my favorite day

It’s my birthday, so I’m going to do a year in review. Some great things have happened this year, and surprisingly, I’ve done some great and interesting things. Sad and hard things have happened as well, but life is like that.

I think I’ve developed as a person this year, and that’s important to me. I think it’s taken me longer than most to get to this point, but at least I got here. This year, in 2007, I look forward to so much more growth and discovery of who I am. Here’s to another wonderful year.

p.s. I look really hot in my new clothes I'm wearing today. Do I care that it's capris and a short-sleeved shirt in the middle of winter? I don't care -- I look hot!

On to the list:

January
I had jury duty for the first time in my life. We got a puppy and a day later realized we shouldn’t keep it. I took a Chinese calligraphy class at ASU. John & I spent our first night apart when John flew to New York for a fellowship assessment. John and I went to San Antonio and also celebrated my birthday there. John gave me a mandolin for my birthday. (I have yet to master the instrument.) John went to the emergency room (it turned out to be an infection that was causing his throat to swell.)

February
I got a raise. John turned 25. We started seeing a nutritionist. I got bronchitis.

March

We had our first wedding anniversary, and spent the night in Tucson. I joined SparkPeople.com. I got fake strep throat. I had a weird reaction from the penicillin for fake strep throat, and the rx was to go to the tanning bed.

April
John and I both got pneumonia. My little sister got married.

May
John graduated with an MPA and was the top scholar/citizen. We bought a PlayStation II and Dance Dance Revolution, and life hasn’t been the same since.

June
We jumped on the LOST bandwagon and caught up on all the episodes. John gave me an iPod. Just because. We babysat our niece while our sister had our nephew.

July
Stuff happened, but I don’t remember what…

August

We took a tour of Colorado City. And some other stuff I don’t remember anymore.

September

My family began their virtual walk across America. John and I locked ourselves out of our house and had to get a locksmith to let us back in. John took a trip to Athens, Georgia to visit the school there.

October
Barbra Streisand called me personally to remind me to vote. John visited Lawrence, Kansas and Bloomington, Indiana to visit potential schools. John got a new job. John and I went with my dad to see the drag races in Las Vegas.

November
John and I both voted. (Thanks, Babs, for reminding us.) John and I took a trip to Newark, Delaware to see the school there. We saw a performance by Dolan Ellis, Arizona’s state balladeer.

December
John got Karaoke Revolution, and life hasn’t been the same since. I got a Magic Bullet and sewing machine for Christmas, and life hasn’t been the same since. I registered for a writing class. We started hiking in earnest.

John and me, for my birthday last year in San Antonio:

birthday cake

I want to make this cake for my birthday:

I don't actually like to eat cake, but I love the way it looks and the traditional birthday feeling it gives you. So, great solution -- fake cake! I won't actually make it, because come on! All those ingredients and work for...a fake cake. But I'm going to file this in my someday file. Everyone should make a fake cake at least once in their lifetime.

wild and precious life

I haven’t mentioned how my writing class went last week. I haven’t written here at all because I’ve been busy writing for the class.

I go into the classroom on Wednesday evening and sit around a circle with about 20 other people. I look at each of them, knowing I will know them all a lot better by the time this class is over.

The teacher makes odd jokes; he tells us we must write ‘real’-- from our hearts. He tells us we must write for 30 minutes, five days a week. He tells us we will be ‘sharing’ our writing with the class. He tells us that this class will change both our writing and our being, or he will personally refund our tuition money.

The teacher says, “If you can’t commit to these things, now is the time to get up and leave.” One person left. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to get up and walk out the classroom door. This class scares me – this writing ‘real’ and sharing it with strangers. But I didn’t get up. I stayed. I know this class is what I need.

The syllabus shares a line from a poem by Mary Oliver:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

That is why I am staying. For the possibilities. For the chance to see myself and the world in a new way. For the chance to live my one wild and precious life.

picture interlude

John and I on our family's annual Christmas eve hike.


John and I at Lake Mead during Christmas after feeding the fish and ducks.


Us on our hike in the White Tank Mountains last weekend.

looking at the bright side

I've had a bit of a bad week. Feeling a little better now.

I'm going to list some of the good changes going on in my life so far this year.

1. I made bread. Not for the first time (maybe the third time), but the first time that it tasted good. And boy did it ever! Sometimes, I'm a really good cook.

2. I go on walks and hikes with John. Our goal is three times a week, and we're doing pretty good. Last Saturday we hiked in the White Tank Mountains. This week I think we're going to try Papago Park. Being outdoors with the one I love really improves my mood. Winter in Arizona is so wonderful.

3. I sewed something. John gave me a sewing machine for Christmas, and I used it! I can't wait to get better at sewing so I can try some of the projects I have floating around in my brain.

4. I'm still registered for the writing class...it starts January 17th. I'm still nervous, but still moving forward with it.

it's a new year

So I've had about a million things I wanted to post on here, but something kept me from it. It's like I got shy or something.

But I guess I'm over that. The new year is upon us, and unlike many people, I love the new year, it is significant to me, and I look at it as a new beginning. Which I could use right about now, so I'm already loving the new year.

I'm so happy. I feel ready for new things. I have a lot of things I want to say, but I guess I'll save them for my next entry.

Happy new year.

christmas greetings

I am at work and racing around trying to finish everything by 3pm, which is when John and I are off to Nevada to spend Christmas with the family. I'm currently exhausted, nostalgic, happy, and a little contemplative. I am thankful for so much this season. I've already blogged about some things, but there never is enough time and space to chronicle it all.

I expect the year 2007 to be my best year yet. I'm excited by some of the goals and plans we have in store for the coming year, but I guess I'll blog about that later. For now, I will say merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Be safe and happy this holiday season, and may the new year bring you good and wonderful things.

love,
Holli

some things I'm thankful for

Rainy days
Cuddling in the morning before work
The Savior
When my niece says, “I want Holli”
Days when the temperature is below 100 (all the time, now)
Days when the temperature is above 60 (often)
Tasty water to drink
Going to the dr. during work hours
Receiving flowers
A good book to read
Giving gifts
My healthy, working body
Dance Dance Revolution
A good family
Friends – both old and new
Delicious food
The moon
Christmas lights
Blogs
LOST
Music
Memories
The Book of Mormon
That we have enough and to spare
A husband who is wonderful beyond all reason and the absolute love of my life

a marriage like that

A good marriage is when you can open up your whole soul, and your spouse sees not only the weaknesses and failings, but also the beauty that is there and loves you for it (and despite it). Even more, he sees the potential waiting there and inspires you to become it.

I am thankful to be blessed with a marriage like that.

random thoughts today

I'm on a Bulgarian food roll -- I made Pulneni Chushki (stuffed peppers) last night. So delicious, except I forgot the most important part -- yogurt. :( But that's ok, because they were still tasty, and somewhat healthy.

And we are officially partied out. We went to a party on Friday and two on Saturday. We were invited to yet another party on Saturday, and were very sad to have to miss it, because we love the people who invited us. But luckily, we get to see them tonight. And as for the parties, I've had enough eating hors d'ouvres and making chit-chat with people I barely know, to last me for a long, LONG time.

Have you jump roped recently? I know you did it in elementary school, but have you done it recently? I pulled out my jump rope on Saturday and jumped for three minutes. That was enough to completely wind me. But the crazy part? I woke up on Sunday with horribly sore calves. And they're still sore today. Just from three minutes of jumping!!! I guess it's a sport you work up to, but I don't remember getting so sore when I did it as a kid.

I don't know how we're going to accomplish everything we have to do by Friday when we go to my parents' house for Christmas. We've got present buying, wrapping, delivering, cleaning, laundry, packing, and all kinds of other things to get done. I'm to the point where I'm considering bringing presents and wrapping paper to work and wrapping presents on my lunch hour...

But I'm excited to get away! And I'm taking time off work, so I'll be away from work for 10 whole days. Yes, 10 days. I'm overjoyed!!!

I'm thankful for so many things right now. Maybe I'll have to do an entry of some of the things I'm thankful for. Good idea.

carbohydrates

I'm proud of myself. Ever since we talked to the nutritionist, I've taken her advice about carbs to heart. Yes, I still eat them, and yes, probably more of them than I should. Baby steps.

What I'm proud of is that I'm really trying to add protein to my diet and cut out carbs. My office has had cookies, cake, and candy galore these last few days. In the past, I would have tried some of each, just because it was there. This time, I'm rejecting most of it outright. If I do indulge, it's a very small bite, and it's because I really want it, not just because it happens to be there.

I'm starting to see benefits already. I feel better about myself. I feel good about making healthy choices, and I know they will pay off. I'm not going to cut anything out of my diet completely, because I think it's okay to indulge every once in a while. But I'm cutting waaaay back on the carbs, especially the sugary ones. It's making a difference.

And this morning I got some health news about my grandma. She's ok, but it reminds me how short our time is, and how we need to make the most of it. Itreminds me that I need to take care of my body and treat it well. I'm glad I'm learning how to eat better now, so that I can be healthy in the future.

i don't know what i was thinking

I have never worn fake nails in my entire life. That's the premise here.

