on and on the rain will fall, like tears from a star

I am seeking, I am striving, I am in with all my heart. –Vincent van Gogh


The past couple of days I have been basically going through withdrawal. I don’t care what the pharmaceutical companies say, that’s what it is. I am discontinuing the use of one of my medications, and it has been hell trying to come off of it.

I have major vertigo. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling as though a metal rod had been shoved through my brain. I am very sick to my stomach. I want to lie down in bed all day, but instead I’m at work trying to appear normal.

The worst of all is the emotional symptoms. Not good. Not good at all. I am extremely fragile right now. That’s all I’ll say about that.

The good news is that I’m starting to see what my goals in life should be. I feel like a caterpillar making a cocoon. My goals are in their infancy stage, and I’m wrapping myself up in them, letting them ruminate a while as I hibernate. Then, sometime later I will emerge as a beautiful creature with a life path.

That’s how I feel, anyway. I don’t have all the answers, but I feel ideas forming in the back of my brain.

I’m probably not making sense to anyone but me. Or, more likely, no one reads this blog anyway, so it doesn’t make a difference.

--H

How fragile we are; how fragile we are.

beating a horse

I have a theory that newscasters cannot go one day without mentioning New Orleans/Katrina at least once. Seriously. Have you watched the news when they didn't mention it?

I counted today, and there were five separate mentions. In one news program.

America doesn't care about anything for more than five minutes. Why, then, are they beating us over the head with it? Almost a year after the fact?

whiskey in the jar

I feel better today, thanks. That's because I have a wonderful husband who listened to everything I needed to get out of my system, including a good cry. And he gives good hugs.

So I'm doing better. Except I'm soooo tired. John and I hung out with a few of his former professors last night at 'Pub Quiz,' which is basically a bunch of people eating and drinking (drinking lots!) at an Irish restaurant while answering trivia questions and trying to win the grand prize.

J and I participated in the quiz aspect, not the pub. It was great fun, even though I didn't contribute much. (I swear, my brain is nearly useless. LOTS of information goes in, but not so much comes out. As a one-time humanities major, my brain is FULL of trivial knowledge. Can I pull any of it out when I need it? No. I guess my dream of being on Jeopardy! is never going to be realized.)

Our team won the grand prize! And we got home late and fell into bed. I had a nightmarish dream involving Paul Reubens trying to molest me while I tried to escape from him (yikes, where did I come up with THAT?!!). That combination caused me to wake up fully exhausted; not rested at all.

blue to the bone

So I dropped the two classes I was going to take this summer -- fitness and nutrition. It wasn't the right time, and I don't feel like doing homework at the moment. Nor do I feel like paying $100 for one textbook.

Good riddance. Now I can focus my attention on...what? I always come back to this. I like to read books. I like to watch movies. I like to exercise. I like to eat. I'm working toward getting fit and losing the weight I gained this past year. Because of that I am loving exercise more than I ever thought possible. But after that, then what? I don't really have any goals. I go home at night and I play on the Internet because I can't think of anything better to do.

This entry is quickly turning into a sad one, and I didn't mean for that to happen. I just feel so lost right now. I feel like I'm missing out on something important.

this has been a good week

I have a SparkPeople update. I weighed in on Friday, and I've lost another pound and a half! Which is good, because I was getting quite frustrated about the scale not budging for me. But I’ve been eating better and exercising more, and it’s starting to show. Yay me!

Someone else I know and love also lost a few pounds, but I won’t post his info unless he clears me to!

And guess what else? John dyed my hair! I dyed his black, he dyed mine red. It was quite the party. Except when I sat down and the chair leg was on top of John’s foot. Ow. Not so fun. But he did a good job on my hair.

And I don’t know how or why it happened, but I am addicted to The Apprentice. There’s nothing I can do about it now except watch this thing through to the bitter end. Then I need to shun the tv, because I just get addicted to dumb shows when I watch.

I had a really good weekend, by the way. We hung out with friends on Friday, and as friends seem to be in short supply these days, we enjoy the ones we have. Then on Saturday my whole family came to visit, and we went swimming, toured the Mystery Castle, ate at the TGIFriday’s overlooking Chase Field, and held a Murder Mystery party. Oh, AND we played DDR until we collapsed. Good, good times.

Also, because we had family coming, our house is so clean! I love it. It feels so good to be in a clean house.

