bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll be sun

Annie was right…tomorrow did bring sunshine back to my life. Amazing.

I watched an old movie last night – Cover Girl – a cheesy 1940s musical, but it only cheered me up a bit. I also decided to work out with weights, which made me feel better also. But I was still feeling pretty down, so I brought out my guitar and played all the sad songs I know how to play. That helped a lot. I’ve gotta remember to play more—my spirit was considerably lifted by singing and playing.

But the thing that helped most is that J talked with me for a long time. I think we both needed to talk, actually. And now I’m feeling 100% better. J is so good, and I feel very blessed to have him. And I have some direction for what I can work on to be a better wife. So…I’m back to feeling good, just like I knew I would.

*******************

I forgot to post that the other night J talked in his sleep again! It’s so fascinating to me. This time I didn’t say a word to him. He talked extensively in Albanian for about 5 minutes, and then switched over to Italian for the next 10 minutes. I don’t know what he was saying, but it was strange to listen to, because it sounded like a robot or something, just talking and talking. I think I heard the words heart attack, meat, and then a big list of vegetables and foods. Other than that, it was all greek to me.

*******************

The other day J said to me, “So what kind of dog do you want?” Is he softening? :)

*******************

Okay, last thing -- I realized in my car this morning on the way to work that I forgot to put deodorant on. Isn't that the worst feeling? (Or am I the only one who has forgotten such a vital thing?!)

the sun'll come out, tomorrow

I’m sad today. I just need to put my feelings out there; I’m sure I’ll get over them shortly. Right now my thoughts and feelings are a jumble.

I had a nightmare last night. I woke up sad and didn’t know why. Then I remembered the contents of the nightmare. It was a sad dream and I couldn’t shake the feelings, even knowing it was just a dream.

I hate my job. The $9,000 raise I got in June increased my job satisfaction for a while, but now I’m back to empty again. My job is fairly thankless, the mistakes I make are pointed out abundantly, I’m constantly behind in my work, and I’ve had just about enough of it. At least I can say that I am learning new things and that I enjoy some of what I do. That’s probably the saving grace of the whole thing. I can last 7-8 more months, and then I want to be out of here. (Don’t tell anyone I work with, though.)

I’m lonely. I feel like I’m drifting along with no purpose and no reason to keep going. Today I just want to give up. I won’t, and I’m sure I’ll feel better soon, but today that’s how I feel. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe I should see a counselor like I keep telling myself I will...

Sigh. I guess it's hot chocolate and old movies for me tonight. Maybe that'll help. Maybe not.

jail bird

I recently found out that an ex-boyfriend is now in jail. I laughed pretty hard when I heard, and then felt guilty about laughing at someone else’s misfortune. Most likely my laughter was really covering my horrible embarrassment at ever having dating him. What was I thinking? And how did my friends stand by and let me make such crazy decisions? Perhaps they had faith I would eventually come to my senses?

Which I did. I’m so glad I waited to get married to the right person for me. I’m so glad I married JJ, the man of my dreams who sweeps me off my feet every single day. :)

p.s.

Read my husband's latest entry. Isn't he sweet? I feel like my honor has been defended. :)

a rose by any other name

Chemist for now asked me a question in the comments for my previous post:

"hello. I'm just wondering about how you identify yourself. Do you define yourself as a wife just because it's a new part of who you are or do you truly feel that this is your new identity and you've left the rest behind? Sorry if this seems too intense or personal, but I'm just wondering from a feminist perspective. Good luck with the depressing days, I know how those go."


Interesting question and not too personal. Calling my blog “mrs ronk” definitely calls attention to my status as a wife. I think my reasons for identifying myself that way were really a combination of things.

For one, I was sick of my old blog site, and wanted a new one with a new name. This blog was created pretty much on a whim. My husband already had a site at blogger, which is what inspired me to switch over to blogger. His diary is “big ronk”. We had just gotten married when I started this blog, and it occurred to me to do a kind of twist on his blog. That part of it seemed natural—I didn’t have to agonize for days over the name and end up choosing some blog name I might later regret. (My former blog name—cryondemand—was based on my favorite musician and my emotional state at the time. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

I liked the name, and identifying myself as ‘mrs ronk’ doesn’t make me feel that I left my old identity behind at all. I’m still me. However, for me, getting married has changed my identity somewhat. My role as wife is very important to me and I’m not afraid to admit that. I’m not trying to hide my new identity as ‘wife’ nor let it obscure the other parts of me.

