story of my life

I have put off writing this entry because of how angry I get just thinking about it. There aren’t words for the disgust and frustration I feel after getting a haircut last weekend. (And just how many times do I have to get a bad haircut, huh? Where is the justice? Where is the reprieve? Why can’t I have nice hair FOR ONCE?!!!)

My hairstylist did an amazing job two months ago, giving me a fabulous haircut. To me it felt edgy, sexy, and fairly natural (natural, that is, after I showered out the “poof” she styled my hair into.) I was so happy and impressed, but I knew that it was most likely a one-time fluke.

So after she cut my hair last weekend, I nearly cried I was so sad. I look mousy, babyish. Dull. I don’t even know how to describe what makes this cut bad; I can’t tell what she did differently. I just know that two months ago I felt sexy, and today I feel bland and not worth a second look. And my self-esteem has taken a dive because of it.

But I don’t understand how the same stylist could do such a bad job when she did so well the first time. And I don’t even know how to explain what I actually want, because I don’t know what the difference is!

So I look in a mirror and feel bad. I feel very, very unattractive. And I would love to kick my hairstylist.

nickel creek p.s.

p.s. I meant to add in my last post: We were so close to the stage that I could see that Sean Watkins has a lisp. The venue was standing room only :( but I truly enjoyed being so close to the musicians.

post-concert thoughts.

I meant to give a report on the Andrew Bird & Nickel Creek concert we went to on Wednesday. It was simply amazing. Andrew Bird was the opening act, and John and I had heard some of his songs, but they are NOTHING compared to his performance live. I was in love with his voice from the time that he opened his mouth. I tried to think of a word that could describe what I loved about it, and all I came up with was pure. Andrew Bird’s voice is clear and pure and doesn’t need any backup. But, if you read my husband’s blog, he described all the interesting instruments he used. Amazingly talented man. Wow. Just wow.

Andrew Bird was so amazing and unusual, however, that (in my opinion) he outperformed Nickel Creek, and their show was just a little bit lacking by comparison. And Nickel Creek was very good, don’t get me wrong. Andrew Bird just blew me away and was such a pleasant surprise. I’d see him live again.

Anyway, I was talking to a friend about how lucky I am to have such a thoughtful, perceptive husband who thinks to do something like that for me, and she told me it’s beyond lucky: that I found a rare, wonderful man. I couldn’t agree more; it’s just a little overwhelming to know that someone that good happened to me.

the disney report, days 3, 4, and 5

Well, to sum it all up:

Rides were ridden. Churros were eaten (but not enough of them. There’s never enough churro eating.) We got sick as dogs and kept on pushing and shoving at Disneyland anyway. We were beyond exhausted and kept getting up at 6am anyway.

John met Mickey.
























We met Pluto.


















And yes, on our last day there, we finally met the pardoned turkey. Our work at Disneyland was done.


















So until next time, we truly overloaded on Disneyland. I’ve had my fill for the next few years, anyway!

dream interpretation

The other day I dreamed I was married to some creep and was in the middle of a messy divorce. John was my divorce lawyer. It turns out that my divorce lawyer and I have an affair.

I told John about my dream.

Me: Interpret this dream for me.
John: Um...we're meant to be together no matter what?

hands down, my husband is the best

What an interesting weekend we had. I pretty much acted like a jerkface to my husband. Or, as I started saying after we watched part of Elf, I’m a cotton-headed ninny muggins. I tried not to act that way, but the more I tried, the worse it got. I had built up some resentment, and instead of talking about it, I acted not very nice. Yeah, not the best thing to do.

Then at church on Sunday, we had a lesson on forgiveness in Sunday school. John and I are in a “couples” Sunday School class, and it’s an 8-week course on how to be a better spouse. I have really enjoyed it. But anyway, the lesson was on forgiveness, and I realized that I desperately needed forgiveness for the way I had been treating my husband. And I realized that resentment was poisoning me and I needed to stop.

So after church we talked…and talked…and talked. I think it went amazingly well. I’m proud of the way were able to talk about difficult and somewhat painful topics without getting defensive or angry. We’ve worked hard to be able to interact this way. Anyway, from this conversation I learned how much I’ve been hurting my husband by my actions. And I learned what a remarkable and wonderful husband I have. When he understood the concern I had, he hugged me. And then he said something like, “I won’t tell you that things will be better; you will see it in my actions.” I know he means it.