So life is good. And getting better every day.

Join the revolution!

We did something I never saw myself agreeing to – we bought a Playstation2 on Monday. Why did I agree to this? I hate video games, I hate the killing games they make, I hate how my brother spent most of his childhood in front of a computer screen.

But, I LOVE Dance Dance Revolution!!! John and I have been contemplating the purchase of a treadmill for exercise. But a treadmill is very expensive and very large. So…I came up with the idea of buying DDR for our exercise. Two days later, (on Monday of this week) we came home from BestBuy with all the materials needed.

I was (and still am) so excited! It's the most brilliant invention ever. And we’ve been playing it faithfully ever since we bought it. I don’t have much coordination, so DDR is pretty challenging for me, but it’s so fun! I never thought I would enjoy exercise this much. Here's to losing weight while having loads of fun.

Anyway, if you know us in real life, come over and play with us! Consider yourself invited.

K is for...

S'mee gave me this lovely assignment, which is to share 10 things that are important to me that start with the letter 'K.'

If you'd like to play too, leave me a comment and I'll assign you a letter. In your blog you'll write 10 things that start with that letter that are important to you and explain why. Easy!

Here goes mine:

Keepsakes – I’m very bad at printing photographs and displaying them, but because of recent events where our hard drive was destroyed along with many photos, I’m going to change my ways!

Kissing – Well, who doesn’t like kissing? But I like it even more. :) Good thing John is such a good kisser. Hee!

Kin – What can I say? My family is my life.

Kids – I’ve always felt a special bond with kids. We just relate. I love holding babies, playing with kids, reading to them, and generally hanging out.

Kittens – There’s not much cuter than a baby kitty. Or a baby anything.

Kites – Kites are fun to fly. It’s also fun to be at the park on a perfect, sunny day with someone you love. Kite is optional.

Kindness – I would like to be as kind and loving as most people believe I am. I don't think kindness can ever be overemphasized.

Knowledge – I love learning new things. I love school so much I’m still going! I always joked to my mom that I would be a professional student. I guess I wasn’t really joking.

Kicks – I’m known for saying “I’ll kick him in the head (or other body part best not named)” when I’m mad at someone. So three cheers for kicks!

Knitting – After trying to learn to knit for a year in Bulgaria, I realize that it’s much easier to learn in English. I finally know how. Of course, I actually like crocheting more, but that doesn’t begin with ‘K’, does it?

i think i'm right

This was in the Ariozona Republic on April 8th, and it makes me mad:

Biodesign chief sets challenges

As a drug-company executive for 17 years, George Poste knew the perils of slumping sales: less money for research, slower growth and possible layoffs. Now, as head of the Biodesign Institute at Arizona State University, Poste wants his staff to face the same consequences. Under him, each researcher must generate $225 in federal or private grants for each square foot of space he or she occupies or lose lab space and maybe points in a performance review. It's not the typical accountability measure in academe, but Poste makes no apologies.

"That is tragically the Darwinian model," Poste said. Those who can't compete shouldn't be carried by other researchers or the university, he said. "(Otherwise) it's a form of academic welfare. Dispense with it."

So basically, if your research makes lots of money, you’re good, but if it doesn’t, you’re gone. This is exactly the type of corporate crap that I think will be the downfall of universities. Researching everything (even the non-money makers) is important, but I think it’s even more important in the medical field.

What this means is that potentially important medical discoveries may never be made because they aren’t going to make millions of dollars for the university.

This is good for ASU’s budget. Not so very good for humanity.

this post is dedicated to the one i love

My husband graduates with his MPA today, and I'm so proud of him. I just had to post and say congrats to him! He won the award for best scholar-citizen in Public Affairs, AND he's at the top of his class GPA-wise. Not only do I think he's extraordinary, but so do all the professors in the School of Public Affairs.

I married one brilliant, accomplished, scholarly man! Which makes me smart as well for marrying him. :)

Yay John-John! Congratulations on your amazing achievements so far. This is just one small stepping stone toward many, many more amazing and wonderful things. Know that I couldn't be prouder of you, your accomplishments, or who you are.

love,
HJ

hallelujah

We have air conditioning again; finally! No more hanging out at the mall for us. We can sit around in our own living room on a Friday evening and not lose five pounds of sweat.