I do consider myself a feminist in some ways. Just ask my husband who has to deal with my diatribes sometimes! The funny thing is, in many cases I prefer the title ‘Ms.’, and my last name isn’t actually Ronk. So…what’s in a name?

I hope that clears it up. Thanks for asking.

what's your 20?

Vent of the day: Work is overwhelming me! I’m going crazy with all there is to do. I am in the middle of about 5 projects, and NONE of them are wrapping themselves up. Meanwhile, all my other regular work is piling up. Sigh. I don’t get paid enough for this.

Low of the day: I walked around on ASU campus today. I usually spend my day hovering over a computer screen and don’t venture onto the campus much. But today I did. Ironically, I did so to attend a class about general health—exercise, eating right, etc. They gave us a pedometer and then pumped us up for being healthy. Then I walked back to my office building, noticing all the beautiful young girls who are skinny, blond, and have perfect hair and makeup. It was completely depressing and cancelled all the benefits of the class I just took. Do you have to be under 21 and born with the right genes in order to be what’s hot right now? Sigh. Why I should care, I’m not sure. But I do. I want to be someone that people think ‘wow’ when they look at me. Today I just feel old and slightly unattractive. I’m sure I’ll get over it, and there are certainly more important things to think about…

High of the day: Something clicked for me today. It’s a very personal thing, and I’m not sure I could explain it even if I wanted to. So I’ll just say that I prayed for something this morning, something very specific. I prayed to understand a concept I’ve been wondering about and working on. Later on today I read something on lds.org -- a small paragraph that hit me like lightning. Suddenly I understood the concept like I never had before. Not only that, but I realized that my prayer had been answered. It might sound like a small thing, but it's a concept I felt was vitally important for me to understand right now. And now I do.

room service!

Okay, this JJ dream was too funny not to post.

We were both in bed last night and it was really late, 11:30-ish (okay, late for me!). Suddenly, John is talking.

J: It’s all paid for.
H: What’s all paid for?
J: The resort.
H: Are we going to a resort? (I’m suddenly wishing that it’s true and he has booked a resort for us, even though logically I know he has not.)
J: We’re already there.
H: Oh. How nice.
Pause…I am about to drift to sleep again.
J: I need some little pillows. Call the front desk and have them send some.
H: I’ll call tomorrow. It’s late.
J: No, call now. They’re open 24 hours.
H: Uhh….

In other news, I had a sort of down weekend. I’ve just been worried about a few things, and by Sunday I was feeling pretty depressed. I was at church by myself (my husband had class all day) and all I wanted to do was run home and go back to bed. I didn’t though. I stayed, and I’m so glad I did. Several people shared personal stories, and it made me realize that everyone has trials and God is there to get me through mine. I’m going to be okay.

transcripts from JJ's dream

My husband sometimes slips into a dream state at night where he is almost certainly asleep but fully able to carry on conversations. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever witnessed. It happened again a couple of nights ago, and for your viewing pleasure, I wrote out nearly word for word our converstations.

Behold the subconscious interior of my husband's random brain. (He's J and I'm H):

J: He shouldn’t sleep until September.
H: Who shouldn’t?
J: The guy in the green shirt.
H: Why?
J: Because, then he could be in the Guinness Book of World Records.
H: Who is this guy?
J: Just some guy.
H: He’s wearing a green shirt?
J: Yeah. In the picture. But he probably has other shirts.
H: Yeah. But maybe he just has one shirt.
J: That would be sad.
H: Would you give him some of your shirts?
J: Uh…yeah. But I don’t have his address.
…………………..
J: Swipes frantically at his ear.
H: What’s wrong?
J: There was a frog in my ear.
H: No there wasn’t.
J: Yes there was.
H: Well, where did it go?
J: It hopped off.
H: Are you going to catch it?
J: Right now?
H: Yeah, if you want to.
J: No. It’ll be there in the morning.
Suddenly there is a loud knocking…sounds like it’s coming from the neighbor below us, but it’s hard to tell, and in light of J being so out of it, I am a little scared.
H: What was that?
J: The frog.
H: No, it wasn’t.
J: Yes it was.
H: Can we keep the frog as a pet?
J: Yeah. If it’s not poisonous. Do you have hard feet?
H: Yeah. Why?
J: If you touch a poisonous frog your skin will get soft.
H: Really?
J: Yeah. I stepped on a poisonous frog once and that’s what happened to my feet.
H: Uh…But seriously, what was that noise earlier?
J: I thought it was the frog.
……………………….
J: While shuddering: Ow. I wish they’d give me some room.
H: Who?
J: These people. There’s tons of room and they’re crowding me.
H: Where are you?
J: On campus.
J: Shudders again. Ow. Stupid bicycle. I hate bicycles.
J: Shudders again: Ow!
H: What happened?
J: I tripped on a crack in the sidewalk.
H: (At this point I figured I better get him away from this painful dream.) J, it’s okay. You’re not on campus, you’re in bed with me.
J: No I’m not.
H: Yes you are. Don’t you feel me touching you?
J: Yeah; you’re on campus with me.
H: No, we’re in bed. Let’s go to sleep now.
J: But first we need to go to the job fair at the MU. Is it 3 yet?
H: No. It’s nighttime. We should go to bed and you can go to the job fair tomorrow.
J: But what if the job is taken?
H: It won’t be.
………………….
J: For credit card, please press one.
H: What?
J: It’s a gas pump. Gas is expensive.
…………………

