and the moral of the story is...

I'm going to attempt to explain the crazy circumstances that ended with me at home all day today instead of at work.

Yesterday at about 4pm, I was walking back to my office from a work meeting across campus. The wind was so bad that I had to close my eyes to prevent dirt and debris from getting in them. By chance, a co-worker and a student worker drove by in our office's golf cart.

"Can we give you a ride back to the office?" Of course you can! So, with cell phone in hand, a purse and some papers in the other hand, and a laptop bag slung over my shoulder, I hopped on the back of the golf cart, facing backward. I didn't have a free hand to hold onto the sides. Can you see where this is going?

Anyway, we got to our parking lot, stopped, and then the cart took off again. My body, unfortunately, did not take off as quickly as the cart did. I could feel myself sliding off, and I also knew that there was nothing I could do about it. So I flew through the air and landed pretty hard on my back. I said a bad word. But do you blame me? What would you do if you had just flown off a golf cart, landed on your back which now hurt like the dickens, and felt extremely embarrassed at the thought of anyone seeing what had just happened?

And people did see. They all ran over and crowded around me to see if I was okay. And I was, sort of. My back hurt bad enough that I didn't want to get up. But when a woman suggested calling the paramedics, I said no -- I mean, I fell off a GOLF CART for crying out loud! How badly could I be hurt? But she suggested that we call anyway, just to be safe. And that is what she did.

Two minutes later, I heard sirens in the distance. I was mortified. "Please tell me that those sirens aren't for me." But they were. A fire truck drove up to the parking lot. An ambulance was there. Five firemen came over to me, quickly checking my head and back for injuries. They offered to drive in the ambulance to the hospital. I said no way would that be necessary. Again, it was a golf cart accident.

I got home and assessed the damage. My back hurt pretty badly. My cell phone sustained some nasty road rash. Thanks, cell phone, for taking one for the team. That would have been my hand otherwise. My back hurt, but otherwise I felt okay. But then I tried to sleep last night and I couldn't. The pain in my back radiated down my leg, and the pain in my leg made it impossible to sleep. So I stayed up reading until I was so tired I knew I would fall asleep no matter how much pain I was in. Which I did.

But that decided it. I stayed home from work today, calling HR to get worker's comp information and made an appointment to see my doctor. Most of my day was spend reading and watching movies as I iced my back and tried to get comfortable.

The highlight was getting the back x-rays. If someone had told me that x-rays involves getting mostly naked and lounging in a hospital gown for 20 minutes in a waiting room full of old guys, I might have thought twice about getting said x-rays. Or I would at the very least have chosen my undergarments a little more carefully this morning. Ha!

But the bottom line is: I fell off a golf cart. And you can feel free to laugh about that. Because that is what I am doing right now, though I am cursing the golf cart in the same breath.

top five tv shows from my childhood

In other news, I present to you the top five tv shows from my childhood (and possibly of all time):

The Smurfs
La la la la la la, la la la la la. Some of my favorite characters: Hefty Smurf, Brainy Smurf, Smurfette, Gargamel, Johan, PeeWee, Asrael. No cartoon has ever been better. (Don't even try to deny it.)

Family Ties
Alex P. Keaton reminded me of myself. Not that I'm a Republican (though back then I may have been), but because he did his own thing even when his family didn't understand him. And because he was selfish and self-serving, and let's face it - I can be that! He always ended up doing the right thing, though. One of those shows I watched faithfully.

Saved by the Bell
My six favorite TV friends. (As opposed to those other TV friends.) These guys graduated from high school the same year I did, so how could I not adopt them as my own? I was not as obsessed as another person I won't mention, but I did tune in almost every Saturday. "Hey, hey, hey, hey! WHAT is going on here?!"

Silver Spoons
I liked Ricky Schroeder. But I LOVED Jason Bateman who played Derek, the smarmy but lovable friend. I watched this show faithfully every day after school in junior high.

Three's Company
Two words: Jack Tripper. This show introduced me to words like "affair" before I could even comprehend what that was. So admittedly, it probably contributed to the corruption of a young Holli Jo. But I loved it anyway.

Honorable mentions:
Perfect Strangers
Who's the Boss?

I'm sure there are others that I'm forgetting. What are your all-time favorites?

you're at your best with an ache in your chest

I'm an intelligent person and I can be fairly self-aware, which is why I don't understand why I'm so damn insecure all the time. Pardon my french. But it's the way I feel tonight.

pat's run 2007

Well, Pat's Run was simply amazing. We (me, John, family members) finished the race, and I even finished faster than I thought I would. I had planned on walking the course, but my enthusiasm took over once we got there, and I started the race jogging. I walked most of it, but it ended up that I jogged a mile or two. I'm really sore now as a result.

Anyway, I posted most of my thoughts on the matter here, if anyone cares to read it. If not, just know that it was a wonderful experience that I would do again in a second. In fact, I enjoyed myself so much that I went running yesterday, and plan to do more walking/running several times a week. I see a 5K in my not too distant future, as well. I'm inspired.

chance meeting at a birdbath

I met Jewell Parker Rhodes today. She is truly one of the nicest people I have ever met. She writes novels and she is the current director of the Piper House. I want to be like her.

Here’s how it happens. I had finished up with a meeting across campus from where I normally work. I was walking back to work but decided to take a little break first. I stopped at Piper House and sat beside a fountain, reading Girls in Pants.

Suddenly there was a bird in the fountain; he was black, and purple, and velvety looking. He walked around the fountain, eyeing me. Then he jumped in and splashed himself all over. I watched in fascination for a couple of minutes until the bird flew away. Jewell Parker Rhodes was suddenly next to me and said, “Wasn’t that beautiful?” She proceeded to tell me the history of Piper House, and how she had insisted that the fountain be put in, along with several other details that make Piper House so inviting.

I knew exactly who she was, but she of course didn’t know who I was. Yet she talked with me as if we were old friends. We introduced ourselves to each other. We exchanged our dream of writing a young adult novel (she writes mostly adult fiction). She asked me to email her so she could mail me a book. She said that we would bug each other until we had started writing our novels.

Meeting her has inspired me, not just to write (though she did inspire that), but also to be a good human being; to love and to embrace life. I am filled with light, just because of her wonderful spirit. I want to be that for other people. I feel so blessed to have met her.

ready for pat's run

My parents and sister are in town so they could do Pat's Run with us. There are seven of us on our team, and we are so excited! There is just something cool about thousands of 'athletes' getting together and running a race. I say 'athletes', because I don't really consider people like me an athlete. I just feel privileged to be among people who actually are.

Anyway, the race shirts are AWESOME, even though they run ultra small, there is a buzz on campus because of the race, and we have to get up bright and early in the morning to make it here by 7am.

We actually did another walk through of the race yesterday. I'm a little sore today, so I guess I didn't train like I should have. Tomorrow we shall see how I do! I'm getting very excited. I'll try to take pictures so I can post a couple.

Happy Easter, everyone.

self portrait challenge -- eye of my storm

Here's my self portrait for the week, my first one ever. This one is called 'eye of my storm'. My weekend was rough; this week has been hard, but between all that, on Monday evening, I experienced a reprieve. John and I sat on our balcony, holding hands and talking about the future as we stared out at the view we wouldn't be seeing for much longer -- Camelback mountain where John proposed, the golf course, the lone palm tree off in the distance. Things have been rough both before and since, but for that one moment all was right.

To see more self portrait entries, go here.

i will get better

The doctor called to tell me that my hormones are not out of whack. They are completely normal. So that is not the reason I have had such emotional turmoil for the past few months. Perhaps it is the serotonin that is messed up in my brain.

I almost wouldn't believe that there could be a simple, logical reason for such an illogical and emotionally painful condition. People sometimes ask me why I am depressed, but the truth is that I often don't know. Other people don't understand why I am so sad when my life is so blessed. And the truth is that I don't know that either; that is part of the cruel irony of depression--that while the golden sun of good fortune is smiling its rays down upon you, you can't feel it at all. I feel like I have missed out on beautiful and wonderful moments of my life because depression robbed me of my ability to see and know and feel.

I have finally sought real help (again) for this condition, because I don't want to miss out on any more moments. I don't want to look back and read page after page of sad and confused journal entries. I don't want that anymore--not that I ever did want that, but now I realize I want something better, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get that something better.