I've also never had great fingernails -- they break easily, so I just keep them short. This has never been a big deal to me. I'm a low-key person, and pretty casual. I've never cared much that my nails don't look fabulously manicured. Even on my wedding day, a day when every other person I know put fake nails on, I sported my own nails. I grew them out a little longer than usual, and got a french manicure from a salon. But they were my own nails.

But yesterday? I got this bright idea to buy fake nails from the grocery store. Why? I don't know. I thought it would be a good idea. And when I get a good idea, I don't let it go. So we went to the store, bought the fake nails, and then I glued them on. That's when I realized I had made a terrible mistake. They actually didn't look half bad, but they hurt like the dickens. And also, I felt like I didn't have full use of my hands anymore. Long nails are such a hindrance!

I figured I was stuck with them for a few days, but one of the nails accidentally popped right off. Aha! I managed to pry the rest of them off too, albeit with some messed up nail beds left behind. All of the fake nails came off, that is, except the one on middle finger of my right hand. And it is stuck to me like glue, as it were.

So now I'm stuck with hideously ugly nails -- glue everywhere, with patches of nail ripped up -- and then one long, french-manicured middle finger. It's ridiculous. My coworker says that if I need to flip somebody off, at least it will look pretty.

And now I know -- I should never, ever put fake nails on ever again. Ever.

i love cabbage

Our nutritionist told us a few months ago that John is insulin resistant. It took me several months to actually believe her. I’m a skeptic, and I had a hard time believing that it’s even possible to eat as few carbs as she suggested we eat. Let alone advisable.

But now I see that it is true. And for health reasons, it’s a good idea to finally pay attention and do something about it. What’s more, I may or may not have an insulin resistance myself, but I DEFINITELY get carb cravings when I don’t eat a ton of them. So what this means is that we have to change our diet around. Someone who’s insulin resistant should eat protein, vegetables, and one serving of a carb item (like rice or pasta) for each meal.

I’ll be honest and say that in the past some of our meals consisted only of carbs. :( I don’t generally like meat. But I loooove carbs. Give me a good loaf of bread and some cold cereal and I’d be fine eating only that for a few days. That’s not good for John, however. (Or me, but that’s another story…)

So last night I made a meal that consisted only of protein and vegetables. No carb at all! You’d expect a meal like that to be boring and gross. (Or at least I would.) But it was delicious! What was it? Well, I drew on my knowledge of Bulgarian cuisine, and morphed it into: cabbage and chicken! Doesn’t sound good on paper, but it was delightful to eat. And low in calories and carbs. I am so proud of myself for creating this dish. I think we’ll be eating it fairly often…

can somebody tell me

Why did God invent PMS?

self-doubt and job woes

I think my job is changing completely, and I'm not sure if I should be excited or scared. I think I'll be learning the ins and outs of PeopleSoft, which could be a good thing. But at the same time, my workload could explode in the next little while, something I am not thrilled about.

I just wish I knew if we were moving in 8 months. If we aren't, then job searching would be my top priority. If we are, I just don't feel right about taking a new job and then leaving six months later. That's not fair to the new employer.

So what I'll do is get all the skills and training I can from this three-month PeopleSoft project. By then, I'll know more about our future, and I can use my new skills toward getting a good job that I like.

In other news, I'm feeling insecure about taking the creative writing class. Mostly I'm insecure about my writing. The thought of reading it out loud in a classroom terrifies me! I'm on the verge of dropping the class, but I know I'll regret it if I do. I can do this, right?

beautiful things

I have a beautiful wedding ring. My husband picked well. And although I told him to spend only a reasonable amount on the ring, he didn't listen to me. As a result, I wear a gorgeous ring on my finger every day.

Even the jewelers, who see flashy jewelry all the time, react to my ring. I picked it up from the jeweler yesterday after having it cleaned, and the jeweler gasped when he opened the box. They always have that reaction to my ring. He said, "Wow. You are lucky."

Yes, I am. And he has no idea how much. Because guess what? The size or price of a wedding ring doesn't say much about the quality of the marriage or of the devotion of the man who gives it to you. So it is lucky indeed that I not only received one of the most beautiful rings ever (thanks, sweetie), but also married one of the best men I know.

Actually, I don't call it 'luck', I call it blessed. And I am.

what I did yesterday

I attended Enrichment (a gathering of women in my church) and learned that I am not nearly thankful enough for the good life I have and the wonderful experiences I have had. Three women spoke of a Christmas from their past, and I was truly amazed. The bishop's wife, who looks like a happy grandma, had experiences in her youth that could have permanently ruined her life. But she didn't let that happen. Anyway, time for me to be grateful for the wonder in my life.

I cleaned my kitchen. For the first time in a long time (I'm embarrassed to say this...), there are not dirty dishes all over the counters. What a wonderful feeling. I also cleaned in my side of the bedroom, but sad to say it is not quite clean enough yet.

I pulled out my guitar and did some playing and singing. My playing was rusty, and I don't think I have a lot of natural talent on the guitar, but you know what? I don't care! Playing and singing give me joy, so I'm going to keep doing it. And if at some point in my life I'm blessed to be able to take guitar lessons, hooray! But until then, I'm going to practice and play on my own. And if I get good enough, maybe I'll give a concert for my family and/or friends. Because music is definitely one of my joys.

he's back

My husband is back on blogger! I'm jumping for joy. Go tell him to keep on blogging, because I have missed his posts terribly.

passion and purpose

I registered for a graduate course next semester. It's called 'Writing and Being'. I'm both excited and nervous. I want to improve my writing, but at the same time, it scares me to think of reading and sharing my writing with a class...

I think it will be good for me. I need a creative outlet. I want to discover and develop my talents. And if this leads to me finding my passion and joy, all the better.

call him the balladeer

Did you know Arizona has an Official State Balladeer? (Evidently Arizona was the first state to have an official state balladeer.) Neither did I. But they do, and John and I got to see him perform last week. His name is Dolan Ellis, and he's a pretty cool performer. He sings songs about Arizona, and some of them are quite catchy. John and I are still singing one of them.

This performance made me think on my cowboy heritage. I need to spend more time around cowboys (the real ones--wearing a hat and boots doesn't necessarily make you a cowboy). They seem to know what life is all about.

thinking about tomorrow

The wheels in my mind are turning. I’ve talked before about life goals and how I don’t really have any. I encourage other people to pursue their dreams, but I don’t look inside myself long enough to know what my dreams even are. So I’m thinking.

And meanwhile, here are pictures from our trip to Delaware. I think I could enjoy autumn if I lived there. In Arizona, all autumn means is that there is darkness after 6pm. That’s depressing to me, and hence why I don’t like fall. However, Delaware convinced me that fall could be pretty nice. Most of the pictures are on University of Delaware's campus.

Pretty, no?

sad

Sometimes life gives you really hard things, so hard you don't think you can survive it. But somehow, in the midst of the pain, you do.

drag races visualized

So I finally uploaded some pictures. I'm really bad at doing that. But since I have pictures, I thought you might enjoy seeing what the drag races really look like...

Do you see all the nasty smoke in the air?

You can hardly see it in the picture, but even the pit crew in the van gets cheers from the crowd. Famous. They're all celebrities.

Aren't we so cute with our big headphones?

That's it for now, but more pictures coming soon...

what are the writers thinking?!

Didn't forget to watch LOST...but geez, what a disappointing episode.

*Spoilers ahead*

If that was supposed to be a 'cliffhanger', it failed miserably. Okay, so Ben might die. Who cares?! He's interesting, but he's one of the 'Others'. So someone is holding a gun to Sawyer's head. Does anyone really believe he's going to die? NO! Everyone knows that Sawyer is LOST's meal ticket. They're not going to get rid of him. So Jack is trying to save Kate again...doesn't he do that every episode?

So where's the suspense? Very weak episode, especially since we've got three months to wait for the next one. Oh, and did they think they could write in two new characters that have supposedley been there all along and not have us notice that we've NEVER ONCE seen them before?

I really wish the writers would quit trying to increase viewership and just write the show as it was meant to be. I don't want to lose faith in LOST...

ampersand

I voted yesterday. There were a few tough decisions, and one where I had to vote for 'the other guy' aka the Libertarian candidate, simply because the other two choices were unacceptable to me. (I wanted to write in John, but he says he's too young.) But I voted.

And then I received two separate telephone calls from volunteers who thanked me for voting. What could I say besides, "Uh...you're welcome?" I am officially free from political calls for the next while!!

In other news, we're going to be in Delaware for the next few days ("Hi. I'm in...Delaware.") checking out the school. We should be in for some fun times.

We're not going to forget to watch LOST today. It better be good!

time is a blur

My wall calendar is still on October. I haven’t changed it partly from sheer laziness, but also because I’m in denial. I don’t want it to be November. I don’t like fall. I don't love winter. And I certainly don’t like how fast time is flying by me.

poems

I’ve written poetry on and off for most of my life. For the past few years, it’s been off. I think the last decent poem I wrote was in the year 2000 while I was living in Beijing.

I miss the days when I used to write poetry. I don’t know that I ever gave myself a chance with it. I submitted poems once to a literary journal (can’t remember which one), but I think it was one with a very small acceptance rate. I could have kept trying, but I didn’t.