Thanks to my husband's latest post, I am now craving Mexican food in a big way. As John knows, though, it doesn't take much to get me craving Mexican food. But it's Cinco de Mayo, so there's no way you're going to find me in a Mexican restuarant tonight...too bad.

Have a lovely weekend, all.

evil empire strikes back

You are not going to believe this. I can hardly belive it myself. We went to Wal-Mart two days in A ROW this week! I'd offer excuses, but...the truth is, we're guilty. We patronized Wal-Mart twice in one week. Feel free to throw stones (if you are without sin yourself!).

i feel good

The other day my husband told me I have good shoulders. No one has ever told me that before.

And I'm not sure why, but the compliment has really stuck with me. It makes me happy every time I think of it. I'm smiling right now, as a matter of fact.

more down than up

Today is somewhat of a down day.

Maybe it's because we came back from my parents' house yesterday after spending time with all the siblings at my sister's wedding. I love and miss my family. I wish we all lived closer to each other.

Maybe it's because I feel (again; this happens periodically) that I have no purpose in life. The things I think about on a daily basis: exercising, eating healthy, what I'm going to make for dinner, what part of the house I'm going to clean, building my relationship with my husband, improving my spirituality, making new friends and building the friendships I already have.

That's a pretty good list of what I think about during any given day. But you know what? It's boring! Where are the grand plans for changing the world or at least making a difference in the world? Where, in the midst of cleaning house, making dinner, and exercising, is ME?

Am I making any sense? My life is a checklist, and sometimes I'm pretty good at getting all the checks done in one day, but it doesn't really fulfill me in the long term. What the heck am I looking for? Why am I not content?

Sorry. Just venting. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

you're fired!

I had a dream last night that I was on The Apprenctice, only it wasn't Donald Trump on the show, it was ASU President . We were all competing as we worked on the 'task' in order to win favor with him.

All I know is, I was terrified of him! He notices every detail, every little flaw. He expects nothing less than perfection. (I should know; in a round about way, I work for him.) I just find it funny that subconsciously I put our president in the position of Donald Trump. (I can see him saying to me, "You're fired!") I think that image would only be funny to someone who currently goes to ASU.

I'm sure he won't read my blog and find out what his employee is saying about him. Why would he? Though he seems to have time for EVERYTHING under the sun including googling himself on the internet, he surely wouldn't care what people think of him. Andf he does care, he has to know already that people are intimidated by him.

(If you're reading this, please don't fire me.)

new career path

A while back my career goal was to become a librarian. In fact, I even went to the trouble to get a master's degree in library science. But that was before a year's worth of rejection from all the library jobs I applied to. (With the exception of one offer, which I rejected. So I guess it wasn't unilateral rejection.)

But anyway, lately I've been rethinking my career choice. The appeal of being a librarian grows dimmer and dimmer as I see cities slash library budgets right and left. The "shushing" librarian stereotype is alive and well. And libraries, instead of being at the forefront of knowledge and the heart of the community (as I believe they should be), are being rendered obsolete by Borders bookstore and the world wide web.

I can see the writing on the wall. Do I think libraries will ever dissapear permanently? No. But I do think they need a major overhaul to make them more relevant in this day and age. Some libraries are doing a pretty good job of that, but so many of them are as traditional as ever.

Where does this leave me? So far, without a job that I can wake up every day and be excited about. The last few days I've done some serious soul searching. What do I really want to do with my life?

You know what I came up with? Please do not laugh, because I'm serious. Personal trainer. I had actually thought about this career in the past, but it was more of a fleeting thought that didn't last long because I didn't think I could do it, especially because I really didn't have any experience in it. But in the last few weeks as I've been doing SparkPeople, I've learned a few things. 1. With motivation and desire, I can accomplish a whole lot. 2. I love exercise. 3. I love getting other people excited about exercise and eating right.

Maybe that's not much of a reason to embark on a brand new career path. I'm not sure yet. But I'm serious enough about it that I enrolled in two ASU courses this summer -- a nutrition course and an exercise science course. I just want to get a feel for what I might be getting into if my life veered off in this new direction. Oh, plus I'm taking a bellydancing class and a yoga/pilates class. Fun? Absolutely.

The best thing of all is that John supports me in this 100%. He always does. He doesn't laugh at my random career plans or complain about the fact that I might have to get yet another degree. (Maybe that's because I support him 100% in his desire to get yet another degree. But his will be a PhD while mine would most likely be a BS or at the most an MS degree.)