So I wait for the treatment to kick in. I wait and I hurt and I fight back tears and pray. I am humbled. I wait some more. I know that one of these days the fog will start to lift and I won't have to try so very hard to smile or appear happy. And perhaps there will be a magical day when I can just *be* and enjoy the beautiful moments of my life.

i'm going to take pictures

So much is going on in my life right now, some of which I plan to post about, to sort my thoughts out. But first, I just wanted to mention one thing. I signed up for Self Portrait Challenge. I've been wanting to for a while, but I finally did it.

Basically, they give you a theme for the month, and each week you post a photograph (a self portrait) you took that deals with the theme. I'm no photographer, but I want to be. I figure this is a way to get in the habit of taking pictures. So bear with me if I post some amateurish or bad photos. At least I'll be taking pictures.

This month's theme is: the body. So stay tuned.

sang as they walked

John and I went on a four-mile walk yesterday. It felt surprisingly good. And the best part is that we did it in about an hour, which is fast for us.

We were actually doing a practice walk for an event we signed up for: Pat's Run. Proceeds from the race go to the Pat Tillman Foundation. I think it's a worthy cause, and I'm happy I get to be a part of. Not to mention that Pat Tillman is my dad's hero; I knew this run would mean a lot to him.

So next Saturday we (along with five other members of my family) will be walking 4.2 miles for Pat's Run. I'm so excited. My original plan had been to run this, but it turned out that walking was the better choice this time. I do have a goal that a year from now I (and I hope John too) will be running a 5k or two.

he's back

My husband was in Texas this weekend visiting a school there. Not in the city featured on his shirt. I'm just glad he's back.

But now we must talk of packing and cleaning and job hunting and finality. I'm not ready yet.

seeing with new eyes

Young children have such an amazing outlook. I wish I could see the world through a child's eyes just for a while.

In my writing class we are working on using metaphors in our writing, and it's not my strong point. My three-year-old niece grasps the concept much better than I do.

The other evening she was over at our house. The moon was a shiny sliver in the sky. My niece ran over to the window and looked out. She gasped in surprise and awe, "There's a diamond in your sky!!!" She couldn't stop looking at the diamond hanging in our sky.

the reason is you

Two years ago today, John and I were married in the Las Vegas temple. It’s hard to believe we’ve been married two years already, yet I feel as though I’ve been with him forever. Anyone who knows us can see that we’re MFEO; there’s no one who understands me or loves me better than John does, we both have our ‘quirky’ sense of humor, and we can entertain each other for hours on a road trip. I’m more comfortable with him than with anyone else I’ve ever known.

I waited a long time to find the right man to marry, and there were times when I lost hope that he was actually out there. But John came along and made the wait so worth it.

I love you sweetie. You’re truly my soul mate.
xoxoxoxox

update on my goals

I announced last week that I had set a goal to exercise 5x a week, and I’m updating you on my progress. Last week I didn’t hit 5x. But I did do 3x, which is much better than I usually get. This week I plan to get the full five.

I just got back from my morning break; I walked around campus for 15 minutes. It’s an easy way to get my exercise in. Unfortunately, it’s starting to get hot around here; I’m going to have to find another simple way to exercise, because the heat is already killing me.

I also signed up for Joe’s Goals. I like it so far. I wouldn't say it's exceptionally motivating, but I do actually feel motivation if I know I get to check it off a list. So I think it’s good. At least I get to see the progress I’m making. I like it.

And if you’re wondering about the body fat percentage test I took…I’ll just say it was discouraging. My fat content hasn’t changed in the past two years, despite the effort I’ve put in to improve my health. I guess I’ll have to make some more changes. I have a feeling it’s the eating habits that are dragging me down.

love

So remember that one time when I said I would share a picture of the valentine card I made for John? Well, I'm finally doing that. Just remember that it's pretty much my first attempt at paint ever. But I like it anyway, flaws and all:

And you know what John got me? This:

If you know me, you know this was the perfect gift. I'm romantic, and I love poetry. So the combination was perfect. Now I just need to light a fire in our unused fireplace and have John read love poems to me. (Thus far he hasn't.) But anyway, that was our Valentine's day.

railroad wings

I am listening to Patty Griffin's newest album, children running through, and it is amazing. As always when I listen to her music, I feel I understand what life is about, and it's sweet, and it's a little sad, and it's always beautiful.

Patty is just amazing, which is why I am so excited to be going to her concert this Saturday. A coworker of mine loves Patty's music just as much as I do, so when she found out she was coming to Arizona, she bought tickets. Her husband can't go, so I'm going with her instead.

Patty Griffin is one of those artists I would practically DIE to see live. There aren't many people in that category -- Patty Griffin, Emmylou Harris, Nick Drake (he's dead, so I really would have to die to see him), Alison Krauss. Maybe a couple of others. Bands come and go, but there are some musicians whose voices stay with you. Patty Griffin is definitely one of those.

"All these years along the lights are growing dim
I hear you sing your song in the next room
And as far as I can tell most everything means nothing
Except some things that mean everything"

i'm gonna do it

Okay, I am publicly announcing that I set a goal to exercise 5 days a week for at least 15 minutes. I signed up for Leo's March Challenge over at Zen Habits. Go sign up too--any goal you want to work on for the month of March.

They say if you tell people about a goal you're more likely to achieve it (because of the negative publicity if you don't). So I'm testing that theory out. The real challenge is setting aside 15 minutes and actually doing it. 15 minutes doesn't sound like a lot, but you'd be surprised how often I DON'T exercise for any amount of minutes. I'm starting out slowly to get the habit. I'd like to work up to 30-60 minutes of exercise. But first things first.

And to kick it all off, I coincidentally signed up for a health screening today. By 10am I will know my height, my weight, and my body fat...oy. I'll let you know how that goes...or not!

more goals

Oh, and I succumbed to Joe's Goals. (It's a goal tracking tool.) I don't know yet if I'll like it, but I'll let you know once I try it out. Anyone have any experience with it?

dark day

My emotions have been all over today, but right now I am down. I woke up that way; must have been my dreams. But I feel so useless. So utterly pointless. I'm scared of some of the changes that are coming up in the near future. I haven't blogged much about any of those changes, because...well, because. I will soon.

Anyway, it's days like this that make me wish I had never heard the word depression before and didn't know a thing about it. Just this morning I was feeling thankful for the things that depression had given me--things like compassion and patience. It has made me humble and brought me closer to God. For those things I am thankful. But right now I don't feel so very thankful for what feels like a curse.

I'm off to spend time with a dear friend on her birthday. She's a relatively new friend, but her love and understanding has helped me survive some dark days. Her capacity for compassion is incredible; I want to be like her when I grow up.

John is off doing some important things, but I can't wait to see him tonight. His love for me is also quite amazing to me. Having someone love me that much has definitely helped me make it through the tough times. I will feel better soon, I know it. But I'm glad I have him to love me through it until I do.

i've wanted to do this for some time

I want to start a website. I have a couple of ideas for it. I love the thought of providing resources for people, of gaining readership and building something that people can come to and enjoy. But here's why I hesitate:

1. I tend to move from one topic to another. I fall in love with an idea for a while, but then I move on to the next thing I fall in love with and leave the former thing sitting alone by itself, wondering why it's suddenly so very alone. (Case in point -- DDR. Six months ago I was in LOVE with DDR. Now? I use it about once a month, if that.)

2. I don't post consistently enough right now. If I did start a website, I would need to post frequently -- daily would be optimal.

Well, those are the main reasons for my hesitation, but...I think I'm just going to create one anyway. I need an outlet. And I might as well do this. The fact is, the topic I'm thinking about has been on my mind for a long time -- for two years, at least. It's actually a topic I've always been interested in, so I'm less likely to abandon it.

I'll let you know if I actually do it.

our saturday hike

We hiked South Mountain yesterday. We brought a camera, but the battery died the second we got it out. :( South Mountain was gorgeous, and we saw quail, a cactus wren, a robin, a desert squirrel (that came right up to me when I called it), and a road runner. The hike was beautiful, but we underestimated it.

It looked like it would be a relatively flat hike, and roughly three miles. It turned out to be somewhat of a climb and was more like five miles. So we were out there for two hours. I'm pretty drained today. I think we'll try South Mountain again, but maybe after we're a little more conditioned for it.

lip gloss

My nearly three-year-old niece is obsessed with my ‘lip plumper’ lip gloss. It tingles on your lips when you apply it. Any time we go to my sister & brother-in-law’s house, Sareny runs to me as soon as I come in the house and says, “I want some lip gloss.”