Anyway, I’ve been going to poetry daily to get my fix of good poems, and I’m getting inspired. If you like poetry, I highly recommend the site. I love the way poetry makes me feel. I even dreamed I was writing it the other night. Perhaps poetry will come back to me soon.

nano is no more

Remember that one time when I said I was going to do nanowrimo? Well, I was wrong. I started on November 1st, and I wrote 1,066 words, which is only 600 words short of my quota of the day. Which is no big deal -- what's 600 words when you're writing up to 2,500 words a day?

But the bottom line is, nothing that I wrote spoke to me. I had to face facts: I needed just a hint of a plot. I needed at least one character I cared about. I didn't want to slog through thirty days of writing trash I didn't like.

So I quit. And then my husband tells me that I left my nanowrimo document open and he read it. He said it was so good that I *had* to finish it. He said I was wasting my talent. I was shocked by this, because my first reaction was absolute horror that any human besides me saw such crap writing. For him to think it was good...well, it's flattering. It makes me wonder if perhaps I am too hard on myself and my writing.

But it's not going to make me continue with nanowrimo. My heart's not in it this year. Maybe next year. I will say this: my nemisis Stacey Cochran (I don't know him, and he doesn't know me or have any idea that he is my nemisis) *is* participating in nanowrimo, and that provokes me ALMOST to the point of saying YES! I will beat Stacey Cochran this year! But the truth is, I won't. But next year, Stacey! Next year! You just watch out.

mini me

Okay, so my friend Erin posted a while back about herself in anime, and I created my anime self too. But I never posted it. However, I think mini me is too darn cute not to share.

Does it look like me? I think it does a little, except I accidentally gave mini me violet eyes, and mine are blue, or green, or hazel or something. And also, I wish I were as cute as me in anime. I am quite adorable, no?

Make your own anime self here. I used Candybar Doll Maker 3. Just be warned that it is addicting!

nanowrimo fever

Am I crazy? I just commited myself to nanowrimo -- you all know what that is by now, right? National Novel Writing Month, for the unaware. (And it started today) You write a 50,000 word novel in one month, and that's all there is to it. But 'all there is to it' means I'll be writing an average of 1,666 words per day. I am crazy.

I actually did this once before, in 2002. My sister and I joined nanowrimo, and we each finished our novels in 30 days. In 26 days, actually. We finished early. (Because of a deadline we couldn't get out of. Otherwise, I would have been up til midnight on November 30th.) We were fueled on by fellow Arizonan Stacey Cochran, who actually had a published novel under his belt. He doesn't know us and we don't know him, but we could not, could NOT let him finish his novel before we did. And I actually wrote a novel. A very bad, amateurish novel, but a novel, all the same.

But that was three years ago. That was when I was young, had energy, had no obligation to anyone or anything. However, a while back, John and I discussed nanowrimo, and we both decided to go for it. I forgot all about it. I didn't plan a plot, characters, nothing. But today, John said, "I signed up for nanowrimo. Did you?" I panicked. I can't write a novel! I don't have it in me!

But I didn't want to go back on my word. I said I would do it with him, and so I will. And thus far, I've got a page-and-a-half written. 521 words, to be exact. 1,145 words to go. I don't know if I can do it, but I'm suddenly excited to take on the challenge.

rednecks and race cars

My dad took John and me to see the NHRA drag races in Las Vegas this weekend. What an experience. You may not be able to picture what it’s like, so let me enlighten you.

*NASCAR is the one that goes around a track a million times. Drag races are the ones where each race lasts about 4 seconds.

*Some of the cars run on tear gas (or something like it). I was standing 20 feet away from one of the cars practically crying my eyes out. Some people were standing less than 5 feet away.

*The race car drivers are celebrities. We walked around the pit area, and every time a crowd formed, we knew that a driver was in his pit area. Have you heard of John Force before? Yeah, neither had I. But he’s famous. Wait, is he the one with a TV show? Then maybe you have heard of him. How about Tony Schumacher, Jason Line, Morgan Lucas? Famous.

*One of the official sponsors was Skoal. Other sponsors were giving out free samples. I kept waiting for a free sample of Skoal. “Here, have some free cancer!”

*Speaking of cancer, evidently there are no laws in L.V. to protect nonsmokers from second-hand smoke. We were packed tightly in a stadium, and I can’t tell you how many people lit up and blew their disgusting smoke on everyone around them. I don’t care if it’s legal or not – if they had any decency they’d get up and go out for a smoking break.

*Not that it mattered much anyway. Those cars emitted so many fumes it was scary. I think the drag races have single-handedly destroyed the ozone. In one day.

*The drag races last for three days – Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Of course, you can’t go to the drag races on Sunday – you’d miss church. But wait! Not to worry – they provide church services ON SITE. So you can watch your favorite race car driver, attend church, AND eat carnival food all at the same time! Hooray!

Well, I’ve never seen a bunch of people who were more serious about their ‘sport’. It was hilarious and enlightening, to say the least. And also, the races were pretty dang cool. Watching a car go 330 mph is just amazingly cool. I don’t care who you are.

how could we?!!

Last night we were in bed and John said, "You looking at my bum?", which is a Charlie quote from LOST. Suddenly the realization sank in and we both gasped at the same time -- We'd forgotten to watch LOST!

Luckily, I think we can watch the episode at abc.com today. But still...it's not the same watching it on a computer screen. I can't believe we forgot LOST!!!

blink and you miss it

I'm slowly moving out of the funk I was in. You want to know how I know?

Because I cleaned my kitchen. Because I want to take guitar lessons. Because I want to write poetry. Because I'm interested in people again. Because missing my husband (he's in Kansas) doesn't make me feel sad, it makes me feel alive.

fast moving blues

I need a paper journal to record thoughts like these.

I can’t hold it together anymore. I realized that I am not working toward any goals, and I’m not accomplishing much of anything. I worry incessantly about things outside my control. I don’t do much about the things within my control.

I’m struggling. Not sure what to do about it. I want to run and keep on running. But I probably won’t.

funny girl

Someone called my cell phone today while I was on my work phone and left me a message. When I checked the message, it was from Barbara Streisand. She was just calling to remind me to vote. Seriously. That's all she wanted. Thanks for the reminder, Babs. I appreciate the call.

in paradise

Did I say that Karate Kid was the best movie ever? Well, that was before I saw Paradise, Hawaiian Style. This movie has picturesque Hawaiian background, beautiful people frolicking about in bathing suits, romance, hijinks, a fist fight, superfluous use of cheesy songs, and...Elvis. Top THAT Karate Kid!

missing the one i love

Went on a walk today and listened to the iPod -- Iron and Wine, Lion’s mane. The sound and lyrics make me feel sad. Especially when my beloved is flying on an airplane hundreds of miles from here.

and love is the scene i render
when you catch me wide awake
and love is the dream you enter
though i shake & shake & shake you
and love's the best endeavor
waiting in the lion's mane
-------

if only...

If only I hadn’t wanted to soak in the hot tub with my soul mate late on Friday night.

If only John and I hadn’t each thought the other person brought the house key.

If only we hadn’t locked the front door.

If only we had brought a cell phone with us.

If only we weren’t in bathing suits when we asked to use the phone at Hungry Howie’s.

If only the locksmith had been more competent and hadn’t taken more than an hour to drill through our front door.

If only he hadn’t charged $150 for the service.

If only.

The good news? We’re both alive, we’re healthy, and we had some extra money lying around in our account, just waiting for an emergency to happen. So everything’s A-ok. Except I never did get to soak it up in the hot tub with my soul mate.

my lost thoughts

We finished Season 2 of LOST last night. Oh my goodness. Several episodes in a row that were just crazy! Here are some of my thoughts. (I never thought I would be a person to write my thoughts about a TV show, but...here I am.)

*Season 2 Spoiler alert*

1. Several people mentioned that we might be disappointed by Season 2. That was not the case. Maybe it's because we got to see all the episodes one after another, but each episode drew me in and intrigued me. Maybe I wasn't disappointed because I didn't expect any real answers. Nah, I can tell that the writers enjoy keeping us in the dark just enough to drive us crazy.

2. I'm totally shocked by how many people died this season. Shot dead. I was really starting to care about Libby and can't believe the writers had the audacity to cut her out. Not fair! And Michael -- I knew he was too emotional and selfish and couldn't be trusted, but to kill people? I don't know about that.

3. What about Hurley's fear that the Island is just a figment of his warped brain? It never really cleared that up to my satisfaction. Is the final season going to cut to a scene of Hurley in the psych ward, explaining away the whole story as part of his imagination? I hope not, but it seems like the option is there.

4. Polar bears seem to be a running theme in many of the episodes. Sometimes a very subtle reference, but often there. I'm sure there are many other subtle themes like that. Makes me want to watch all the episodes over again!

5. Now we're just like everybody else, watching the shows one week at a time. :(

blue girl

I'm feeling a little better today. I got home yesterday and my husband had cleaned up the house, emptied the dishwasher, and taken out the trash. How wonderful is he? I knew those things needed to be done, but I just didn't have the energy for them. I'm so blessed to have a husband who saw that I was struggling and did something thoughtful to help out.