And I mean it too. I felt terrible when I learned how I’ve been hurting my husband, and I don’t want to do that anymore.

To top it all off, at the end of the day, my husband presented me with a card. Our nine-month anniversary is today (yeah!), and the card was a sweet Christmas card that contained an early Christmas/anniversary present: tickets to go see Nickel Creek on Wednesday! I was shocked. First, he noticed that I love Nickel Creek, second he noticed that they were going to be in town. Third, he did something about it! Wow. I felt so loved. He’s the best. Truly.

the disney report, day 2

Disneyland, Day 2 (Thursday)

It didn’t feel like Thanksgiving, waking up at 6am and eating a substandard breakfast at the hotel continental breakfast. It’s a free breakfast, so beggars can’t be choosers, but they didn’t even serve name-brand cereal. I was forced to eat “Tasty Flakes” or something.

We made it to Disneyland just before its opening. A few of us had gotten there earlier and held our place in line, but we felt a little awkward when the 5 people in line were joined by about 15 people. Sorry, all you people behind us in line. We’re a big family.

Surprisingly, Grandma and Frank were nowhere to be seen. I pictured them back at their hotel, snuggling in bed together, enjoying their time alone. Kind of cute, if a little weird to picture your grandma as a newlywed. In reality, though, I think what really happened is that Frank was tired and Grandma couldn’t get him out of bed.

So our first ride was Splash Mountain, and some of us, including me and John, got SOAKED! Two rides later we were on Pirates of the Caribean and got soaked again! Seriously, my underwear felt squishy. I sat down and left a butt print behind when I got up. The wetness was unpleasant, but we pressed onward. By the end of the day, we had ridden just about all the major rides.

We did sneak a nap in during the middle of the day, though. The plan was to nap during the day so we could stay at Disneyland until midnight. But after the nap we felt more disoriented than rested.

Then we were right back at it—pushing and shoving our way through the park. Thanksgiving day was just plain crowded. I don’t mind a small crowd, but Disneyland can be ridiculous. Especially when we got caught at the end of a parade, walking 50 steps an hour, or when John and I were caught between a Mickey siting and a million screaming kids; well…me no likey.

We also managed to eat a Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant near Disneyland. Let’s just say it was pretty good for having been cooked in a restaurant made to serve hundreds of old people some really cheap food. In other words, imagine eating Thanksgiving dinner at Denny’s, and you’ve got a picture of our dinner. But it was fun to be all together, and the food wasn’t horrible.

I don’t think we quite made it until midnight that night, but we were close. I do know we rode Big Thunder Mountain three times in a row, all within the space of about 10 minutes. We love screaming on that ride. For some reason (Howdy partners. This here is the wildest ride in the WILDERNESS!), it’s a family favorite.

So we went to bed tired, knowing we’d be up at 6am again the next morning. To be continued…

Picture of the day. Here’s John and I in line for the Matterhorn. Can you tell we are still wet?

the disney report, day 1

I’m finally getting around to our vacation play-by-play. Disneyland during Thanksgiving is not recommended. It’s crowded. It’s germ filled. (Which is why I took so long to post—I’ve been sick!) But we did it, and we survived. This is the report:

Disneyland, Day 1 (Wednesday)

Our hotel is seriously 30 feet from the gate to Disneyland. It may smell weird and have a crappy continental breakfast, but it’s all about location.

My dad took my neice Sareny to Downtown Disney, and immediately bought her a sweatshirt. We didn’t see that one coming…The rest of us joined them a little later, but I wasn’t so impressed. It’s just a dubiously Disney themed outdoor mall that’s overpriced simply because it’s right by Disneyland. I don’t think so.

We met my grandma’s husband Frank for the first time. She got married in a whirlwind romance (can that really happen in your 70s?) – they started dating in August; got married in October. Frank is nice enough, but I think everyone – including my grandma! – is comparing him to my grandpa who died about three years ago. Competing with a memory is difficult, I’m sure. My sister Cassidy actually started crying (not in front of him, of course). She cannot really come to terms with my grandma loving any man other than my grandpa.