The other day, John and I were planning to go to their house for dinner. Sareny asked her mom, “Is Holli coming over? And her lip gloss?!” I think she probably meant to say, “Is Holli’s lip gloss coming over?”

a happy happy birthday to you from me

I skipped out on my writing class last night to go to a Phoenix Suns game with John. It was totally worth it. Partly because I'm getting bored with my writing class (which probably means an MFA in creative writing isn't in my near future). And partly because basketball is my favorite sport of all time--both for playing and watching--and John has easily sold me on the brilliance of the Phoenix Suns as a team. But mostly because it was so nice to spend some time with my husband.

Especially since yesterday was his birthday eve. Which means that today is...Johnny's birthday!!! Yay. Happy birthday, sweetie. May this year be your best one yet. (You get to look forward to being born in the summer of your twenty-seventh year.)

I'm excited about the presents I bought/made him. I'll soon post pictures of what I made (plus a couple of pictures from Valentine's day). The homemade item I'm proud of because I used my sewing machine by myself, made something without a pattern, and though it has its flaws, it's not bad for a first try. Anyway, can't wait to celebrate tonight.

Happy, happy birthday Johnny dear.

Happy things will come to you all year.

If I had one wish then it would be

A happy, happy birthday to you, from me.

love,

Holli Jo

freeing myself from clutter

My house is a lot cleaner since I posted last. I'm following advice from Zen Habits, and I'm working to develop some simple habits. Here are the current two habits I'm working on:

1. I make our bed every morning. Something about the bed being made changes my whole outlook.

2. I put my clothing away every night. No more piles of clothing by the side of the bed.

I'm working on other stuff too, but these are two habits I am building this month. I will tell you that it has made a difference. I'm more willing to clean up other areas of the house. I'm more empowered to accomplish projects that I have been putting off for two years. TWO YEARS. That is how long we've been married and living in this condo, and that is how long I have waited to print out my wedding pictures. (It's more complicated than just printing the pictures; I also have to find out why some of the pictures have bad resolution and contact my photographer who is also a good friend and have her fix them, and THEN print them. So I'm not just lazy.) But the point is, I feel empowered to actually do all those things I've had on my list.

setting goals for my health

I wish I could find a doctor I had any faith in. I've been experiencing some vertigo/dizziness problems. I went to the doctor today because I am sick of this feeling.

She checked my ears for an inner ear problem and checked my eyes to see if it was a nervous system problem. I guess it wasn't that, because her only advice was: "Rest your eyes every 15-20 minutes."

Thanks. That's $10 advice I could have dispensed to myself. My only other option is to go with the advice of my chiropractor, and drink a special detox beverage. She thinks my hormones are out of whack, and a good detox would clear things right up.

What do I think? I think I need to treat myself to a strict regimen of exercise 5x a week (no excuses!), and seek out a new counselor. The exercise because of all its healing properties, and the counselor because I need a sounding board and because I want to learn to think in new ways. Healthy ways.

I really think exercise is the key to many, many problems in life. Exercise is better than many (if not most) prescription drugs at curing ills. Why I'm not strict about doing it, I haven't figured out. But that's going to change. I'm going to treat exercise like a prescription. It takes longer than swallowing a pill, but I know for me it's just as necessary.

So, along with my house-cleaning habits, I'm going to add exercise in.

zen attitude

I found a website called Zen Habits that I hope will help me get organized. I really like the site so far.

I've just been frustrated (once again) by the fact that my house doesn't stay clean longer than five minutes. I don't have a system set up, and I also have bad habits such as putting my clothes in a pile by the side of my bed at night instead of hanging them up or putting them in the laundry hamper.

I'm tired of it. The clutter gets to me and I feel unsettled. And I feel like I can't start a new project or do anything fun until I get the house in order. But my house is never fully in order, so I never really get any projects done.

happy arizona day

And happy Valentine's day, too. I found this cartoon, and it made me think of my husband. He loves his diet soda. And I love him, so it all works out.

My writing class is tonight, so the Valentine's celebration will not begin until about 8pm tonight when I get home. I am bringing home delicious mediterranean food from one of our favorite restaurants -- Phoenicia Cafe.

And then while we're eating, we might as well watch LOST, even though TV watching is so anti romantic and all that. But...it's LOST!

Anyway, today I am thankful I married John. He is so good to me. We are soul mates if ever there were any. He is my life and my love, and I have truly been blessed to have him.

Happy Valentine's day, sweetie. I love you so hard!

be my valentine

I had a brilliant idea for Valentine's day. I wanted to make something for John, and I came up with a great idea. I've been feeling crafty lately, so I decided I wanted to make him something homemade. I've also been working on a homemade painted card, and I'll post a picture of it soon. It's my first attempt at painting anything at all, so...let's just say it's a little primitive. But I'm proud of it.

So last night found me in Joann fabric, searching for the right fabric for the project and at the same time collecting things I would need -- bobbins, pins, thread, etc. (I have no supplies for sewing at all.) This was all fine until I saw an ex-boyfriend. He's the one that I am embarrassed to have dated. It just feels so awkward to see him. Not to mention that the last time we saw each other (at least a year ago ago), we both pretended we didn't know each other.

This time, we were about two feet apart when we saw each other. By then, there was no way to pretend. We said hi, he's getting married, blah blah blah. I felt so very awkward. Then he starts asking about my project, saying, "Come with me. Let me show you a few things."

I did NOT want my ex-boyfriend to help me with my husband's valentine present, nor did I want him giving me tips about fabric or sewing. Thank goodness my husband called right that moment. He was having a sort of emergency. So I said, "Good to see you. Congrats. I've gotta go." And I left the store.

I tried two other stores for something cool or unusual. But nothing spoke to me at all. So you know where I ended up? The grocery store. I bought my valentine present at a grocery store. It's not homemade. But there's always next year, right?!! At least he gets a homemade card...

today is a gift

I'm exhausted. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically spent and there's pretty much nothing left. There are many explanations and reasons for why I am at this juncture, but what matters is this: it's time to take care of me.

And on a happy note, it seems that I have lost 3 pounds. I had given up on trying, which may be the secret here. I've tried for overall healthy, and tried to be active, but I stopped counting every single calorie that I ate. And that's when I finally lose weight...Interesting.

papago park

John and I hiked Papago Park this weekend. Isn't it beautiful? I wanted to take pictures, but ended up not doing so. However, we are awfully proud of doing a 4-mile hike.

I only wish my eating habits were as proactive and healthy as my exercise is. Baby steps, I guess. We have a scale now, though, so I am trying to be more accountable so I can see the scale go down and not up...

Anyway, the hike was fun. We plan to do it again. The trail was poorly marked, but I guess that was part of the adventure -- figuring out where to go next! I'd like to go hiking or walking 3x a week, but it's hard to squeeze it in to our schedules...it's our aim, though.

my favorite day

It’s my birthday, so I’m going to do a year in review. Some great things have happened this year, and surprisingly, I’ve done some great and interesting things. Sad and hard things have happened as well, but life is like that.

I think I’ve developed as a person this year, and that’s important to me. I think it’s taken me longer than most to get to this point, but at least I got here. This year, in 2007, I look forward to so much more growth and discovery of who I am. Here’s to another wonderful year.

p.s. I look really hot in my new clothes I'm wearing today. Do I care that it's capris and a short-sleeved shirt in the middle of winter? I don't care -- I look hot!

On to the list:

January
I had jury duty for the first time in my life. We got a puppy and a day later realized we shouldn’t keep it. I took a Chinese calligraphy class at ASU. John & I spent our first night apart when John flew to New York for a fellowship assessment. John and I went to San Antonio and also celebrated my birthday there. John gave me a mandolin for my birthday. (I have yet to master the instrument.) John went to the emergency room (it turned out to be an infection that was causing his throat to swell.)

February
I got a raise. John turned 25. We started seeing a nutritionist. I got bronchitis.

March

We had our first wedding anniversary, and spent the night in Tucson. I joined SparkPeople.com. I got fake strep throat. I had a weird reaction from the penicillin for fake strep throat, and the rx was to go to the tanning bed.

April
John and I both got pneumonia. My little sister got married.

May
John graduated with an MPA and was the top scholar/citizen. We bought a PlayStation II and Dance Dance Revolution, and life hasn’t been the same since.

June
We jumped on the LOST bandwagon and caught up on all the episodes. John gave me an iPod. Just because. We babysat our niece while our sister had our nephew.

July
Stuff happened, but I don’t remember what…

August

We took a tour of Colorado City. And some other stuff I don’t remember anymore.

September

My family began their virtual walk across America. John and I locked ourselves out of our house and had to get a locksmith to let us back in. John took a trip to Athens, Georgia to visit the school there.