My visiting teacher came over last night, and when she asked the requisite question, "How are you doing?" I responded with, "Great. Everything is fine." And everything wasn't fine. The ache in my chest was still there. When you come to my house once a month or so and stay for 15 minutes and then ask me how I'm doing, how in the world would you expect me to answer that question honestly? I'm just going to say everything's A-OK. This is more a lesson to me than pointing a finger at her. I have visit taught many women and I probably missed out on how they were really doing because I didn't take time to be their friend.

Anyway, I'm still not 100% back to happy, but I think I'm a little better.

disclaimer

I've been so down lately. It's really been a damper on my blogging, on my life, on my accomplishing anything at all. I don't know what the deal is, but I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. And this is one of those weeks where hiding out isn't very possible.

But I will make time for more episodes of LOST. We bought the DVDs on the 6th, and we are almost through the whole season. I'd like to take my time and enjoy each episode slowly. Then again, our impatience wins out because we can't wait to see more of the story. We average 3-4 episodes per night.

Otherwise, I'll be either busy or reading books. My mood is not going to allow for much else.

ciao,
Holli

gonna change my way of thinking

I've been feeling so nostalgic the past few days. Maybe it's because an old friend is in town visiting. But my mood has bordered on the sad.

We watched a LOST episode last night (Season 2, baby!) and Hurley was scared that everything was about to change. Locke said, "Change is good." Hurley replied, "Everyone says that, but it's not true."

Is change a good thing? There are times when I love change. I've moved five times in the past five years. I loved living in China on a whim. I love thinking that in one year we'll be in an entirely new place so that John can get his PhD.

The hard part about change is the way it affects relationships. One of my best friends moved to Washington a few years ago. My siblings got married and started having kids. My parents are getting older. I don't see my friends from college anymore. I got married, and friends I used to hang out with several times a week I'm lucky if I see once a month. Things just change.

When I was a missionary in Bulgaria and it was nearly time for me to come back home, I was so excited to go home to my family, but so sad to leave all my friends in Bulgaria behind. I wished so much that I didn't have to give up one to have the other. But that's the way it is. You leave one place and leave friends behind, but you make new friends in the place you go to.

I think Locke is right. Change is a good thing. It brings many new experiences and friends into my life that I wouldn't have otherwise. I just sometimes wish I could stop time and keep everyone I love with me forever.

top movies from my childhood

I'm listing my childhood favorite movies, too. Aren't there those movies that are so dear to your heart, that no matter how many other movies you see, none can top the ones from your childhood? Me too.

The top five:

Swiss Family Robinson

I love, love, love this movie. Who doesn’t? Tight-knit family, daring adventures, wild animals, marauding pirates, handsome brothers, and they live in a TREEHOUSE! I wanted that treehouse so bad it hurt. Then all my dreams came true when I toured a reasonable facsimile at Disneyland. And then my dreams were shattered when they turned Swiss Family Treehouse into Tarzan’s Treehouse. What the …?!!!

Candleshoe

A girl from the streets pretends to be the long-lost granddaughter of an eccentric old woman so that she can search for the treasure hidden somewhere in the mansion. (I’m a sucker for movies about hidden treasure.) But then she starts to fall in love with the motley family she planned to steal from, and that’s when it gets good. Disney and Jodie Foster at their best! I will always have a place in my heart for this movie.

The Goonies

At the time that I saw this movie, it seemed like the most amazing, most adventure-filled, funniest, and scariest movie I had ever seen. My parents were in Las Vegas when my siblings and I watched this, and I was truly scared! The Fratellis were frightening (especially Sloth!), the gang was so funny, and their underground adventure and search for pirate treasure is every kid’s dream. And also I was in love with Sean Astin.

The Neverending Story

Back in the days of cassette tapes and VHS, my parents rented this movie for us while they went out on a date. My brother, sister, and I watched it and fell in love. We loved it so much that we had to have it for our very own. So what did we do? We got out our tape recorder, put it up next to the TV as the movie replayed, and recorded the whole movie onto cassette tape. Did we ever listen to that tape? I think only once, but it makes me smile at how ardent our love was for that movie. I believe that tape is still around somewhere.

The Karate Kid

My sister and I used to play that the Kobra Kai gang was chasing us. Also, my sister was the sensei of the karate dojo while I ran the knitting class (“This is a karate dojo, not a knitting class!” – Why did my sis get to do karate while I knitted?!!) Like I said in a previous entry (and I stand by this), I don’t know if you can make a movie better than the Karate Kid – action, romance, character-building, comedy, suspense, and catching flies with chopsticks. What other movie has all that?!

5 most influential books from my youth

I’ve noticed that the things I saw and read in my childhood made such an impression on me. I’ll read a book or watch a movie now and forget it by next week. But the stuff from my childhood, some of those things I’ll never forget.

It’s hard to quantify which books were the best or meant the most, but the five listed below truly made an impression on my life.

Island of the Blue Dolphins
by Scott O’Dell

This book was so well-written, so lyrical, so tragic. I was mesmerized by the story of one solitary girl’s survival on an island. It was haunting, and the story stuck with me long after I read it.

Summer of the Monkeys
by Wilson Rawls

This book was so vivid to me, and so magical. The adventures of one boy and his desire to earn money for a horse knew no bounds. The monkeys were hilarious. The story was touching. The little sister Daisy was so influential for me that in 3rd grade my goal in life was to become a nurse. (And then I learned that nursing involved blood and other bodily fluids and my dreams were quickly shattered.) But Summer of the Monkeys is one book I will always treasure.

The Little Princess
by Frances Hodgson Burnett

Sara Crewe was the portrait of a princess – kind, giving, loving, open-hearted – even when life turned against her. She started out as the star pupil at a boarding school, but circumstances brought her low and she became the maid to girls she once learned with. Her imagination and buoyant spirit couldn’t keep her down, and this is one book I plan to pass along to my kids.

Anne of Green Gables
by L. M. Montgomery

Who wasn’t in love with Anne of Green Gables? I think I dreamed of having a bosom friend just as wonderful as Anne was. Her vivid imagination and flair for the dramatic made the books delightful to read. And Gilbert Blythe? Come on! Every girl loved this story, and if you haven’t read it, remedy that right now!

Trixie Belden series
by Julie Campbell / Kathryn Kenny

Oh, Trixie Belden. Loved her name. Loved her detective adventure stories. She and the gang (comprised of her brothers and several friends) were always having adventures. Trixie would discover some kind of mystery, but no one would believe her until she had solved it and saved the day. I think I loved her because while she was nothing like me (she was tomboyish and daring), she was also not the most beautiful, she was clumsy, and she sometimes made mistakes. I related. “Oh whoa!” Plus, this is the series that inspired my dream to become a writer. I am still in the process of collecting all the books in the series (There are 39 total), which isn’t easy as they’ve been out of print for a while.

maybe we should move to australia...

My husband had one of those days yesterday -- a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. I'm not going to chronicle it (he might, who knows), but send some good vibes his way, okay? He could definitely use them.

It's Friday! I haven't been good about updating my blog lately. Maybe because I just don't have a lot to say.

Recently I weighed myself and found out that I had gained two pounds. Fact: If I eat cookies and candy all day at work and don't exercise when I get home, I'm going to gain weight. So...I decided to start up SparkPeople again (I sort of slacked on that) and watch what I eat. John has been good at keeping me motivated for the exercise. He keeps going on DDR after I would have stopped, so I get more exercise in, which is good.

AND, I got enough sleep last night, which is a first. Guess what? I don't feel tired today! I feel wonderful. All I did was go to bed an hour earlier, and look what happens! I can't believe the difference it made for me.

How boring am I? Talking about losing weight and sleeping. Sigh.

monday monday monday

Happy Monday. Top thoughts of the day.

5. I hate work. The situation just gets worse. A coworker was brought into the boss's office and berated for things she had no control over. We all pray for a way out of this office.

4. I taught Relief Society at church yesterday, and the lesson was on families and eternal life. I feel the need to be a better person. I know I need to, but it's so hard to change!

3. I need a haircut desperately. My last haircut was great, and looked sort of like this, though with less bangs. I think I'll do something similar again:










2. Saved by the Bell watching is going strong. I know you're dying for some quotes:

Mr. Belding: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! *What* is going on here?!!
.......
Zack: I like school... it's a good way to kill time between weekends.
.......
Lisa: Screech, would you like to rejoin the human race?
Screech: You always said I wasn't a member.
Lisa: I'll sneak you in.
............

1. I am so excited! My husband said I can crochet this and he would wear it!:

SBTB!

Guess what we just purchased?
Yep, Saved By The Bell Seasons 3 & 4! (I gave John Seasons 1 & 2 for Christmas.) Any guess as to what we've been doing lately? John and I have some specific goals we're working on, and to stay motivated, we get rewards! This is John's first reward for doing well on his goals. May he accomplish many others and bring us closer to owning all the Saved By The Bell episodes!

We've been watching lots of episodes every night. And sadly, I've been neglecting my crocheting. Usually I crochet while watching episodes, but I got sick of it! While on our trip last week, I crocheted all the way to Nevada, all the way to Utah, and all the way back to Nevada again. In all, I think I crocheted 40 rows of the baby blanket I'm giving to my nephew Isaac. I finished the body but still have the edge to do. I'm just crocheted out!