We exchanged Disneyland “surprises” that first day. Every time we go to Disneyland, we make each other some kind of surprise related to Disneyland. Sometimes we get a little elaborate, but it’s fun! Cassidy & her fiancé James created a cute Mickey maze, and made Mickey cookies. My dad made lists of all the ‘hidden mickeys’ in Disneyland (A hidden mickey, for those of you who are wondering, is, in a nutshell: Within the Disneyland park are strategically arranged items, like dinner plates on a table, that resemble Mickey's head. They're usually semi-hidden, and fun to find.), and offered prizes to those who found the most hidden mickeys. Hillari & Alexis made a fun word game. Jake & Liz gave us the Indiana Jones decoder pins. John and I created a photo book that contained several pictures taken at Disneyland. The first picture is a close-up and they had to guess where in Disneyland the picture was taken before they turn the page and see. For example, do you know where this picture was taken?:

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Here's the answer:

We ended the evening at a restaurant down the street to celebrate my sister Cassidy’s 21st birthday. John secretly got the waiter to bring out desert and sing Happy Birthday. Good times. Good food.

Oh yes, and let's not forget that we argued back and forth over which ride would be first the next morning. We finally agreed on Splash Mountain, and then went to bed knowing we'd be getting up at 6am the next morning!

To be continued…

Happy Thanksgiving!!

We're off to the happiest place on earth to spend Thanksgiving with 50,000 of our closest friends. My husband sent me this link this morning. It's nice to know that we'll also get to see the pardoned turkey during our stay at Disneyland!

And just because I can, and because I just pulled out these wedding pictures, I leave you with a photo from my second reception, held in an art gallery in Scottsdale. (Photo taken by TK.) In the picture we are in a small gathering of friends and family, exchanging rings for the benefit of those who were not able to be with us in the temple on our wedding day. It was a surprisingly touching moment, because we both got to share our feelings about each other. The gouged wall behind us is actually a piece of art hanging on the wall.

hot kisses

I went to the chiropractor yesterday, and it reminded me of something that happened last time I went…

I’ve been seeing the chiropractor for pain in my forearm, and as a treatment, she massages this icy hot type of gel onto my arm. That night, while sitting on the couch, J randomly started kissing my arm. Keep in mind this is not typical behavior. It’s not like he kisses my arm on a regular basis, but for some reason, he did that day. In fact, he kissed it several times.

Then, a minute later he turned to me with lips puckered and said, “Why are my lips numb?” I laughed and laughed when I realized he had been kissing on my icy hot. Hee hee.

new york doll

Before I post anything else, I have to say this:

I just saw the most amazing movie this weekend. It's called New York Doll, and it blew me away.

The film is a documentary that centers around Arthur "Killer" Kane, a founding member of the influential band the New York Dolls, but this is not a movie about a glam-rock band. The band broke up a few short years after its inception, and Kane struggled to find his niche in life, eventually joining the LDS church, but this is not a film about religion. This is a film about the beauty and humanity of one man.

If you have the chance, see this film! I guarantee you will not be disappointed. Right now it's only available in the NYC, LA, SLC, and Phoenix areas, though it is expanding to other areas soon. If you live in AZ, it's showing at Harkins Centerpoint in Tempe. Go see this movie. And then tell me what you think.

this is halloween everybody make a scene

We did indeed have a murder mytery party with my family. It was scandalous, but luckily nobody had an affair with either of my parents (though my sister did supposedly kiss my fiance). I had never done one of those before, and I found that it was much more fun than I thought it would be. Here we are as Tara Misou and her fiance Rocco Scarfazzi:

We are a handsome Italian couple, no? In any case, good times were had by all. And, at the end of the evening, my niece accomplished something I haven't been able to do even once in my life:

Amazing! I was fully impressed.

I have a ghost story just in time for Halloween, but I'm going to save it for next post. :) Until then, goodnight.

tgif

I finally did it—I saw the counselor. And I haven’t felt this good in a long time. I was able to talk through a lot of things, and she was very optimistic about the eventual outcome of this whole counseling thing. Because of that, I feel so much better about the issues and problems I’ve been worried about. It was as if the words I spoke lifted a weight right off my chest. I’m so glad I finally called.

And in other news, my parents and sister are coming into town this weekend. We’re going to see my niece dressed up at her ‘Trunk-or-treat’ (costume still TBD), attend Sparky’s FestDevil, and perhaps have our own murder mystery party…should be an interesting weekend.

I’m so glad it’s Friday! Someone walked into our office just now with plates of sandwiches and fruit—always a welcome sight, but quite the party on a Friday afternoon. Our office is frequently the recipient of leftover food from catered meetings. Yum. What a way to end the week.

Have a good weekend!

we eat ham and jam and spam a lot!