October
Barbra Streisand called me personally to remind me to vote. John visited Lawrence, Kansas and Bloomington, Indiana to visit potential schools. John got a new job. John and I went with my dad to see the drag races in Las Vegas.

November
John and I both voted. (Thanks, Babs, for reminding us.) John and I took a trip to Newark, Delaware to see the school there. We saw a performance by Dolan Ellis, Arizona’s state balladeer.

December
John got Karaoke Revolution, and life hasn’t been the same since. I got a Magic Bullet and sewing machine for Christmas, and life hasn’t been the same since. I registered for a writing class. We started hiking in earnest.

John and me, for my birthday last year in San Antonio:

birthday cake

I want to make this cake for my birthday:

I don't actually like to eat cake, but I love the way it looks and the traditional birthday feeling it gives you. So, great solution -- fake cake! I won't actually make it, because come on! All those ingredients and work for...a fake cake. But I'm going to file this in my someday file. Everyone should make a fake cake at least once in their lifetime.

wild and precious life

I haven’t mentioned how my writing class went last week. I haven’t written here at all because I’ve been busy writing for the class.

I go into the classroom on Wednesday evening and sit around a circle with about 20 other people. I look at each of them, knowing I will know them all a lot better by the time this class is over.

The teacher makes odd jokes; he tells us we must write ‘real’-- from our hearts. He tells us we must write for 30 minutes, five days a week. He tells us we will be ‘sharing’ our writing with the class. He tells us that this class will change both our writing and our being, or he will personally refund our tuition money.

The teacher says, “If you can’t commit to these things, now is the time to get up and leave.” One person left. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to get up and walk out the classroom door. This class scares me – this writing ‘real’ and sharing it with strangers. But I didn’t get up. I stayed. I know this class is what I need.

The syllabus shares a line from a poem by Mary Oliver:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

That is why I am staying. For the possibilities. For the chance to see myself and the world in a new way. For the chance to live my one wild and precious life.

picture interlude

John and I on our family's annual Christmas eve hike.


John and I at Lake Mead during Christmas after feeding the fish and ducks.


Us on our hike in the White Tank Mountains last weekend.

looking at the bright side

I've had a bit of a bad week. Feeling a little better now.

I'm going to list some of the good changes going on in my life so far this year.

1. I made bread. Not for the first time (maybe the third time), but the first time that it tasted good. And boy did it ever! Sometimes, I'm a really good cook.

2. I go on walks and hikes with John. Our goal is three times a week, and we're doing pretty good. Last Saturday we hiked in the White Tank Mountains. This week I think we're going to try Papago Park. Being outdoors with the one I love really improves my mood. Winter in Arizona is so wonderful.

3. I sewed something. John gave me a sewing machine for Christmas, and I used it! I can't wait to get better at sewing so I can try some of the projects I have floating around in my brain.

4. I'm still registered for the writing class...it starts January 17th. I'm still nervous, but still moving forward with it.

it's a new year

So I've had about a million things I wanted to post on here, but something kept me from it. It's like I got shy or something.

But I guess I'm over that. The new year is upon us, and unlike many people, I love the new year, it is significant to me, and I look at it as a new beginning. Which I could use right about now, so I'm already loving the new year.

I'm so happy. I feel ready for new things. I have a lot of things I want to say, but I guess I'll save them for my next entry.

Happy new year.

christmas greetings

I am at work and racing around trying to finish everything by 3pm, which is when John and I are off to Nevada to spend Christmas with the family. I'm currently exhausted, nostalgic, happy, and a little contemplative. I am thankful for so much this season. I've already blogged about some things, but there never is enough time and space to chronicle it all.

I expect the year 2007 to be my best year yet. I'm excited by some of the goals and plans we have in store for the coming year, but I guess I'll blog about that later. For now, I will say merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Be safe and happy this holiday season, and may the new year bring you good and wonderful things.

love,
Holli

some things I'm thankful for

Rainy days
Cuddling in the morning before work
The Savior
When my niece says, “I want Holli”
Days when the temperature is below 100 (all the time, now)
Days when the temperature is above 60 (often)
Tasty water to drink
Going to the dr. during work hours
Receiving flowers
A good book to read
Giving gifts
My healthy, working body
Dance Dance Revolution
A good family
Friends – both old and new
Delicious food
The moon
Christmas lights
Blogs
LOST
Music
Memories
The Book of Mormon
That we have enough and to spare
A husband who is wonderful beyond all reason and the absolute love of my life

a marriage like that

A good marriage is when you can open up your whole soul, and your spouse sees not only the weaknesses and failings, but also the beauty that is there and loves you for it (and despite it). Even more, he sees the potential waiting there and inspires you to become it.

I am thankful to be blessed with a marriage like that.

random thoughts today

I'm on a Bulgarian food roll -- I made Pulneni Chushki (stuffed peppers) last night. So delicious, except I forgot the most important part -- yogurt. :( But that's ok, because they were still tasty, and somewhat healthy.

And we are officially partied out. We went to a party on Friday and two on Saturday. We were invited to yet another party on Saturday, and were very sad to have to miss it, because we love the people who invited us. But luckily, we get to see them tonight. And as for the parties, I've had enough eating hors d'ouvres and making chit-chat with people I barely know, to last me for a long, LONG time.

Have you jump roped recently? I know you did it in elementary school, but have you done it recently? I pulled out my jump rope on Saturday and jumped for three minutes. That was enough to completely wind me. But the crazy part? I woke up on Sunday with horribly sore calves. And they're still sore today. Just from three minutes of jumping!!! I guess it's a sport you work up to, but I don't remember getting so sore when I did it as a kid.

I don't know how we're going to accomplish everything we have to do by Friday when we go to my parents' house for Christmas. We've got present buying, wrapping, delivering, cleaning, laundry, packing, and all kinds of other things to get done. I'm to the point where I'm considering bringing presents and wrapping paper to work and wrapping presents on my lunch hour...

But I'm excited to get away! And I'm taking time off work, so I'll be away from work for 10 whole days. Yes, 10 days. I'm overjoyed!!!

I'm thankful for so many things right now. Maybe I'll have to do an entry of some of the things I'm thankful for. Good idea.

carbohydrates

I'm proud of myself. Ever since we talked to the nutritionist, I've taken her advice about carbs to heart. Yes, I still eat them, and yes, probably more of them than I should. Baby steps.

What I'm proud of is that I'm really trying to add protein to my diet and cut out carbs. My office has had cookies, cake, and candy galore these last few days. In the past, I would have tried some of each, just because it was there. This time, I'm rejecting most of it outright. If I do indulge, it's a very small bite, and it's because I really want it, not just because it happens to be there.

I'm starting to see benefits already. I feel better about myself. I feel good about making healthy choices, and I know they will pay off. I'm not going to cut anything out of my diet completely, because I think it's okay to indulge every once in a while. But I'm cutting waaaay back on the carbs, especially the sugary ones. It's making a difference.

And this morning I got some health news about my grandma. She's ok, but it reminds me how short our time is, and how we need to make the most of it. Itreminds me that I need to take care of my body and treat it well. I'm glad I'm learning how to eat better now, so that I can be healthy in the future.

i don't know what i was thinking

I have never worn fake nails in my entire life. That's the premise here.

I've also never had great fingernails -- they break easily, so I just keep them short. This has never been a big deal to me. I'm a low-key person, and pretty casual. I've never cared much that my nails don't look fabulously manicured. Even on my wedding day, a day when every other person I know put fake nails on, I sported my own nails. I grew them out a little longer than usual, and got a french manicure from a salon. But they were my own nails.

But yesterday? I got this bright idea to buy fake nails from the grocery store. Why? I don't know. I thought it would be a good idea. And when I get a good idea, I don't let it go. So we went to the store, bought the fake nails, and then I glued them on. That's when I realized I had made a terrible mistake. They actually didn't look half bad, but they hurt like the dickens. And also, I felt like I didn't have full use of my hands anymore. Long nails are such a hindrance!

I figured I was stuck with them for a few days, but one of the nails accidentally popped right off. Aha! I managed to pry the rest of them off too, albeit with some messed up nail beds left behind. All of the fake nails came off, that is, except the one on middle finger of my right hand. And it is stuck to me like glue, as it were.

So now I'm stuck with hideously ugly nails -- glue everywhere, with patches of nail ripped up -- and then one long, french-manicured middle finger. It's ridiculous. My coworker says that if I need to flip somebody off, at least it will look pretty.