In other news: I'm Kelly Kapowski. But I have a hard time believing that's true. Which character are you?




Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?

I'm sure I've mentioned before that:
I still hate my job, and that gets me down sometimes, BUT...
It's alright, cause I'm saved by the bell!

weekend update

This past week has been quite busy. First, my younger sister Alexis came to visit for the week. Since she was about 11 and I was living in Provo, Utah, she has come to visit for a week during the summer. Now she's a senior in high school, and the tradition lives on!

We had fun doing DDR together, clothes shopping, watching Saved by the Bell episodes (Oh, Saved by the Bell, how I love you!), and eating delicious food. Good times.

On Friday, John, Alexis and I took a road trip to Nevada to take her back home. Saturday morning we were up early and on the road to St. George to see my cousin's wedding in the St. George temple.

We decided that it would be necessary to visit the St. George Wal-Mart. Why? Well, John had never seen a poligamist before, and we needed to remedy that. (What? You haven't seen a poligamist either? Well, you're missing out on an interesting phenomenon. I direct you to the Wal-Mart store in St. George, Utah, usually in the fabric section. I guarantee you'll see at least one.) I won't tell the rest of that story for now, because I think my husband is going to tell it. But rest assured, poligamist sitings galore were had by all.

Sunday morning we went to church with my family, watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (which was much better than I expected it to be), and then drove back to good old Arizona. I wasn't ready to come back, though. I love being around my family.

chinese proverbs and calligraphy

A while back I said I would post projects from my Chinese calligraphy class. And today is the day that I do.

I took the class this past spring, but I've been wanting to take it since 2001. It was a dream, and I did it. The reason I wanted to take it? I was in China, November of 2000. My American friends and I were walking through a park in Beijing. The weather was cool, and it was overcast as usual.

As we walked along, I saw an older Chinese man. He was holding a paint brush that was nearly as tall as he was, and he was standing straight, painting Chinese characters on the sidewalk. But the brush was made of sponge, and the 'paint' was actually water. He would paint a row of beautiful Chinese characters and by the time he got through several rows, the first row had faded away to nothing.

It was spontaneous art, and the beauty of it overwhelmed me. The man didn't care how fleeting his art was, he was only intent on creating it. Right then I decided I wanted to learn Chinese calligraphy. I didn't think I'd ever get the chance.

Then I came to ASU in 2001 and saw that they offered Chinese calligraphy courses once a year! The planets never aligned until this year. It was one credit hour; it was fun. Chinese calligraphy is very relaxing, and I think I'm actually good at it!

Here are a couple of projects.

This first one is a rough draft of the final project we had to turn in. I don't know what the writing says; it's from an inscription written on somebody's tomb. This is the project my teacher was so impressed with she offered to frame it while she was in China! I was speechless...

And this last pic is actually a project I did after the class was over. I made it for my husband when he graduated from ASU with his MPA. I can't remember the exact translation, but here's the gist: "When you have climbed the highest peak, the mountains below you seem small."

Anyway, I love Chinese calligraphy. It's an art form that I would like to keep up because it's beautiful, it's relaxing, and it's a hobby that's pretty unique (unless you're in China!).

a handful of nothing

Hey, all! I've been busy the past while, so I haven't been good at updating. Maybe when I start updating again, I'll include pictures more regularly...maybe. Or then again, perhaps I'll start a blog completely elsewhere. Who knows.

Have a good weekend.

pet peeve

You know what I hate? I'm at a restaurant, eating food, and the server asks if they can take my plate away.

Worst way: "Are you still working on that?" Working on that?! Yes, I'm still eating, and thanks for effectively making me feel like a piggy for still 'working on that'.

Let me eat my food in peace! Quit trying to take my plate away before I'm done.

Thank you. I feel better now.

so i'm a little quirky

I don't have obsessive/compulsive disorder. I'm telling you that right now. That's because I researched it -- I've often wondered about some of my behaviors.

For example:

At home, we have tile in the kitchen. I can only step on tiles diagonally -- I can't step on adjacent tiles. I do this pretty much without thinking.

At work, it's even worse. We have dark and light carpet squares. My left foot can only step on the light tiles; right foot can only step on dark tiles. I don't sit around thinking about this or planning to do it, it's just what I automatically do!

Then there's the stairs. I don't even know how to describe my strange system, but I guess you could say I favor the right foot. Anytime there's a railing on a stair, my right foot has to step on that stair. So when I walk up or downstairs to our condo, I use the same starting foot each time.

And then there's the rhythm I automatically click my teeth to (hard to explain). I've tried to stop doing it because it's annoying (to me -- I don't think anyone else could notice) and because it probably damages my jaw, but when I stop with the teeth, my fingers start tapping out the rhythm instead. And before I know it, my teeth are at it again. It's weird.

Anyone else have unexplainable quirks?

one word meme -- crazy!

Taken from many other blogs. Try it.

1. Yourself: mysterious
2. Your partner: brilliant
3. Your hair: unpredictable
4. Your mother: amazing
5. Your father: invincible
6. Your favorite item: DDR
7. Your dream last night: nostalgic
8. Your favorite drink: water
9. Your dream home: untraditional
10. The room you are in: cubicle
11. Your pleasure: reading
12. Your fear: failure
13. Where you want to be in 10 years: prosperous
14. Who you hung out with last night: professors
15. What you're not: loud
16. Your best friend: understands
17. One of your wish list items: bicycle
18. Your gender: rules
19. The last thing you did: stretch
20. What you are wearing: stripes
21. Your favorite weather: rainy
22. Your favorite book: many
23. Last thing you ate: starburst
24. Your life: fantastic
25. Your mood: frustrated
26. The last person you talked to on the phone: anonymous
27. Who/what are you thinking about right now: johnny

existential crisis

I feel like a failure today. I'm 31 years old. Thirty one! My accomplishments are few compared to many others. I know it's not productive to think and talk this way, but I guess I thought I would be more by now.

I know there is something important for me to do in this life; I just wish I knew what it was.

short-term goals

My very short-term goals. I'm going to focus on these fairly exclusively right now.

Job search. I'm searching hard until the right opportunity arises.

Get in contact with old friends. I'm feeling an extreme need to speak to people I haven't talked to in years. I don't know why. I only know that I feel sad I ever lost contact with some of them, so now starts the task of finding them and getting back in touch. Why did I let some of my good friends go? I don't know how to describe or even explain my level of distress over this loss.

Practice my guitar and mandolin. I'm going to start a band someday. I'm going to cut a record. Then you can say that you knew me. Or read my blog or something.

Read a bunch. I made a goal to read a book a week for the year 2006. I'm a little behind -- we're on week 28 and I've only read 24 books. The problem is that I often start books but don't like them enough to finish them. Most of them self-help books (see embarrassing post). So, time to start reading some good fiction. Nancy Pearl, my librarian idol, gave some good ideas on NPR the other morning. If you have any suggestions, let me know. I'm partial to teen & young adult fiction.

Those are the main things right now, besides exercise and eat right. I want to mention that I have made a concerted effort to exercise every day, cook healhty meals EVERY DAY, and even make healthy lunches for John and I. This is exhausting, which is why we used to eat out a lot. We don't anymore. On Saturday, I made two dinners and froze them both. So that helps a little. But for the most part, I spend a lot of time in the kitchen creating healthy masterpieces, and that is time I used to spend elsewhere. Sigh. I just feel extremely nostalgic. I feel like I missed out on something important and it's too late to go back and get it. This attitude is very defeating, because it prevents me from living my life now, and that's a waste. Hopefully this funk will move on down the road relatively soon.

injustices

A while back I wrote a little about my dad getting fired, but there have been several updates to the story and many further insults to my dad and family. The latest occurrence is that they assigned my dad a teaching schedule that includes only classes he has never taught before. This means he must significantly prepare for each class period instead of using materials he had built up through the years. Why are they doing this? So that my dad gets frustrated and leaves the school.

Is my dad a bad teacher? No. He is a good teacher who has always been liked by students. Was he a bad coach? Definitely not. In my opinion he was one of the best the school has ever seen. And not just because of the winning seasons and state championships, although there were those. What my dad did was to instill teamwork and a sense of family. He was a friend, and he helped young kids build self-esteem. He truly cared about the students. In short, my dad’s many designations of Nevada 3A coach of the year have always been well deserved. I just read a small tribute to my dad found here (By a rival school no less). The story nearly brought tears to my eyes and angered me anew.

My dad is two years away from retirement and has been at MVHS for around 30 years, and this is how they repay him for everything he has done for Moapa Valley High. I believe the man who helped cause all this (he is also my mom's direct boss), along with the principal of the school deserve to be fired. In fact, I wish I were living in Moapa Valley right now, because you can believe I would be causing all kinds of problems for the school, including finding my father a lawyer and suing the school district's pants off.