That's it. Enough with the spam already. I am now turning on the comment feature that makes it so if you're going to comment on my site, you have to type in the word you see. This should prevent any more spam from happening. Some of the spam seemed harmless, but a pornography one pushed me over the edge. (I delete the spam comments, so that's why I'm ranting away about spam and you don't see what I'm talking about anywhere on my site.)

Anyway, sorry for the inconvenience--to all you real people, please keep commenting! I appreciate all of your comments.

love,
HJ

when you're young you get sad

Geraldine is the made up name for a rabbit that I almost had. A couple of days ago I got an email from a lady who couldn’t keep her rabbit any longer and was giving it away to a good home. (Through freecycle. You should check it out if you’ve never heard of it—it’s like recycling; you give other people the stuff you don’t want anymore.)

The rabbit was litter box trained, friendly, sweet. I e-mailed the lady but I was too late. She had given it to someone else, but by then we had already named the rabbit, for crying out loud. She was mine, and then suddenly she wasn’t.

I don’t think you can understand how sad I was when I didn’t get this rabbit. Probably it’s for the best, but I’ve been confused and sad lately, and I thought maybe Geraldine would help me feel better. I’m sad. But it’s not really because I didn’t get Geraldine. I’m just a little lost right now.

NaNoWriMo blues

In the year 2002, I participated in NaNoWriMo. If you haven’t heard of it, that stands for National Novel Writing Month. November is the month, and in 2002, I wrote a whole novel during the month of November. It is an accomplishment I am quite proud of, because it definitely wasn’t easy.

I didn’t participate during 2003 or 2004 because of grad school—I would have gone crazy. I was so looking forward to NaNoWriMo 2005 so I could write my second novel. But November 1 is fast approaching, and I find that my heart just isn’t in it. I want to do it—the thrill of writing a novel in a month (along with 20,000 other people!) and knowing that you accomplished something that difficult and big, well, there’s nothing like that feeling.

So what’s keeping me from signing up? Why am I not dreaming up plots, developing characters, and listening in on other people’s conversations for inspiration? (Haha. Listening in on conversations is fun to do, and often quite inspirational!) It’s plain my heart isn’t in it, and I can’t write 50,000 words in one month without a whole lot of conviction and heart. I almost quit halfway through the month (when I had written 25,000 words already!) the first time I participated, so I KNOW that NaNoWriMo is not for the faint of heart.

If something changes by November 1, then I’ll go at it full force! I guess I just don’t know why I’m so lethargic about it…Anyone out there thinking of participating this year? Anyone willing to try and help psych me up for this?

Oh, p.s. This shirt makes nanowrimo awfully tempting...

So NOW who's with me? For those about to write, we salute you.

hey, it's all one big crapshoot anywho

My plan to look good isn’t going quite as well as I had hoped.

The good news is that I have consistently worn my step counter, and have increased my daily average by 500 steps each week. So that means this week I’m up to 6,500 steps per day. (When I first started, my average was 4,000 steps a day.) That probably doesn’t sound like much to many of you, but it involves me taking a 20-minute walk every day at lunch. I’ve also started doing a weight workout once a week—the goal is at least twice a week, but we’re talking baby steps here. I’m pretty proud of my efforts in this realm.

The eating has not gone as well. I somehow manage to sabotage myself at every turn. I eat yogurt and a granola bar for breakfast, fruits and veggies for snacks, a healthy lunch, and then I pig out in the evening on greasy Mexican food takeout and top it off with ice cream. I get nowhere doing that. Probably because of this, my stomach looks as big as before (or bigger). I get discouraged.

You know what else is discouraging? The instructors of my health and wellness class. The nutrition expert is chubby. The exercise expert is built like a linebacker, and not all of that is muscle. Are they not following their own advice? Because at the end of this course, I want to look and feel a little better than I did when I started. I’m discouraged, but I’m not giving up.

Tonight, one of my best friends will be dyeing my hair. Saturday I’m getting it cut. And someday very soon, I’m hopefully going to be wearing these . Or these.


And very soon I’m going to call a counselor for my emotional health. I’ve been trying to make the call for a couple of weeks now, but I’m scared. I know I need it, it’s just hard for me to pick up the phone and do it. But it’s time. I want to make myself and my marriage into something better, and I know this is the way to do it. I’m just scared of revealing my thoughts and feelings to someone—I have a problem being vulnerable. (Hence, why I need to get counseling in the first place.)