Somehow I finally got JJ to go to sleep. (Well, I think he was sleeping already, but I got him to settle down and stop talking!) I’ve heard of sleepwalking, but sleep talking is new to me. It’s a very strange phenomenon. It can be pretty entertaining…the stuff that randomly comes out of his head.

camped out

Hooray for showers and running water and beds that are not filled with air! We spent a four-day weekend at the Grand Canyon this Labor Day, and it was nice. I'm not big into camping, and I feel certain that J isn't either, even though he continues to insist that he loves it...

I did enjoy seeing deer, skunk, turkey, and other wildlife. I enjoyed the beautiful sunsets that swept across the canyon, making the already beautiful rock formations turn even more brilliant colors. I like taking hikes and enjoying the peacefulness of nature. I also enjoyed sitting around the campfire (in my brand new camping rocking chair bought for me by my dear husband) and reading a book.

Here's what I don't love about camping: Not showering for three days. Loading up a bunch of crap that you have to set up once you get there so that you have a makeshift house. Only it's not a house, it's a nylon tent with an air mattress inside, and dirt gets everywhere and you can't stand up straight in your little 'house'. It almost always involves freezing at night. You also pack up a bunch of food and cooking paraphernalia and utensils. Then you get to make the meals on this little stove all the while ignoring the dirt everywhere. And THEN, three days later, you have to take it all apart and pack it all up again. Then it's home again, where you get to unload it all.

Somehow that's just not my idea of fun. It sounds like something for a masochist. Give me a hotel and breakfast in bed; that's what I'm all about!

Camping rant aside, I did have fun. Here's the proof:

This is me and J at a scenic part of the Grand Canyon. If we look a little dirty and gross and smelly, that's because we are! I'm holding our adorable niece who loved camping and loved US even more--we are her favorite aunt and uncle, hands down. :)

--hj

famous last words

On a fairly regular basis, I nearly get in accidents while driving. I'm either a bad driver who's lucky, or a good driver who avoids getting in accidents even though opportunites arise all the time! (You can guess which one I wish were true...)

Well anyway, tonight was a close call. I was in the left-hand turning lane in the middle of the intersection when the light turned yellow. I looked at the cars coming toward me, and they were slowing down. So I turned left. However, a truck decided last minute to speed up through the intersection, which meant he was speeding toward me. We barely missed colliding, my heart nearly exploded out of my chest, and then I thanked God that one more time I was spared.

The whole experience taught me to watch my language. If we had collided and I had died, my last words on this earth would have been, "Holy hell!"

letters

1. To Anonymous, who sometimes comments on my blog: Who are you? Is there more than one of you ? Do I know you? Just curious.

2. To Christie and others who wondered why I cried for four hours straight:

It's a long story. I had the flu at the time, which for some reason exaggerated my emotions. I was dealing with some personal issues (and still am) that caused me significant distress at the time.

My mistake was that I should have talked to my husband about several things, but I didn't. For several weeks I kept my feelings to myself until one fateful day they ALL spilled out and wouldn't stop coming for four hours. I have since realized my mistake and have taken to dealing with issues as they arise, rather than keeping them to myself. I guess it's a part of being married that I'm just learning about. A part of the human experience that I'm just learning about!

Thanks for your concern, though. I'm doing much better these days.

3. To TK: I miss you and your blog!

4. To my husband, who is my proven soul mate: To have your love and honesty is everything to me. xoxoxo.

toilet humor

I have been spoiled by the bathrooms at my office--they flush all by themselves. So when I finish my business in our bathroom at home, I get up and look back at the toilet, expecting it to do its job. But it doesn't; it just sits there. Instead, I have to hold down on the handle for four full seconds or else it won't flush right. Give me a self-flushing toilet any day. My husband (who lived in Europe for a while) says it's all about the bidet...but I don't know that I can believe him.

oops!