I really would. There are several illegal things they have done during this whole debacle. When they fired my dad from his coaching position, they hired a new coach to take his place. However, the subject the new coach teaches (Social Studies, I believe) was already well taken care of by other teachers. How could they justify hiring another teacher of the same subject? Well, somehow they surplussed another teacher, which means she had to find a position elsewhere. Illegal. She hired a lawyer and is suing the district. Forcing my dad to have a crappy schedule just so he’ll quit? I did some research, and it basically falls under the category of age discrimination. Also illegal. Then there was the firing itself, which did not follow CCSD rules. I think he has a case.

I would love nothing more than seeing the responsible parties get fired from their positions, but I don’t see that happening. The teachers of MVHS signed a petition and sent it to the school district, in part because they support my dad but also because NO ONE is happy with the administration of the school, asking for a change in the administration. The county didn’t even respond.

The whole thing is just wrong. I want to see justice done. I want my dad to stop being slapped in the face and get the recognition he deserves.

totally embarrassing story alert

I love the library. I love self-help books. I love self-help books about relationships even more. I can’t help myself--I always have and probably always will. (Sometimes my husband puts up with reading a relationship book together, sometimes not. I think he’s a saint for doing it at all.)

So yesterday at the library I picked out three different relationship books. At 8:55 I ran to the front of the library so that I could use the automated checkout before it shut down at 9pm, because I didn’t really want the librarians to see my picks. I may love self-help relationship books, but I do understand that they are cheesy if not overtly embarrassing.

The automated checkout was already off, so I got in line at the circulation desk. Of course, the guy who helped me is a member of my church and knows me. I think he even said, “Hi, Sister Ronk.”

Oh my. I was bright red as he checked my books out to me. One title, ‘16 Ways to Love your Lover’, is NOT what the title sounds like! At all! It’s really a book about the Myers-Briggs personality types and how that fits into relationships. Slightly boring--NOT racy like the title suggests! Another book had a picture of a silhouetted couple on the cover, their faces close together, moving in for a kiss. Again, makes the book look much racier than it actually is.

As soon as he handed me the books, I speed-walked it out of there, red-faced and totally humiliated. I will never be able to look him in the face again.

terrible twos

My niece Sare has gotten a little jealous since her brother was born. Wait, did I say a little jealous? (Not to mention that she just turned two and has been acting rather naughty for the past few months anyway.)

We were at my sister and brother-in-law's house on Sunday, and the following exchanges happened.

First the background information. Every time we say goodbye to Sare on the phone, we say "Love you sweetie" and she repeats it back. Hers sounds more like "Uh you fweetie."

I was holding Isaac and Sare was standing nearby.

Me: (to Isaac) Love you sweetie.
Sare: (pointing to herself) I fweetie!

Sare raised her hand to hit me.

Me: We don't hit.
Sare: I want to hit.

Sare later started biting my leg.

Me: No. We don't bite.
Sare: I want to bite!

peer pressure

Has anyone else noticed that while there is strong pressure in our society to look good (a la fashion magazines, etc.), there is also nearly equal pressure to eat whatever we want to (and by "whatever we want to", I mean unhealthy, fat filled foods)?

I have noticed, during my challenge to eat less sugar and processed foods, that there is immense pressure for me to eat poorly. At work, people say, "Come on, Holli! You know you need a treat!" "This chocolate will make you feel better!" If I didn't know any better, I would think I dropped into a drug treatment center where peer pressure was rampant.

People don't want to respect my desire to improve my health. I don't get it. If I said I don't eat chocolate for religious reasons, they'd back off. If I didn't eat chocolate because was allergic, they'd feel sorry for me. But if I say I don't eat chocolate anymore for my health...they feel more than free to sabotage my health.

Wrong? Ironic? Yes! But that's the way America is. And that's why 2 out of 3 of us are overweight.

not in need of metamucil

I made the most delicious lentil soup yesterday. So yummy. So healthy. But guess what, folks? The soup had 22 grams of fiber per serving!

Holy bathroom break, Batman!

i *will* do what i dream! (name the movie)

I applied for a job today. I feel like patting myself on the back. Instead, I'm posting my self-congratulations online.

help me!

Job searching is hard. That's what I'm supposed to be doing right now. But I'll tell you why I get discouraged.

1. The area I have education in -library science- I don't seem to have enough experience, and there aren't enough library jobs to go around. So I get interviews, but the jobs go to someone who already has experience. Or, let's face it, maybe I don't interview well. I don't know. But I'm not getting anywhere in the library science field.

2. The area I want to move toward -health and wellness- seems to only have jobs for people who ALREADY HAVE EXPERIENCE. Well, how do I get the experience?!! Let me guess. Take a job that pays $8 an hour in order to provide me the experience. Can't do it.

So...what do I do? I can't really take much of a pay cut. I really can't right now. But at the same time, I REALLY can't take this job anymore, either.

Suggestions, anyone?

post fourth randomness

I love days like today -- overcast, with steady, drizzling rain. Beautiful. Today is going okay, but my coworker/boss is driving me crazy. I've now scheduled in time every week to job search, because I'm getting out of here. And not just library jobs, because obviously those aren't happening. But I don't care how I get out of here, I'm getting out.

I've been much happier the past few days. Is it because the withdrawals are over?!! Is it that I don't eat sugar anymore? Is it because I exercise 5x a week? Is it because I feel in control of my life, knowing there are goals to be reached and I have plans for reaching them? Don't know. But I'm thankful.

Guess what? I am now up to 'Standard' in DDR! Only while in workout mode. If it were game mode, I'd be boo'ed off the dance pad and it would be game over. But I like Standard a lot, plus I think it gives me a better workout. Even if I can't seem to hit all the arrows. Not that anyone other than a fellow DDR freak would even care about this paragraph. Ha!

I went to Sunflower Market the other day, and I love it! The prices are much cheaper than I thought they would be, and such good and healthy food there! I was in heaven. I can't believe I haven't been shopping there all along.

Have I mentioned lately what a great husband I have? He's the best. He does DDR with me every day, he listens to me, he likes my family, he humors me when I get obsessed with something (like I said, right now it's Andrew Weil, but it changes periodically), and he's an amazing kisser. I couldn't be luckier.

a good day

Happy things:

1. My nephew is finally home from the hospital. He had a bad case of jaundice, which apparently is dangerous. I had no idea.

2. I'm going to buy a yogurt maker. $17 on amazon.com! Then we're going to eat healthy yogurt recipes all the time. Yum.

3. I don't know if this is "happy", but it's on my list of stuff. I found a new obsession: Dr. Andrew Weil. No, I'm not obsessed with an old bearded man (that would be a tad too weird), just his ideas. I'm very into health and wellness, and he is very informative. I wish he could be my dr. I'm done with mine.

4. I finally figured out a website I could make that might be of some use to humankind. We'll see...

sometimes it's best not to blog

I drove over Mill Avenue Bridge this evening near sunset. I couldn't see clouds but I could tell they were coming, and the choppy water of Tempe Town Lake reflected the dimming light. I realized that I wanted to cry, and I felt scared that I'll always feel this way.

My evening went downhill from there, and I think I'll just go to bed now.

Goodnight, and good luck.

i like to eat cold cereal

The husband is surely tired of hearing me say this (because I say it a lot), but I love cold cereal. Why? Because. Cold cereal is simultaneously a meal, a beverage, and dessert. And all it requires is that you add milk. Simple. Easy. Delicious.

office space

My favorite item of clothing a coworker has worn – the vest with appliquéd patriotic stuff sewn on. Come on ladies, a vest? Although I enjoy the puff painted Christmas t-shirts as well…so maybe it’s a tossup.

Also, I’m going to file this one as one of life’s mysteries, but how come my coworker with diabetes eats more cake, candy, and sugar than I do? (And I’m not exactly your model citizen when it comes to sugar…)

That same coworker with diabetes is also remarkably dedicated to her job. One day she packed it up an hour early and said, “You ready to go home?” When we pointed out that she was off by an hour, she said, “Oh good! An extra hour to get work done!” and raced back into her office. (This wasn’t said sarcastically, I promise you.) I doubt I need to point out that this is NOT the reaction I would have had. I believe swearing would possibly be featured in my reaction.

I work in a cubible, or ‘cubie’ as a coworker puts it. Have I ever mentioned that? Before we moved to the building we’re in, I had an office. Or should I say broom closet? Everyone was excited for me that I would be rescued from my tiny little broom closet and become one of the masses in a cubicle. It may have been abysmally small, but it was MY broom closet. It had privacy. I miss it.

I don’t know what came over us, but John and I had a fight one time over the phone, while I was at work, sitting in my cubicle where every word you speak is heard loud and clear. I believe I was crying. What the bleep?

Working in an office is weird. It's no wonder that this concept made its way into a TV show. Though why anybody who works in an office would want to spend time after work hours watching a show like that, I'll never know.

my anger issues

I don’t know why I’m so blasted annoyed by what is currently annoying me.

I got roped into participating in a musical farewell performance for my boss, who is leaving ASU to be UNR’s president. Fine. But most of the people singing can’t stay on key. Especially the people who are musical performers and think they’re really good at singing.

I know I’m not the best singer, and I know that I don’t always sing on key, but the difference is, I know EXACTLY when I’m not singing on key. They don’t.

So we were practicing this song and everybody got flat. Flat enough that suddenly I was singing the song one note higher than everybody else. And everyone thinks it’s me who got off key. And I’m just annoyed because there’s nothing I hate worse than listening to a performance where the singers change key.