It sounds funny—a person (me) who puts a blog up for anyone to stumble upon is scared to reveal her true thoughts and feelings. But it’s different on a blog. I edit my thoughts here. I don’t generally blog about the bad stuff, or the problems I have, or the emotional mess I am sometimes. Can you see why this would be a problem in a marriage? My fear of revealing my true self sometimes prevents me from being a full, true partner to my husband, and that is not acceptable to me. I think a counselor can help me with that. There are more issues to deal with, but that is a big one. (Wow...I wasn’t even sure where to start with counseling, but writing it out has pointed out one of my main problems!)

Anywho, I’m still alive. I’m working on my goals, and I’m trying to become a better person (both inside and out). I’m just getting exhausted by the effort.

speaking of manicures

I purchased a nail buffer at the store yesterday. The buffer has two sides - one buffs, the other shines. I tried it on myself and was amazed at how nice my nails looked. I demonstrated it to JJ by trying it out on one of his fingers. He was fascinated. Next thing I know, I'm buffing and shining all his fingernails at his request. ;)

you're so vain, you probably think this post is about you

I have a goal to look good. Actually, the goal is to look damn good. Is that shallow? JJ tells me it’s not a shallow goal, but I feel a bit vain verbalizing it. However, feeling vain is not enough to stop me. I’m very focused on this.

As I said before, I’m taking a class on health and nutrition, and I’ve made changes in my lifestyle. I walk A LOT more than I ever did. On my lunch hours I take walks instead of sit at my desk. I’ve started working out with weights a couple times a week. I’ve also stopped eating candy and junk during the day and have exchanged them for fruit and vegetable snacks.

I’m doing these things because I want to look good, not necessarily because I want to be healthy. Everyone always says “I’m doing it to be healthy”, not “I want to look hot.” But hey, I’m not afraid to admit it.

I found a cool hairstyle that I want, and I’m going to dye my hair darker brown and put red highlights in it. I’m getting new glasses (The ones I wear are at least two years old. And I am unable to wear contacts for the time being). I’m going to get up early enough to do my hair every day rather than put it in a ponytail like I usually do.

I even plan to get a new wardrobe, though that part will be tricky—I don’t exactly have any money in my budget for that…We’ll see. Get this, I even bought some manicure equipment and am going to do my nails and toenails on a regular basis.

I’m serious about this. I’m tired of feeling unattractive. I want to feel sexy. Could this have something to do with the fact that my birthday is approaching faster than ever? Probably. Let’s face it, I’m turning 31 in three months. 30 was okay, because it just rounds out the 20s. But 31, that means I’m IN my 30s. Yikes! I don’t want to look like a middle-aged housewife or something. Not that there’s danger of that right now…I’m just majorly into prevention in this instance.

It doesn’t help that JJ is turning 25 this year. He loves to remind me that I’m practically his grandma. :) Okay, he’s not that bad. But still. Here’s what I want. When people see us, I want them to think I’m younger than he is. So far, people think of us as the youngster married couple. What they don’t know won’t hurt them! I just want to keep it that way.

So anyway, I’ll keep you posted on the looking good goal. I’ll even post pictures of my hair when I get it done. Thanks for listening, and don't think I'm too vain!

you think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys?

Okay, my last entry was quite a rant, wasn’t it? What I failed to mention is that there are some days when I accomplish very little at work. I can’t focus, and I don’t get much done. I get grouchy and less pleasant on those days, and Tuesday was one of them. I also didn’t mention that my supervisor is one of the nicest human beings out there. She really doesn’t know that her actions are hurtful.

Not that I don’t plan to leave soon. It’s time for me to become a librarian, and I know it. The good thing is that JJ and I sat down together this past weekend and discussed our dreams and goals. We each wrote out the things we are working toward, and it seems so much more real now that the goals are in black and white. So things at work are bearable because I have a game plan.

I’ll probably be writing in here about some of those goals. In fact, if I weren’t so busy/lazy all the time, I’d be writing in here a lot! Nearly every day something happens to me and I wonder, “Should I blog about that?” I practically have an incident all typed out in my head while it’s simultaneously happening to me.

Speaking of “Should I blog about that?”, something funny happened to me yesterday at the public library. When I told the story to JJ, he laughed like crazy and voted no on me blogging about it. Here’s a hint: it involves bathrooms and me not being able to hold it…but, I guess I’ll have a little propriety and not post it. Even though it’s funny!