I lost it last night and cried and cried into my pillow. I couldn't help it. Today is another day, but so far I just feel sad. My life has been reduced to this: work eight hours at a moderately stressful job, go home, read a book so I don’t have to think about anything else, then try (unsuccessfully) to find food in the house, go out and get fast food, eat, go to sleep. Get up at 7am and start it all over again. Seriously, that’s it. I cannot continue with this for much longer.
Once again, I know it’s me who has to change. Circumstances will come and go, but I’m the only one who can make myself happy. But all those theories (that I’ve always believed in) are a bit harder to put into practice when hard times come knocking at the door.
It’s stupid—I’m feeling sorry for myself when in fact I shouldn’t be thinking about myself at all. It’s time to work on my attitude, I know it. But first, perhaps I’ll hole up in bed and watch movies all weekend and eat myself into oblivion. That’s my coping mechanism of choice.
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"Once again, I know it’s me who has to change. Circumstances will come and go, but I’m the only one who can make myself happy. But all those theories (that I’ve always believed in) are a bit harder to put into practice when hard times come knocking at the door."
Coping Mechanisms... I guess we all have them. My problem, is that when times get tough, I don't continue doing the things I know I should do to cope. My faith tends to wane, I stop going to church, start drinking... not a lot, but still drinking once a week is a lot for me. (I really hate getting drunk)
Actually, I've been spending a lot of time in the gym and on my bike. So that has been my major coping mechanism.
My point is that I'm not doing the things that I know I should do to cope with the problems I've been having with Cheryl.
My pastor called the other day wondering where I've been. He's well aware of the problems we're having.
But I understand about not wanting to be a downer. But write anyway. It's a better coping mechanism than some of the other things we do, ya know?
Thanks for your comments and and words of encouragement. Cheryl's coming home today, and I really am not looking forward to it. ~Rick
grad school is a great place to escape if your job is less than fulfilling...
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