That’s what will happen to us on Monday when we perform for our boss and the whole office. Why do I care? Why am I getting so mad I can almost feel steam coming out my ears?

I don’t know really know…

this too shall pass

K, since you asked about withdrawals, I’ll give you an update. I took my last dose of the evil medicine on Saturday. Keep in mind that the dose was 10 times smaller than the smallest dose they sell (I opened the pill up and took out all but 3 milligrams). Yet it is Wednesday and I am still feeling withdrawal symptoms.

It’s not as bad as it was before, but it's no picnic, either. The only times I don’t feel my symptoms are when I’m exercising (hence, I walk around a lot at work and do DDR as much as I can at home) and stretching my muscles (also a lot of stretching happening at my desk). Oh, and massages and the chiropractor help too, but as I don’t have a full-time masseuse living at my house (John, can you get right on that?), those things happen less frequently.

I’m hoping that by this weekend all traces of the withdrawal will be gone forever. Yay.

everything changes

Something happened this weekend and I want to write about it because it was profound and important to me, but doing so would profane the sacred; so I won't.

I just feel that nothing in life will ever be the same after that experience. I'm not the same.

stop the insanity

Do you ever want to tell someone about a funny story you heard, and then you realize it was something you read on somebody's blog, and you don't even know the person? That's when you know you need to get a life.

so happy together

So my husband got me an iPod. How good to me is he?!

It makes me so happy to have music with me whenever I want it. I was listening to music and walking around campus yesterday, and it felt strange, as though I had a life soundtrack following me around. Wouldn't that be cool?

But it's making me rethink a few things. I used to think that I would never want to own music without also physically owning a CD with album art and stuff. Now? I think it's just wasteful and cumbersome to have such a large collection of CDs sitting around.

Also, I just don't think I need to collect hundreds of books anymore. I love books. But I no longer feel the need to own them. Which is a good thing, because I don't want to haul around millions of boxes of books for the rest of my life.

Anyway, I'm one small step away from falling asleep at my desk right now. If I could go home, I would. The good news is, I'm not working tomorrow!!

So happy Friday. And have a great weekend.

obsessions and late nights

We watched the final episode of Season 1 of LOST yesterday. I am now DYING for some answers...I don't know what Season 2 is like, but if it's anything like the first one, they could drag this story on forever, just giving hints and bits and pieces of what's really going on.

Well, now we have to figure out how to watch Season 2...

I'm officially obsessed. Completely. It rivals DDR for my one-track mind.

richie rich

So John and I are brainstorming the start of a company of sorts. I can’t tell you how excited I am about it. It’s nothing big yet. Right now it’s mostly something fun to think about and plan.

I guess it’s time to tell you about the obsession I had as a kid. I wanted to be rich. And not just rich, but rich because of something I invented or did or sold. So my sister and I became entrepreneurs. We dreamed up all kinds of ways to get rich. One time we collected rocks and glued them onto yarn to make jewelry. We arranged them on a table in our front yard and waited for the customers to line up. Nobody did. Another time we picked yellow wildflowers (weeds, actually) that had the most beautiful scent, and put them up for sale. Nobody bought those, either.

The closest we came to riches was when we came up with a brilliant scheme: sell mud balls. So we broke out the hose, rolled some mud into balls and set them in the sun to dry. We put them up for sale for a nickel each. What a bargain! We talked up my sister’s best friend when she came over to play and convinced her that she definitely needed a mud ball. The sale was nearly final when the friend’s mom showed up and nixed any mud balls coming to her house. That was the end of our entrepreneurial days.

We never sold anything. And what I wonder is this – why didn’t my parents take pity on us and buy something?!! Oh well. But the point I’m trying to make with this story is that I never fully lost my dream of coming up with something brilliant and getting rich. So it’s exciting to have perhaps stumbled across a good idea…

I’m still brainstorming for more ideas, too. I know there’s a website that hasn’t yet been created but needs to be. I’d like to create such a website. And I want it to be a website that helps other people. I know I’ll come up with it someday.

censorship

Here’s my rant of the week. I get so annoyed by people who think they know all about censorship. The following is an account of one of my coworkers, so I really can’t verify the truthfulness of it, but I’ll respond to her story as if it is all correct.

My coworker went to Deseret Industries (a thrift store run by the LDS church) this weekend. She said she was surprised to find the bookshelves nearly empty, so she asked someone about it.

She said that the store manager told her that many of the books contained inappropriate content, and they weren’t going to sell them.

My coworker then asked if they were taking the books out back to burn them. (I’ll pause here and say that my coworker knows I am LDS, so I wonder why she would say such insulting things about my church to my face.)

She said that the manager simply responded that the books were inappropriate and wouldn’t be sold.

Her response to me? “What’s next? Are they going refuse to sell clothing that’s a little ‘provocative’?!!!”

Well, knowing the standards of my church, YES! That’s exactly the kind of thing they won’t sell. And you know what? They have every right to choose what they sell in their store, because it’s a private company. They aren’t the library. Their objective isn’t to provide unbiased information and knowledge to the world. I’m not the expert on D.I., but I would say their objective is to provide training to help employees find steady, long-term employment while at the same time providing clean, low-priced items to those in need.

D.I. and any other store has the right to sell or not sell anything they please. It gets on my nerves when people get up in arms about censorship in a situation like this. It makes no sense. If you don’t like what a store is selling (or not selling), don’t shop there! Go buy your trashy novels elsewhere and don’t expect a church run store to sell stuff it considers inappropriate. It isn’t obligated to.

Okay. I'm done now. Thanks for listening.

random friday thoughts

Anyone else getting tired of blogger being down?

And also, will my favorites please update?! I've got to have something to read...

And, Blockbuster is an evil place, and when I signed up with them, the only thing they didn't ask for was a DNA sample. I kept waiting for them to ask, though. It was a neccessary evil, however. How else are we going to get our episodes of LOST?!!! I am soooo into this show. Can't wait to go home tonight and watch another episode.

First though, we have to babysit my niece. My sister has been going crazy with how naughty she's been acting (she's 2), so I volunteered to let my niece stay over for the night so my sister and husband can go out and do something for just the two of them.

I'm pretty excited because do you know where I'll be in 10 minutes? At Phoenicia cafe with my husband eating hummus. Yum.

dream on

You wanna know the hideous dream I had last night?

I dreamed that I had a rag and was meticulously scrubbing tiny stains off a white wall. I'm talking miniscule stains all over the wall. And in my dream I cleaned off every single one. In real time with full details. Boring! And talk about feeling tired when I woke up!

random thoughts from a temporary junkie

Still feeling like the world caved in on my head, in case anyone wondered. Withdrawal not over yet. I'm resisting the urge to reach into my purse for another fix...

I stubbed one of my toes so hard on Sunday, and I yelled so loud that I think John thought imminent destruction was upon me. Luckily, the only destruction was my toe, and it is now purple. The worst part is it forced me to do DDR in beginner mode.

The good news is, beginner mode is no longer a good workout for me. I am getting in shape! Yes!

My DDR obsession being temporarily obstructed, John and I have found a new obsession to keep us occupied: Lost. Yes, I know, that was so two years ago. But guess what? It's really good...so good that we say we'll watch just one episode in an evening and we end up watching three or four.

An episode we watched last night featured a junkie coming down from his drugs. Oh did I ever relate. Sadly. (And in case you don't know, I'm not a drug addict. I was simply given a terrible medication by my doctor, requiring me to suffer for weeks on end as I cease taking it anymore. Okay, that's out of the way. I didn't want you to come away from this entry thinking that I am an addict. If I were an addict, then I'd probably deserve to feel like this. Instead, I am devising ways that I can make the executives of the pharmaceutical company feel like this. They're the evil ones who marketed this 'safe' medication and deserve to suffer in horrible ways for it. Grrrrr. That was a growl. And this is the longest parenthetical reference ever.)

I am not a TV watcher, I swear, but Lost has convinced me that there's actually good TV out there. Unlike The Apprentice, which I sort of watched last night. I still don't understand why I got hooked to that, but now it's over! I don't have to watch anymore!!!

And with that, I'm out of here. I've rambled enough.

on and on the rain will fall, like tears from a star

I am seeking, I am striving, I am in with all my heart. –Vincent van Gogh


The past couple of days I have been basically going through withdrawal. I don’t care what the pharmaceutical companies say, that’s what it is. I am discontinuing the use of one of my medications, and it has been hell trying to come off of it.

I have major vertigo. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling as though a metal rod had been shoved through my brain. I am very sick to my stomach. I want to lie down in bed all day, but instead I’m at work trying to appear normal.

The worst of all is the emotional symptoms. Not good. Not good at all. I am extremely fragile right now. That’s all I’ll say about that.

The good news is that I’m starting to see what my goals in life should be. I feel like a caterpillar making a cocoon. My goals are in their infancy stage, and I’m wrapping myself up in them, letting them ruminate a while as I hibernate. Then, sometime later I will emerge as a beautiful creature with a life path.

That’s how I feel, anyway. I don’t have all the answers, but I feel ideas forming in the back of my brain.

