’m trying to become a better person (both inside and out). I’m just getting exhausted by the effort.


Abel said...

I say start your day with the greesy food! It stays with you. :-)

kimbo said...

Good for you on your goal! It takes a lot to keep it up. And I am totally with you on the instructors. What's with that? How did your hair dyeing go? Oh, I love the frames you picked out. Can you get both? Is it cheaper if you get them just for cosmetics and not prescription? I'd do that (assuming you have contacts too). Or buy one pair for cosmetics and have the others prescription. Of course, I am HORRIBLE at making choices, and I'm sure you'll make the right choice. :) I am so proud of you for taking charge of your emotional health. It is so, so, so important and freaking hard to face up to what you need to do. Good luck with finding a good counselor and everything. That's one tough step and I am so impressed you're going to do it! Sorry about the novel length here. Anyway, I'm proud of you!

holli jo said...

kimbo: Thanks sooo much for the kind words and encouragement. You have no idea how much that means to me. I sure hope I get to meet you someday...

Also, have you thought about starting your own blog? I'd love to read it...