Yesterday my husband looked at my stomach and then asked me if I was pregnant. Ummmm... Good thing I am not overly sensitive about that. (Sensitive, yes. But I got over it in a day.)

Meanwhile, it's time to up the exercise and cut down on the fried and sugary foods, stat! I guess it's going to be a slow recovery if I look pregnant. Yikes!

In other news, JJ and I finally have friends! Couple friends! I'll post soon with the details.

sick of it

A week later, I am still sick. So I went to the Dr., sat in the waiting room for a long time, paid $10 to find out NOTHING. My Dr. looked at my throat, in my ears, and listened to me breathe. After 10 seconds of looking at me she pronounces that my illness is viral and there is no medicine to help me. :(

But I think I'm getting better anyway. My poor husband has just started with the worst of it. He slept almost all day yesterday. But, lovely husband that he is, he stayed awake long enough to clean the kitchen. You would have had to see the kitchen to understand how wonderful my husband is for doing that. Especially while sick. We were both sick all week and let dishes and trash pile up. Our rice cooker sat with rice in it all week until mold started growing in it. Eww! The rest of the kitchen wasn't much better. But JJ cleaned it, bless his heart. I got home from work yesterday and decided it was time to face the nastiness of the kitchen. But when I went in, all I saw were sparkling countertops! Bless you, JJ. Bless you.

In other news, I am on a campaign to get JJ healthy. He doesn't yet know what I have planned, but basically we are going to start exercising daily, eating many more fruits and vegetables and NOT eating out anymore, losing weight, and learning some relaxation techniques. If we're diligent about it, I feel certain we'll both become healthier. I just stepped on a scale at the Dr.'s office, and I'm about 10 pounds overweight, which isn't much, but it's enough for me to know I need to make some changes. I'm very motivated to make these changes, and I hope JJ will be too. He's been too sick; otherwise I would have talked to him about the new plan. Hopefully this weekend.

You know, I should be a researcher. Somebody should pay me to research. I'm good at it, that's all I'm saying.

Okay, have a fabulous weekend, and I will too.

--Holli

out sick

I've been out sick for the past four days, so I haven't been posting. Had a major emotional breakdown in the midst of all that. Doing better now. But you would not believe how crying for four hours straight makes your eyes look like they've been punched really hard.

But I'm back and posting.

stayin' alive

I am finally feeling a little better. The weekend was both good and bad.

J's mom is also feeling a little better and was able to go home on Saturday. I'm still very worried about her. We still just aren't sure what, if anything, is wrong...which is scary.

Basically I (and I think John too) was wiped out this weekend from stress and everything else. We slept in until 10:30 on Saturday, which felt marvelous. Mostly I did what I said I was going to do--sit around and watch movies and gorge myself on food. However, I'm not sure how good that was for my depression. It felt good at the time, but yet...didn't really help the situation any.

It wasn't until John suggested shopping for books at my favorite thrift store (Deseret Industries) on Saturday night that I started feeling a little better. Firstly, because we got out of the house--I'd been in there since Friday afternoon, and it was time to shower and get out! Secondly, because D.I. always makes me feel better. I can't really explain why. And THIRDLY, because I knew my husband suggested it in part to cheer me up. Which it did! He rocks. I found some good books, too.

Sunday I was still down and had to leave Church after Sacrament meeting. Just couldn't do the rest. And for the rest of the day John and I cuddled and watched TV movies galore--Rookie of the Year, Dumb and Dumber, Speed, The Truman Show. How can you not feel better after that?

Anyway, life is still really hard, but I feel like we can make it. It feels like the worst is over.

on the eve of destruction

I lost it last night and cried and cried into my pillow. I couldn't help it. Today is another day, but so far I just feel sad. My life has been reduced to this: work eight hours at a moderately stressful job, go home, read a book so I don’t have to think about anything else, then try (unsuccessfully) to find food in the house, go out and get fast food, eat, go to sleep. Get up at 7am and start it all over again. Seriously, that’s it. I cannot continue with this for much longer.

Once again, I know it’s me who has to change. Circumstances will come and go, but I’m the only one who can make myself happy. But all those theories (that I’ve always believed in) are a bit harder to put into practice when hard times come knocking at the door.