And now I know -- I should never, ever put fake nails on ever again. Ever.

i love cabbage

Our nutritionist told us a few months ago that John is insulin resistant. It took me several months to actually believe her. I’m a skeptic, and I had a hard time believing that it’s even possible to eat as few carbs as she suggested we eat. Let alone advisable.

But now I see that it is true. And for health reasons, it’s a good idea to finally pay attention and do something about it. What’s more, I may or may not have an insulin resistance myself, but I DEFINITELY get carb cravings when I don’t eat a ton of them. So what this means is that we have to change our diet around. Someone who’s insulin resistant should eat protein, vegetables, and one serving of a carb item (like rice or pasta) for each meal.

I’ll be honest and say that in the past some of our meals consisted only of carbs. :( I don’t generally like meat. But I loooove carbs. Give me a good loaf of bread and some cold cereal and I’d be fine eating only that for a few days. That’s not good for John, however. (Or me, but that’s another story…)

So last night I made a meal that consisted only of protein and vegetables. No carb at all! You’d expect a meal like that to be boring and gross. (Or at least I would.) But it was delicious! What was it? Well, I drew on my knowledge of Bulgarian cuisine, and morphed it into: cabbage and chicken! Doesn’t sound good on paper, but it was delightful to eat. And low in calories and carbs. I am so proud of myself for creating this dish. I think we’ll be eating it fairly often…

can somebody tell me

Why did God invent PMS?

self-doubt and job woes

I think my job is changing completely, and I'm not sure if I should be excited or scared. I think I'll be learning the ins and outs of PeopleSoft, which could be a good thing. But at the same time, my workload could explode in the next little while, something I am not thrilled about.

I just wish I knew if we were moving in 8 months. If we aren't, then job searching would be my top priority. If we are, I just don't feel right about taking a new job and then leaving six months later. That's not fair to the new employer.

So what I'll do is get all the skills and training I can from this three-month PeopleSoft project. By then, I'll know more about our future, and I can use my new skills toward getting a good job that I like.

In other news, I'm feeling insecure about taking the creative writing class. Mostly I'm insecure about my writing. The thought of reading it out loud in a classroom terrifies me! I'm on the verge of dropping the class, but I know I'll regret it if I do. I can do this, right?

beautiful things

I have a beautiful wedding ring. My husband picked well. And although I told him to spend only a reasonable amount on the ring, he didn't listen to me. As a result, I wear a gorgeous ring on my finger every day.

Even the jewelers, who see flashy jewelry all the time, react to my ring. I picked it up from the jeweler yesterday after having it cleaned, and the jeweler gasped when he opened the box. They always have that reaction to my ring. He said, "Wow. You are lucky."

Yes, I am. And he has no idea how much. Because guess what? The size or price of a wedding ring doesn't say much about the quality of the marriage or of the devotion of the man who gives it to you. So it is lucky indeed that I not only received one of the most beautiful rings ever (thanks, sweetie), but also married one of the best men I know.

Actually, I don't call it 'luck', I call it blessed. And I am.

what I did yesterday

I attended Enrichment (a gathering of women in my church) and learned that I am not nearly thankful enough for the good life I have and the wonderful experiences I have had. Three women spoke of a Christmas from their past, and I was truly amazed. The bishop's wife, who looks like a happy grandma, had experiences in her youth that could have permanently ruined her life. But she didn't let that happen. Anyway, time for me to be grateful for the wonder in my life.

I cleaned my kitchen. For the first time in a long time (I'm embarrassed to say this...), there are not dirty dishes all over the counters. What a wonderful feeling. I also cleaned in my side of the bedroom, but sad to say it is not quite clean enough yet.

I pulled out my guitar and did some playing and singing. My playing was rusty, and I don't think I have a lot of natural talent on the guitar, but you know what? I don't care! Playing and singing give me joy, so I'm going to keep doing it. And if at some point in my life I'm blessed to be able to take guitar lessons, hooray! But until then, I'm going to practice and play on my own. And if I get good enough, maybe I'll give a concert for my family and/or friends. Because music is definitely one of my joys.

he's back

My husband is back on blogger! I'm jumping for joy. Go tell him to keep on blogging, because I have missed his posts terribly.

passion and purpose

I registered for a graduate course next semester. It's called 'Writing and Being'. I'm both excited and nervous. I want to improve my writing, but at the same time, it scares me to think of reading and sharing my writing with a class...

I think it will be good for me. I need a creative outlet. I want to discover and develop my talents. And if this leads to me finding my passion and joy, all the better.

call him the balladeer

Did you know Arizona has an Official State Balladeer? (Evidently Arizona was the first state to have an official state balladeer.) Neither did I. But they do, and John and I got to see him perform last week. His name is Dolan Ellis, and he's a pretty cool performer. He sings songs about Arizona, and some of them are quite catchy. John and I are still singing one of them.

This performance made me think on my cowboy heritage. I need to spend more time around cowboys (the real ones--wearing a hat and boots doesn't necessarily make you a cowboy). They seem to know what life is all about.

thinking about tomorrow

The wheels in my mind are turning. I’ve talked before about life goals and how I don’t really have any. I encourage other people to pursue their dreams, but I don’t look inside myself long enough to know what my dreams even are. So I’m thinking.

And meanwhile, here are pictures from our trip to Delaware. I think I could enjoy autumn if I lived there. In Arizona, all autumn means is that there is darkness after 6pm. That’s depressing to me, and hence why I don’t like fall. However, Delaware convinced me that fall could be pretty nice. Most of the pictures are on University of Delaware's campus.

Pretty, no?

sad

Sometimes life gives you really hard things, so hard you don't think you can survive it. But somehow, in the midst of the pain, you do.

drag races visualized

So I finally uploaded some pictures. I'm really bad at doing that. But since I have pictures, I thought you might enjoy seeing what the drag races really look like...

Do you see all the nasty smoke in the air?

You can hardly see it in the picture, but even the pit crew in the van gets cheers from the crowd. Famous. They're all celebrities.

Aren't we so cute with our big headphones?

That's it for now, but more pictures coming soon...

what are the writers thinking?!

Didn't forget to watch LOST...but geez, what a disappointing episode.

*Spoilers ahead*

If that was supposed to be a 'cliffhanger', it failed miserably. Okay, so Ben might die. Who cares?! He's interesting, but he's one of the 'Others'. So someone is holding a gun to Sawyer's head. Does anyone really believe he's going to die? NO! Everyone knows that Sawyer is LOST's meal ticket. They're not going to get rid of him. So Jack is trying to save Kate again...doesn't he do that every episode?

So where's the suspense? Very weak episode, especially since we've got three months to wait for the next one. Oh, and did they think they could write in two new characters that have supposedley been there all along and not have us notice that we've NEVER ONCE seen them before?

I really wish the writers would quit trying to increase viewership and just write the show as it was meant to be. I don't want to lose faith in LOST...

ampersand

I voted yesterday. There were a few tough decisions, and one where I had to vote for 'the other guy' aka the Libertarian candidate, simply because the other two choices were unacceptable to me. (I wanted to write in John, but he says he's too young.) But I voted.

And then I received two separate telephone calls from volunteers who thanked me for voting. What could I say besides, "Uh...you're welcome?" I am officially free from political calls for the next while!!

In other news, we're going to be in Delaware for the next few days ("Hi. I'm in...Delaware.") checking out the school. We should be in for some fun times.

We're not going to forget to watch LOST today. It better be good!

time is a blur

My wall calendar is still on October. I haven’t changed it partly from sheer laziness, but also because I’m in denial. I don’t want it to be November. I don’t like fall. I don't love winter. And I certainly don’t like how fast time is flying by me.

poems

I’ve written poetry on and off for most of my life. For the past few years, it’s been off. I think the last decent poem I wrote was in the year 2000 while I was living in Beijing.

I miss the days when I used to write poetry. I don’t know that I ever gave myself a chance with it. I submitted poems once to a literary journal (can’t remember which one), but I think it was one with a very small acceptance rate. I could have kept trying, but I didn’t.

Anyway, I’ve been going to poetry daily to get my fix of good poems, and I’m getting inspired. If you like poetry, I highly recommend the site. I love the way poetry makes me feel. I even dreamed I was writing it the other night. Perhaps poetry will come back to me soon.

nano is no more

Remember that one time when I said I was going to do nanowrimo? Well, I was wrong. I started on November 1st, and I wrote 1,066 words, which is only 600 words short of my quota of the day. Which is no big deal -- what's 600 words when you're writing up to 2,500 words a day?