I’m probably not making sense to anyone but me. Or, more likely, no one reads this blog anyway, so it doesn’t make a difference.

--H

How fragile we are; how fragile we are.

beating a horse

I have a theory that newscasters cannot go one day without mentioning New Orleans/Katrina at least once. Seriously. Have you watched the news when they didn't mention it?

I counted today, and there were five separate mentions. In one news program.

America doesn't care about anything for more than five minutes. Why, then, are they beating us over the head with it? Almost a year after the fact?

whiskey in the jar

I feel better today, thanks. That's because I have a wonderful husband who listened to everything I needed to get out of my system, including a good cry. And he gives good hugs.

So I'm doing better. Except I'm soooo tired. John and I hung out with a few of his former professors last night at 'Pub Quiz,' which is basically a bunch of people eating and drinking (drinking lots!) at an Irish restaurant while answering trivia questions and trying to win the grand prize.

J and I participated in the quiz aspect, not the pub. It was great fun, even though I didn't contribute much. (I swear, my brain is nearly useless. LOTS of information goes in, but not so much comes out. As a one-time humanities major, my brain is FULL of trivial knowledge. Can I pull any of it out when I need it? No. I guess my dream of being on Jeopardy! is never going to be realized.)

Our team won the grand prize! And we got home late and fell into bed. I had a nightmarish dream involving Paul Reubens trying to molest me while I tried to escape from him (yikes, where did I come up with THAT?!!). That combination caused me to wake up fully exhausted; not rested at all.

blue to the bone

So I dropped the two classes I was going to take this summer -- fitness and nutrition. It wasn't the right time, and I don't feel like doing homework at the moment. Nor do I feel like paying $100 for one textbook.

Good riddance. Now I can focus my attention on...what? I always come back to this. I like to read books. I like to watch movies. I like to exercise. I like to eat. I'm working toward getting fit and losing the weight I gained this past year. Because of that I am loving exercise more than I ever thought possible. But after that, then what? I don't really have any goals. I go home at night and I play on the Internet because I can't think of anything better to do.

This entry is quickly turning into a sad one, and I didn't mean for that to happen. I just feel so lost right now. I feel like I'm missing out on something important.

this has been a good week

I have a SparkPeople update. I weighed in on Friday, and I've lost another pound and a half! Which is good, because I was getting quite frustrated about the scale not budging for me. But I’ve been eating better and exercising more, and it’s starting to show. Yay me!

Someone else I know and love also lost a few pounds, but I won’t post his info unless he clears me to!

And guess what else? John dyed my hair! I dyed his black, he dyed mine red. It was quite the party. Except when I sat down and the chair leg was on top of John’s foot. Ow. Not so fun. But he did a good job on my hair.

And I don’t know how or why it happened, but I am addicted to The Apprentice. There’s nothing I can do about it now except watch this thing through to the bitter end. Then I need to shun the tv, because I just get addicted to dumb shows when I watch.

I had a really good weekend, by the way. We hung out with friends on Friday, and as friends seem to be in short supply these days, we enjoy the ones we have. Then on Saturday my whole family came to visit, and we went swimming, toured the Mystery Castle, ate at the TGIFriday’s overlooking Chase Field, and held a Murder Mystery party. Oh, AND we played DDR until we collapsed. Good, good times.

Also, because we had family coming, our house is so clean! I love it. It feels so good to be in a clean house.

So life is good. And getting better every day.

Join the revolution!

We did something I never saw myself agreeing to – we bought a Playstation2 on Monday. Why did I agree to this? I hate video games, I hate the killing games they make, I hate how my brother spent most of his childhood in front of a computer screen.

But, I LOVE Dance Dance Revolution!!! John and I have been contemplating the purchase of a treadmill for exercise. But a treadmill is very expensive and very large. So…I came up with the idea of buying DDR for our exercise. Two days later, (on Monday of this week) we came home from BestBuy with all the materials needed.

I was (and still am) so excited! It's the most brilliant invention ever. And we’ve been playing it faithfully ever since we bought it. I don’t have much coordination, so DDR is pretty challenging for me, but it’s so fun! I never thought I would enjoy exercise this much. Here's to losing weight while having loads of fun.

Anyway, if you know us in real life, come over and play with us! Consider yourself invited.

K is for...

S'mee gave me this lovely assignment, which is to share 10 things that are important to me that start with the letter 'K.'

If you'd like to play too, leave me a comment and I'll assign you a letter. In your blog you'll write 10 things that start with that letter that are important to you and explain why. Easy!

Here goes mine:

Keepsakes – I’m very bad at printing photographs and displaying them, but because of recent events where our hard drive was destroyed along with many photos, I’m going to change my ways!

Kissing – Well, who doesn’t like kissing? But I like it even more. :) Good thing John is such a good kisser. Hee!

Kin – What can I say? My family is my life.

Kids – I’ve always felt a special bond with kids. We just relate. I love holding babies, playing with kids, reading to them, and generally hanging out.

Kittens – There’s not much cuter than a baby kitty. Or a baby anything.

Kites – Kites are fun to fly. It’s also fun to be at the park on a perfect, sunny day with someone you love. Kite is optional.

Kindness – I would like to be as kind and loving as most people believe I am. I don't think kindness can ever be overemphasized.

Knowledge – I love learning new things. I love school so much I’m still going! I always joked to my mom that I would be a professional student. I guess I wasn’t really joking.

Kicks – I’m known for saying “I’ll kick him in the head (or other body part best not named)” when I’m mad at someone. So three cheers for kicks!

Knitting – After trying to learn to knit for a year in Bulgaria, I realize that it’s much easier to learn in English. I finally know how. Of course, I actually like crocheting more, but that doesn’t begin with ‘K’, does it?

i think i'm right

This was in the Ariozona Republic on April 8th, and it makes me mad:

Biodesign chief sets challenges

As a drug-company executive for 17 years, George Poste knew the perils of slumping sales: less money for research, slower growth and possible layoffs. Now, as head of the Biodesign Institute at Arizona State University, Poste wants his staff to face the same consequences. Under him, each researcher must generate $225 in federal or private grants for each square foot of space he or she occupies or lose lab space and maybe points in a performance review. It's not the typical accountability measure in academe, but Poste makes no apologies.

"That is tragically the Darwinian model," Poste said. Those who can't compete shouldn't be carried by other researchers or the university, he said. "(Otherwise) it's a form of academic welfare. Dispense with it."

So basically, if your research makes lots of money, you’re good, but if it doesn’t, you’re gone. This is exactly the type of corporate crap that I think will be the downfall of universities. Researching everything (even the non-money makers) is important, but I think it’s even more important in the medical field.

What this means is that potentially important medical discoveries may never be made because they aren’t going to make millions of dollars for the university.

This is good for ASU’s budget. Not so very good for humanity.

this post is dedicated to the one i love

My husband graduates with his MPA today, and I'm so proud of him. I just had to post and say congrats to him! He won the award for best scholar-citizen in Public Affairs, AND he's at the top of his class GPA-wise. Not only do I think he's extraordinary, but so do all the professors in the School of Public Affairs.

I married one brilliant, accomplished, scholarly man! Which makes me smart as well for marrying him. :)

Yay John-John! Congratulations on your amazing achievements so far. This is just one small stepping stone toward many, many more amazing and wonderful things. Know that I couldn't be prouder of you, your accomplishments, or who you are.

love,
HJ

hallelujah

We have air conditioning again; finally! No more hanging out at the mall for us. We can sit around in our own living room on a Friday evening and not lose five pounds of sweat.

Thanks to my husband's latest post, I am now craving Mexican food in a big way. As John knows, though, it doesn't take much to get me craving Mexican food. But it's Cinco de Mayo, so there's no way you're going to find me in a Mexican restuarant tonight...too bad.

Have a lovely weekend, all.

evil empire strikes back

You are not going to believe this. I can hardly belive it myself. We went to Wal-Mart two days in A ROW this week! I'd offer excuses, but...the truth is, we're guilty. We patronized Wal-Mart twice in one week. Feel free to throw stones (if you are without sin yourself!).

i feel good

The other day my husband told me I have good shoulders. No one has ever told me that before.

And I'm not sure why, but the compliment has really stuck with me. It makes me happy every time I think of it. I'm smiling right now, as a matter of fact.

more down than up

Today is somewhat of a down day.

Maybe it's because we came back from my parents' house yesterday after spending time with all the siblings at my sister's wedding. I love and miss my family. I wish we all lived closer to each other.

Maybe it's because I feel (again; this happens periodically) that I have no purpose in life. The things I think about on a daily basis: exercising, eating healthy, what I'm going to make for dinner, what part of the house I'm going to clean, building my relationship with my husband, improving my spirituality, making new friends and building the friendships I already have.

That's a pretty good list of what I think about during any given day. But you know what? It's boring! Where are the grand plans for changing the world or at least making a difference in the world? Where, in the midst of cleaning house, making dinner, and exercising, is ME?

Am I making any sense? My life is a checklist, and sometimes I'm pretty good at getting all the checks done in one day, but it doesn't really fulfill me in the long term. What the heck am I looking for? Why am I not content?

Sorry. Just venting. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.