It’s stupid—I’m feeling sorry for myself when in fact I shouldn’t be thinking about myself at all. It’s time to work on my attitude, I know it. But first, perhaps I’ll hole up in bed and watch movies all weekend and eat myself into oblivion. That’s my coping mechanism of choice.

close to breaking point

I haven't posted for a while because I didn't want to be a downer. But I have to get words out.

J's mom is not doing well at all. She is now staying with us. J is at a breaking point, I can tell. I can't do much to help, and I'm stuck here at work all day worrying. I am nearly at a breaking point myself, but I want to stay strong for my husband. I just don't know how much longer I can.

The truth is, I'm worried too. I'm scared, I'm sad, I don't know what to do either.

I know God is watching out for us. I know deep down we can make it through this trial too, but at the moment it sure doesn't feel like it. I just feel so helpless right now. Sigh. And once again, I feel better for having written it down. We're going to make it. I've never faced such a difficult trial, but I've never had such a wonderful person right next to me to lean on, either.

busy weekend, busy week

This weekend didn't do the job of resting me up for the coming week. Friday after work, John and I went to visit his mom in the hospital (she was in a serious car accident last week...needless to say it's been a hard week, but she's doing okay now.).

After that we went to John's favorite restaurant (soon to be my favorite too--I am in love with their chips, and as far as I'm concerned, the chips are what make or break a mexican restaurant.), Los Olivos, and had dinner followed by fried ice cream. Yum.

We then saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which was surprisingly better than I thought it would be. It deviated from the book a bit, and went in a different direction from the original (which I love), but it was fun and unique. It's quirky, weird, and has Tim Burton's signature all over it. Overall, I think it's a movie worth seeing.

Saturday I got up pretty early and cleaned our house from top to bottom (it needed it!). Necessary, but not very relaxing. I finished around 4pm, showered, and then John got home from his all-day class. We went back to the hospital to visit his mom again, and stayed until 9pm. By the time we bought food and brought it home, I was exhausted. We watched part of a movie, and then I went to bed to read a bit. Here's the part where JJ and I had a disagreement that didn't get resolved until the next day. I didn't get to sleep until probably 1am.

Then it's up for church, bright and early Sunday morning. I had to go by myself because John had another all-day class. Boy was it lonely to sit by myself at church. :( After church I took a nap, the only thing that saved me from utter exhaustion. We spent the evening at my sister and brother-in-law's house, which was mucho fun. We played games and played with my adorable niece. Good times.

But now it's Monday, and I don't want to be here at work! Not at all. I need a vacation and I need one soon...

serious, contemplative entry

Since my last entry I’ve been doing some serious thinking about myself. I haven’t been very proud of some of my recent behavior (as I said in a previous post), and I realized I’ve been acting very selfishly. What I wanted was for things to change, but I didn’t understand that it was me who had to change. I was very frustrated, so I did some searching and found an article and a book.

The article I found-- “Divine Designs of Marriage”, by Laura Brotherson-- really spoke to me. It is from an LDS perspective, but I think the concepts can be pretty universal. This article has changed my perspective completely. If you’re married, check it out!

One thing the author says is, “Personal growth is not optional in marriage.” I noticed that! When I was single, I didn’t have to face some of my weaknesses like I do now, because now someone I love is affected by them.

She also says, “Accepting our spouse unconditionally may be one of the greatest lessons our spouse can help us learn.” If this isn’t the truth, I don’t know what is. Of course, that should be a given in marriage, but it just wasn’t sinking in for me. Plus, the way she words this lets me know that accepting someone unconditionally is a process we learn; it’s not necessarily inherent or easy.

Basically what I got from the article is that we’re imperfect, but we can learn to love each other unconditionally (which will allow us both to learn and grow at our own pace). And even though it’s not always easy, we can learn to meet each other’s needs if we’re willing to stretch and grow and work at it. (Meeting each other’s needs doesn’t always come naturally!) I have a long way to go, but I now have a starting point and something to work toward, and that makes me happy.

Anyway, I feel much happier than I did. Basically I was wallowing in self-pity, and I’m not going to do that anymore. The book I found Bonds that Make us Free: Healing our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves is helping me see what I need to change about myself and how to change it. (It’s serialized on the internet if you want to read the whole thing.) I haven't read very far into it, but it's amazing so far.

I’m serious about changing. I’m committed to becoming the person I know I should be. For myself and for my husband and future family, I will make whatever difficult changes are necessary.

hjkr

p.s. Go visit my husband’s blog and say hi. He would love it. (And he also has more pictures of us over there.)