But the bottom line is, nothing that I wrote spoke to me. I had to face facts: I needed just a hint of a plot. I needed at least one character I cared about. I didn't want to slog through thirty days of writing trash I didn't like.

So I quit. And then my husband tells me that I left my nanowrimo document open and he read it. He said it was so good that I *had* to finish it. He said I was wasting my talent. I was shocked by this, because my first reaction was absolute horror that any human besides me saw such crap writing. For him to think it was good...well, it's flattering. It makes me wonder if perhaps I am too hard on myself and my writing.

But it's not going to make me continue with nanowrimo. My heart's not in it this year. Maybe next year. I will say this: my nemisis Stacey Cochran (I don't know him, and he doesn't know me or have any idea that he is my nemisis) *is* participating in nanowrimo, and that provokes me ALMOST to the point of saying YES! I will beat Stacey Cochran this year! But the truth is, I won't. But next year, Stacey! Next year! You just watch out.

mini me

Okay, so my friend Erin posted a while back about herself in anime, and I created my anime self too. But I never posted it. However, I think mini me is too darn cute not to share.

Does it look like me? I think it does a little, except I accidentally gave mini me violet eyes, and mine are blue, or green, or hazel or something. And also, I wish I were as cute as me in anime. I am quite adorable, no?

Make your own anime self here. I used Candybar Doll Maker 3. Just be warned that it is addicting!

nanowrimo fever

Am I crazy? I just commited myself to nanowrimo -- you all know what that is by now, right? National Novel Writing Month, for the unaware. (And it started today) You write a 50,000 word novel in one month, and that's all there is to it. But 'all there is to it' means I'll be writing an average of 1,666 words per day. I am crazy.

I actually did this once before, in 2002. My sister and I joined nanowrimo, and we each finished our novels in 30 days. In 26 days, actually. We finished early. (Because of a deadline we couldn't get out of. Otherwise, I would have been up til midnight on November 30th.) We were fueled on by fellow Arizonan Stacey Cochran, who actually had a published novel under his belt. He doesn't know us and we don't know him, but we could not, could NOT let him finish his novel before we did. And I actually wrote a novel. A very bad, amateurish novel, but a novel, all the same.

But that was three years ago. That was when I was young, had energy, had no obligation to anyone or anything. However, a while back, John and I discussed nanowrimo, and we both decided to go for it. I forgot all about it. I didn't plan a plot, characters, nothing. But today, John said, "I signed up for nanowrimo. Did you?" I panicked. I can't write a novel! I don't have it in me!

But I didn't want to go back on my word. I said I would do it with him, and so I will. And thus far, I've got a page-and-a-half written. 521 words, to be exact. 1,145 words to go. I don't know if I can do it, but I'm suddenly excited to take on the challenge.

rednecks and race cars

My dad took John and me to see the NHRA drag races in Las Vegas this weekend. What an experience. You may not be able to picture what it’s like, so let me enlighten you.

*NASCAR is the one that goes around a track a million times. Drag races are the ones where each race lasts about 4 seconds.

*Some of the cars run on tear gas (or something like it). I was standing 20 feet away from one of the cars practically crying my eyes out. Some people were standing less than 5 feet away.

*The race car drivers are celebrities. We walked around the pit area, and every time a crowd formed, we knew that a driver was in his pit area. Have you heard of John Force before? Yeah, neither had I. But he’s famous. Wait, is he the one with a TV show? Then maybe you have heard of him. How about Tony Schumacher, Jason Line, Morgan Lucas? Famous.

*One of the official sponsors was Skoal. Other sponsors were giving out free samples. I kept waiting for a free sample of Skoal. “Here, have some free cancer!”

*Speaking of cancer, evidently there are no laws in L.V. to protect nonsmokers from second-hand smoke. We were packed tightly in a stadium, and I can’t tell you how many people lit up and blew their disgusting smoke on everyone around them. I don’t care if it’s legal or not – if they had any decency they’d get up and go out for a smoking break.

*Not that it mattered much anyway. Those cars emitted so many fumes it was scary. I think the drag races have single-handedly destroyed the ozone. In one day.

*The drag races last for three days – Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Of course, you can’t go to the drag races on Sunday – you’d miss church. But wait! Not to worry – they provide church services ON SITE. So you can watch your favorite race car driver, attend church, AND eat carnival food all at the same time! Hooray!

Well, I’ve never seen a bunch of people who were more serious about their ‘sport’. It was hilarious and enlightening, to say the least. And also, the races were pretty dang cool. Watching a car go 330 mph is just amazingly cool. I don’t care who you are.

how could we?!!

Last night we were in bed and John said, "You looking at my bum?", which is a Charlie quote from LOST. Suddenly the realization sank in and we both gasped at the same time -- We'd forgotten to watch LOST!

Luckily, I think we can watch the episode at abc.com today. But still...it's not the same watching it on a computer screen. I can't believe we forgot LOST!!!

blink and you miss it

I'm slowly moving out of the funk I was in. You want to know how I know?

Because I cleaned my kitchen. Because I want to take guitar lessons. Because I want to write poetry. Because I'm interested in people again. Because missing my husband (he's in Kansas) doesn't make me feel sad, it makes me feel alive.

fast moving blues

I need a paper journal to record thoughts like these.

I can’t hold it together anymore. I realized that I am not working toward any goals, and I’m not accomplishing much of anything. I worry incessantly about things outside my control. I don’t do much about the things within my control.

I’m struggling. Not sure what to do about it. I want to run and keep on running. But I probably won’t.

funny girl

Someone called my cell phone today while I was on my work phone and left me a message. When I checked the message, it was from Barbara Streisand. She was just calling to remind me to vote. Seriously. That's all she wanted. Thanks for the reminder, Babs. I appreciate the call.

in paradise

Did I say that Karate Kid was the best movie ever? Well, that was before I saw Paradise, Hawaiian Style. This movie has picturesque Hawaiian background, beautiful people frolicking about in bathing suits, romance, hijinks, a fist fight, superfluous use of cheesy songs, and...Elvis. Top THAT Karate Kid!

missing the one i love

Went on a walk today and listened to the iPod -- Iron and Wine, Lion’s mane. The sound and lyrics make me feel sad. Especially when my beloved is flying on an airplane hundreds of miles from here.

and love is the scene i render
when you catch me wide awake
and love is the dream you enter
though i shake & shake & shake you
and love's the best endeavor
waiting in the lion's mane
-------

if only...

If only I hadn’t wanted to soak in the hot tub with my soul mate late on Friday night.

If only John and I hadn’t each thought the other person brought the house key.

If only we hadn’t locked the front door.

If only we had brought a cell phone with us.

If only we weren’t in bathing suits when we asked to use the phone at Hungry Howie’s.

If only the locksmith had been more competent and hadn’t taken more than an hour to drill through our front door.

If only he hadn’t charged $150 for the service.

If only.

The good news? We’re both alive, we’re healthy, and we had some extra money lying around in our account, just waiting for an emergency to happen. So everything’s A-ok. Except I never did get to soak it up in the hot tub with my soul mate.

my lost thoughts

We finished Season 2 of LOST last night. Oh my goodness. Several episodes in a row that were just crazy! Here are some of my thoughts. (I never thought I would be a person to write my thoughts about a TV show, but...here I am.)

*Season 2 Spoiler alert*

1. Several people mentioned that we might be disappointed by Season 2. That was not the case. Maybe it's because we got to see all the episodes one after another, but each episode drew me in and intrigued me. Maybe I wasn't disappointed because I didn't expect any real answers. Nah, I can tell that the writers enjoy keeping us in the dark just enough to drive us crazy.

2. I'm totally shocked by how many people died this season. Shot dead. I was really starting to care about Libby and can't believe the writers had the audacity to cut her out. Not fair! And Michael -- I knew he was too emotional and selfish and couldn't be trusted, but to kill people? I don't know about that.

3. What about Hurley's fear that the Island is just a figment of his warped brain? It never really cleared that up to my satisfaction. Is the final season going to cut to a scene of Hurley in the psych ward, explaining away the whole story as part of his imagination? I hope not, but it seems like the option is there.

4. Polar bears seem to be a running theme in many of the episodes. Sometimes a very subtle reference, but often there. I'm sure there are many other subtle themes like that. Makes me want to watch all the episodes over again!

5. Now we're just like everybody else, watching the shows one week at a time. :(

blue girl

I'm feeling a little better today. I got home yesterday and my husband had cleaned up the house, emptied the dishwasher, and taken out the trash. How wonderful is he? I knew those things needed to be done, but I just didn't have the energy for them. I'm so blessed to have a husband who saw that I was struggling and did something thoughtful to help out.