But right now this is all a what if. I don't know for sure WHAT I'm going to be doing in the next while. But I do know that I can't continue working at my current job without at least a goal and a plan for getting there. I feel that even if becoming a personal trainer isn't in the stars for me, at least I'm exploring and trying new things, and I know I'll stumble across the right career for me. Maybe I already have. It's worth exploring.

--H

think about it

The Karate Kid. Has a better movie ever been made? I dare you to think of one.

deathly sick but getting better

I went to the Dr. on monday and found out what is wrong with me -- I have pneumonia. Yikes. And, I gave it to my husband. :( So while I'm finally on the upswing and getting better, my husband is coughing and wheezing at home.

The worst of it was when we were in Nevada this weekend with my family. John started showing symptoms on Friday, and we slept most of the weekend instead of doing much with the family. :( Then on Sunday, when we were supposed to drive back to AZ, neither of us could do it. So I called in sick on Monday and we drove back then. We still felt crappy, but somehow John managed to get us back home.

Now I'm feeling a little better. I went on a 15 minute walk today and felt pretty okay afterward. By next week I should be back to my normal self.

Oh, and for anyone wondering, I didn't get the library job. I'm feeling pretty discouraged about that, so that's pretty much all I'm going to say about it at this point.

i'm sort of alive

I'm alive, but only barely. I got sick again. Yes, again.

Coughing, high fever, achy, sleepy. This time I went to my doctor and asked for blood tests to be done to figure out what's going on. I mean, first I get bronchitis, then the fake strep throat thing, then the rash, and now this.
I usually have a healthy immune system, getting sick maybe once a year. But this is three times in little over a month. Something is definitely going on here.

To top it all off, I still don't have a handle on my depression. Maybe the sickness is making it worse, or maybe the depression is lowering the defeneses of my immune system. Either way, I'm tired of being sick, and I'm tired of being sad.

In other news, we already got part of our tax return back -- and the tax deadline hasn't even happened yet! What?!!! What's going on here? Usually I'm in the line of cars trying to drop off my tax envelope at the Post Office before midnight hits on tax day. But, thanks to my husband, he did it all for us over a week ago. Yay!

This weekend we're off to Nevada to see my sister go through the temple for the first time and then have her bridal shower. Two weeks later we'll be going back for her wedding. Then all of us will be married but the youngest, who turns 17 today!

Okay, time to go sleep off some of this sickness.

Happy Easter everyone.

striped lobster

I’ll bet you are dying to know how the tanning salon went, aren’t you?

Well, imagine the whitest, ghostly person you can think of, and that’s me. I entered the tanning salon and found myself amongst bronze beauties. Boy did I feel out of place! The tan girl in front of me was assigned to a tanning bed for 12 minutes. The very tan attendant (whose ample bosoms, not adequately covered, were also very bronze) took one look at me and set the timer for 5 minutes.

It was weird. I felt entombed with a death ray that was slowly adding years to my skin. But that’s just me being overdramatic. I’ve always been opposed to tanning, especially tanning beds. My reasons are pretty shallow – I don’t ever want my skin to look leathery and old. It was news to me that tanning is used for medical purposes!

Anyway, after two sessions at 5 minutes, they felt I had moved up in the world and could handle 6 minutes. No problem, right? Ha! Let’s just say that certain parts of my body that never see the light of day are now bright red. I’m a lobster; actually, a striped lobster! The tanning light bulbs gave me a nice stripe on my…rear.

i'm off to the tanning bed!

I went to the doctor today because I had these weird red splotches all over my stomach. She says they were caused by the antibiotics I was taking for my strep throat. But guess what the remedy is? Sunlight. I have to expose the rash to sunlight. What the heck? Have you ever heard of that?

But she showed me the picture in a book, and the guy in the picture had a stomach that looked an awfully lot like mine. And I read in the book that the cure is sunlight. So now…I’m going to go to a tanning salon for the first time in my life. (I don’t really want to expose my stomach to the light of day…yet.)

Guess what, though? While at the doctor’s office I weighed in, and I’ve lost two more pounds! I've been eating healthy as well as exercising five times a week, and it's paying off. My praise of SparkPeople grows and grows. I’m so very proud of myself and I feel so much better. Yay for me.