My visiting teacher came over last night, and when she asked the requisite question, "How are you doing?" I responded with, "Great. Everything is fine." And everything wasn't fine. The ache in my chest was still there. When you come to my house once a month or so and stay for 15 minutes and then ask me how I'm doing, how in the world would you expect me to answer that question honestly? I'm just going to say everything's A-OK. This is more a lesson to me than pointing a finger at her. I have visit taught many women and I probably missed out on how they were really doing because I didn't take time to be their friend.

Anyway, I'm still not 100% back to happy, but I think I'm a little better.

disclaimer

I've been so down lately. It's really been a damper on my blogging, on my life, on my accomplishing anything at all. I don't know what the deal is, but I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. And this is one of those weeks where hiding out isn't very possible.

But I will make time for more episodes of LOST. We bought the DVDs on the 6th, and we are almost through the whole season. I'd like to take my time and enjoy each episode slowly. Then again, our impatience wins out because we can't wait to see more of the story. We average 3-4 episodes per night.

Otherwise, I'll be either busy or reading books. My mood is not going to allow for much else.

ciao,
Holli

gonna change my way of thinking

I've been feeling so nostalgic the past few days. Maybe it's because an old friend is in town visiting. But my mood has bordered on the sad.

We watched a LOST episode last night (Season 2, baby!) and Hurley was scared that everything was about to change. Locke said, "Change is good." Hurley replied, "Everyone says that, but it's not true."

Is change a good thing? There are times when I love change. I've moved five times in the past five years. I loved living in China on a whim. I love thinking that in one year we'll be in an entirely new place so that John can get his PhD.

The hard part about change is the way it affects relationships. One of my best friends moved to Washington a few years ago. My siblings got married and started having kids. My parents are getting older. I don't see my friends from college anymore. I got married, and friends I used to hang out with several times a week I'm lucky if I see once a month. Things just change.

When I was a missionary in Bulgaria and it was nearly time for me to come back home, I was so excited to go home to my family, but so sad to leave all my friends in Bulgaria behind. I wished so much that I didn't have to give up one to have the other. But that's the way it is. You leave one place and leave friends behind, but you make new friends in the place you go to.

I think Locke is right. Change is a good thing. It brings many new experiences and friends into my life that I wouldn't have otherwise. I just sometimes wish I could stop time and keep everyone I love with me forever.

top movies from my childhood

I'm listing my childhood favorite movies, too. Aren't there those movies that are so dear to your heart, that no matter how many other movies you see, none can top the ones from your childhood? Me too.

The top five:

Swiss Family Robinson

I love, love, love this movie. Who doesn’t? Tight-knit family, daring adventures, wild animals, marauding pirates, handsome brothers, and they live in a TREEHOUSE! I wanted that treehouse so bad it hurt. Then all my dreams came true when I toured a reasonable facsimile at Disneyland. And then my dreams were shattered when they turned Swiss Family Treehouse into Tarzan’s Treehouse. What the …?!!!

Candleshoe

A girl from the streets pretends to be the long-lost granddaughter of an eccentric old woman so that she can search for the treasure hidden somewhere in the mansion. (I’m a sucker for movies about hidden treasure.) But then she starts to fall in love with the motley family she planned to steal from, and that’s when it gets good. Disney and Jodie Foster at their best! I will always have a place in my heart for this movie.

The Goonies

At the time that I saw this movie, it seemed like the most amazing, most adventure-filled, funniest, and scariest movie I had ever seen. My parents were in Las Vegas when my siblings and I watched this, and I was truly scared! The Fratellis were frightening (especially Sloth!), the gang was so funny, and their underground adventure and search for pirate treasure is every kid’s dream. And also I was in love with Sean Astin.

The Neverending Story

Back in the days of cassette tapes and VHS, my parents rented this movie for us while they went out on a date. My brother, sister, and I watched it and fell in love. We loved it so much that we had to have it for our very own. So what did we do? We got out our tape recorder, put it up next to the TV as the movie replayed, and recorded the whole movie onto cassette tape. Did we ever listen to that tape? I think only once, but it makes me smile at how ardent our love was for that movie. I believe that tape is still around somewhere.

The Karate Kid

My sister and I used to play that the Kobra Kai gang was chasing us. Also, my sister was the sensei of the karate dojo while I ran the knitting class (“This is a karate dojo, not a knitting class!” – Why did my sis get to do karate while I knitted?!!) Like I said in a previous entry (and I stand by this), I don’t know if you can make a movie better than the Karate Kid – action, romance, character-building, comedy, suspense, and catching flies with chopsticks. What other movie has all that?!

5 most influential books from my youth

I’ve noticed that the things I saw and read in my childhood made such an impression on me. I’ll read a book or watch a movie now and forget it by next week. But the stuff from my childhood, some of those things I’ll never forget.

It’s hard to quantify which books were the best or meant the most, but the five listed below truly made an impression on my life.

Island of the Blue Dolphins
by Scott O’Dell

This book was so well-written, so lyrical, so tragic. I was mesmerized by the story of one solitary girl’s survival on an island. It was haunting, and the story stuck with me long after I read it.

Summer of the Monkeys
by Wilson Rawls

This book was so vivid to me, and so magical. The adventures of one boy and his desire to earn money for a horse knew no bounds. The monkeys were hilarious. The story was touching. The little sister Daisy was so influential for me that in 3rd grade my goal in life was to become a nurse. (And then I learned that nursing involved blood and other bodily fluids and my dreams were quickly shattered.) But Summer of the Monkeys is one book I will always treasure.

The Little Princess
by Frances Hodgson Burnett

Sara Crewe was the portrait of a princess – kind, giving, loving, open-hearted – even when life turned against her. She started out as the star pupil at a boarding school, but circumstances brought her low and she became the maid to girls she once learned with. Her imagination and buoyant spirit couldn’t keep her down, and this is one book I plan to pass along to my kids.

Anne of Green Gables
by L. M. Montgomery

Who wasn’t in love with Anne of Green Gables? I think I dreamed of having a bosom friend just as wonderful as Anne was. Her vivid imagination and flair for the dramatic made the books delightful to read. And Gilbert Blythe? Come on! Every girl loved this story, and if you haven’t read it, remedy that right now!

Trixie Belden series
by Julie Campbell / Kathryn Kenny

Oh, Trixie Belden. Loved her name. Loved her detective adventure stories. She and the gang (comprised of her brothers and several friends) were always having adventures. Trixie would discover some kind of mystery, but no one would believe her until she had solved it and saved the day. I think I loved her because while she was nothing like me (she was tomboyish and daring), she was also not the most beautiful, she was clumsy, and she sometimes made mistakes. I related. “Oh whoa!” Plus, this is the series that inspired my dream to become a writer. I am still in the process of collecting all the books in the series (There are 39 total), which isn’t easy as they’ve been out of print for a while.

maybe we should move to australia...

My husband had one of those days yesterday -- a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. I'm not going to chronicle it (he might, who knows), but send some good vibes his way, okay? He could definitely use them.

It's Friday! I haven't been good about updating my blog lately. Maybe because I just don't have a lot to say.

Recently I weighed myself and found out that I had gained two pounds. Fact: If I eat cookies and candy all day at work and don't exercise when I get home, I'm going to gain weight. So...I decided to start up SparkPeople again (I sort of slacked on that) and watch what I eat. John has been good at keeping me motivated for the exercise. He keeps going on DDR after I would have stopped, so I get more exercise in, which is good.

AND, I got enough sleep last night, which is a first. Guess what? I don't feel tired today! I feel wonderful. All I did was go to bed an hour earlier, and look what happens! I can't believe the difference it made for me.

How boring am I? Talking about losing weight and sleeping. Sigh.

monday monday monday

Happy Monday. Top thoughts of the day.

5. I hate work. The situation just gets worse. A coworker was brought into the boss's office and berated for things she had no control over. We all pray for a way out of this office.

4. I taught Relief Society at church yesterday, and the lesson was on families and eternal life. I feel the need to be a better person. I know I need to, but it's so hard to change!

3. I need a haircut desperately. My last haircut was great, and looked sort of like this, though with less bangs. I think I'll do something similar again:










2. Saved by the Bell watching is going strong. I know you're dying for some quotes:

Mr. Belding: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! *What* is going on here?!!
.......
Zack: I like school... it's a good way to kill time between weekends.
.......
Lisa: Screech, would you like to rejoin the human race?
Screech: You always said I wasn't a member.
Lisa: I'll sneak you in.
............

1. I am so excited! My husband said I can crochet this and he would wear it!:

SBTB!

Guess what we just purchased?
Yep, Saved By The Bell Seasons 3 & 4! (I gave John Seasons 1 & 2 for Christmas.) Any guess as to what we've been doing lately? John and I have some specific goals we're working on, and to stay motivated, we get rewards! This is John's first reward for doing well on his goals. May he accomplish many others and bring us closer to owning all the Saved By The Bell episodes!

We've been watching lots of episodes every night. And sadly, I've been neglecting my crocheting. Usually I crochet while watching episodes, but I got sick of it! While on our trip last week, I crocheted all the way to Nevada, all the way to Utah, and all the way back to Nevada again. In all, I think I crocheted 40 rows of the baby blanket I'm giving to my nephew Isaac. I finished the body but still have the edge to do. I'm just crocheted out!

In other news: I'm Kelly Kapowski. But I have a hard time believing that's true. Which character are you?




Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?

I'm sure I've mentioned before that:
I still hate my job, and that gets me down sometimes, BUT...
It's alright, cause I'm saved by the bell!

weekend update

This past week has been quite busy. First, my younger sister Alexis came to visit for the week. Since she was about 11 and I was living in Provo, Utah, she has come to visit for a week during the summer. Now she's a senior in high school, and the tradition lives on!

We had fun doing DDR together, clothes shopping, watching Saved by the Bell episodes (Oh, Saved by the Bell, how I love you!), and eating delicious food. Good times.

On Friday, John, Alexis and I took a road trip to Nevada to take her back home. Saturday morning we were up early and on the road to St. George to see my cousin's wedding in the St. George temple.

We decided that it would be necessary to visit the St. George Wal-Mart. Why? Well, John had never seen a poligamist before, and we needed to remedy that. (What? You haven't seen a poligamist either? Well, you're missing out on an interesting phenomenon. I direct you to the Wal-Mart store in St. George, Utah, usually in the fabric section. I guarantee you'll see at least one.) I won't tell the rest of that story for now, because I think my husband is going to tell it. But rest assured, poligamist sitings galore were had by all.

Sunday morning we went to church with my family, watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (which was much better than I expected it to be), and then drove back to good old Arizona. I wasn't ready to come back, though. I love being around my family.

chinese proverbs and calligraphy

A while back I said I would post projects from my Chinese calligraphy class. And today is the day that I do.

I took the class this past spring, but I've been wanting to take it since 2001. It was a dream, and I did it. The reason I wanted to take it? I was in China, November of 2000. My American friends and I were walking through a park in Beijing. The weather was cool, and it was overcast as usual.

As we walked along, I saw an older Chinese man. He was holding a paint brush that was nearly as tall as he was, and he was standing straight, painting Chinese characters on the sidewalk. But the brush was made of sponge, and the 'paint' was actually water. He would paint a row of beautiful Chinese characters and by the time he got through several rows, the first row had faded away to nothing.

It was spontaneous art, and the beauty of it overwhelmed me. The man didn't care how fleeting his art was, he was only intent on creating it. Right then I decided I wanted to learn Chinese calligraphy. I didn't think I'd ever get the chance.

Then I came to ASU in 2001 and saw that they offered Chinese calligraphy courses once a year! The planets never aligned until this year. It was one credit hour; it was fun. Chinese calligraphy is very relaxing, and I think I'm actually good at it!

Here are a couple of projects.

This first one is a rough draft of the final project we had to turn in. I don't know what the writing says; it's from an inscription written on somebody's tomb. This is the project my teacher was so impressed with she offered to frame it while she was in China! I was speechless...

And this last pic is actually a project I did after the class was over. I made it for my husband when he graduated from ASU with his MPA. I can't remember the exact translation, but here's the gist: "When you have climbed the highest peak, the mountains below you seem small."

Anyway, I love Chinese calligraphy. It's an art form that I would like to keep up because it's beautiful, it's relaxing, and it's a hobby that's pretty unique (unless you're in China!).

a handful of nothing

Hey, all! I've been busy the past while, so I haven't been good at updating. Maybe when I start updating again, I'll include pictures more regularly...maybe. Or then again, perhaps I'll start a blog completely elsewhere. Who knows.

Have a good weekend.

pet peeve

You know what I hate? I'm at a restaurant, eating food, and the server asks if they can take my plate away.

Worst way: "Are you still working on that?" Working on that?! Yes, I'm still eating, and thanks for effectively making me feel like a piggy for still 'working on that'.

Let me eat my food in peace! Quit trying to take my plate away before I'm done.

Thank you. I feel better now.

so i'm a little quirky

I don't have obsessive/compulsive disorder. I'm telling you that right now. That's because I researched it -- I've often wondered about some of my behaviors.

For example:

At home, we have tile in the kitchen. I can only step on tiles diagonally -- I can't step on adjacent tiles. I do this pretty much without thinking.

At work, it's even worse. We have dark and light carpet squares. My left foot can only step on the light tiles; right foot can only step on dark tiles. I don't sit around thinking about this or planning to do it, it's just what I automatically do!

Then there's the stairs. I don't even know how to describe my strange system, but I guess you could say I favor the right foot. Anytime there's a railing on a stair, my right foot has to step on that stair. So when I walk up or downstairs to our condo, I use the same starting foot each time.

And then there's the rhythm I automatically click my teeth to (hard to explain). I've tried to stop doing it because it's annoying (to me -- I don't think anyone else could notice) and because it probably damages my jaw, but when I stop with the teeth, my fingers start tapping out the rhythm instead. And before I know it, my teeth are at it again. It's weird.

Anyone else have unexplainable quirks?

one word meme -- crazy!

Taken from many other blogs. Try it.

1. Yourself: mysterious
2. Your partner: brilliant
3. Your hair: unpredictable
4. Your mother: amazing
5. Your father: invincible
6. Your favorite item: DDR
7. Your dream last night: nostalgic
8. Your favorite drink: water
9. Your dream home: untraditional
10. The room you are in: cubicle
11. Your pleasure: reading
12. Your fear: failure
13. Where you want to be in 10 years: prosperous
14. Who you hung out with last night: professors
15. What you're not: loud
16. Your best friend: understands
17. One of your wish list items: bicycle
18. Your gender: rules
19. The last thing you did: stretch
20. What you are wearing: stripes
21. Your favorite weather: rainy
22. Your favorite book: many
23. Last thing you ate: starburst
24. Your life: fantastic
25. Your mood: frustrated
26. The last person you talked to on the phone: anonymous
27. Who/what are you thinking about right now: johnny

existential crisis

I feel like a failure today. I'm 31 years old. Thirty one! My accomplishments are few compared to many others. I know it's not productive to think and talk this way, but I guess I thought I would be more by now.

I know there is something important for me to do in this life; I just wish I knew what it was.

short-term goals

My very short-term goals. I'm going to focus on these fairly exclusively right now.

Job search. I'm searching hard until the right opportunity arises.

Get in contact with old friends. I'm feeling an extreme need to speak to people I haven't talked to in years. I don't know why. I only know that I feel sad I ever lost contact with some of them, so now starts the task of finding them and getting back in touch. Why did I let some of my good friends go? I don't know how to describe or even explain my level of distress over this loss.

Practice my guitar and mandolin. I'm going to start a band someday. I'm going to cut a record. Then you can say that you knew me. Or read my blog or something.

Read a bunch. I made a goal to read a book a week for the year 2006. I'm a little behind -- we're on week 28 and I've only read 24 books. The problem is that I often start books but don't like them enough to finish them. Most of them self-help books (see embarrassing post). So, time to start reading some good fiction. Nancy Pearl, my librarian idol, gave some good ideas on NPR the other morning. If you have any suggestions, let me know. I'm partial to teen & young adult fiction.

Those are the main things right now, besides exercise and eat right. I want to mention that I have made a concerted effort to exercise every day, cook healhty meals EVERY DAY, and even make healthy lunches for John and I. This is exhausting, which is why we used to eat out a lot. We don't anymore. On Saturday, I made two dinners and froze them both. So that helps a little. But for the most part, I spend a lot of time in the kitchen creating healthy masterpieces, and that is time I used to spend elsewhere. Sigh. I just feel extremely nostalgic. I feel like I missed out on something important and it's too late to go back and get it. This attitude is very defeating, because it prevents me from living my life now, and that's a waste. Hopefully this funk will move on down the road relatively soon.